I Feel like Such a Lousy Mom!!!

As mothers, we all make mistakes. I appologize when I am wrong and hope my kids know that I am doing my best.

Psssst....here's the secret:
We're all winging it to some degree.
NO O. has it "all together." No O.!
We all have good and bad days.
Cut yourself some slack and listen to your gut.

I totally get this. When our families are dysfunctional we don't have a healthy example and we feel really confused about stuff that "should" be natural or easy. But it isn't really. The moms that you think have it all together, don't. They just have different challenges. Don't compare - we ALL have our baggage, it's just different.

If you can find a counselor, through your church or your doctor, or if you are going to school they also have counseling for students usually, please do. They are a huge help in finding "normal", or helping to build a solid foundation to work from. They help us get a picture of REALITY, and not life through the filter of our past.

Where is your husband in all these decisions? It sounds like you might need to bring him into the decision making process. You can't shoulder all the responsibility--that's too hard for any of us.

I am sure you are making wonderful decisions for your daughter. The proof is in the pudding--if she's happy, you're doing a great job!

ETA: The more mothers I meet and REALLY get to know, the more I realize that we're ALL insecure about most parts of parenting. Even those women who seem to have it all together, if you REALLY talk to them and get them to break down their barriers, they'll let you know that they're just as confused as you are.

This is just my own opinion, but it sounds like you have unresolved issues from your own childhood.

Do you have a good counselor? Could you find one? It truly does help (if you find the right person).

When you were growing up no matter what you did you couldn't fix your parents' problems (and thus your own). It's no big surprise that that negative thought cycle has reared up in adulthood, especially once you became a mom yourself.

I would get help to talk about and sort through all this. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, either - it just means that you have to give yourself permission to express and process those deep down feelings.

Good luck. <<hugs>>

It really sounds like you have a bit of post traumatic stress going on here, mom. Either that or some depression. I urge you to go talk to your doctor about this. It's not normal to feel this way. Your friends don't understand because they don't feel the way they do, not because they "have it all together."

You don't have to go through life like this. Please talk to your doctor.

I've had spurts of this while raising my daughter. Sometimes the sheer responsibility of it all can get to the best of us. I do agree that you maybe need to share this with your husband. If there is something where he makes you question yourself, you need to get that in check. But if there are no issues like that I think just sharing your feelings with him will take some of the weight off of you. Just let him know "I don't need you to fix anything for me, and I'm not complaining, I just need you to know that I'm having a hard time right now doubting the decisions I'm making and it's stressing me out". Hopefully he'll help by either being a sounding board, shouldering some of the responsibilities, or just giving you a hug now and then and telling you you're doing a good job. Seriously, sometimes just saying this all out loud can help.

I found what helped me is shifting from looking at what I could be doing wrong to looking at what is going right. If this isn't your nature, start small. "what a healthy lunch I just made her, and she liked it- score!". "she smiled so much while playing with me today, that was great". "she is right on target with her milestones, way to go". You get the idea. Get yourself in the habit of finding yay moments instead of worry moments.

Also, don't set the mark at being the perfect parent, set it at being the best parent you could be, or even the good enough parent. I always thought I would strive to make no mistakes along the way. I think that lasted through breakfast. Look at every adult you know, can anyone say they got through childhood unscathed? No way, it doesn't happen- ever. Give yourself permission to do something you wish you didn't do (as long as it's not a horrible thing of course). You'll get past it, and your daughter will get past it even quicker.

You're doing great, mom, you have a happy kiddo. Can't ask for much more than that. And fyi, no mom has it all together- lies. all lies!

My guess is you are doing everything right, since your daughter is extremely independent at 3. Independence is a good quality for a child to have. It means they will definately be ready for kindergarten when the time comes. I raised my son to be independent too. Why? Eventually he will have to do things without M.'s help. Glad I did too. They claim there are "no mistakes in the universe." I think the biggest problem is that media, relatives, friends, and other moms try to lend what they feel is important advice, but it really isn't. The best thing you can do is weed out the advice by researching until your sick of researching and thinking about what your own mom did right in raising you. Our parents are our best teachers. Also, don't for get that "one shoe doesn't fit all," which means each child is different so what's good for one, may not be good for another.

Updated

Sorry for posting again, but I just realized how we are all offering very good advice. I just thought about this from a different perspective. Hopefully this post will ease your mind, since I'm "a lousy mom" too. Here's why...

I'm "a lousy mom," because I bottle fed my baby.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I put my 5yro. son in Kung Fu to learn self-
control not defense.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I don't use anti-bacterial anything...I use just
soap and water.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I don't clean the floor everday and dust when
it's needed.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I work.
I'm "a lousy mom," because my son got a booboo and all I did was show
him how to wash it off with soap and water, put a bandaid on it, and told
him his booboo isn't really that bad.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son eat candy and junk food and drink
soda.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I swatted my son's behind when he was bad.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I took my toddler into a costume/horror shop to
"play with the bloody eyeballs."
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son play video games and even played
them with him!
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son help make cookies.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son start school before the cut-off date.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I didn't circ. my son. (His father isn't circ.'d
either.)
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son skip a grade.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son talk back to a bully.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son throw 2 kids on a playground,
because they wanted to beat him up. (Kung Fu rules.)
I'm "a lousy mom," because I gave my son distance.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I taught my son to read when he was young.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my husband teach our son extreme math.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I kept the cat when I was pregnant.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I took my son to PG13 movies, sat next to him,
cracked jokes, and both of us discussed how the special effect were
done.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I watched "the Deadlist Warior," "Animal Face-
off," and "Myth Busters" with my son.
I'm "a lousy mom," because I let my son pick out his own clothes and do
his own hair.

Wow! I'm a really bad mom! Good thing I have a really good kid. :)

My kid's so good......He can do anything......He's on the honor roll......He's extremely smart......He's strong.....He made it to 14yro safely......He can draw.....He can make amazing videos......I'll bet your kid's great too. Good thing our kids have "lousy moms," or they wouldn't turn out so great! :)

It would seem obvious that your daughter being happy and well-adjusted is proof enough that you must be doing something right, but I think you are being too h*** o* yourself if you think you have to get EVERYTHING "right" and somehow have all the answers.

Because the thing is, nobody has all the answers, including your friends. And you have to stop comparing yourself and your life to theirs, because you will always find something that you feel doesn't measure up.

Perhaps it would help to talk to a therapist or counselor of some kind? Because sometimes our worries and anxieties go beyond what is rational and keep us from enjoying our lives and giving ourselves the pat on the back that we deserve. Maybe speaking with a professional will help suss out where all these negative feelings are really stemming from, including dealing with being a child of divorced parents.

OH HONEY I WANNA KNOW YOUR FRIENDS !!! exspecially if they have it all figured out !!
Really though, don't be so tough on yourself.... from what you wrote it sounds like you don't want your child to have there childhood anything like you did .. Which means you want better..Good for you
You said she is a very happy child, take that in and let it warm your heart till you can't stop smiling !!!!
on the flip side... M. have you ever spoke to anyone about your childhood? What i mean is alot of people have whats called ptsd..post tramatic stress disorder...and it can happen for any number of reasons.
The very thought of you even thinking your daughter is unhappy is making you so sad that you dont want your daughter to see this honey..( im southern i call everyone hon or honey :) )
As someone who has ptsd i can tell you it makes a world of differance to speak to someone..
Keep up the good work your daughter sounds like its all good !!

You love your daughter and put her best interests first. THAT is a win no matter what! We all have doubts and we ALL make mistakes...woulda, coulda, shoulda. You are never going to be perfect...none of us are. But you are the best you can be and really it IS enough!!

PLEASE do something to help yourself get over this anxiety and second guessing.

Please be Kind to yourself! I hope you find your confidence again!

Never forget the wonderful saying: Behind every great kid is a mom who is sure she did everything wrong. We all feel that way sometimes. And it is a good thing because it keeps us thinking, reassessing how we parent, changing our responses as our children grow and need different things from us. Being a mom IS really hard, split second decisions all day long.

Out of curiosity, have you ever had your thyroid levels checked? The kind of anxiety you have sounds like me a year ago before I found out I was hypothyroid. Just an idea. Often we moms are so busy taking care of everyone else we forget our own health. Maybe it's time for a check-up just in case.

(Paraphrasing) "A good plan, well executed today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."

George S. Patton

You're a wonderful mother and providing your child with a loving, stable environment-we all second guess our decisions from time to time-that's the nature of man-but it sounds like you "have it together" which is not to be mistaken for "looking" like you have it together. Take care and God bless you.

your friends are full of it, I feel this way alot. even deciding to put my kids in a new sport is giving me anxiety. I keep talking myself down, if they don't like it or can't do it then i am out $50 it isn't the end of the world. but ugg i climb right back up the anxiety ladder because the sport my son is in now isn't working and everyone else knows he has no talent and he is starting to get a little down about that. I would pull him but he still enjoys the social aspect so we'll finish out the season.

Are you taking care of your own self? sometimes that is key to being able to take care of your child.

this is kind of bad but if i get too down i try to compare myself to someone who is a reallly bad parent and at least i'm not that person.

Is there something specific that you are having trouble deciding? there is alot of wisdom on this board that can help.

you also have to realize, part of how happy and successful a kid is depends on their parents but there is still a part that depends only on them and you have no control over that. kids that grow up in the ghetto with no one tucking them in at night or teaching them not to steal, can still sometimes rise above and do great things. and there are some kids whose parents have done everythign right and still get messed up with drugs and crime. some of it will just be up to her.

Maybe you can just spend some fun time relaxing with her and enjoying her. parenting is hard it's difficult though to really mess up too bad at 3 as long as you aren't letting her call all the shots.

Here's another vote for counseling. Your daughter is happy, you are not. Find a good counselor soon. Don't wait or you may find your anxiety affecting your daughter, and then you will both be struggling. Better to deal with your issues now, so you and your daughter can enjoy her childhood.

It is not just you! I have a tendency to think that every decision we make will have this huge, lasting impact on our kids, as if we're going to do irreparable damage if we make the wrong decision.

My dad said he always figured if he loved us and tried to do what seemed best, the rest would take care of itself. I think he did a pretty good job.

I know I make a ton of mistakes, but overall, I try not to think about it too much. There are some days when I go to bed and I know I screwed up this or that and I feel pretty rotten and I let myself feel pretty rotten for awhile, because I know I'm only going to learn from my mistakes if I really let myself think about them. But overall, I do try not to dwell on it too much. I can only learn and try again.

As the Robinsons (from "Meet the Robinsons" - great movie!!!) would say, "Keep moving forward!"

You are in good company!

Wow mom, lighten up on yourself. Your daughter is FINE.

There are a million ways to raise kids. See the response below, for an example. And most of them work just fine. Just give her love and attention, and some rules and guidelines, and she will grow into the person she was meant to be (most of which was there from the moment she was born.)

I would love to hear more about what kinds of decisions you are talking about. As other moms have said, we're all pretty much winging it, but in general I feel confident that I'm doing okay. I did turn to a handful of parenting books when my kids were younger though. That might be fun for you to try. It's always good to get ideas and step up your game.

Play the "How do I want to be wrong game!" It works even if the judgemental voices are only inside your own head.....

"I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow the “how do I want to be wrong?” game. I find that it’s an awesome mental shortcut. The long mental path runs something like this:

“I don’t know what to do! If I decide to do THIS, those people over there will tell me I’m doing it wrong and judge me. If I decide to do THAT, these people over here will tell me I’m doing it wrong and judge me. But it’s my family and I have to decide SOMETHING…..”

Personally, I find asking “how do I want to be wrong?” is an empowering and liberating question. So many times there IS no right answer or decision. Right or wrong, I’m the one who’s responsible for making the choice, and MY family and I are the ones who’ll have to live with it—not those people sitting in self-appointed judgement.

It works whether the decision is big, little, or in-between.

Do I want to be wrong because my preschooler is screaming in the checkout line?

OR

Do I want to be wrong because I gave in and bought the M&Ms?

Trust me, there is no way to please everyone watching—and listening!—but it’s MY choice and I get to decide which is more important at that moment—teaching that the “I wants” don’t always work or getting out of the store without me melting down, too.

Do I want to get stared at and judged for the sound of my toddler’s screams?

OR

Do I want to get stared at and judged for nursing a two year-old in public?

I almost always went with nursing because very few people actually notice a nursing toddler, but a whole store could hear him scream!

Is it worse to raise a son without a father?

OR

Is it worse for my son to have a father who’s unwilling, and will be in and out of his life (mostly out)?

I voted in favor of stability, but many other moms have chosen otherwise. It all depends on what YOU can live with, and why.

Once you’ve reminded yourself that it’s YOUR choice, and that you can NOT make everyone happy (even if you want to) or be right all the time (pretty hard when most of the time there is no one right answer), then it becomes a lot easier to decide if you want to live with the consequences of choice A or choice B."

http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/mama-tick-s-mind-games

As the kids get older there are more and more decisions to be made ...I sometimes second guess my self. Which school should they go to, which sport to play, do Kumon or not do Kumon, which instrument to play....the list is endless....

You just have to have faith in your decisions...life is not perfect and we make decisions on what we know at that time. So enjoy the time and be greatful that at least we have choices:).

YES! Being a mom is hard, VERY VERY hard! My younger two boys are very stubborn, yet needy! Clingy, yet smart and they know what they want.
i have shed many tears trying to figure out the best way to be their M.. They push my limits daily. but i relish in their smiles, laughter and goofiness. Which makes think we are doing something right. They are happy, they are well adjusted, they are funny and silly!
You said nothing in your post that indicates you are doing something wrong. You second guess yourself?? We all do apparently! Let's take a deep breath together, and realize we are doing the toughest job in the WORLD. .......With no training!