How to Say No?

A.,

They have to hit rock bottom before they will WANT to do better on their own. There is a great program, Bridges Out Of Poverty that will help them. You can call them or they have classes that will be starting in the fall at Ivy Tech Community College.

Sue

I hope this helps!

Hello A.!

I know it can be difficult to want to remain a supportive and loving sibling without getting caught up in the guilt. I have had a similar situation with my brother and his family. For me, it came down to choices. I truly believe that people make their own choices. Some learn from the bad or ill choices they have made and others do not. If your siblings are have continued to make bad decisions with your generosity, than I would say that you might need to try a different approach.

If they are complaining about a job situation or how they cannot make ends meet, offer websites, advice, etc. where they could find coupons, a new job search website or help re-write their resume. Try to offer suggestions or help that does not deal with money or inconvenience the relationship that you have with your husband or that jeopardizes what you might want for your family. Do not feel guilty for the good choices that you and your husband have made, especially now with a little girl to think about. If your siblings are not gracious with your new offers, than remember that it is their choices, not yours, that are making them feel that way.

Also, you have to ask yourself, what would they do for you given the tables were turned? Would they offer anything? I know it can be hard to think they wouldn't repay the favor and I hope you never the in the position to find out. However, when a hardship comes into your life, you really know who your true friends and family are.

I hope this has helped a little bit. I know that the guilt can be difficult, but if you can think about it and the scheme of choices and that they are responsible for their own, then I think that it will help.

Good Luck & if you need any additional advice or support, let me know.
K. O

This is a tough position to be in and one that will take courage from you to overcome. Please realize that no one can make you feel anything unless you allow them to. If I asked you now to provide me w/something that would make my life easier, chances are you would say 'no' to me b/c we don't even know each other. You wouldn't feel guilty b/c we don't know each other... my point is, you wouldn't feel guilty. What I have learned is, that, most people are okay when you tell them 'no'. The welfare of your own marriage and your own family is really more important than your brothers/sisters. I've had friends that would come to me every so often and asked me to help them out (and they would pay me back). Finally, my husband and I realized that we are doing them no favors by jumping in and bailing them out of their own predicaments. I finally told them the last time that we have decided not to help them anymore b/c it seems to be a cycle with them and that they needed to really learn to stand on their own two feet. I offered to sit down w/them (and my hubby) and go over their finances w/them and teach them h/t do budget and stick to it. Long story short, they declined our offer and for a while found somebody else to bail them out until they realized that they could do it on their own w/some adjustments. It took them abt 6 mnths, but they did it... They are struggling right now but are working to get on their feet and are not asking others to help them anymore. Anyway, it took tremendous effort and courage (all the while feeling guilty just like you) to deny them but afterwards, I felt like a burden was lifted off me and I'm glad I did it. I would do it again.

You have to draw a line some place and if they are that much older than you they should have learned by now how to handle their limited income. I am in the opposite situation I have a limited income but I am the one that is always giving. It seems my Sister's have the I WANTS, I NEEDS all of the time.I don't borrow from people but am always loaning money out. I seldom see any of it back.I always have extra money as I don't waste it on stuff I don't need. My bills are paid in full every month and if I want to eat out I do and never worry about any thing but keeping my vehicles in top running order.
My middle sister has been ill a lot this year and missed several months of work. She has two Adult children who won't help out at all.My sister's husband is 74 years old and can not work any more so is on Social Security. That doesn't go far when you are still buying your home.She has borrowed from my Mom and never pays it back, borrows from my Dad and step Mom and never pays it back.She is 47 years old and I know she can manage her money better so the last few times I told her it was time she helped herself.I told her that there are only two drivers in the house, they need to sell off the other 5 cars and apply all of that money towards the house payments.I told her to sell all the extra stuff she has in storage, that costs her nearly $100. a month to just store. I have been trying to get her to cook real meals instead of those expensive frozen meals that have no taste and are full of chemicals and preservatives.I made a list of about 20 things she could do to save money and she hasn't taken any advice at all. So I quit helping her.If they are not willing to put some effort into helping themself I won't help any more.

You have "givers." You have "takers." You have ones who appreciate others for help and others who take those efforts for granted. Looks like your siblings have not changed their ways to make life better for them. If you keep helping continually without altimadum, you risk happiness in your home for your husband and daughter. This is also undue stress for you which is not warranted.

They must change, you must give them options to find other outlets, away from you. There is a system in place and if they will not help themselves, they will always run to you to bail them out.

It is called tough love. It is called growing pains. It is finding a medium between the two and sticking too it. It is not healthy for your family relationship or you.

I say, tell them to come up with options and build a contract or don't help. I have a sister who I work with and she is 6 years older than me. Now she finds her own way. And we still get along fine.

Your number one responsibility is to your husband and daughter. They are your immediate family now. So you and your husband have to evaluate each of your actions. Whatever action you take, affects your immediate family. If you helping others out is putting a strain on your immediate family then I don't think you should do it.

I am in the same situation with my mother and family in law. They have filed bankruptcy 3 times. It is ridiculous. However, they both have newer vehicles that my husband and I, newer tv, newer computer & spend more money on cigarettes and beer than I do on food in a month. We used to help them out before our two children came. Now that we have a family of our own, we just said that we need to provide everything we can for our children and we are sorry for your situation. The funny thing is, they are no better or worse off now that we don't help them. So either they found someone else to give them money or they figured it out on their own. I am betting it is the first one, but it doesn't concern my immediate family so I don't care. We all get along just fine. They do make remarks everyone now and then about I should get a new car because even they have a newer car. I have a 2002 automobile. It's not as if I am driving a jalopy.

We have just taken the position of don't ask and they don't seem to tell us much about their financial situation anymore. We always wonder when they buy something new, but we don't ask because it isn't our business and we aren't planning on fixing any messes they get themselves into anymore.

I know this is easier said then done. Family is hard to deal with because you feel obligated to help whenever you can. However just try to keep the question of "what is best for my family" in mind when trying to make decisions.

Just tell them that with the current state of the ecconomy that you can no longer help them. You don't owe them any explanation other than that. Your immediate family (your husband and child) need to come first. And even if you had several million in the bank you are not doing them any favor by continuing to help them.

Hi A.... You should NOT feel guilty about not helping them anymore. Your priority is your family (you, your husand and your daughter). Next time they ask for help, just tell them that you are really sorry and wish you could but you just can't help them out this time or anymore. Be honest with them and tell them that you feel you are aiding them in their inability to stand on their own becuase you are always there to catch them when they fall. Which, in all honesty, you really aren't helping them by bailing them out. It's one thing to help someone the first time but when they don't learn from it, don't genuinely appreciate it or make steps to better themselves, you are just being taken advantage of and it doesn't force them to grow up/change. It sounds like you want to say no, which is good, but saying it can be really hard. Honesty is always the best policy. You cannot feel guilty for taking care of your child and husband and putting them first, they are your priority and your siblings should understand that and if they don't, that's their problem to deal with. Just be honest with your feelings and know that you are doing the right thing and focus on the fact that you are saying no for your child and husband, that should help you take a stand. Besides, with today's economy, you really should be "saving for a rainy day" becuse you never know what lies ahead and where you might need that money that you feel you threw away giving/helping them. And you might resent them for that. You could also express that you feel this is putting tension on your relationship with them (your family, etc.) and that you need to stop helping them for everyone's sake. Good luck to you! :-)

First, STOP FEELING GUILTY! One of the WORST things ANYONE can do is to be an ENABLER! This helps NO ONE! IT ONLY MAKES THE PROBLEM WORSE for the ENABLER and easier for those being enabled!

When you have helped and they have done NOTHING but continue to "expect" hand outs when they are in trouble......you're DONE with regarding to the BAILOUT (sounding familiar - has our governement REALLY helped these auto makers by bailing THEM out?)

Anyway........your "help" needs to be in the form of guiding them and directing them to other sources of help.....support groups, church ministries etc that can help them w/ employment, food, or whatever the issues are. If THEY choose not to.....that's THEIR problem & responsibility.

Tell them about part time & full time jobs your hear about or run across that they might be able to do. THAT, many times, can be WWWWWAAAAYYY more helpful - FOR EVERYONE - than a bailout. Teach them to fish.......not keep feeding them fish!

I understand how hard it is to say no. There does come a time in all of our lives when we must put our family and ourselves first. The only response that I have found to work is "I am so sorry but I really can't help this time" I ahve explained that there are family concerns at my house that I must take care of. If I have other suggestions for their problem I give them. If not I try to point them to another resource that might be able to help, a church, pastor or social service agency. It is important to take of you and yours.

Hey A.,

I am a huge Dave Ramsey fan, and he states that you shouldn't continue lending a hand to someone becuase all it does is enable them, as Deb mentioned. They are not learning from their mistakes if you keep bailing them out. He explains too that when you lend someone money it strains the relationship because then that makes you the master, them the servant, even if you don't see it that way. Your family members probably feel uncomfortable around you because they are guilty that they had to get money from you, and you probably feel uncomforatble around them because you are thinking how they owe you money, or need to change their spending habits. Anyhow, good luck with everything...maybe buy them Dave Ramsey's book!

First, listen to Deb K's advice because it is GREAT.

My original opinion is that you are all burned out from helping your siblings. That's not healthy and it must be very draining both physically, emotionally and psychologically wise.

Isn't it time that they got their act together? If their lives are getting worse for themselves, then they have to step up to the plate and solve their own problems.

When they ask for an opinion on something, ask them "What do you think is best here?" Help them to think through a situation and see the consequences of their actions. Take care of yourself FIRST.

A.,

Really, you already know the answer to your question. You definitely need to say the phrase, "I'd like to help you but I cannot at this time." No justifications, no incrimination, and most of all no guilt. Just a polite, but firm "NO."

Best wishes,
K.

My brother and sister are the exact same way. I've always helped them out with groceries and money for bills. Well, at one point after I saw them both blow money on stupid things after I'd helped them out not long before, I decided enough was enough. One of them bought a dog, and the other one took a gift certificate to Walmart and bought his daughter a bunch of toys. So, I just don't offer anymore. If they were to ask, I'd probably set up a plan on when they'd pay me back and from now on it would be a temporary loan. I don't think either of them would have the guts to ask me though. Maybe my brother, but not my sister. Sometimes you just have to stop putting yourself out there. I don't feel bad about it since I helped them out so many times, and also because I see that they buy things they don't need.

They will keep coming to you to solve their problems as long as you let them. There is no reason for you to feel guilty about taking advantage of opportunities that have resulted in you being financially better off than they are, and more over, it is not your fault that they haven't taken any steps to improve their situation. (I'm not saying times aren't tough - it's affecting everybody. BUT there are always things people can do to put themselves in a better position than they currently find themselves. And sometimes, they have to learn how to do that themselves too.)

Next time they ask for help, let them know that you understand they need help, but unfortunately, you're married now with a daughter, and that means you've had to re-evaluate where you're money's going. You need to be taking care of YOUR "immediate family" (you, your husband, and your daughter). They will be upset and will likely grump at you about it, but they aren't your kids. At some point they need to step up and be responsible for themselves and quit expecting you to bail them out of whatever crisis they're in.

For what it's worth - and good luck!

Saying no is a hard decision to make. Make sure that you follow your heart. Make a decision and stick with it. I have a similar situation. I am watching my brother and mother do the same dance. You will feel guilty no matter what decision you make, that is why you need to make sure that you are willing to stand by your decision.

Good luck. Money situations between family are the worst!