Husband Is in Peru, Hasn't Contacted Me!

Updated on February 26, 2019
K.M. asks from West Hartford, CT
21 answers

Hi, would you be angry if your husband went somewhere out of the country for 2 weeks and never let you know that he got there safely? Despite the fact that you asked him to do so.
I do not expect many calls,etc but just that he is there ok. My 14yr old and 18yr old stepson are shocked my husband hasn't called.
Anyone have thoughts on this? Let this go, or let him know when he returns how selfish he was?

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So What Happened?

So he is gone for 2 weeks and left last Monday. Unfortunately only a few family members have cell phones and internet at their home. He has his phone, but he cannot call internationally without a card. The thing is I don't expect him to call through his visit, but more just to tell me he is safe there. So he can call me, but he has to be in an urban area and go to a calling place. You pay a fee and get to use the phone. When I went there, my 14 yr old stayed with my friend, and I needed to call and was able to. I knew he would be very busy as his family is spread out through Lima and out in the rural country area. Only the main cities have phone access,etc. I am sure he is fine, I am just frustrated and fed up. He didn't understand why I needed to call home that time either.

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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

Contact the US embassy. They can screen by passport if he entered the country.

Or you can shut off his credit cards. Then he will call..

6 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

K.

He should be able to text you that he arrived safely,.

He has not contacted his children either?
No one has internet access so that he can send an email??

I would call the US Embassy in Peru and ask them to verify he made it there.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I read some of your prior posts, including the one from last August about your stepson going to Peru and doing the same exact thing. Was your husband upset with his son for not contacting him for 2 weeks despite having Facebook messenger and other means of communication available? If yes, then it's inexcusable that your husband is doing this to you.

However, if your husband wasn't mad at his son, then I wonder if there's a cultural difference going on here. Do the men think they should not have to "report in" to women or parents? Do they think that "bad news travels fast" and that you'd be notified if there were a problem, so the absence of a call from the police or the relatives should be enough to reassure you? Do you think they react badly to demands to check in?

No matter how remote the family towns are, I see no reason why he couldn't have contacted you when he landed at the main airport. If you asked him to do it and he refused or forgot, he's thoughtless at best, and cruel at worst.

But all of your posts sound like there's a whole lot of disrespect or ignoring of you - husband, stepson, son. So I think this is a much bigger problem than this one trip and this one husband. I think you need to get a professional involved to find out better ways to communicate and stand up for yourself, how much you're willing to put up with, and some more self-affirming way to manage these situations so you aren't careening from one crisis to another. Maybe there's something you can do differently, and maybe you need to think more about your son learning from this husband and stepson. The whole family dynamic is really not one of supportive and caring people.

9 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from Boston on

It sounds like you two were raised differently. In my household we would call to let others know we got somewhere safely (now we just text) and call if our schedule was going to change (like we were running late). When my oldest got married her hubby wasn't raised like that so he didn't understand calling home during a long trip or schedule change. He figured that if something bad happened the police would contact his family.

In this case your hubby probably feels like if something happened his family would contact you. I'd probably stop stewing over it and just let it go at this point. He's having fun with his family and you are just making yourself upset over something that isn't going to change.

6 moms found this helpful
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R.L.

answers from Chicago on

Instead of asking if any of us would be angry, try to accept that you are angry and you are entitled to your anger.

I think you should ask yourself if this is the only time in your relationship with your husband that he is not considerate of your feelings, or if this is one of many such times. Either way, I think you should address it when he gets home, but if you just call him “selfish” he is likely to become defensive, and you will get nowhere. Try being happy to see him and welcoming, and share that you were worried about him. Try to have a mature discussion about your different perspectives on this. Accept that his perspective, perhaps this wasn’t something that was ever done in his family, could be just as reasonable as yours, and see if he can see that your feelings are also valid. Sometimes in relationships we do things only for the other person. Can he do this, and if not, do you want to hold onto your anger or let it go? How important is this to you?

5 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

This is just plain thoughtless, if he needs a card to call he should have brought one with him and checked in once he was there safely. When my husband travels I always get a text when he is on the ground, and usually a call every night, but at the very least he makes contact daily so I know he is well and he knows we are well.

3 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Of course I would want to hear from my husband as well, but if he can't call internationally and internet is spotty how would you expect him to reach you?

3 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Portland on

No, I wouldn't be angry. I would be disappointed. Your so what happened post lists several reasons he would have difficulty or not able calling. Why do you choose it's because he's selfish? He's with family for 2 weeks. Two weeks will fly by quickly. I would hope his focus is on his Peru family during this very short time.

I suggest your anger is related to other issues you and your husband have. I hope that you will let go of him not having called. Instead find out the reasons your relationship is not working and get help with it.

To moms who say their husbands would call your husbands are not making International calls from a country that has limited cell phone coverage.

Could this situation be related to cultural expectations. Your husband and stepson are from Peru. If you aren't also from Peru, your husband and you are likely to be dealing with cultural differences including misunderstandings.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

He has been away 2 weeks and hasn't called?
I wouldn't have had to have asked. That's absurd.
I don't think it's about being selfish. That's just .. not sure what that is.
Why is he there? For work? Can't you contact him? How do you know he's ok?

ETA:
When you asked your hubby to call you, did he say he would? Seems reasonable for him to be able to at some point despite the challenges (saw your SWH).

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

It is my opinion that there is no excuse for this, it is a complete lack of consideration on his part. I traveled to Greece and while it was expensive to call my parents on my cell, I still did so, just limited my talks to a few minutes. My bill was all of less than $100 for a 2-week stay and calling practically daily, or every other day at least. Really? He can't afford that? If that's not possible, there is such a thing as email, which does not cost a thing. He can go to a public library and send an email to let you know he is okay and thinking of you. Nowadays, there's WhatsApp. I call friends in the UK and Romania and they call me, all free of charge, through that app. That whole nonsense of being unable to call without a card is just that -- nonsense. Where there is a will, there is a way. He also could have purchased an international calling card at a supermarket, if he's so technologically inept that he doesn't know how to download an app.

I would go through whatever trouble I'd need to, in order to let my mother know I arrived safely wherever I am going, because otherwise, I would not hear the end of it that I was rude to leave everyone hanging and wondering what happened and if I was alive (I got that spiel last weekend for the long Presidents Day weekend, when I went out of town 3 hours away and never called during those 3 days). I would think it'd be just as significant, if not more, if it's your own children and spouse waiting to hear if you made it okay. Not just that, but you SPECIFICALLY asked him to call, so knowing that this is important to you, he blatantly ignores it and downplays the whole thing.

I have family in Lima, and they all have cellphones and cellphone coverage. No, they are not wealthy by any means, but most people have them. If not, landlines are pretty standard in pretty much every household. There are also cybercafes in town, where you can pay to use a computer with internet access. Peru is not a third world country that relies on fires and candles for lighting, they have electricity, cable television, cellphones, and more. It is a developing country, and plenty of people there have modern conveniences such as air conditioning and more. I am willing to bet that it is more a personality issue on his part, maybe he likes feeling needed, likes the attention, etc., of being hounded and missed when he appears.

I would mention to him that you were worried sick, maybe mention how you considered filing a missing person's report, calling the embassy, etc., just so he can see the seriousness, stress, and frustration that his behavior causes you. I wouldn't call him selfish because that's just going to rile him up and won't get you anywhere, just say you were assuming the worst and would appreciate it if he made an effort to somehow contact you to let you know he is fine. It is not a sign of clinginess, but a sign of concern and love.

3 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Yes, I would be pretty pissed off and disappointed. He could have bought a phone card and called when he first got in at the airport to let you know he arrived safely. Or at the very least called or emailed when he got to a family member's home with internet/phone access. In you SWH you say he didn't understand why you needed to call him to your daughter the time you went. So, it seems you are on different pages here. He just doesn't think it is necessary. I guess you have to get through to him how important it is to YOU. Ask him if he knows that you worry...tell him the things you think when he doesn't call. Tell him what you worry about and how it is unkind to not call you to give you some peace of mind. I'm sorry...that's pretty lame of him. My husband can be pretty selfish at times too. :(

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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

Actually, based on what you added in your SWH I can sort of understand. My husband is Tanzanian and it can be really cumbersome to find a way to get access to a phone in those situations, especially on a short trip. It's not great that he didn't find a way to fulfill your request to check in, but you yourself know the challenges of communication. You might hold off on categorizing him as selfish. I wonder if that will be the best way to start a conversation about how he might find a different way to handle a check-in call next time.

One more question: how long have you been together, and how often has he gone on these trips? Are you two maybe learning how to 'do' these trips? Or conversely, has he done so many of these trips that it's old hat and he forgets that you might be anxious? Just some thoughts I had. Good luck with it.

ETA: Others' posts, particularly Diane B, pointed out that this situation has a backstory. I change my suggestion in light of that added information. You seem to be dealing with a pattern of disregard from your husband and his son. It doesn't seem like getting angry on your own about the pattern does anything for you. Are you working with a counselor to sort out your feelings and how to change your response to their pattern? Might that be a good idea?

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R..

answers from San Antonio on

I would be filing a missing persons report.

My DH would never just go AWOL...good grief he calls when he check into a hotel for the night three hours away...much less in another country.

If you DH returns, I'm not sure I'd still be there I would be so angry at him!!

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N.Z.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would be livid. I hope he's okay.

2 moms found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Personally, I would be worried not angry. Are you certain he did arrive safely?...not to scare you. Do you have any way to try to contact him?

2 moms found this helpful
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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Before he left, when you asked him to call, what did he say? Did he say "Ok, I'll call right away." Or did he try to tell you that he thought it was unnecessary (and you argued or just didn't want to hear it). If it's the second, then you are not really surprised, right? And what good would bringing it up again do?

And, just to point out the opposite perspective - he's there visiting family. So if he did NOT make it ok, surely you would have heard about it. After all, if he didn't show up when he said that he would, his family would have contacted you to find out where he was. You say yourself that you are sure that he is fine.

Would a phone call have been nice? Of course. But under the circumstances, you do know that he's ok so it's not really required.

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L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

There are lots of ways to communicate. When my son was stationed in a not nice place, he found a way to get word to us that he had arrived. He also found a way to let us know when he was going to be on his way home. There are lots of free ways to communicate via internet without using the phone part of the phone...
Sorry... I’d be furious and he’d know it the minute he turned on his phone in the airport... if he is a business man, he is keeping in touch with the office, for sure...
Thoughtless is what he is!

1 mom found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I think he should've let you know he's alive and well.
It's just rude not to.
You really don't know if he's just forgot to let you know or if he's lying in a ditch somewhere.
Can you call where he's staying and ask if he's arrived alright?
If he hasn't then I might worry enough to alert the authorities that he is missing though Im not sure how that works in Peru.

https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/international-...

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

are there no social media there that would allow him to contact you easily?

yeah, i'd be super pissed about not hearing a word.

did you ask him to do so before he left and he's just ignoring your request? or are you assuming that he should because you want him to, and are angry that he hasn't read your mind?

khairete
S.

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L.H.

answers from Abilene on

I would be furious. It’s completely unacceptable. Even an email is fine. To not hear anything at all - no way.

By the way there’s a free app called viber that you can use on a stateside phone overseas to check in. My nephew uses it all the time to communicate with us when he’s out of the USA. Both people who are trying to communicate have to have it downloaded, and there’s a slight delay from when the person stops talking until you hear them, but it’s awesome, free, and gets the job done. Works with internet. So he could let you know he’s made it from the airport.

I’m sorry you’re being questioned by your step kids. What a crappy thing he’s done.

If he has an email I would send him a message that you’re concerned and the kids are questioning why he hasn’t contacted you. If you’re anxious, you can always contact the US Embassy and see what they recommend.

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S.A.

answers from Kansas City on

Yes, very selfish & inconsiderate. There are many ways to be contacted these days. And I would be upset.
Hope all is ok.

Updated

Yes, very selfish & inconsiderate. There are many ways to be contacted these days. And I would be upset.
Hope all is ok.

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