Overreaction or Cause for Anger?

Updated on May 24, 2019
K.M. asks from West Hartford, CT
21 answers

Hi mamas, you all have been helpful in the past and I appreciate that! I have another question:
My husband and I hardly see each other and live like roommates. This is not my choice but his. So there is resentment and tension as it is ny me toward him.
Last night he went to a friends house like 20 mins away. He left like 7p. I never see him much, he only has Mondays off and works 2 jobs. So he texts me a while later saying he has my keys by accident and would move my car off the street behind his later on. No big deal.
Until 10:30p and he wasnt back yet. So I text him and get no reply. I call and no answer but right after the call he texts me( why didnt he answer the call then?) And says he is almost done talking with his friend and would be home soon. I said I was concerned he would have beers and stay over there etc and I had to leave for work this morning before 7a. I have to have my car for work..I use it for my work too. So I was stressing..its a newer job too.
I realize I sound like a dramatic lunatic..but there is history of him drinking too much and I have insisted he stay at a friends if need be rather than job( yes I had to insist this!). So I was afraid he would do this and I wouldnt be able to drive..I had a spare key but not key fob. I thought I had to have the fob( dumb I know oops!)..ok so I was up way later than usual, midnight. I try to sleep and wake at 1:30..and see he isn't home yet and my car was in the street. I texted and called him..no response..I finally sleep 2-5am and wake up and he is then home. I had my keys and all set..but..ok...at 11 he said he was leaving then for home..then at 11:30 he says the same thing..I was pissed! So he was lying in attempt to get me off his back! And then he gets home after 2am! Would you be angry? How would you react to this scenario? So sorry for the length!

What can I do next?

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answers from Miami on

Please see a lawyer before you do anything. You need legal guidance. You may think that you are the one who has to make a decision, but he may just up and leave you without a pot to piss in. The writing is on the wall here. Don’t get caught with empty bank accounts and missing documents. See a lawyer immediately.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

It doesn't sound like he wants to be married to you. Do you want to be married to him? Maybe you do, if he were still the person you married and still wanted to be married to you. But if he no longer wants to be married, do you really want to settle?

This has to be so painful. If I'm completely wrong about this situation and he really does want to be married, then that is great! But if he no longer wants to be married, let him go. You're too good for this. You deserve better. You ARE worth it!

This isn't about drinking or about what time he got home. This is about the fact that you deserve better.

7 moms found this helpful

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answers from Pittsburgh on

wow...you have a lot going on in your marriage. A lot of dysfunction.

You need to decide whether or not you deserve better and then go from there.
Your children deserve to know what a loving marriage is. this is not a loving marriage. Can it be one? Yes. But it will take a LOT of work and desire by both.

You're angry. I understand. You want your marriage but this is not acceptable.

It is my opinion that your husband is having an affair. He's avoiding you any way he can. Hire someone to follow him when he says he's going over to a friend's house. Find out WHO that friend is. Male or female? Doesn't matter anymore. I'd want to know what is going on behind closed doors.

If you feel you deserve better than this? Start by doing a financial review. Can you support yourself without his paychecks? If not, you better start saving money and finding a better paying job. Get your ducks in a row.

I would love to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. But really? Going to another country and never contacting you? Yeah, I don't think he was there. Not answering the phone? He's too busy having sex to be bothered to pick up the phone. Do NOT confront your husband until you have proof.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

You have a choice here.
What does getting angry do for you?
How does it fix anything?
Will it chew you up inside, burn up your energy, consume your every waking thought?
Would doing that be what you consider living a good life?

Yes you have reason to be very angry.
You need to think outside the box.
Keep your keys (or fob) on a chain around your neck or otherwise lock them up.

If your relationship has deteriorated this far then why stay married?
You are not a team working together and you are not bringing out the best in each other.
He has no regard for you, your feelings, your job.

File for divorce and evict him.
He has friends he can stay with and they can decide how long to put up with him.
Free him - and you will be freeing yourself at the same time.

It's not good for your kids to be seeing how he treats you.
If you can't divorce him for yourself then do it for them.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

So let me get this straight: your stepson went to Peru to visit family for 2 weeks last year and you had a sh*t fit because he didn't contact you or your husband for 2 weeks and only expected a ride home from the airport. You said that the step-son had access to cell phone, Facebook Messenger and simply had zero excuse for the lack of contact.

However, your husband makes this same trip and the same mistake - yet you continue to care for his home and such and give tons of excuses as to why he couldn't call. He "mistakenly" grabs your car keys and is too busy to run them back to you or even bother to answer the phone. You openly admit that you are just "roommates" and that is his choice and not yours.

Wake up and smell the coffee . . . that friend? More than a friend. Or he says he is at a guy friends and he is spending time with his new girlfriend. He is so obviously cheating on you that he might as well have rented a billboard with a message "don't bother me when I am with the other woman" on it.

Dump him and move on unless you want your 14 yr old to treat women like he does or be a doormat like you are. Look at his 18 yr old . . . already acting like his dad.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I looked back at your post from February, when he didn't contact you at all when he was out of the country. Seems he doesn't respond even if he's in the same zip code.

You have a fundamental marriage problem - maybe it's cultural (I don't know his background) and maybe it's what he wants, but you're not happy. This is about him not wanting to be with you. Aren't there teen boys in the picture too? I think you said you have a son and a stepson. So what kind of example is he setting for them, and what kind of boys are you raising? I realize the stepson is your husband's responsibility, but still....

Maybe he likes watching you jump through hoops, call, text, call again, and so on. Maybe he gets off on being in control and keeping you submissive or off balance. Maybe he's devious enough to take your keys on purpose so you get stressed out. But his motivation is of lesser concern than your reason for putting up with this. What are you getting out of this relationship? Companionship? Nope. Intimacy? Nope. Truth-telling? Nope. Role model for your son? Nope. So, what? You need his income? You don't believe in divorce?

I know you are focusing on his drinking and his need to stay over with his friend. Or your wish that he do so. But seriously, if he gets home at 2 a.m. and then goes to work at 7 a.m., he's just as impaired by being sleep-deprived as he is by drinking. He's a menace on the road. I wouldn't drive with him, and I wouldn't let my son drive with him. And I can't believe he's the least bit effective in his 2 jobs if he's this exhausted.

I'd be working with a counselor - alone, if necessary - to figure out what I want from this relationship and what I'm willing to put up with to get it. But again, this is not about keys or beer. This is about his distance and lying and hiding out from you. You have to find a backbone and figure out why being walked on and disrespected is something you're tolerating.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

It's well past just being angry in this specific instance.

The bigger question is why do you tolerate such disrespectful and dismissive behavior from your husband?

Are you trying to stick it out until your 14 year-old leaves for college? Are you scared of being on your own? Are you worried you couldn't make it financially?

It looks like you and your youngest son are suffering as a result of this family dynamic. You've written previously about your dissatisfaction with your husband's disrespect and about concerns you have for your 14 year-old's behavior.

Contact an experienced family therapist and see how you can get help for yourself and your 14 year-old. Your husband clearly does not want to get help and seems to have no concern about the effects of his drinking, emotional distance, and absence on you or your son, so take care of yourself and your child. Help him see that this is not the way a healthy marriage or a healthy family operates.

You have a few short years left with your son at home to help him. Focus your attention on that. Gain some understanding of why you put up with this kind of life and grow from this experience. You have an entire lifetime left when your son goes to college and then begins a life of his own. Take this time to make a better path for your future.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

This was my life for many years and I was extremely pissed and resentful, I hated the feeling of bitterness and resentment I felt on a daily basis. The last straw was when within a period of 2-3 weeks he didn't come home a few times but without having the decency to call or text to let me know he was staying at a friends, so of course, those where sleepless nights thinking about all the horrible things that can happen when you drink and drive. After the last time he did it we realized we just couldn't be together anymore and we were very unhappy together. He left, we separated and later divorced and are great friends now. He's a good man with a drinking problem, I have my issues too although no addictions and now that we're not together we're good co-parents to our kids, I don't have to deal with his sh... and he doesn't have to deal with mine! Happy ending!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I find it very sad to see you wonder if you’re overreacting, a “dramatic lunatic”, for being upset with the way you are being treated in your marriage. Whether or not he is cheating on you, like others, I also am wondering what you are getting from this marriage? Do you feel financially dependent on him? Are you afraid of being alone?

If it’s a financial worry that keeps you there, it sounds like you are also working, and you have a child together so would be able to receive child support. Take a look at your finances and talk to a lawyer, if only to see what your options are.

If you’re afraid of being alone, can you see that you are already alone? I wonder if you have family or friends who are in healthy relationships? Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? Please get some counseling for yourself and your son. You deserve to be happy, your son deserves a happy mom, and he deserves to see what a healthy relationship looks like.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

yes, this would piss me off. being careless enough to take your keys isn't a big deal IF he followed through on what he said he'd do. but he didn't. he lied.

i don't know why you're choosing to live like this, but it sounds unpleasant and stressful all round.

but since you're not actually a couple, i'm not sure what you can do about it if you're not willing to move out. you're not likely to change him, are you?

i hope you change your circumstances soon.


6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Of course I would be angry, it's disrespectful and I wouldn't put up with it. I also wouldn't be willing to stay married to a man who just wants to be my roommate. Why are you? For the kids? Do you think that's a good example for them? Or is it for the money? You'd be better off collecting spousal and child support.
I seriously don't understand how so many women can live like this. I don't know if it's fear or laziness but you are causing your kids serious damage by modeling this dysfunctional behavior.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You need counseling. Your husband is SO clearly not into your marriage, it's beyond obvious. He is likely cheating on you and if not, he is spending his time with anyone BUT you. How is this okay?! Please get some help!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

Honestly, I would assume he was cheating. The not answering the call and then texting you back feels like a huge red flag. But, even if he is not cheating he is lying to you and not respecting you. You say you live like roommates, only you can decide how long that will be good enough for you. Best of luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Re-read the other replies; they said what I'm thinking. I'll just reinforce that this situation is not just about keys or even beers. It's about a fundamental disconnect between two partners in a marriage. Definitely time for therapy (for you) and checking in on your younger son.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

This is really messed up. How old is your husband? Is he super young and immature? This is not how one behaves in a marriage. I can see going to hang out with a friend once a month (or less) but it sounds like he does this often? It's like he has little interest in spending time with YOU...this is a very lonely marriage I bet. Can you get him to do marriage counseling with you? Like you I would be pissed off if my husband did this. If he didn't change and kept doing it I would definitely end the marriage and move on...life is too short to have a husband who treats you with so little respect and friendship and love.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I would be so angry I would probably leave him. If this was the first time maybe understand, but after the first, or the second I'd say he has either a drinking problem that isn't solved without counseling or AA or he is kind of checked out of the marriage but likes having you at home. Sorry to say this, but you can make a choice now and that is to get yourself some help on your own, together or pack it up and move on. You don't want to lose your job. He doesn't seem like he is too worried about that. I am so sorry.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You don't sound like a dramatic lunatic -- few women would be happy living the way you do. Why do you accept "living like roommates"? No point in spending your life in resentment towards him, maybe you should have a discussion with him and figure out if there's any point in remaining together.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

ETA: changed a bit because I don't think I read this correctly first time ...

My husband and BIL tend to stay up really late when we visit - because they can be night owls (tend to nap in evenings) and they will have a few beers and watch a movie etc. They are middle aged/older men and act like younger guys - just because ... they do this a few times a year.

They wouldn't drive afterwards (so that part concerns me).

So I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions (just yet) as in, I don't necessarily think affair.

Middle aged men can act like teenagers at times. However how often does this happen, and what do you mean by "but there is history of him drinking too much and I have insisted he stay at a friends if need be rather than job".

Do you mean he drinks so much he doesn't go to work?

There is a lot more going on here than just needing your keys and being cranky because you stayed up to be sure you got them.

Do you distrust him overall? Is he disrespectful overall? How often does this happen? Why are you like roommates?

What would YOU do to change this if you could easily do it. Not him, but what would YOU do if you easily could? Answer that question. That answer will tell you what is really going on here (and what's behind your anger) and where you need to focus. :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kalamazoo on

Hey, even if my roommate did that I'd be pissed.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

Well my relationship with my husband is most likely different from yours. So I can say that even doing a mission ( hubby is in Peru for drs with wings) and he is beyond altitude sick, he still calls or texts me every morning and evening.

So we to me it sounds like there is communication problem.. that leads to misunderstandings and passive aggressive attitude.

Personally I would pick a day and sit down and talk to him. I am not sure if like some other said he is cheating ( is he texting someone behind your back, or hiding his phone, can you take his phone and he doesn’t have a heart attack)..but sit down talk to him and figure things out.
You do not sound happy.. I can not judge your husband, maybe that’s a norm for him. But what’s the worst thing that can happen... he might feel the same as you about the relationship and you will split.. don’t you want to be happy?

But I will add this if you were concerned about hubbys safety why would you just not call this friend or friends wife and speak with your hubby -if he wasn’t picking up his cell.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New London on

Will he go to couples Therapy /Counseling?

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