To Pursue a Child or Not.... That Is the Question of the HOUR!!

A couple of questions before I can answer.
Did he try to see the child as soon as he found out about him? Does he pay child support?

If he has made every effort to see his son since he found out about him and he is paying child support, then he should be a part of his life. If he neglected to try to see the child when he found out about him and if he doesn't pay child support, he has no right to see him if the mom doesn't want him to. He might have legal rights, but he should respect her choice in the matter. It could cause more problems with the child than it is worth. The boy thinks he has a dad in his life, why confuse him if it has been this way his whole life.
My son's father moved away shortly after we split up, when son was a weak shy of 3 years old. He called us about 14 months later and we haven't heard from him since, until a week ago. I would rather not have him in and out of my son's life. I am doing a good job on my own. I don't get any child support. As far as I am concerned he has no rights to my son. My son is better off feeling abandoned than the mess of a life my ex has to offer. He was abusive when we were together, so that shades my opinion. I hope this helps.

Hi. It is very unfortunate that his son's life is being determined only by his mother. I have a daughter from my previous marriage who is 12 and I finally got to have her live with me (when she was 7) after I got out of the Navy. However, since she has lived with me her father has paid no child support. I am remarried and my husband thinks of her as a daughter as he should and we are upset that he does not feel the need to support his daughter, but we do not hold that against my daugther. She still gets to see him when he flies her for the summer or over Christmas vacation. My point is this no one should come between a parent and their child because ultimately it is going to bite them in the butt later on in life. They will feel abandonment and probably blame the parent who has not been involved. I think you should take action and when he is old enough (his son) to make that decision for himself then his mother and his other man in his life could adopt him if that is what the child desires. Since he will be old enough to make that decision then you know while he was young you were apart of his life and that you love you have loved him unconditionaly, which he will be grateful and less likely to think the way his mother does. I say don't ever let a divorce come between the parent and child, it is their relationship and it is a very important one and sometimes when things get ugly it is the child that suffers not the parents. Please keep that in mind. I hope this helps.

This is an extremely complicated and serious question. The answer involves much more than "do I want to be involved or not?" I ask why has he only seen the boy a few times in his 5 yo life? Does the boy know that your husband is his father? If not in what role does he see him?

I have had much professional and some personal experience in this sort of situation. The outcome of either decisison depends very much on how all the adults in the situation handle it. And how the adults are able to handle it depends very much on the other stresses in their life. Since he is already the father or step-father of 8 children and has not been closely involved with the boy I'd recommend that he not pursue involvement. The boy already thinks of and is involved with another man as his father. I think interjecting yourselves into a relationship that is unwanted by the mother would do more damage than good. Pursuing the boy means an emotional and physical battle which will be damaging to all the children involved.

In a short sentence, it is too late! If your husband wanted to be involved he needed to step up much sooner. This boy has an established secure life. Interrupting that will be damaging.

By maintaining a good relationship with his mother she will be able to tell the boy of his father if and when it's appropriate. By having a battle now everyone's relationship is made more difficult to the detriment of everyone's emotional well being.

If your husband and/or you feel guilt or think that you are not meeting his/your responsibility find a counselor who is experienced in custody situations and talk with them before you make a decision.

I cannot say it strong enough! Use caution and decide slowly before disrupting everyones' lives.

Does your hub want a relationship with is son? That is the big question. And does he know for sure it is his? That isnt an easy question to ask, but something to think about. I would diffinilty try and get some sort of visitation if your hub wants it. He has every right to know who his real father is. Every child does. If this woman wants to have another man in his life that is fine but he needs to know that he is not his REAL dad. She has no right to set this man up as a father if your hub is not ok with it. Can you try for some kind of visitation without getting her to involved probably not but you hub should be allowed to see him. Now as for parenting styles he has been raised under her now for awhile so it would be hard to change things now. You guys would have to work through that. My hub has a daughter with a woman she is now about five or six and it kills me that he has only seen her a handful of times and it was because through chance i worked with the woman and we didnt realize at the time i was dating him and he was the "dead beat" dad she always spoke of. I tried very hard to get him to be n vlved in her life but he just couldnt see eye to eye with the mom. But if you guys have it in your heart to have him in your life take it and run. It is always awesome when these things can work out!! Good luck and i will be thinking of you!! I would look into getting a family law person to look into your situation and get a professional opinion.

This child is 4 years old and his biological dad has only seen him a few times...I'm not understanding the issue here.

Yes, it's a hard choice. But it's not about what bio-dad wants; it's about what's best for the child. Is there child support being paid for this boy, and if so, why so little contact? Being "dad" isn't just about genetics, or even money and child support. It's about being there. Time equals love in a child's mind, as you know from raising the eight children you have. If bio-dad is not going to fight for more consistent time with his son (regular visitation, involvement in his day-to-day life) then what is the hubbub about? I have to assume that bio-dad does NOT know about his son's day-to-day life or he would have been aware that there's another man in his boy's life that the child calls "dad"...he's four years old afterall, so in order for him to really believe this other guy is his dad, the guy's got to have been around for a while now.

I would offer to let the "stepdad" adopt him. If stepdad is that serious about the mom and the kid, he's going to jump at the chance. If he doesn't, or if he doesn't want to marry mom (seems like they aren't married by the wording in your post), then bio-dad should step up and become the presence in his son's life that he needs to be.

Maybe this will help or not. My dad left our family when I was 15. My younger brother was nearing 6 at the time. He currently has very few memories of our dad. When my parents were newly separated, he called a few times, and came down to visit two times. Unfortunately for my bro, he doesn't remember. Throughout the years, he wrote a couple of letters. My mother refused to give my brother the letters. When I left for college at seventeen, the letters came with me. By the time I offered to read the letters to my brother, he was so pissed at our dad, he wouldn't listen.

I came across the letters again in a move three years ago, and called my brother. He is now 24. He was mad at first about not having the letters, but after the explanation, he understood. It created an interest in him. He wanted to hear every memory- good and bad. Since, he's coming to forgive my dad for a lot of things he hadn't previously understood.

I guess my advice would be to write letters to his son. Make copies- send one and keep one. Let the mom do as she wants w/ her copies. Whether she gives them to him or not is up to her. But someday he's gonna want to know. He's going to come looking. At least this can help him make sense of the situation when he's older adnd can process it with a deeper understanding. Good luck. Never underestimate the power of a birth bond- or the power of healing.

A.,

I think you should seek legal action. Your husband has rights to see his child. But, most importantly, maybe he should have a blood test done, court order (subpeona). I just think that the mother is creating a big ball of confusion here. The truth needs to be nipped in the bud.

I have a close friend who had to have the mother subpeona'd just to get her DNA (and child's), just to prove that he was not the biological father. I'm not saying that this is the case for your husband, but you should get the DNA checked out. Then proceed from there. Do it in steps. But take the iniative to get some type of parental rights regarding your husbands son. A mediator may be needed and lots of counselling may be needed too. The mother is wrong to be telling her son that "so and so" is his dad, when, in fact, your husband is that child's father.

That is something that you don't do when it comes to little kids, is lie to them. Never lie to a child. Lead by example.

I never allowed that to happen to my daughters. I divorced their dad, but allowed them to see him as much as possible so that they would have a relationship with him. No one should ever eliminate the other. So, I hope that you two will seriously get a lawyer, get a mediator, subpeona the mother for that paternity test/DNA test just to make sure he's the father, then get counselling. That child is going to need it. Learning who his biological father really is may be mind blowing to him. His mother needs to take responsiblity and owning up to what she has caused thus far.

Take Care A.!!!
I'm thinking of you and your situation!!!

I just wanted to add, that in some states if the father has had no contact in over a year, it is considered abandonment and his rights easily terminated. It may not even be a choice for him anymore if he hasn't been there from the start.

On the other hand, I had a baby 16 years ago. Her father stepped aside and let me do my thing. Best thing he could have done. She has meet him since and is thankful he didn't try to be part of her life. Of course, he is troubled, so each case is different.

What is the best interst of the child? If she is raising this child well, and he already has a solid father figure - then in this case it would be in the best interest of the child to let things as they are. But I would be careful to document every conversation. If you choose not to pursue joint parenting, etc... I would definitely have something done through the courts so she can't go after him for back child support or come at him later.

I would also suggest having your husband write a letter to the child expressing his concerns, fears about his choices, and his reasons for not pursing him to be given if the child ever comes looking for his biological father.

What ever you decide I wish you peace and comfort in the decision.

--I am a 24/7 single parent w/ ZERO involvement by the bio dad and it is working for us. But it's definitely not for everyone.

A.

I have been a step-parent longer than I've been married (sounds impossible, huh?). I've been involved with my hubby's now 13 year old daughter since she was 4 months old...we've been married for 11 years. Not a day goes by that I wish her mother were significantly less selfish and self-centered (a trait that his daughter has learned) and I wish that our children had a more traditional relationship with their older sister. We drive 3 hours each way every other weekend for visitation. The mother doesn't bother to meet us because it isn't required of her in the parenting plan, unless it suits her to do so. While it would be easier to not have visitation, it is better that we do.

If your husband wants a relationship with this boy, then he needs to establish paternity and pursue a court-approved parenting plan, which also implies child support. Having different parenting styles is not a valid reason to exclude the biological parent from being involved in any child's life.

Unfortunately, this is a big step and it won't be super easy, no matter where you live. Since your hubby has not been involved with this child, you may need to develop a plan with the assistance of a court-approved Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or equivalent where you are located (Washington State uses the GAL). This is a person who studies the child's behavior in multiple settings with the mother and the father (separately and/or together) then makes recommendations to the court for any implementation of a visitation schedule.

I know it sounds overwhelming. If he does not develop a relationship now, he may regret it later. Sooner or later, this boy will discover that his father is still alive and well and may have abandonment issues (a very dangerous thing for a surly teenager to have), not to mention that your husband can show this boy what kind of father he is, instead of what this woman may present him as.

Someone very close to me is going through the same type of scenario. He has a 2 year old son that he was never allowed to bond with until the last few months and now mom wants him to be a dad every other weekend, because the "daddy" she chose when hew as born is no longer around. My friend didn't persue anything early on because he thought the child would have a better life with this guy that she was engaged to at the time the child was born... thinking that he wanted to marry her and take responsbility of the child. Friend thought it was better than the baby growing up in two homes with parents who never even loved each other.
Now... here is the problem they are facing... my friend is trying very hard to be a dad, however... he never bonded with this child. The kid doesn't fit in to his household at all... he is married with two step kids and while the kids like him, he's not really a PART of the family. He's more like having someone else's kid with them all the time.
Seeing what they go through, I would say... if someone else really wants to be a dad to this child and your husband can handle letting go, then do it. Don't rip the kid between households... it sounds like there would be some struggle with transitions and such if the two parents are so different... just for the sake of saying "I am taking care of the child I created". Sometimes kids really are better off in a situation like this. I think the big thing to ask would be, "Is there really someone there who loves him and treats him like their son?" If he has a dad...not mom's boyfriend... a real daddy... then I would say love him enough to let him go and do whatever you can to let him feel the love his the family he knows.

IMHO - all children this age need continuity and stability. This little boy has a daddy in his life and has only seen his genetic father once.. I believe it would be terribly confusing and discomforting to the boy to have another father pitched to him. There is not a very delicate way that the situation could be explained to a child this age. He absolutely has a right to know his genetic father, but I believe that conversation is best had with a child that is much, much older. This little boy is not lacking fatherly love or guidance and it sounds as though even if the mother's parenting style is not cohesive with the genetic father's parenting style, the little boy is still being parented and loved.

Please ask yourselves:

for who's benefit do you and your husband want to persue a relationship with this child at this stage of his life?

what does this child stand to gain and to lose by introducing the genetic father into his life right now?

would you and your husband be satisfied with a plan to keep in touch with the mother and revisit the idea of introducing the genetic father into the child's life when he is older?

Please consider the confusion and disruption a step like this could cause in this little boys life if he is unready or unable to understand the situation..

Again, this is all just my thoughts and considerations.. It is by no means a judgement in any way.. Hope it helps!

Can I leave advice from the other end of the coin?

What the child needs is stability. He's not there for bio-dad to visit whenever he feels like it. Why doesnt' your husband (bio-dad) write down a letter to the boy, include a picture and mention the other family members, name of wife, his full name, medical history, some memories of him and this boy, etc and give it to the boy's mom. Who knows? Maybe 20 years down the road he'll track you guys down and want a relationship. Right now, however, he needs stability. If he's accepted the other man as his daddy, then so be it. The responsible thing for the mother to do is to let him know that he has "another" daddy and just leave it alone until he's ready to ask questions. And the responsible thing for the dad to do is what is best for the boy. Hard? Absolutely! Impossible? It'll feel like it. But if your hubby isn't willing or able to dedicate more than a few visits over 4 years, it'll just be harder on the boy and his family.
That's just my opinion. Wish you all the best however it turns out.

Oh my gosh YES!! I have a dear friend whose biological parents gave her up for adoption as a baby. When she hit her 30's she searched for her parents and to her astonishment they were married and have two sons. She has a family who has no idea that she exists. She was crushed of course and struggles now with the thought of contacing her brothers or not. I wonder how they would feel to know their parents kept their sister from them and how the rest of the family would know she had been shunned. She feels shunned and it is shocking that the parents could abondon her like that.

Your husbands child WILL feel abandoned when he is older, searches for he biological Dad and finds out he wanted a relationship but stepped back so as to not make waves. If your husband has even a little bit of interest pursue it with vigor! Kids deserve to know their parents. Adults don't always make the right choices here.

Good luck!
C.

The bio-father has a right to know about the childs progression, at the least.(ie-pictures, ect.) The child also has the right to have a history or portfolio of his own bio-father. If your husband would like to see the child and be in his life also, you may think about asking your other children what you should do. You might be suprised and go from there. Your children also have a say in the family. -Washington

Not to be rude or blunt But, here goes.... Why does he think its ok to see the child now and not before??
Was it because of her Or because of him??

There is no excuse for this because he is the dad!! Where is the child support and so on... Im sure that being the only parent buying diapers, clothes and so on really sucked. (Its what im gathering here)

Second of all thats pretty selfish for this mom to say "He has a man in his life that he thinks is his dad "
Do you know how tramatizing that is when you grow up to find out he really isnt your dad?

These people need to realise he isnt the dad. He is the step-father and your hubby is the birth father. They should be telling the kids this too so no confusion is going on. But it sounds to me your hubby already made a decision he doesnt want to be this childs father by not being in the childs life?

Good Luck

My husband has never known his biological father. He didn't even know his dad wasn't his bio dad until retuning from the miitary at age 22ish!

His mom apparently had issues and didn't want the bio dad involved at all either so after repeated refusals, he gave up.

The good and the bad as I, the wife, see it....

He has a dad and didn't have any kind of "void" or concern about being left by his bio dad. BUT he had noticed that his dad seemed more close to his younger brother and it always bothered him and then when he found out about bio dad, he wondered if that was why...not being his dad's bio kid. They still have a good relationship though.

He hasn't even seen a photo of his bio dad and we wonder about his traits and medical history as well as our children's as one of them has had medical issues. One of our children is red-headed and no one else in our family is....bio grandfather? So curiosity. But also the health history is a bigger deal to me than my husband. It would be nice to know.

My husband doesn't want any rift or akwardness with his dad so he hasn't brought up any of these questions with his mom. He also wonders if his bio dad would have problems with his potential current family if Taj made himself known. So, much to my disappointment,it has never been pursued.

Ulitmately, I think having the child aware that there is a bio father and the option of knowing about him would be best. A four year old can probably grasp that he has a dad that helped make him and a dad that raises him. If his mom is resistant, I would indeed do something legal so that there aren't any harmful secrets revealed later. Honesty really is best.

I really would be intersted in hearing about what you decide. Good luck!

I hate to be rude, but once you have a child with someone they are in your life forever.
I was lucky to have a dad that really cared about me, my step brother and sister on the other hand have had a very hard time with their father. He just let go and let my dad raise them, they now have very low self esteem, There is nothing worse than watching a child grow up feeling that a parent didn't love them. If your husband loves his child, and he must if he is the man you say he is, then he wants to pursue his child. I can tell you from experience that a step father is never the same as your own. There will always be a void in that childs life if he is abandonded.
My family growing up sounds very much like your family now, we are very mixed, but very close. I think it is very important for this little boy to know his sibblings. Your husband should fight to see his child more. I know it wasn't my fault now, but I always felt bad about not getting enough time with my father.
My parents also had different parenting styles to the extreme, and I think it has helped me be a better parent to my kids. Your husband should let that woman know that he is the childs father and if she didn't want to deal with it she shouldn't have made a baby. I'm sorry if I sound rude really I am, but this is a subject very close to my heart. It is your child, you fight for your child and you never let him go. Your husband is missing all of himself that is in that little boy if he lets him go. As a parent you know there are special moments you have that you never get back, and you need as many of them as you can get. There is NOTHING greater than your children, and most importantly they need to know that.
I really hope everything works out well for your family and you and your husband and his little boy. Good luck with your heart renching decisions. :)

If he has a father figure who loves him, it is probably best to not interfere with that relationship and confuse the child. A relationship matters a whole lot more than blood.

I truly believe that unless a parent is a danger to a child, the child deserves to know where he comes from. Your husband (and his son) need to be given the opportunity for a relationship. The fact that this mother has told the child that another man is the father makes her completely wrong. I agree that she probably found a "broken man" and is using him and his child for her own greedy purpose. She is depriving her son of something he needs very much. (Not to mention the opportunity to get to know all those siblings he has!!)
I say definitely pursue. This could prove to be a long, hard battle, but is certainly worth it in the long run. ~ Trust me. I have been a similar situation. Be prepared fort he worst, but then look forward to all the great things to come

Pretend YOU'RE the child. What would YOU want? What would be best for you? Right now, as well as later? These are questions your hubby and you should both be honestly asking.

If you decide you want this son in your lives, this boy will obviously be surrounded by family, many interested brothers and sisters he might just like knowing and having a relationship with too.

If I found out my dad didn't care to pursue a relationship with me, I might be crushed but may handle it well, or not. I know that losing out on a relationship with a father, a step-mom, and all my siblings would definitely affect me in some manner, I'm almost positive. *Just being honest, which is what you two both need to do* If you were him, what would you want/need? Would you hope that you were worth the trouble?

I agree completely with Marda. Get counseling. To speak of the rights of either parent without considering the real and present security of the child is unwise and probably unloving. There may be abandonment issues at some point. That does not necessarily make it right to create a furor in this child's life now. Love might require restraint, no matter the cost to the adults.

Please do go for some serious counseling as you work toward a decision. There are too many important variables to just charge ahead, or back away, without careful consideration.

So this child has an intact home and the question is whether or not to rip it up? I would offer to let "daddy" adopt the child. If they are not willing to do that then they are not really serious about "raising him my way". The point here is to keep as many children's families intact as possible.
-S.

Ask the child what he wants. You might be able to introduce your husband as a friend of the mom and see if the boy likes him and wants to hang out with him. It really doesn't matter what the mom or your husband wants when the boy is old enough to say what he wants. That's what matters.

A. To get to the point do you have $20,000 to spend? That will get you maybe, maybe a time of visitation. Is your husbands name on the birth certificate? Paternaty test done? Has he paid payed child support? Is the child in a poor situation? Is the mother of extremely low reputation that is completely proveable? These are just a few things that will need to be settled before you proceed with steps for custody suit.

To give my back ground. I'm a Grandmother raising 3 Grandchildren. We have gone thru 4 years of custody battles, bunches of money, leaving no retirement, and two of the parents were my own children. For us after having my sons two daughters for 10 yrs, and my daughters son since he was born, yes it was worth it. We had parenting time trackable from two separate custody hearings years before and the parents situations hadn't changed in all that time. Except they now WANTED the kids.

For you, I believe that praying for that sweet child is the best as well as wisdom for you. I know that won't feel good enough, but God can care for that child. What if your husband had just never known about this child? The child would still be his bio-baby, Is changing his childs situtation going to be the best for the child (the court will want to prove this) or is it because your husband wants the connection. Would it be possible to stay connected as an Uncle? What is best for the child is the most important focus of the court and that is hard to deal with I know. Personally that was the hardest thing I had to deal with and finally I just put it in the hands of God and let Him work out the details. Thru the years and the court hearings, listening to the other side bash us, we never even had to testify the Judge awarded them to us. The findings were that they needed to stay with us as it was in the best interest of the children. Has that separated all the parents from the children? No infact it has brought the girls closer to my son.

I know that you will need to find a place of peace concerning the child and allow what's best for him to become your focus. I also know that turning loose and letting God do what's best, is also a difficult decision but God see's the bigger picture of this child's life. Trust in God to bring you to a place of peace while deciding what your next step will or can be. Life has a way of changing things hang in there.

Please hear my heart! My prayers are with you!
C.