How to Tell a 8 Yr Old About Her Bio Father

Here's the deal. If you make a big deal out of it, she'll make a big deal out of it. If you look like it's this Big Secret Confession like there's something wrong She WILL pick up on and carry it forever.

So before you talk to her you need to get right with yourself.

~You chose poorly the first time. Yep. Ok.
~You were given a miracle. Yes. Absolutely. Her.
~You chose wisely and now have a wonderful man who IS this little girl's Daddy! DNA mean a whole lot of nothing really.
~The male who got you pregnant wants to meet your daughter.
~He is somewhat decent because of the child support. Thousands of males do not. So, he's at least provided for her and has a bit of an "investment" (for lack of a better word)
That's it. Those are the facts. That's what you tell her. The END.

No emotional issue.

He's just the guy that got you pregnant before you met her DADDY. That's what you tell her. DADDY is the one with the realationship.

This person has to earn the right to be called a "real" anything and he's at a huge deficet.

This is only as big as you choose to make it.

Other advice I have for you is to contact a family attorney and see what possible rights you have and what he may have for you to formulate a plan if the state chooses to grand visitation.

Absolutely under no circumstance other than a firm court order to let her alone with this stranger. If he wants to meet her he meets THE FAMILY and interacts with THE FAMILY.

That my buck fifty on the subject. Hope it helps. :o)

K.,
Do you have baby photos of her and you when she was a baby?
Do you have wedding photos of you and her "daddy"? I would start with a photo album if you have one and see first if she notices the change in your family as she was growing up.
I would get her to realize that her "daddy" that loves her is someone that loved her so much that he was willing to have her as his daughter all these years. Once she is OK with this. Then you can explain about your biological father also wanting to be part of her life.

Ask her biological father to be patient. If he is the father that he wants to be he will understand that this may take time. Trust that there is a reason for all this right now.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)

You're daughter is about to have a huge transition
in her life. If I can be of any further assistance
please feel free to write me back.

The sooner you are honest with her, the better. I found out that my grandmother was not my biological grandmother when I was 16. Although this wasn't nearly as important of a relationship as a dad is, I felt betrayed- not because of the fact of it, but becuase of the dishonesty of everyone not telling me sooner. It made me wonder what other skeletons were in the closet. The older your child gets, the harder it will be for her to adapt to this information.

My suggestion is that you should introduce them as this is my friend and your husbands name. Then over time as they get to know each other then you and her bio and your husband should sit down with her and tell her, that he is her biological father. By introducing as a "friend" if her bio decides to skip out again then there is no harm no foul. My son has never met his bio, and he signed his rights off when he was 2. when my son was 8 his bio wanted something to do with him. I just jumped into it and said this is your real father. It confused him and when his bio didnt call or write him for over a year he got very upset asking what he did wrong and why he didnt want anything to do with him. This broke my heart. Now his bio is trying to get back in his life and at my sons request has told him no. This is a hard thing to do to children and I dont think that bio fathers realize the impact leaving a child has on them. Even worse what it does to them if they are not consistent. So you and your husband also need to tell the bio that he needs to be consistent and if he says hes going to call or come see her he sticks to it.
Good luck to you on this, its not going to be easy. Remember in the end that you have the final say in if she see him or not you make the best decision for her.

Sit her down and be honest! If you were married before, tell her that you were, if not then just say "I needed you to know understand something", tell her that you didn't want to talk to her about it until she was old enough to understand fully. However do not tell her like you had no plans to tell her, as that will cause mistrust. She needed to know whether or not her dad came back into her life or not, for numerous reasons.

Kids put a lot of trust in us and you and your husband owe it to her to sit her down and talk to her about everything. She must know that your husband now isn't her dad if she has your maiden name right? Why does she think you have different last names? As far as changing her last name now, baby steps. Get her past this new information and let her process it. Kids are resilient I have found, however they really need to believe we are being totally honest too. Make sure you speak well of her father, let her know he paid support. It is his job to answer why he hasn't been around.

How you talk to her is about her maturity level, being honest, willing to answer tough questions and giving her choices about her feelings about her biological dad.

You know your daughter best, so I think you should go with your own instinct on this one. She's about the perfect age to actually understand the situation. My niece had the same situation. Her bio dad was not involved, no child support. My niece saw him once in a while, but my sister's new husband is her daddy. She thought the bio dad was like a cousin or something until she was old enough for my sister to explain the situation. She was 8, I believe. It took a while for her to adjust to the new information, but it's so much better that she knows the truth. My sister took her daughter to lunch at her favorite restaurant and asked for a very private booth in a corner. She warned her daughter that they had something very important to discuss before they went. She just told her straight out and told her that any questions that came into her head, she could ask and they would be answered. It actually went pretty well. Whatever you do, good luck!

Honesty with sensitivity. The fact that he has at the very least paid his child support does say something about him. let her know that your husband is her daddy, but that another man helped to concieve her, and up unitl know he wasn't ready to be a daddy, but that he would like to get the chance to know her. Simple, sweet, and not taking anything away from the man who raised her. And answer every question as honestly as you can, without putting him down.

considering her age this is going to prove difficult. not in explaining just in emotion. first thing is to explain the situation. she has a daddy, but she also has one that doesn't live with her.make it her choice if she wants to meet him. pressure will never help. also don't speak down about her bio dad. make up little white lies if you have to. tell her you are there to answer any questions. and support her. explaining isn't hard but the emotional part will be very difficult for her.

I think there must be a special place in heaven reserved for good and loving step-parents... My parents divorced when I was 7, my mom didn't meet my step-dad until I was 12, but he has alwasy been more of a dad to me than my bio dad. though obviously i was old enough to know about him when they divorced. anyway, i was telling you this as more of a cheer for your hubbie. and I'd make that a point with your daughter, that dna is just dna... and that love is what makes a family.

and as others said, be honest... and let her know she can control this situation. e.g. ask her if she'd like to meet him. if she isn't ready, he can wait. if he doesn't want to wait, then that give you your answer. I also agree about having a heart to heart with your ex. make sure he is fine with this being on her terms and not his. as long as he wants what is best, and let your daughter set the pace, then let their relationship take its course.

lastly, I totally agree with previous posters.. do not under any circumstances let them be alone until she is older. treat him like a stranger and let him earn your trust and hers.

You've already gotten your resolution but...
my story is the opposite. Hubby & I have 2 boys & he's got 2 from a previous marriage. Our youngest wants to know where his other mom is-his brother has 2 moms, where is his other one? My older (8 YO) son wants another set of grandparents so he can get Christmas gifts from 3 sets like his big brothers.
Glad BD is wanting to be in the picture, hope it works out for your daughter! I'd suggest fun places to start getting acquainted-maybe the zoo, so they can talk about their favorite animals but not be forced to talk the whole time if they don't want to.
Good luck to you all!