How Do They Do It? (Well Behaved Kids)

How do they do it? Because their parents raised them that way. PERIOD. My kids act perfect in public, my wifes kids act perfect in public and millions of other kids act perfect in public because THEIR parents raised them that way.
I've always told my kids "I don't care how you act at home, but you had better be good in public or there WILL be hell to pay".
Will it work for you? I don't know. Am I a better parent than you? No. Nobody has kids that were born perfect, you have to lead by example.
It's seems simple to me, you get out what you put in.

I think part of it might be that the younger children are picking up on the obedient behavior modeled by the older children.

I think that the behavior is expected and therefore taught from birth.

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

I'm not joking. From a very young age Mennonite and Amish children know that if they step out of line, they will be swatted. There is a time for play and a time for work, a time to goof off and a time to behave. Meal time is not a time for play. It is a time to behave.

My husband's aunt is a Mennonite. I have talked a bit about this to her. Child rearing is taken very seriously. And I was surprised to find out that although it is used, corporal punishment is not doled out the way one would think and always in private.

Obedience is highly regarded and even used to compare kids.

Children in the Mennonite community are given a lot of responsibility at an early age. And from what she explained there are many stages kids look forward to as well...moving to the big kid seats in church, girls removing their braids and into a bun. From the way it was explained that obedience and compliance and expected to get these privileges.

I think it also has to do with the minimalist lifestyle. They do not have the distractions or privileges that our kids have around them.

And the other thing to remember is that Mennonites don't seek our church members or converts (they do get them, which is how our aunt became involved). Their church survives by passing down their ideals from parent to children. Obedience is simply an expected part of their religion.

Along the lines of the previous responses, I think it all has to do with expectations. Yours AND theirs.

Does that mean that you don't expect enough of your kids? I'm not saying that exactly. But what DO you expect of them? Do you expect them to have difficulty sitting still without entertainment? I bet you do. I'd be willing to bet that since an early age you provided them with something to keep them busy/entertained every time you wanted them to be still. I'd also bet that the Mennonite family hasn't. They just teach them to be still, without being entertained constantly. So your (our -- American society) kids have learned they need to be distracted/entertained to sit quietly. We need to be pacified. Even most adult waiting areas have TV's in them nowadays. We don't teach our youngest that we EXPECT them to sit and behave, even without distraction/entertainment. We teach them to EXPECT to be entertained.

I don't think it's just that Mennonite and Amish kids are hit when they misbehave (cause lots of American children are spanked and they're not always the best behaved). Anyway - it's all about expectations and consistency. Mennonite parents expect their children to behave and they know their kids can do it. That means if a child starts goofing off, they correct the behavior immediately. The parents are perfectly consistent. So the child knows exactly what to expect. Also - if all of your kid role models are behaving, you will too. They don't see tons of other kids jumping out of their seats all the time, whining, etc.

The French actually do better at this than we Americans too. French mothers expect their children to do more than we do (entertain themselves, sit quietly at dinner, etc.) and the kids live up to it. I worked in Paris for a few years and the children were amazing. Loud and unruly at times, but when their parents made it clear it was time to behave - those kids certainly could. Again, consistency and expectations.

In your example - do you truly beleive that your sons are capable of sitting through a restaurant dinner without squirming, whining, or disrupting adult conversation? If you did - you'd treat them very differently then you probably do now. (please note: I'm not judging you. My kids squirm in restaurants too. I'm just trying to explain that we don't expect our kids to really do it. We want them to, but it's a dream, not a reality like it is in Mennonite and French families)

They are that way because the parents are the parents. They make the rules and they EXPECT the children to follow them. If the children do not follow the rules set up by the parents there are consistent, swift and sometimes severe consequences for the children to deal with. And yes sometimes those consequences are corporal.

They aren't concerned with their child's "self esteem" or "hurting their tender feelings" or "getting little Susie's input". They DEMAND respect from their children as well as earn that respect. They EXPECT their children to make the correct choices and they start training them to do so from a very early age.

It does have a lot to do with strict disipline.

It can be done without the hitting, spanking whatever. The biggest thing with kids is drawing that line in the sand that can never be crossed. You will never get speak only when spoken to but you can get some very well behaved kids.

Oh my god!! No sooner I hit the post button I hear my cube neighbor explaining that a Mennonite hit a motorcyclist with their horse and buggy!! For some reason the timing is cracking me up so I felt I must share. We are speculating that was one fast horse!!

Absolute best behaved kids I've ever seen in my life were in my daughter's orphanage. Their methods were great if you want programmed, compliant, silent children who did as ordered. Of course, nearly three years later, we're still working through what that type of discipline and situation does to a child's neurological development, but dang, those kids were amazingly well behaved. My point is to be careful what you wish for...what you see on the surface doesn't necessarily reveal what is going on behind closed doors to get this behavior in public. I think it's a misperception to believe that an EXTRAORDINARILY well-behaved child is necessarily a well-parented or well-loved child.

It's simply what's expected and tolerated by the parents, it's what's taught at home. A two year old is old enough to sit through a meal, even my very active ADHD daughter was able to do that (of course I always had something to keep her hands busy, like play doh or wiki sticks.)
If you're having to work to keep a 4 and 5 year old to sit still through a meal you need to leave them home and let them know they will NOT be joining you until they are ready to behave, then follow through! In the meantime you can enjoy some alone time with your husband :)

We were at Pizza Hut one day for my nephew's birthday. There were two families with similar aged tots. One was running wild and one was not. The impression I had was the one family was calm, consistent, had planned ahead and responded to their child's behavior with necessary corrections (corrections do not need to be spankings to be effective) and the other family was just half-heartedly placating a child that was running all over and yelling. No big surprise there who had the better behaved child and why.

If my DD acts up, I take her out. She is not allowed to disrupt someone else's dinner. She is also expected at home to sit down, eat, not yell and scream, etc. We have friends with a similar-aged child and though they are both preschool aged, their child is not expected to sit at the table. When we have them over for meals (rare, but happens) their daughter is a dinner drive by and ours sits wondering what's going on. My DD is not perfect, but I can take her out to eat within reasonable limits. I also set up the expectation with her that food will take a while, here are her crayons, and we will sit til everyone is done and go home and if she acts up, something will happen (leave, not eat out again for a while, no dessert, etc.) Sitting still, be it in restaurants, church (Amish services can be very long), in a movie, etc. takes practice.

If you look down through all the answers you will find that those who know anything about the Mennonites know they are religious people with high expectations of proper behavior by their children and they know corporal punishment works effectively.

I raised my kids that way even though we aren't Amish. They behaved properly when we went out to eat, as well at home and church. They learned to respect men and women and to treat women and girls properly.

Many moms want the final dish, but refuse to follow the recipe. One of my favorite thinking jokes: A newly wed wife wanted to suprise her husband with his favorite salmon bake. She called her MIL to get the recipe. The she began to get her ingredients together. She didn't have salmon so she used canned tuna. She reasoned that they were both fish, so one should work in place of the other. Then she saw she needed slivered almonds. She looked and looked and couldn't find any almonds, slivered or not. So she used peanuts and crushed them, then added a little peanut butter to hold them together and because the recipe called for butter. She didn't have frsh garlic so she used garlic salt. No fresh celery leaves so she used celery salt. And on and on . . . When she served her husband his favorite dish he spat it out and she was in tears. She accused her MIL of hating her and not being willing to share her salmon bake recipe.

When one of my kids refused to sit still in church, we had "sit still" practice time when we got home. I put two kitchen chairs in front of the tv. The tv was turned off. I had the soft, cloth, play books we give the kids in church to stop the "wiggles". When we had sat their quietly for 15 minutes, then we got up. The next time it was 30 or so minutes. The next time it was 45 minutes. The final time it was an hour.

Many moms want the final dish, but aren't willing to follow the discilpline recipe that includes corporal punishment, restraint, responsibility, chores and doing a job right.

Good luck to you and yours.

I find my kids can sit still better/longer than many of their peers, and I think it is because I have ben taking them to church since they were quite little. When sitting in the pews they would be too embarrassed to act up, because they are surrounded by so many people who are sitting quietly, so they learned to sit. I imagine the Mennonite kids spend a lot of time in church.

I agree it's the strictness from day one. I'm sure these moms don't spend all day trying to entertain their kids. They are busy farming, milking cows, preparing all meals from scratch etc. And as soon as these children are physically able, they are doing the same.
We don't live alifestyle anything close to what they do, so it's far fetched to think a lot children could behave that way so small. Do I think it's better for kids to not be played with and goofed around with for a big part of the day? Not really. But it would be nice to find that happy medium LOL

Our society does not seem to expect the same behaviors that are expected in the Mennonite society. Not for our children and not for ourselves. As adults we expect to be entertained constantly and to live complex, busy lives. Our expectations fuel us to remain busy and entertained, often not making the choice to slow down, do less, and appreciate what is directly in front of us. We could learn a lot from Mennonite ways.

Having said that, the society I choose to live in celebrates differences, adores children and is working to cope with our personal excesses. It means more distruptions and headaches/heartaches, but I love the freedom.

So, I think it may help to have high expectations for your children and for yourselves. You might choose to take them to restaurants that are less noisy, less exciting and more conducive to calm. Try to avoid checking your phones and concentrate on conversation with the family. Live in the moment. All my best.

They probably don't eat processed foods exclusively, and I don't think they get vaccinated like they live in a 3rd world country (some do vaccinate but I don't think they do it in huge numbers). Their children spend vast amounts of time with their own families being "socialized" the way children have for thousands of years, vs. in child care facilities. They don't get alot of electronic "buzz" either.

Neurological wellnes goes a long way.

JMO.

I don't know much about Mennonites, but I assume that it's a cultural norm. Cultural messages are learned early on in life, and certain communities that emphasize collectivism rather than individualism, tend to have more well-behaved children. The American emphasis on individualism comes at a price. Our kids become more independent than those of some other cultures, it's true, but families and extended families are not as cohesive.

Unless you have some kind of large, extended community, it is really difficult to fight cultural norms. Every pro has a con, and every con has a pro. Your kids will probably grow up more independent than most of the Mennonite kids, but they will not be as community-minded. It's the price Americans pay for our worship of individualism. Sure you can discipline your kids, etc., as everyone else is saying, but you can only fight the wider cultural messages to a limited degree.

I think S.B.'s answer makes my point. Do you see how the collectivist ideal works here? Are you going to make your daughters put their hair in a bun at a specific age? No, because you emphasize individualism. And because of that, your kids would fight you tooth and nail if you insisted on putting their hair in a bun, while the Mennonite kids will willingly do it.

This isn't a right or wrong thing, it's just different cultures.

100 flowers to Victoria for her reply!

I totally agree it is largely due to the fact that we have conditioned our kids to always need to be entertained. I know many of you will say, "No, not in my home," but really, compared to children in traditional societies, ANY kid in our society has a ton of distractions and entertainment options.

Because they live in a cohesive culture where everyone follows the exact same set of rules and if you get out of line you will be physically punished. They also live very simply where there is a structured day. They are expected to work at a young age and simple family time is valued. Children do not have video games or t.v. While I do not support corporal punishment, I do think a simpler, natural way of child rearing will help raise calm, confident children. I am not sure what kind of restaurants you guys go to but assuming there are some activities (drawing, ect) for the kids and it is not fine dining, a 4 or 5 year old should be able to sit nicely at a table and eat his or her dinner without lots of work on behalf of the parent. The Amish and Mennonite also do not yell or repeat themselves. The words they say having meaning and the children are expected to comply or they will be punished. I think this can be achieved a great deal of the time in our culture assuming the parents follow through and have realistic expectations.

I never wanted "perfectly behaved children". What you lose in the process is their individuality. It's right to expect respect from them, and that they will be well behaved most of the time, but only corporeal punishment makes them into robots that behave out of fear. People often thought we had those kinds of kids, the ones that behaved perfectly when we went out to eat. What they didn't see was that we never expected more than they could handle. We never expected them to be perfect, and if they misbehaved, we left, we didn't sit there and try to make them behave according to some set of arbitrary standards to suit our desire to eat out. We understood child development and what they could do and how they would act at certain ages, and we encouraged good behavior. The consequence of acting up in a restaurant was that we left, not to punish them for something they couldn't control. The consequence was that they learned to sit and have conversations over dinner at home until they were mature enough to sit in a restaurant and do the same.
At 4 and 5 we took them to buffets, so that they COULD get up and walk around a bit without disturbing anyone. But at the first sign they wanted to run around, they were brought back to their seats (one of us was always with them, they didn't get up by themselves). It was explained to them what was expected, and if they could not comply, we left immediately. It only took leaving like that a time or two before our kids learned not to act out in a restaurant, as they loved gong and didn't want to leave. No endless threats about leaving, I picked them up and walked out the door while my dh paid the bill. I did this in grocery stores too, often leaving a cart in the middle of the isle. The key is to explain the consequence once and then follow through. Parents that keep "warning" kids about consequences end up with kids that don't listen b/c they are confused about the rules.

I think that corporal punishment likely fuels a lot of that 'motivation' to sit quietly without anything to do... from what I have studied/read about child brain development, this isn't necessarily typical behavior at such a young age.

(Not that I'm saying 'let your kids run amok', either)...

Some practical things I've found which work for us (Because I'm not a big fan of corporal punishment):
We have taught our son that going out for meals is a treat, not a right. So when he's misbehaved in the past, we've given one warning, and then we either go take a time out in the car OR take the food home and leave. It's a very effective teaching method, leaving immediately.

We discuss expectations before going into the eatery/establishment, just as we do for all our outings. Our child is five and needs some predictability... thus, telling him exactly what's going to happen helps everyone involved.

I personally see no serious need to make kids just 'sit and listen'. As a preschool teacher, I try to avoid too-long chunks of this, because the kids do get bored and then try to entertain themselves, often in less-desirable ways. Usually, by providing a workbook or paper and crayons, this is a nice balance: we offer something to do which is appropriate to where we are and include him in our conversations, when reasonable. We don't offer things which seem unsuitable to dining out together (iPhones, cars, video games, etc.)

We might also go for a walk/to the park before going to a restaurant so a little someone can get some of that great kid-energy out of his body before we go in. It's a nice family weekend tradition because really, the park is something for kiddo while the restaurant is something for us.

I do not think that, at age 5, there's much moral development to be gained by being able to sit quietly and not utter a peep. I was one of those kids (seen but not heard in public) growing up and deeply feared my parents. In reality, WHO wants to go be among other people without the ability to talk or participate in any way? Why do we have these cockamamie double standards for kids and adults anyway? We certainly don't let him dominate or interrupt the conversations and we don't have a rough time with this. Ultimately, when my son is older, I want him to feel that I was a good guide and helper (and that includes discipline) for him to learn how to be in the world. In my opinion, teaching him how to participate in conversations, how to politely tell a server what he wants, and how to converse with adults is a good thing.

I can't speak for how Mennonite families do it, but we started from day one with our daughter that good behavior was expected. She started going to church with us at 5 weeks of age. We didn't constantly try to distract her with "shiny things" to get her to sit still when she was growing up. She might have had a book or quiet toy once in a while, but for the most part, we expected her to sit and pay attention to what was going on. We're now in a non-denominational Christian church and our service runs about 2 hours. She's outgrown children's Sunday school so she sits with us the whole time. Not once has she complained or gotten antsy.

Having said that, her personality is much like my husband's which is even keeled, happy and compliant. I don't pretend to fool myself into thinking that her good behavior is 100% our doing. We also make sure that she eats a fairly balanced diet with lots of fruits & veggies and we keep processed food and artificial colors and flavors to a bare minimum. She gets plenty of sleep also. I feel these all contribute to her rarely if ever having a melt-down. Honestly, I can count on one hand the times that she did have a melt-down of any kind and that was during her toddler years when she was sleep deprived.

We have 11 children, from college age to infant. They are not all perfectly behaved, but certainly much better than average. Our method has been to treat the children with respect, patience, and kindness, but also set clear limits with tangible consequences. We teach the boys from the very beginning to treat girls with respect and never hit them. We teach all of the children to say "yes/no sir" and "yes/no ma'am" when addressing adults. There is no quick fix. It is a continuous and never-ending rearing process, but the results are worth the effort.

I dont think corporal punishment is the key to well behaved Mennonite children, they begin teaching self discipline at an early age, gradually expecting more and more, because older siblings, aunts and grandparents are helping, the children are closely supervised. As others have mentioned they have only good role models around them, and yes they see if an exceptionally bad behavior warrants physical discipline. But expectations are always very high and again they learn from older siblings and cousins that they do not want to disappoint their parents. I remember my neighbors being spanked, grounded, and mouths washed out with soap for being disrespectful, not often, very rarely, but I knew it was possible. That culture of physical consequences was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow!

They teach this type of behavior from the time the kids are babies. It isn't done with a lot of harsh punishment. It's done simply by not accepting any other behavior. Children respond to being taken out of a restaurant (or other public place) and talked to about their behavior. It also may involve knowing each child's individual 'key' well enough to know what to deny them or what to reward them with to get appropriate behavior.
This isn't something that only Mennonite parents can accomplish, but I think it's something that is more expected in their communities.
I've posted on here before that we take our grandchildren and home childcare children out all the time and get compliments on their behavior, so I know anyone can do this if they just try and have patience in training the children. Just because your kids are older and not behaving as you would like, doesn't mean all is lost either. I would sit them down prior to going out, and let them know that things are changing. Be sure both parents are in agreement, then let the kids know the expected behavior and what the consequences will be. My suggestion for consequences is that one parent takes the child outside for a talk the first time. If, after returning to their seat, that child doesn't comply with the rules, then they are taken out again, but will not be allowed to return. (A missed meal will often do wonders for behavior!). Notice that this may also hurt the parent, but that's often what parenting is about. We hurt sometimes so that our kids can benefit.

The wrath of their father... my sister's kids do that, my BIL has no problem hitting his kids, they do obey authority. They are not Mennonites, they are actually Baptist. They believe in spare the rod, spoil the child. Now, my kids are pretty well behave, but they do act up now and then, I feel I allow them to be kids. My nieces and nephew seem more like robots than children, and I think it's sad, my opinion.