Advice for Siblings Misbehaving in Public

Adrian,

Frontload (tell them exactly what you expect before you leave the house) your kids with something that sounds like this; we are going to the store and the two of you need stay with me in the same aisle where I can see you. I cannot let you run because it is not safe or respectful in this public place (articulating your "because" or reasoning is important to help your children understand the values of their family). Tell them you are so sorry for not addressing this problem earlier and letting it become a habit and you know that habits are hard to break, but that this is not negotiable (safety and regard for others is NEVER negotiable).

Follow-up by telling them that you will give them a reminder and then if they do not have self-control you will go home immediately (I realize this may be exactly what they want, but read on - this is not the consequence). If you go home, they can run around and play, but they will not be able to go on park visits, playdates, etc., until they can exhibit self-control in the presence of others. To make that consequence more immediate, stage what I call a "magic phone call" - a fictitious invitation to the park to which your respond, "I am so sorry, we would love to go, but the girls are having trouble following directions. We are working on those skills, so please call us another day when we might be able to go."

Good luck.

Hi A.:
I don't know,who started the (trend) Where Mothers must take their children with them,when ever they go shopping or have to run errands, But I'm quite sure it had to of been a (Man) How many times,have you been at the mall,and seen mothers with three or four toddlers,a baby in a stroller,clutching a diaper bag and a purse,and trying to fit them all into a dressing room,with a armfull of dresses? It upsets me at times.I think to myself..How does she do it? Why does she do it? Doesn't she have a husband? He's probably sitting on his butt watching the game and guzzling beers right now! I realize there are going to be times,that we have no other alternative,but lets get real here.It's not worth all the frustration,and hassle to me.When I go shopping,or need to go find me something to wear for a special event,I can't accomplish anything,when most of the time is spent keeping tabs on my kids,correcting behavior,changing diapers or settling down a tired baby.I'd assume stay home.If you have no other options, There's no question,that you need to set guidelines for your children. I'd never use the:"Your the (BIG SISTER) so" ....I come from a family of 7 siblings,and believe me, putting the pressure on her,to try and make her sister behave, will eventually cause her to become resentful.She will resent you, for expecting so much from her,and she'll eventually want to distance herself from sis,because you've made her an added (burden).Limit the times you take them out to eat.Children get bored quickly,and they haven't the patience we adults do.It's expecting to much from them,at such a young age.Try this...Take one out with you,and see how they do,by their self.Then the other. Take the time to observe,and teach each one what you expect while out. Then put them together.When you go shopping,give them something to do. The reason they run and make mischief,is because they are (BORED) Before you go,give them both a list of what they will get. If they have a favorite,write it on the list.Have them walk with you,but they each get to pick up their item on their list and put it in the basket.Let them bag the fruit,or veggies.Keep them busy. Let the oldest help you empty the basket at the counter. I realize,that you want both girls included on your trips,but sometimes,its good to take turns,and have some alone time with mom.See if dad can handle one for an hour,while you take the other.If he keeps the one busy having fun,there should be no problem.I hope this helps a little I wish you the best.J. M.

A. ~ this is a situation that I too faced with my girls at that age. What my mother did with 5 kids and what I did with 2 is simple. You tell your girls before you leave the house that they are to behave and they are to be respectful, if they cannot behave in public, they will have to leave. The key is you must be repared to leave, even if you just received yor dinner. if they start acting up, you ask for the check, you put the food in boxes and you leave. If you are shopping, you leave your stuff, and get your children and you go home. Then, when they want to do something, you say no. You cannot behave in public and thus you need to stay home. It works. We were the best behaved 5 children and people always told my parents. The same hold true for my girls. When they were in public, they were good. I had to leave a restaurant one time and when I did some older ladies commented on what a responsible mother I was being by not allowing my child to run amuk. The best part was that from that point forward, my children knew I meant business and they were great in public. Good luck. You are not alone. I d find it commendable that you are seeking advise for this behavior instead of just allowing it or even worse, ignoring it.

A.,

I LOVE WHAT CAROLYN WROTE!!

That is basically the age difference between my sister and me, and my Mom never made an idle threat...follow through is key! It's tough but you have to start NOW so that you aren't dealing with teens who fight all the time, and eventually the 3 year old will fight back and it won't be pretty.

I agree, sit down explain to both of them and don't put it just on one or the other, it will only breed resentment for the other. Make them be a team, talk to them about how sisters take care of each other and work together. When you go to the store put them in charge of something, like the list and have them work together to help you get the grocery's. Make it a game, and make it fun...give them rewards for good behavior and take things away for bad behavior.

My Mom was always giving my sister and I chores around the house to do together and we were both accountable, not one or the other. Today, we are SUPER close even though we don't ALWAYS see eye to eye on everything.

I would suggest doing a few outtings that are not 100% necessary like a trip to store (not when you have to get everything) or to a restaurant and then when they start acting up you ask them to stop if they don't right away you pick up and leave there will be tears but as soon as they figure out you are serious with the threat of leaving they will stop the bad behavior. Also each time you are getting ready to go somewhere make sure you are very clear on what is expected and not allowed and what will happen if they don't do it (like we will leave or you won't watch TV tonight) Also, bribary works like ifyou behave while I shop I will let you pick a special cereal or a treat what ever you think is fair. You have to be persistant. Good luck!!

Can you get them to help you out in the store? My daughter loves to get things off the shelves, carry things, help me load up at the checkout stand. If I didn't have her helping me, she would be all over the place!

As far as the restaurants, don't take them till they are older. Or take them after they get some physical activity, like after a trip to the park or long walk.
Cook at home or get take-out. It's disruptive and unfair to other patrons who are paying for their meal.
When we go out usually my husband and I have to get up one time each to take our daughter for a little stroll, go to the bathroom, etc - it is so hard for young ones to sit still sometimes. If she is loud, crying, or really antsy, we have our food packed up and leave.

Hi A.-

I think you got good advise and also love what Calolyn wrote. The idea of the "Magic Phonecall" is genious!

My kids are also 3 years apart and I do believe the follow-through is the key. We talk before the event about acceptible behavior in public and then if they don't act correctly, we leave right there. I remember going to some Disney in Ice show with friend's and then going out for ice cream after. My kids and ALL of the kids were out of control, being unsafe, and not listening. So we left. The kids were upset that we left and we were the only ones that I left. I calmly explained that I was upset also because I wanted to spend time with my friend's as well, but they were acting in a unsafe way and that was not OK. I also explained that they are my kids and even though the other kids were acting in the same way, that we are the parents of our kids, they know our rules, and we had to get them out of that unsafe situation. After that ice cream situation they were pretty good from then on!

Good Luck!!

Before going ANYWHERE in public with them, I would let them know that if they misbehave, you will leave immediately without buying anything. I would let them know that you will no longer go out to eat with them until they can behave and follow your rules. If they continue to misbehave in public, do not bring them anywhere and do all the errands on your own.

You got some good advice from Laurie, Carolyn, Julie, et al. The key is that you have to nip this in the bud, or you'll always be plagued by it as the kids get older, and all of society will not want to be around your family, nor should they have to. That is the hard fact. You have to interupt that behavior immediately, and take them out of there, so they know there is no backsliding or getting around it. The consequence can be as soon as you leave, or, and I suggest this because it is even more effective if you are able to truly follow through with it - let them know they will be punished AGAIN when they get home. The punishment can be whatever works for you, but for a 3 and 6 year old, a spanking can and should be the ultimate.

You don't mention if there are any penalties for her behavior. Your response needs to be instant and clear. Remove her from the area. This will be an inconvenience to you but if you don't teach her consequences now she will run your life forever. Teach her to be an adult.

There is only one way to stop this. When they misbehave in public, you must take them by the hand and leave wherever you are (grocery store, mall, restaurant, etc.) and let them know exactly why you are leaving. You can either sit in the car until they promise to behave. If they do, great, if they don't behave, then you must take more consequence measures at home (no favorite toy, no tv, etc.).
If you don't nip this in the bud ASAP, it will only get worse. It won't take very long before they know they must behave or they will face consequences. Good luck.

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Mazlish. It will give you a whole new perspective on what's going on, and lots of answers on how to deal with it everyday, not just in public.

Her other book "How to Talk to Kids will Listen" is also a must read.

Lots of Love,
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

I have this problem with my two children. When we go out now, I tell them in advance exactly what I expect from them. I also let them know that if they do not behave accordingly, we will leave, or (if it's not possible to leave -- like a Dr appointment, or I have an appointment, that they will lose a certain privelige like computer, TV, play date, etc.).
My husband and I even had to take them to file our taxes, and they each had a toy. They were great!
Before, my children misbehaved at restaurants by fighting, and climbing under the tables. We got a sitter for them for 6 months every time my husband and I went out. It worked. Now we just remind them we will take them to Grandma's house and not get to eat out with us, and they are angels.
THere have been times I ahve taken my kids out of the store for fighting. I take them home, and when dad gets home, I go by myself. (It is really improving thier behavior.

What worked with my kids was starting something called the "best behavior button". They pick a silly place on their body (bottom of the foot is where theirs are located) and press the button as soon as we got out of the car. Every time they started acting up I would just remind them to hit the button again and then they would settle down. Another suggestion is to play "the quiet game", to see who can stay quiet the longest. The girls are 7 and 9 now but we still hit the button every now and then and the quiet game is a LIFESAVER in the car ;) I don't have the luxury of getting a babysitter when I have to do errands or whatnot so I made do with the situation. Kids have to learn how to behave in public and if you do things like this I have found that it is easier because then they think it's their idea to be calm ;)

~V

Hi Andriane, I would sit your six year old down and talk to her about how she's the big sister and needs to set a good example for her little sister, and look out for her, and I would tell her that if they can't behave in public then the next time mom goes uut they will have to stay with a baby sitter, or youcan handle it the old fashion way and take a trip to the bathroom if you know what I mean. J. L.

When my kids act like that, I just stop taking them out. I go ruun errands or go out when they're at school or I get a babysitter or trade babysitting with another mom. And when they ask to go out to eat I tell them I can't take them to a restaurant because they don't know how to behave themselves. It hasn't worked all the time but enough that I don't quite as many problems with them and have been able to take them out occassionally.

You have gotten some very good ideas. I always left when my boys misbehaved (they were 33 months apart). I have a couple of ideas that might shock your girls into better public behavior, but you must do it in public, speak in a clear voice, and then leave. If they hit each other, they must immediately put on mittens (whatever the weather) and be told that they must not touch each other or take off the mittens, since they cannot keep hitting each other they must have a reminder in public so that all the world can see. If they run around and won't behave, bring out either a harness and leash for each of them (children's not dog's) or the wrist type leash, and say that since they are acting like animals, puppies, etc, they must be put on a leash to control there movements. If you do this once or twice in public, I think they will get the message. Always leave the store, etc, IMMEDIATELY and go home. Tell them every time they do not act like civilized people, they will be reprimanded in public and then you will leave. Tell them it makes no difference where you go, even if it is Disneyland. The six year should respond very quickly. I think if you stick to your guns they will get the message. May I also suggest a nanny cam in your home to focus on the girls' in home play area so that you can get an idea of who is doing the instigating? Once you get the guilty party on tape there is no denying what she has done. Sometimes parents have to be sneaky in order to show the kids what they are doing. Also make sure your girls get plenty of physical exercise. If worked for tiring out my boys and took the edge off their aggressiveness.

I sympathize with you and I do agree with some of the previous comments.
One thing I have noticed being in child care is that I would make sure first that your expectations are realistic and then be prepared.
Time out for kids is one minute per year because that is how long they can sit before they lose focus on why they are sitting there. That means they should be able to sit quietly for about that long, then you need to plan something else.
Kids are not required to behave nicely most of the time. Think of a tv show. The picture changes every 3 to 4 SECONDS, if it doesn't people get bored and change the channel. They are used to being entertained by others and not entertaining themselves.

The best plans for me are positive reinforcement instead of negative consequences.
I run errands at a usual time so I used to "practice" behaving nicely at that time everyday, errands or not. We get in a habit of quiet, electronics free time. When I have to run to the store or eat out we simply adapt it to the road. Telling goofy stories, playing "find it" games or reading to each other.
I always bring along things to keep them behaved in a restaurant-coloring books, reading books, homework, a game to play, etc.
That way behaving is not a power struggle. It becomes a habit to be able to sit without fighting or being bored.

I also do traditional "family dinners" on Sunday nights. Even if we are having mac and cheese we pull out the china and good silverware. They have to sit there and carry on a conversation and use good manners. Let them know the same is needed for a restaurant. At least then I know they can.
Good Luck

Maybe you can tell the older one that if she starts something again, then she will not be able to go out to dinner with you anymore. Hire a babysitter and leave her at home. I have heard you only have to do this once or twice and they start behaving. I haven't tried it, though! Or maybe a reward if they behave at the end of the outing. I fell your pain - I do everything I can to avoid grocery shopping with both of my kids.

my kids are grown now, but when they were little, any time i took them somewhere, i told them what my expectations were for their behavior......" i expect you to behave yourselves, or you will not come with me again.."....and stick to that.....if they misbehave, leave them at home or with a friend the next time.....if they behave well, LET THEM KNOW HOW PROUD YOU ARE OF THEM!!!!......you don't have to give them material rewards, just knowing that they are making you proud is enough......let me tell you, all three of my kids were left at home at one point or another.....but only once!!!!!...good luck.......