I Need Advice on Becoming a Less Critical Mom.

Being a parent is not easy. I know I have lots to work on myself at being a better mom. I don't know if you are already doing this, but something I'm working on myself is remembering to point out good stuff and to say thank you for doing things (even simple things like remembering to feed the dog or putting away the clean dishes which is are some of the "chores").

I hope this helps.

When my oldest daughter was seven I realized the exactly same thing - I was far too critical of her. She was beginning to have self esteem issues and she didn't seem very happy. My husband and I made a huge effort to fix our problem. We apologized to her, and told her why we were wrong. We bit our tongues instead of saying anything, and praised everything she did right. We told her how much we loved her, and how important she was in our family. Within 6 weeks she was a different person. She smiled, bounced through the house, and learned to love herself. We have continued to make a real effort to stop the criticism and pile on the praise, and she is now 9 and a sweet, happy, well-adjusted girl. It also helped when she found a talent for music that she could develop and be proud of.

M.,
Good for you for recognizing the problem and not continuing down an unhealthy path. This is supposed to be a forum for constructive, supportive advice. It looks like you have received some really good and compassionate advice. I hope that you can toss out the nasty comment that Telil threw in there. There is no reason to be ashamed when you know there is a problem and you come for help. 99.9% of us only wish the best for you and your daughter.
God Bless,
L. P.

Hi M.

so i grew up with a mother who constantly pointed out (and still does) everything i do wrong. i think it stems from her own insecurities of wanting everything to be perfect. what she is missing is that everything is perfect just the way it is. everything is exactly how it should be, and if its not the way she expected it, the next time it comes up, she is able to approach it differently.

being 29 i have had to overcome a lot of insecurities that were taught to me. how people perceive me, what they think about me, whether or not they like me...etc. now being a parent of two children myself, i try to teach them that they need to just be themselves. sure there are rules in life that we have to abide by, but my main goal is to teach them to be caring, compassionate, and responsible humans. that way they build the confidence they need to achieve anything they have set their minds to.

i too was very neurotic with my son(now 7 also), when he was little. but then i realized that i was missing out on watching him learn as a person. it might be easier to let go a little if you remember that we all have to learn. i think there a phases we ALL have to go through in order for us to grow. also another trick i taught myself was that, yes your children are a bit like you, but also a bit like your husband with their very own personallity thrown in...very fascinating little people to come to know and love more and more every day.

hope this helps. the best of luck to you and your family :D

M.--I try to follow the advice that they give to managers in managerial courses---the 2-1-1 rule.
First--point out 2 things she's doing great
2nd---point out the item to be critiqued, and improved upon--

finally end with a positive comment.
Good luck! :)

--R.

Now that you noticed it, start doing the exact opposite, you can still teach just don't use her as the subject. Its interesting, when my son was younger and played hockey we always told him he needs to play better and that he was not as good as the others- we weren't trying to be mean just helpful(we thought) to get him to try harder- it was frustrating to see him not give it his all. He would say "how did I play" and we would say things like you were slow or not as good as so and so. Then I decided to switch tactics because he would look so sad and I started saying you played really well today, you are getting faster etc and pointing out good things(which was hard because sometimes there weren't any and we did not want to mislead) The next yr he made the highest team available and he has been doing that ever since. Now when he asks, I try and tell him he played really well and when he is just awful I say, well, I have seen you play better but you will next time. His confidence is much better and he plays at a level I never ever thought he would be able to make-it's so interesting how our words shape our children, they are so eager for our approval.
I know you can turn it around-she is still young enough.

I know it's not easy..but your girl is adopting a "worried" and critical disposition and personality, now.

Think about her well being....down the road. Do you want a pre-teen or teenager who has hang-ups and or social problems because of this? Sometimes it can also make them "afraid" of trying new things or even trying. It can escalate, or not....but regardless, it's not real fruitful for her. It could probably undermine her ability to be "happy."

That should be a real red flag, and a sign for your to "nurture" instead of "criticize."

Sure, firstborns are usually over-achieving types...but with your self-admitted "criticizing", which you want to stop....you need to nurture HER and HER unique traits, not yours.

I am not trying to be "mean"...but since you seem to be aware of the problem, I am just agreeing with you. Being a Mom is not easy...me too, but it is Great you are so willing to open up to help your daughter. :)

Perhaps, just let her be....let her be a child.... let her enjoy her life. TEACH her that it is NOT so important to "criticize" others and that everyone is different, it's OKAY. Teach her to be in the moment, and simply enjoy herself. TEACH her it is OKAY to make mistakes, because this is how they learn too, and even Parents learn this way. When I make a mistake I tell my daughter, and then we talk about how we could have did it another way next time, and laugh about it.

Do you want your daughter to be neurotic as well?

Think about this, before you teach criticism.

One good metaphor is:
Do you want to be a "hammer" to your child, or a pair of wings for her to soar?

Children also learn by just talking story....let them EXPLORE and talk and chit chat about anything...and talk WITH her about situations....instead of "correcting" her or putting her under a microscope. Don't ever teach a child to "doubt" themselves....rather, give them the ability to BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES....and feel proud. Happy.

Think down the road.... when she is approaching the teens... try to create a self-directed, self-assured, secure, and happy young girl...that way, you can help prevent a teen from seeking "outside" influences for validation...and possibly preventing them from getting into trouble, or possibly seeking out the "wrong" boys to make them feel better about themselves.

For me, thinking about these things helps me in how I teach and interact with my daughter, now. In the present. Because what you do to them now, in the present, will affect them later.... for better or worse.

I'm sure you know all about patience. But, for me, the trick is just appreciating my girl for who SHE is... and nurturing her for these aspects, for her strengths, not weaknesses.
I certainly want my girl to be a strong, self-assured, and kind young lady when she grows up...and so that when she "needs" me for anything...she knows I will always be there for her, accepting her no matter what, unconditionally.

THAT is what drives me in the way I handle my girl. Think down the road... you are "forming" your girl now.... like a ball of clay in your hands.

You are obviously a very involved Mommy and that's great...just redirect yourself, and don't just "react" to her... "form" her to be a happy, kind, thoughtful, self-confident little girl. Let her be happy and self-assured. This will also engender a closeness with you....in good or bad times as she gets older.

*Also, just admitting to your girl that "Mommy needs to try and criticize others less....it's not very nice. I will try to do that with you too, alright?" That way, you are "showing" her that you acknowledge and are taking responsibility for your "mistakes." Kids need to see Parents do this too, sometimes. I sometimes tell my girl "Sorry for being so impatient...I have to work on that...it's not your fault...It's Mommy." And then it really turns around the situation and it "teaches" her wisdom and how to take responsibility for things.

*I'm adding this: my Mom was also very critical of my older sister growing up, and still is to a degree. This was really negative for my sister...and she grew up with a lot of resentment toward my Mom. Even as an adult, although my sister is very successful, bright, and independent, she has a lot of insecurities...which was brought on by my Mother. My sister has, on her own, overcome a lot of this...but never forgets how my Mom "picked" on her. A child sees "criticism" as being "picked on" and how nothing is ever good enough for Mommy. A child needs approval & acceptance from their Parent... and although not easy, it's a foundation for them.

Well, sorry for rambling on too long. Hope this helps,
Good luck and take care,
~Susan

I know this might sound too easy, but it is as easy as simply stopping and thinking before you correct or critisize her. Imagine you are speaking to a police officer... Would you think before you speak??? Now is a good time to ease up, as your daughter is showing signs, as you mentioned, of being self critical. With girls this can lead to anoexia, and other things down the road, which I'm sure you don't want. Just try thinking before you respond to her and I'm sure it will become easier and easier with time!
You are a good mom just being aware of this and wanting the best for your little girl! The world needs more like you!

I am 36 years old and the Lord just opened my eyes that the reason I have messed up my life is for that very reason. I recently met the man I have waited for all my life and almost ruined it. I can't see anything I do right. I think I have to be perfect and please everyone. He only wanted me to be but I don't know how. I have passed this on to my 11 year old and having to undo some bad damage. My mother got it from her parents and none of them realized it. I don't want my kids to suffer what I have. I am so happy you caught it in time. I wish my mom had or I had when she was younger. Trust me she will lead a broken life. Love her tremendously, let her make mistakes and help her learn from them. Be her example and she will be just fine. There is a fine line between guiding and criticizing. I am working hard to fix this myself. I pray for the both of you. God bless.

Part of the issue could be that your daughter is female and you expect no less from her then you expect from yourself. You are doing a good job you just need to point out her positvies to the same extent as you have the negatives. There is no book to raise a child. Each one is unique there are theroies but there is no set answer to how to raise a child. I have three what you are doing with your daughter sounds like me and my eldest daughter. She is an adult now but what I see is that she worried to much about makeing mistakes and is overly carful. She is doing things now that others did as teengers including her younger sibs. Her life is not bad but the kids say she is as bad as me when it comes to fussing at them more like a mini mom instead of a older sister. If that is the only problem then I think she and your daughter will be ok hang in there and good luck.

I am a stay at home (homeschooling) mom of two great boys (ages 8 and 9). I was just informed yesterday by our Charter School Psychologist that my oldest son is a child genius. Sounds great right? Except, she also believes that my son has an anxiety disorder. He is overly afraid of being judged by others. The psychologist went on to say that about 50% of child geniuses with an anxiety disorder end up committing suicide when they are a teenager. Those words keeping repeating in my mind, over and over again. I have a huge responsibility to keep his stress level down by keeping the criticism down to a minimum ... That's going to be a big change for me because I have always been the same as you have described yourself. I'm not saying that your daughter has an anxiety disorder, but it's something you should watch for. Suicide isn't something that a parent wants to think about, but if you notice your child being too h*** o* herself ...

I hope this scares you as much as it does me. You might do things much differently with the word suicide lingering in the back of your mind.

I sympathize with you, I feel like I do the same thing to my daughter. I try to be introspective and figure out why I am so critical. I realize my mom was this way with me! I hated it! I absolutely don't want to repeat this behavior with my child. I, too, want to raise a happy, confident child. I think that we, as parents, want so badly for our kids to succeed in life that we try to mold them into what we think they should be. This often results in criticism. I am making conscious efforts to correct my behavior and create positive interactions with my daughter. My kids are everything to me, I want to do all I can to help them in life! Good luck to you... I am taking the same journey... Thankfully we have this type of support to help us! The advice others have given is wonderful and I will definitely be using it!

Wow I think it is very perceptive of you to realize that you are being very critical of your daughter. You are able to recognize this and that is the first step. I think that there are a few different avenues you can go down to work on this issue. First I thnk you should look at your own history Did you have parents who were very critical of you? Are you very critical and h*** o* yourself? Soemtimes it' s very difficult not to be h*** o* those we love when we are extremly h*** o* ourselves. Have other loved ones seen this behavior and commented on it? You can talk to those who are very close to you and your daughter and ask for their perceptions and advice. Most of all though, you might think about getting some professional advice on this issue, and ways to stop this behavior. I say this because I have the greatest parents on the earth, and I love them more than anything, but they were very very critical of me the way I looked, the way a acted, pretty much everything I did. It was very h*** o* me and I developed anxiety problems and panic disorder as a young adult. I am not saying that my parents were the only factor in my anxiety but they were a big part of it. It took many years of counseling to feel good, and I still have self esteem issues that I deal with on a daily basis. I wish my parents had the insight that you do. It is not too late. I think the best thing we can do for our children is help build their good self esteem. Good luck to you and I am sure you will work through this.
take care,
L.

I think that you need to appologize to your daughter and tell her that you see the mistakes you are making and want to correct them. Then you need to stop before you speak and think about the reason behind your criticism. Is it really necessary, or is it really just you wanting it your way. There is nothing wrong with telling her her options, like (if you wear this dress to school somebody could accidently bush you down at recess and the dress will fly up over your head) or (This dress with the shorts under it makes more sense for school because you can do cartwheels at recess and you don't have to worry about the boys seeing anything there not suppost to). This is a better way to teach her. Tell her right & wrong reasons for doing things then let her decide. This way you are teaching her to look at the bigger picture before making a decision. And mom if she is a good kid give her some freedom or she will turn and run when she is old enough and you won't get any say. If you have to, stick a dollar in a bottle everytime you are critical of her. Once you get to $20.00 you'll start watching what you say to her. Good Luck! J.

Your daughter needs her own space. If you see her doing something good..praise her on it. Kids need to learn on their own, make their own mistakes and go from there....There are times when teaching a child is very good...Pick one thing at a time...Maybe this month it will be using manners at the table....next month might be being kind to her little brother...etc...You cannot overwhelm a child....Always wanting her to be perfect is being a very cruel parent....No child is perfect.....We as adults learn from our own mistakes in life....So do children.....Please keep this in mind...

Sorry this letter sounds so harsh....not intended.....I'm sure you are a wonderful mother, who loves her children very much....It is kind of funny here....You do it to your daughter and not to your son....I guess maybe your son won't let you control him???? Reasoning with a child to redirect them is great....But never controling a child.....

Hi M., I'm not sure what kind of things you are talking about, but at 7 things don't have to be perfect, or even great, the important thing is she tried and she did it her self. You can poit out mistakes with the right words and tones, but first reconized, the good she did, and praise her more and correct her less, and realize that you don't have to step in on everything, let her ask you for help if she needs it and if you want to help her, just say if you need help let me know, and leave it at that, children learn at their own pace, and they learn more when they are having fun. J.

Hi M."
After sitting and reading your request and some of the advice you recieved,I was especially touched by the honesty and openness of Heather and S H . They offered you their personal experiences,as well as wise,constructive advice.They both come across as very sincere and compassionate,individuals. I wish you and your daughter the best,

I recommend a book called "scream-free parenting". It is really helping me with my daughter, though she is younger.
Remember don't say things like 'this is good, but...' just recognize when she does something good, and leave it at that. She cleans her room, but shoves everything under the bed or in the closet, 'good job keeping the floor clean.' She got an A or B in school, 'good job, we can go to (reward)' she got a C or D or, god forbid, F, 'well, I guess you have to stay home with the babysitter when we go to disneyland... chucky cheese,' whatever. Just make sure that your reward and punishment system don't conflict with your happy time or your son's rewards and punishments.
good luck
R.

M.,
Every parent does something they don't feel 100% about with their first child. Back off on the teaching, and let her make some mistakes. Without failure, she will never try something she is not already sure she will succeed at. She needs to be alright with trying new things and not being the best. A little life experience will do her good. If she continues to criticize others and herself, encourage her to stop that behavior. Soon no one will want to be her friend. Every time she says something nice about others or herself, reward her. Something verbal, or a favorite food, etc. Reinforce that you love her no matter what she does, or how well she does it. She needs to know that your love is unconditional. I am sure that it already is unconditional, but she needs reassurance so that she can change her behavior. Telling a child how special they are for their uniqueness is invaluable.

I hope this helps some.

E.:)

I want to say congratulations for seeing your flaw and ending the cycle. I think I might actually explain how you are feeling and apologize to your DD. Honesty IS the best policy. I'm sure she is very bright, and you can explain that you had an "awakening" and now you'd like the two of you to work on it together. Then from here on out your focus can be her health and happiness. I, myself, have critical tendencies, but my husband is the exact opposite. He has taught me so much about acceptance just by example. Through his love and support I have grown tremendously in every way, and being positive and happy in the moment is so much easier (and more fun). I should add, my parents were critical and put a lot of pressure on me. I just butt heads with them. Funny how that works! There's definitely a balance somewhere.