I Dont Know How to Deal with My Sister Inlaw

I would talk to her. Tell her that you know she was trying to help but you just don't do that without the parents permission. big NO NO. you don't pierce anything or cut their hair without parents permission. it is true that what's done is done but what if later on in life she wants to pierce her navel. will SIL take her. best to be on the safe side

Okay, I am about to tick a lot of people off, but, why the heck are you upset?? Why is your husband upset?? Why are so many other moms on here "MORTIFIED"???? You asked her if she wanted to get them done, so what was your SIL supposed to think????? That you were against it???? Then why the heck would you ask her if she wanted to do it??? This all seems VERY irrational to me. I suppose you were probably upset because you missed it, and in that case, all you probably would need to say to her would be something like, "Aw, I really wish I would have been with her for that! That's big thing for a little girl and her mommy!" And she probably would have said sorry, I didn't know, blah blah blah. Furthermore, be careful not to be nice to people just so they will be available when you need a sitter. No offense, but I'm not sure if your SIL is the one with the issue......sorry, you asked!!

Don't take out your daughters earrings. There is no reason for her to be punished.. My daughter's got took out by accident shotly after it was peirced and it was bleeding and hurt her pretty bad..

If you think it would cause problems to say something - I think like your husband "what's done is done".

Thanks!

You are in a very tough situation. The audacity that she had your daughter's ears pierced without your consent is absolutely wrong!!! That is a special moment between you and your daughter. (Husband too if he likes to be totally involved)She had no right to get it done without even talking to you!!! You are right to be upset about it.

Here's the hard part. If you do say something, she's going to do her best to punish you. You are going to have to set the limits on how far it goes. Talk with your husband and see where he stands. Is he going to back you up? Is this going to conflict with your job environment? How will this effect the kids? Are the kids old enough to stay by themselves? Is there anyone else in the family that can take care of them? How often do you have these conflicts with your SIL? If this happens all the time, then you're going to have to draw the line. These are YOUR children. YOU make the decisions.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to end up dealing with her. You're going to have to decide how much she gets away with. I can only wish you the best of luck and hope that everything turns out alright for you and your family.

Brightest of Blessings,
K. L

Wow, that can be a really sticky situation. First, you have to know what it is that you are really upset about. You were going to get her ears pierced anyway, so it can't be the piercing. I would have to assume that it was because you wanted to be the one to do it and not let someone else. I agree with your husband, that what is done is done. You have a close family and a person, who is willing to be there when you can't and make decisions for your kids when you are not available. I would get with your daughter and ask her what made her change her mind. You may be surprised that she really wanted to do it, and your sister-in-law knew you were shopping and didn't want to interrupt you or didn't want your daughter to grow cold feet again. She probably considers herself LIKE a mother to your kiddos, not their real mother, but like a mother. I would pick my battles and this doesn't sound like one to fight. Would you really take the earrings out just to spite your sister-in-law? Wouldn't that hurt your daughter if it were really her decision and not your sister in law's. Good luck

I don't understand the problem - you asked your daughter already if she wanted her ears pierced. Did you want to be there for it, is that all? It sounds to me like you're making something out of nothing. If it upset you, tell her you wished she hadn't done that without you being there because that was something special you wanted to share with your daughter, but it's nothing worth fighting over.

You don't say what age the child is.

For an older child - 6+ I would leave it alone. The kid was old enough to think about it and the SIL thought it was a treat for both of you.

For a younger child- baby+ I would be upset. She made a parenting decision that will/can affect the child's well being without consulting you. It is not her child so it is not her decision to make.

Next time something like that comes up I would make a point of not doing it with SIL in tow. Or I would make a point of saying it is something to think about and that you want to talk to dd more and this is just a discussion--not action at that time. Be real clear so there is no question of what you want or desire to see happen with your children.

btw I am guess this gal has no kids of her own. I can't imagine a fellow mother would do this. She probably does not realize the extent of doing something like this with someone else's child, so you have to cut her a little slack as the aunt that wanted to be fun and helpful. ;-)

I have to say am shocked that they would do it without parental consent. It was my understanding that any piercing, cutting, invasive procedure in the state of Texas had to have a signed parental consent and parent present. I know my dd had to when we pierced her ears.

ps. don't forget to clean them daily and turn the earrings a little to prevent growth around them making it hurt when you do change them.

If your daughter had said yes, you were going to do it right?

I would be mad I missed that event, and probably would have told my SIL that she should have had me paged to meet her there. Just as future reference.

I wouldn't take them out to grow up to repierce that them... that seems mean to me.

I would let her know she should have got me so I can be part of it, missing out on it would have made me mad , but you offered your daughter the option so it isn't like you were against her having her ears pierced all together. I wouldn't cause a family spectical over it though.
Good luck..

Hi A.

Well look at it like this, You wanted your daughters ears pierce any way, you scared your daughter from getting it done. but with your sister in-law she let her know that it doesnt hurt that bad, so then your daughter decided to get it done. I think you are a little jealous because you didnt share that moment and yes I would be mad too but inside I will have to forgive her because that would have been a little selfish on my side. Next time you guys talk make sure its the right timing and let her know.

V.

Dear A.
Sorry about your in-law problem. I don't have any sister-in-law but I do have an older sister who is very critical of how I am with my own children. All I can tell you is that sometimes you have to pick your battles over certain things. The only thing I can see wrong here is that she did not tell you anything before she got your daughters ears pierced. At least out of common courtesy I would have done it. I think that to avoid another problem like this in the future you should bring this issue up in a calm manner, telling her that in the future you would appreciate a heads up before she does anything with your children. I do not she why she would get up in arms about that. But if she does you will just have to deal with that at the time as far as sitting goes in the future. As far as your husband goes he is not going to pick sides with either of you because either way he would be losing and you should understand that.
Hope this helps

Well I think she probably thought it was OK since you asked your daughter if she wanted them done. But she should not have done it without your permission or you being there. I use to have the same problem with my SIL. She dyed my daughter's hair when she was 13. I almost died, myself. Your husband and you need to ask her not to do anything like this without consulting you first. Even if she means well. If she had asked you may have let her get your childs ears pierced. After all you were going to, and it is often easier if someone else does it. But she had no right without your permission. To keep from any family problems, tell her you understand her trying to help, but you would rather be the one to be with your child for the events or at least be aware of them.

ok I am confused you said you did want to get her ears pierced right and the only reason you didn't do it is b/c your daughter thought it would hurt.....my opinion great that your sis in law did it for you - she obviously somehow convinced your daughter to do it and like your husband said what is done is done be happy for your daughter and heck no don't take them out take care of them so she doesn't have to do it again.

what your sister-in-law did was not right. you really need to confront her about it. you need to tell her that you are the parent and you would be the one to make a decision like piercing of the ears. also reinforce to her that you are not mad just slightly disappointed that she would take it upon herself to do that.also tell her that under any circumstances she is not to make a decision without you concerning your children. and if she gets mad and makes your life miserable, she will get over it. you be the bigger person and stand by your decision

many blessings,
A.

Dear A. ,
You asked your dougter about ear peirsing , if she seid yes ,you would do it,right?
I ges what hurts is your sister inlow didn't ask your permition before she did persing for your dougter?
Did you tell your sister about douter's fear of paine?If yes,maybe they wonted to suprize you and to show you then your douter can stand the paine?Some times kids would do sings with other person easier and pearents shoud use it.
To take the earings from your douter means to loose ,you can't explne why, can you? Jast support your's douter bravary.But you can speak with your sister inlow about you want to shear every moment of joy with your kid and next time you'll be happy if they call you to come and do things together.
Do not be mad it isn't goode way,we have ability to spear fo good reazon-to make pieceful and healthy relationsheeps with people who we love.
Z..

What horrified you? From what I read, you introduced the idea to your children while your sister in law was prestent. She may have thought you wanted their ears pierced and that she was doing you a favor.
Of course, I could imagine that ear piercing may have been something you wanted to do with them and maybe now wont have the chance, but
I agree with your husband. What is done is done, the girls may enjoy their earrings now and not want them removed.

i realize you have many opinions on this already but i wanted to put my 2 cents in...

well... I think you are right in that you are unhappy with the fact that your sister in law made that choice for you. Eventhough you had offered and it was rejected. I would not want sombody else making that choise for me. But at the same time I do not think it is anything to blow up over. I would calmly explain that when it comes to your children you need to be asked under any and all circumstances even if you brought it up.

Don't worry about it. Just let it go. Something similiar happened to me (but in reverse). My sister sent my neices to stay with me for a few weeks in the summer and they had terrible split ends so I asked the oldest(12) when was the last time they had a hair cut. She told me it had been several years! So I took them for a hair cut, mind you it was just a trim, no major style change, just a couple of inches to make the hair healthy again. Well, my sister told me she did not appreciate me cutting her girls hair. She was really upset. Then of course the rest of the family chimes in and some agree with her and some say she's over reacting...so the family was divided - a simple hair cut turned into a huge fiasco.

There is no way to know for sure how someone is going to feel about things, but if you psych yourself up and tell yourself it's no big deal, then you'll start to believe it. And eventually your husband will too! Good luck.

Well whatever you do, Please don't take the earrings out of your daughter's ears. It's not her fault you and your SnL had a disagreement; let your daughter enjoy her new pierced ears. I understand if you were wanting to share this step with your daughter (I have a daughter as well, and would be very upset if I were to miss this step into girl-hood, so I understand), but perhaps you can still share the moment with her by taking her out to buy earrings, teaching her how to take care of her ears, etc. It's always best to leave the children out of our squabbles with other adults - I'm sure your child is thrilled with her new ears - let her enjoy them! :-)

I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would just sit her down and tell her

"I appreciate that you had my daughter's ears pierced, however, please don't do anything like that again without talking to me first. As a parent, I would like to be the one making the decisions that pertain to my children. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from and hope this doesn't cause any friction between us."

Make sure you say it in the most polite way because politeness is the easiest way to get things accomplished. If politeness doesn't work then be assured that being mean won't either and this person will be in your life forever. So try to keep the peace.

Good luck!

IM SORRY BUT I WOULD BE MORTIFIED... No one is gong to understand but a mother. That is YOUR decision, especially something that is so permenant... I cannot believe she did that. But like your husband says, whats done is done, he just doesnt see it like a mom does...I guess she thought since you had asked your daughter, that you would approve, which is not the point. I would talk to your daughter, if she wants to keep them then I would just take a deep breath and go on... but if you dont want to keep them, all you have to do is take the earings out and they should quickly grow back. I waiting until my dauther was old enough to make her own decision herself and could also take care of them herself.. Who knows, the style in five years could be that you have NO HOLES IN YOUR BODY, that you are PURE. Dont make it a family issue... its just not worth it... take Care L. ____@____.com

I would NOT say anything, If the only reason your upset is because YOU were not there to see your daughter get her ears peirced. Unless you told your sister-n-law you didn't want her to take your daughter. Yes, I know you wanted to be the one who took her but I think your daughter felt comfortable with her aunt. And that's great because you want your daughter to be able to go someone you can trust if she's not with you, right?
And that's all that happened. As long as your daughter is ok with everything... DON'T TAKE OUT THE PEIRCINGS because they are your daughter's and as long as she's happy, really, why be upset??

I think I have to agree with Felicia. If you were going to get them pierced anyway, your SIL probably thought she was doing you a favor. Whenever you tell kiddos that something will hurt, they are going to say no. But if it is something they really want to do, they will eventually change their minds. Ask your daughter if she is happy with her new earrings. If she is, just let it go. And don't take them out just to spite your sister-in-law. Eventually you could mention that you wish you could have been there, but I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it. Pick your battles.

I would have been very upset also.
I would contact Wal Mart since i am aware that it is against company policy for anyone even the grandmother to sign for a minors piercing. The employee should be held responsable for her actions.
I would also have been very upset, but (in my situation) there are few people I trust with my 6 yr. old (she's bipolar). However: my daughter in law is one. She (my DIL) deals with Carly in a totally different way then I do, with outstanding results, the influence of others can be very scary, As parents I feel that we go about dealing with our kids in our own manner. Your SIL more then likely has influence with your daughter. It's not easy to take sometimes. but it can be helpful at times. Talk with both ppl calmly, ask what was thought and what was said. It could have just a case of second thoughts. Does your SIL normally do things too hurt you, if not it's probably just a innocent happening, but if so, remember it's how close to the holidays we are. I know I'm letting my loved ones get away with more than I usually do, unless it involves someone other than myself, than I'm calmly pulling both parties aside to handle the situation, instead of kicking butts.

You might want to address it anyway...I would talk to my daughter and ask her if it hurt and how she felt and so on...sometimes kids will do things with other people and not with their moms and dads...you might want to address it to your sis in law anyway cuz what if later on she takes her to get a tattoo...you know...if she holds a grudge well then she will be the one to be miserable...you kids come first.always...

P.S. The Grudge will pass, in time

A.,
On one hand I completly understand your frustration because that's something I would have wanted to be there for but, of course I would not turn around and remove the earrings from your daughters ears to punish her and make her have to go through any pain she has already dealt with again. I mean your sister in law should have indeed asked your permission but, consider your daughter I mean you were going to do it anyways if your daughter had agreed to do it with you right. I would actually tell my sister in law about herself and let it be known that that is your child and if she ever feels the need to do something like that ever again she should ask you and not just take it upon herself to do her own thing because what if she did that and one of the kids had a major reaction to it or something bad happened like a infection or something. She should take responsibility and know that what she did was wrong.
Good luck!

A.,
it sounds like there is already some issues going on. You wanted her ears pierced, let it go and if you must just tell her how you feel but not in a defensive way. Just tell her I think it was really nice that you got her to do it I wish you would have waited on me so I could share in this first moment. Maybe you can make the first step on you two being able to approach one another without hostility arrupting. My sister in law done my daughters ears and I was there but she has all boys and she just wanted to do it because I was too worried about my mom chewing me out. So she actually helped me to learn to take a stand. Its already done be a peace maker. You'll win alot of hearts when you over look this. Especially with your daughter you'll be the one to nurse her ears through this. About the inlaw thing, I speak from years of experience. The first 7 years of marriage your learning to deal with each other and each others families and your learning things about him that reflect his family......bla bla so from looking back I wish I would have left alot of things go. Your daughter you will always have. Your kids always love their parents, I was in a very insecure marriage and I know now that my kids love me no matter what and because of a nasty marriage my daughter was really hurt by his family and him. Its those moments like my brother's wife who took her to get those ears pierced that reminds her that she is loved. If you love someone let them go if they are yours they'll come back.....well that shoe fit my situation because now I wish I would have just let may daughter pick up those few crumbs they'd throw her and make her see how much she is loved instead of wanting her to see the God ugly truth, It would have made her a more secure person. I'm rambling on but what I'm saying is be a peace maker and doctor those ears and just you letting others making her feel loved she'll love you even more. Remember forgiving isnt a feeling its a choice, and God acts out of obedience so in forgiving, God meets you the rest of the way and rescues your heart from the hurt. Play it up be a part have those new earings waiting. Appreciate you sis in law she may have some issues but all of us have our downfalls, you telling her thankyou releases her to treat you right. She may know inside that she gets by with things bc you need he for sitting favors. Trust me I say love conquers a multitude of sin. When you can talk without hostility on either part just tell her thanks for the gesture I'm glad my daughter had a niece and aunt moment but next time please let me involved too. Good luck

Hi A.. I don't think you should take the earrings out. Just make sure to put solution on them every day and turn them so the solution gets into the hole. I think if your daughter already has them, she will be able to enjoy them once she gets past this painful period. There's no sense in making her go through it again when she'll probably want them later. As for your sister-in-law, I think you should talk to her about it. There's no reason to confront her in a combative way, but if you don't say something, it's going to build up and come out later in a different way and under different circumstances. I think in order to keep the peace AND let her know that there are boundaries, you might want to approach her in a positive way by saying something like, "I really appreciate you taking _____ to get her ears pierced. They hurt right now but I know she'll love them in the long run. I would, however, like you to talk to me before you do these kinds of things so that we know what's going on. But, she does look great with those earrings!" I mean, you can word it however you want, but she does need to know that these decisions should really go through you first, but that you understand she was just trying to do something nice for her niece and that you appreciate it. I hope this helps!!