How to Address Questions About Parents Not Together?

I am a psychologist and I always advice parents to explain events such as divorce and death honestly, simply, and with as few details as possible. For example, "Sometimes moms and dads don't get along and decide that it's better if they live in separate houses. Even though mom and dad decided that it would be better if they didn't stay together, we will both always love you very much."

Well, first tell her that you and her dad love her SO MUCH.
Then I would say something like, "There are things that happen in some marriages that are private and painful. Your father and I love you and want what's best for you. What was best for you was to have us seperate so that we could be better adults and better parents. I know you may want a "why" to your questions, but those are private reasons."
Then assure her that she is NOT the only child in this situation. There are a LOT of kids that come from divorced homes. A LOT.
L.

She might be the only kids she KNOWS have separated/divorced parents, but I can guarantee you that there are kids in her class/school who don't have 2 biological parents living in one house. Let her know that most kids aren't talking about their living arrangements because, to them, it's normal. Just as her "normal" is Mom and Dad in different houses with visits in between. So telling her there are "all kinds of families" is a good start. Bio parents, adoptive parents, same sex parents, separated/never married parents, separated/divorced, parents who never lived together at all, single parents, grandparents and aunts/uncles raising kids, foster families....you name it. Tell her there isn't a single type of family that is "normal" but rather many types, all of which deserve thanks and honor for building families around love. She is lucky to have 2 parents who love her, and not just one roof but 2 roofs over her head. Not everyone has that.

I agree with the comments below, and yours, about sparing her the details of what "went wrong". I'd try to position your family as "just as normal" as everyone else's, rather than a "broken home" or something less than other living arrangements.

she's way too young for painful details. but she also deserves honesty. you can give her both.
'your dad and i realized that we are not good for each other and needed to separate' is as much information as she needs right now. just keep giving her variations on that theme.
i'm a little surprised that she's the only child of divorce in her class (although that's actually a good thing). being different isn't a bad thing. just work with her on confidence, and help her out with a few firm neutral statements to make if other kids give her a hard time.
'my parents are divorced. it happens.' 'i see both of my parents a lot and they both love me and i love them.' 'sorry but that's none of your business.'
you talk to her in a straightforward manner, with honesty, and the information edited as is appropriate for her age.
all kids need at some point to figure out how to handle being different. because it's a paradox the being different at some point and in some way is universal.
khairete
S.

Sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan. Your dad and I thought we would be together forever, but it didn't work out that way. It was hard at first, but I think we all have a pretty good life now, don't you think? One day we kind of realized that we weren't happy, and bent together was not going to make us happy.

Something along those lines ...

No, she should not be privy to the details of your separation.

You verbally mirror her emotions, ("That must be hard and sad being the only one..." etc.) and you tell her something like, 'sometimes people don't get along.' This is a loss she will have to deal with. It's also a loss that many other children deal with every day -- is the divorce rate 50% or so? It's unusual that she's the only one in her class with this situation.

The good news is that she has a good relationship with him. The best thing you can do for her is have as friendly a relationship with your ex as possible. The main thing that made my parents' separation bearable for me (and I have no memory of them ever being together), is that whenever they got together, they seemed like friends and they got along well, at least in front of me. So that felt good.

I agree with the advice to keep it simple and unless she is in a private religious school that really emphasizes staying in marriage no matter what, she's not the only one in her class in this situation, not by a long shot. I would let her know that even if she thinks she doesn't know anyone else in this situation, there are lots and lots of families like yours, plus families where kids were adopted, live with grandparents or other relatives, live with one parent, share time with two parents, have a parent serving overseas, have two moms or two dads, have a step-parent, etc. You can let her know that other kids might not talk about their complicated families because they either think it's private or don't think it's a big deal, but that really, not everyone lives with their mom and their dad and it's OK.

Good job keeping things positive and letting her have a good relationship with her dad!

I'm divorced because my ex serial cheated. We've been apart and co-parenting for about 4+ years and he always traveled before that, so I've always been the primary parent. We have 3 kids who are 9, 8, and 6. None of them have asked specifically why we are not together. Like you, I would not share that if they did. Maybe when they are much older they'll ask or figure it out, but no, that's not for kids to carry. They love their dad to pieces and he's great with them when he's around. So if they ask, I'll say we decided to get divorced. We're all much better this way...whatever.

As for how your daughter feels compared to everyone else...not to sound mean but, this is a bit falsified for drama on her part (not meaning that to sound harsh, but kids WILL emphasize stuff when they get focused on it). I'm quite sure none of the other kids are making her feel different in school in any way. I'm also shocked to hear EVERYONE else in her class/school has a happily married home-that's probably not the case and you could find examples to point out to her. In our school there are many single parents, widows, widowers, foster kids, kids being raised by grandparents..you name it. She is not in an odd situation at all, and her anxiety about it will pass. Tell her this is normal in lots of homes, and keep up the good work being positive!

My daughter was the the only 2nd grader that hadn't gone to Disney. 😊 Kids will find something to be the only one that...

I think it is great you are not burdening her with sordid details of your divorce. Girls need their father and she will be able to love him without guilt.

"Your dad and I got together because we liked each other a lot, it wasn't enough. We had you and we tried and tried. But it just didn't work out. We are happy apart from each other and now you get to have both of us but in different places."

I doubt she's the only kid in her class with separated or divorced parents.
In the 60's, even I wasn't the only one.
You tell her you and her Dad didn't get along and/or you didn't bring out the best in each other - reasons don't have to be too specific at this age.
Be sure to mention it didn't have anything to do with her - kids always think something was their fault.
There are lot's of different families.
Some kids parent(s) are deployed for long period of time, some parents are divorced or never married or widowed, others are being raised by grandparents or in foster homes.
Everybody's different - just like every one else.
She's just becoming more aware of it.
She just needs to know that different is ok - it's just different.

Mommy and Daddy didn't love each other anymore, so we got divorced. We both love you very much and always will. I find it hard to believe she is the only child of divorce in her school.

You are right, it's very good you are not telling her bad things about her dad. She need both of you, for her both parents are very important. I would find a way to let her understand both parents love her unconditionally and the reason of your separation doesn't depend on her. She feels herself like a product of her parents so it's better if she considers the separation not really as a mistake but just something that happens and nobody can predict it.
I would make her feels not different from others, show her divorce statistic or let her talk with somebody grown with separated good parents that could reassure her.
I think you are making a very good job looking for advices and I would look for some good qualified book too about it.

Be honest. You do not have to go into the gory details but always be honest with her.

If he cheated or was abusive she may not need to know that now but later on she will need to know. You may want her to have a good relationship with him but she also needs to know who he is and not fall for the same type of man.