Homewrecker Wants to Be a Part of My Daughters Life.

I think it's time you looked at some real, hard facts. First of all Mary is not the home wreaker your husband is--he was married and decided he needed a side dish. She was available so he went for it. You don't know what kind of promises he made to her in the beginning. I promise I will get a divorce and marry you and we will raise my daughter together. My wife is ..... Then reality hit him she's unstable, a stalker, abusive and controlling. Ooops, maybe if I ask wifey for forgivness she will forgive and forget and everything will get back to normal and Mary will move on to someone else. You are still referring him as your husband are you still married to him? Separated or divorced?
If you are divorced and he has court ordered visitation there is nothing you can do to stop Mary from spending time with your daughter. If she really is his girlfriend he has the right to spend time with her.
Unless you have documentation of her stalking or other unstable behaviors and can get a restraining order if he wants to have her in his home when his daughter is there, he can.
I don't think she will be all that nice to your daughter. I think she is very unstable. I also think she has many classic behaviors of an incest or molestation victim.
I would not be comfortable having her be a part of my child's life either but unless you can go to court and PROVE her unfit to spend time with your daughter there is little you can do. Remember in court it is not what you think or even know but what you can PROVE.

Xanax is no big deal, it's an anxiety med, similar to a mild Valium. I agree it is hard to allow someone in that caused you so much pain but she is part of his life. He lied to you before and he will again...to be honest, she is going to be around your daughter. Whether he marries her or not he is probably letting her sty there full time and just not telling you.

As for the picture of you guys, you are not married anymore, a wedding picture is super super inappropriate and will cause her a lot more pain than not. It is sending her the message that mommy and daddy are a family, not separate. Maybe when she is older she can have pictures of mommy and daddy in the same picture but right now she needs to only see pictures of you guys separate, in your own picture frames, not in the pictures together.

She will build false hope and that is hurtful to her, you need to stop this now. If she is allowed to have a picture of you then send one that is of you and her or you alone.

This way she will subconsciously start accepting that you and daddy are not a family anymore.

Look at this way... he's getting his karma. He stepped out on you with a crazy person, and how he's stuck with her.

I would take whatever means necessary to ensure the safety of my child.

I think it probably won't last, honestly. Now that she has him, she might get bored & move on to the next conquest. Or he'll finally come out of his daze & have that "what in the hell did I do" epiphany & leave her.

I married a divorced father. Now I've been a stepmom for over 25 years and am now a stepgrandma. The two children were very young when I started living with their father. His family, his ex, her family, pretty much everyone hated me and judged me very harshly.

You are obviously very angry that this woman even exists, as it wasn't that many months ago you were still hoping to reconcile with Jack. Your post paints a very unflattering picture of "Mary"...but I'm quite sure that I was described this badly in my past by my husband's ex and by his family. Not everyone that takes Xanax is "unstable", for instance. Having a child kiss a wedding picture of her separated/divorced parents good-night seems really off to me. Is it impossible that a 32 year-old woman has decided not to have children? Could it be that Mary senses your desire to reconcile and unwillingness to let go and that would make a "family dinner" hard for her to swallow?

This post is more about you and your inability to let go of Jack and to share your daughter with him. He has the right to see who he decides to see. The more you push back on "Mary" possibly the more appealing she becomes. And even if that's not true, you have no say about who he spends his time with, even when your daughter is with him. Be glad that "she'll be nice to [your] daughter".

Put your energy somewhere else, specifically into being the best co-parent to your daughter that you can be. She will sense your hatred of the "other woman" which will divide her loyalties between her father and you. My stepchildren's mother attempted to get them to hate me for years. I now have a much closer relationship with them than she does.

okay- you are mad - i get it. i really do. my ex-husband couldn't keep his junk in his trunk so we separated and his chick de jour wanted time with our daughter...

I told him no. not only no but HELL NO! It's not like they were "an item"...

Just because she takes medication does not mean she's crazy. Xanax is for anxiety and panic disorders. if she has a history of violence, then you have grounds - especially if she has a history of violence against children. As of right now? You are pissed that he is with someone else. You cannot withhold his daughter from him just because you are pissed and don't like the girl he is with.

And sorry - your husband is a big boy - he made a decision to cheat. She didn't hold a gun to his head and tell him to break his marriage vows. So you can't call her a home wrecker...that is your husband's title.

Are you divorced or separated...confused on that one as you refer to him as your husband...

any way - stuff happens in life that we don't like and this is one of those things....so instead of wasting time fretting over it - cherish the time you do have with your daughter and don't talk about your husband and Mary. this is YOUR time together....you can ask her about her time with them - but don't press for things...make sure you keep the dialogue open...

GOOD LUCK!

I can see a little of both sides. My husband and I were both married previously.

I can see her side in that my husband did not want to see any of my wedding pictures lying around the house and I didnt' want to see any of his. It's not that it never happened, but it's uncomfortable for the other person to have it shoved in their face. Daily. My husband's daughter has pictures of her mother in her room at our house, but they are pictures of just her mother, or her mother and her. There aren't any wedding pictures of them, nor are there any pictures of the two of them together. It's just not necessary since they aren't together anymore. There are pictures of my husband and his daugther in his daughter's room. And at her mom's house it's the same. There aren't any wedding pictures of the two of them in her room, but she does have pictures of daddy. I think your ex should put away the wedding pictures and replace it with a photo of you, or you and your daughter. Would you like to be constantly reminded that the man you're with was once married? I think not.

I don't see why it's necessary for you to have "family" dinners with you and your ex-husband and your daugher. My husband never does that with his ex and I don't do that with mine. I would find that disrespectful toward me, and I would feel like I was disrespecting my husband if I did the same. Your marriage is over. Of course you can see each other and be there for your daugher at events. And maybe as an extended family go out. I can see why that would bother his girl friend. I think it would bother most girlfriends.

Now his girlfriend is also bordering on psycho. So I can understand your concern. She doesn't need to be around your daughter, and perhaps you can put a clause in there that states that your ex's time with his daughter is just that. Daddy-daughter time.

I think that everyone in the picture could use some counseling. Divorce and girlfriends can bring out some really interesting feelings on both sides. My outside opinion is everyone in the picture needs to be more sensitive to other's needs. Your ex needs to be more sensitive to his girl friend's feelings, and she needs to be more sensitive to everyone else's.

What does your ex say? He can't possibly want this freak of nature around his child.

I'd stand your ground. Protect your daughter from this woman who is clearly poison. Do you want HER to teach your little girl about how to properly behave in a relationship? I mean, your husband is already a crappy example of how to treat a woman...your daughter doesn't also need a crappy example of how women should treat men.

ETA: What "Mary" wants is not relevant. Clearly Jack thinks she's "not right" or he wouldn't have an issue with her being around either. I think Jack is just wanting you to say no so he doesn't have to be the bad guy when it comes to Mary. So do it. Embrace the bad guy role and protect your daughter from this nutcase.

my child support agreement states that neither parent is to have overnight guests of the opposite sex that are not related or married to the parent in the presence of the minor child.

This is a clause that the judge who handled our case automatically puts into an agreement. I loved it because of my son's father's revolving door policy with women.

Talk to your attorney - this clause can probably be extended to include anyone not related or married to the parent at any time until the child reaches "x" age.

Know that your daughter will always know who her mother is - that is a special bond that no one can take from you.

God Bless

I was where you are 8 years ago. I can remember what it felt like, like it was yesterday. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Had I been answering this question 8 years ago I would have answered it much differently. My ex left when our second son was 3 months and oldest was 5. Didn't tell me why... he just needed some time away. Well, I soon found out that he was living with his new girlfriend and her 2 girls. I was so angry and wanted him back for quite soom time, and I only realized later that he was playing both of us. Telling both of us that he wanted us, that he was so sorry. I guess my point is, you don't really know what he has been telling this woman and how he has probably been playing a lot of head games with her and you at the same time! He is the homewrecker!!! I still feel a lot of resentment twards the woman who I felt broke apart my family. But today I realize that if it weren't her, it would have been someone else. I did eventially allow the children to spend time with both of them. My situation was a little different than yours at that point. Even though I hated her I trusted her more than my ex. He was really the unstable one and I soon took him to court and the court took his rights as a parent away. So if you feel like this woman is unstable enough and can prove that it would be dangerous for your daughter to be with her, then you should do that. If it's just because you hate her because she is a homewrecker, that's not a good enough reason. I understand how painful it is and you never planned to have to share your daughter with another woman, but you are her mother and her only mother. She loves you and will alays love you. Chances are that it is only a matter of time before this woman is out of the picture. I hope this helps a little but really only time can heal. If you are not ready for her to spend time with your daughter now then give it some more time. I think I made them wait for over a year after they got together but when I think back, I thought I still wanted him back. I wish you happiness and for your heart to heal soon!

Can you find out if this woman has any history with the court such as criminal record or a personal protection orders against her? First, keep a journal of all the bad things this woman is doing. Keep track of dates, times and what she is up to. If you see her driving by your house numerous times, get your camcorder out and record it. Next, I would start with hiring a family law attorney who specializes in custody. The attorney can get pertinent information on this woman or you can hire a private investigating firm to dig up dirt. Usually, people like her have some history of their behavior. Chances are this is not the first time at age 32, that she is doing this. Where I am going with this is for you to either seek to get sole custody of your daughter or have supervised visits by your ex. You don't know what harm this nut can do to your child, so you need to protect her before anything bad happens. I would also see if you can get you and your daughter into see a family counselor. Explain to the counselor your situation, that way you have an ally in your court who can advise and support both you and your daughter. Another thing you should do is to contact the Friend of the Court and see what they advise you to do.

Unfortunately you don't have much say about what goes on during visits unless it's in your court order.

I know it sucks.

I feel for you. Your feelings are exactly what I would feel.

My first thought is: Hell. No.

Tell him it is absolutely not an option and that if he pushes it you will take him to court to insist this woman get a psych eval. before she is allowed around your daughter.

Even if I didn't worry about her being me to my kid, I would have a huge problem with her saying or doing anything that disparages me, her mother. If you haven't yet, get some paper work protecting her from this, and put it in there.

Awwwww, poor Mary. (sarcasm)

If she wants a full time family, then she should have made her own instead of trying to take someone else's.

Keep your original arrangements with Jack and let him deal with how to handle Mary's demands. Its his problem, not yours.

It wont last between them...

I am so sorry you are going through this! She sounds like a nightmare. She has absolutely no right to see your daughter. She had an affair with a married man and destroyed your daughter's family. She obviously doesn't care about her or anybody else for that matter. Sorry - this is getting me worked up because my husband had an affair as well and left me for the other woman for 6 months (we got back together though - very long story!) but if she had ever wanted to see my kids I would've been very mad and said hell no! I think the only reason she would have any right to want to see your daughter would be if they were getting married, but since that doesn't look like it's going to happen then definitely definitely Hell No! You're the Mama, and if you're not comfortable with it then stand your ground! Good luck!

Sigh, sadly even though your husband may be a shitty husband, that does not take away his right to

1) Parent your daughter
2) Have a life of his own, including a new SO.

And frankly, taking Xanax does not make a person crazy. I was on Zoloft for awhile, do you think I'm crazy too?

I am a mom of three who left my drunken abusive husband. Nonetheless, he STILL has the right to be with his kids (incredibly enough), and has the right to have a GF, which he does. Sigh.

Since there is really nothing you can do to keep her away from your daughter, unless she is dangerous, your husband has every right for the three of them to have a relationship. I'm sorry. It totally sucks. But it will only harm your daughter if the two (or three) of you cannot co-parent.

If you 'know she'll be nice to your daughter'.....

:(

Wow what some answers! As far as what amy j said absolulty do NOT send notes like that it can be considered a threat and defamation of character and "Mary" can have you arrested and sued. As far as her being a homewreaker well your husband is the homewreaker, he's the one who went out looking. She may not have even known he was married.Im not saying the situation is right, but seems like your only blaming who you want to blame. But as far as her seeng your daughter that's really up to your ex. If my husband and i separated I wouldn't care if he had a girlfriend around my kids as long as they loved them and were decent.

You need to talk to a family law attorney to get an objective opinion of what you can and cannot do legally in your situation. You didn't clarify if you are divorced already and if you have a formal custody arrangement or an informal agreement.

I suspect you won't be able to dictate who your child's father chooses to introduce her to, but you may be able to negotiate how much contact they have.

I certainly would refrain from throwing down any ultimatums and calling his girlfriend names- that can be held against you later in a custody hearing, and that could really make you look bitter and unstable.

D. -- stay cool and calm. You are your daughter's mommy, not Mary. You just continue to be a nice, pleasant, normal person, and do the right thing with the situation you are stuck with. Your daughter will never prefer another woman over you.

Meanwhile, Mary sounds like a nutcase, and that will be obvious pretty soon. So you just keep being normal, and she will show herself for what she is.

p.s. Obviously, if she seems dangerous to your child, then you have to step in. But I don't get that feeling from what you wrote. Just that she will turn your ex off pretty quickly.

It does not matter that Jack's having issues between him and Mary b/c she wants to spend time with your daughter. That's THEIR problem and doesn't have to become your's. There is really no need for this woman to be in your daughter's life right now...unless they truly do decide to marry. Right now, because of who she is, the way they got together, etc you're not comfortable with her being around your daughter...that's it. You're the mommy, you decide what's best for her, not Mary. Good luck to you! I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Well, your hubby is just as much a home wrecker as this chick is. He wasn't forced to take his clothes off with her and leave his wife. They both sound like liars and hubby needs to grow a spine...really. When something like this happened in my life (after we divorced), the girl had a very difficult time never being first. He had way too much history with us that was going to continue (holidays, school functions, family photos in her room or on the wall, daily phone calls, softball games and me remaining close to his wonderful family).

If it's this woman or the next woman, you will have to get used to being alone when your daughter is with her dad. He has acted crappy but he is still her dad and they need that relationship. He's not a murderer, you need to think of your child and support their relationship.

Is it totally over between you two? Are you interested in making that work and is it an option? Don't rule that out!!

I am sorry for the pain you are going through, it is very difficult to deal with the betrayal of an affair. But the most important person in this picture is your daughter. She needs both her parents and you need to find a way to coparent with your ex. If your ex keeps Mary in his life and if you know she'll be nice to her, you need to come to terms with the situation. Have you ever seen the TV show "Reba". Be a Reba, find your strength, you will always be her mother and as she grows up, she will have the most respect for you if you do the right thing here, even though it is so emotionally painful to you right now. The healthier you are in dealing with life's circumstances, the healthier her outlook on life will be. I know you are paying a big emotional price for it, but raise her to be a happy, healthy adult.

It sounds like the issues are more with you but you are trying to put them on her.

Your daughter's room is a sanctuary, what they heck! A wedding picture to kiss you goodnight?! My kids have pictures of their dad here, some with me, no way in heck it would be appropriate for that picture to be a wedding picture.

Sorry but my ex is nuts and you seem worse, that is not a good thing.

My ex finally started dating a couple months ago. My younger daughter said she is really nice. I am lucky to have a nice mom at both houses. It made me happy that my daughter is happy, I would imagine that comment from your daughter would put you in the nut house. Might I suggest you find some professional help.

Okay after reading some of the responses I feel I need to point out you are using your daughter to get back at your ex. The biggest take away from that should be, you are using your daughter! He isn't, you are. He is trying to live with as little drama as possible and you are trying to make him as miserable as you think he has made you. The difference is he never used his own child to do anything.

Truthfully, he sounds a bit spineless. He's obviously OK with letting the tail wag the dog (so to speak).
Mary sounds like she's emotionally about 15, not 32. He found real winner, huh?
I guess I don't know what you can do except hope to God that he rises to the occasion and puts his daughter's feelings and life before Mary's (and his).

It might serve you well to become "friends" with this woman--horrible though that sounds....kind of a "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" thing....do it for your daughter. It doesn't sound like she lives with him, but spends a lot of time with him.

I can't help but feel if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be too happy unless they were planning to marry....

This is a sucky situation and I think Jack needs to allow you to heal. So I say SCREW Mary!! Too bad if she can't have a relationship with YOUR daughter, right now. You are hurt, you were betrayed, and you have to heal. Jack has no right putting this type of pressure on you. Your daughter is not a part of the deal, he didn't consider her when her jumped into bed with another women. Your child is not a bargaining tool!!!!! And Mary has no right s here at all in my opinion. I would feel just like you do. I was divorced when my son was 19 months old. I didn't date for about a year. Once I did my son NEVER met anyone until I met my current husband and I knew we were serious and going to marry. Your child does not have to be a part of his AFFAIR. And that is just what it is. He said he isn't going to marry her, she isn't moving in so why involve your child and confuse her more, if the relationship isn't going any further. If this didn't hurt so much, and their relationship wasn't based on adultery, I am sure you wouldn't have an issue with Jack and Mary being together. You are justified for how you feel for right now. Just because Jack has moved on he has to respect that it is taking you a bit longer. I think a big issue is your betrayal and you need to work through your hurt, once you do it will not bother you as much. Try to focus on moving forward and keep telling yourself you deserve better and this is a blessing in disguise. Jack sounds like a selfish A$$!!!!

You need to step up to the plate and be the best parent you can be for your child. esp since she will never have a great Dad. Be strong and independent and show your daughter that. Get a divorce and let the court work out custody and child support. Stop having family dinners with your ex. Stop having wedding photos around. Like Gramma G said, stop giving your daughter false hope. Let your daughter know you dont need this guy in your life, he is not someone you can count on but the two of you will be fine. Stop blaming this woman for what Your Husband did! He is to blame, he stepped out on a marriage, he is the bad guy not her. STOP believing anything he says, he has lied to you before and may be lying about any and everything. Tell your ex the reason you don't want your child around Mary is that she may form an attachment to Mary and then Mary may stop being part of her life and that would be another hurtful loss for your daughter (my kids went through that when my ex divorced his second wife whom they liked) Dont say it bothers you because you blame her or dont trust her (he obviously doesnt care about your feelings) Say its all about what's best for your daughter. (it should be)
Divorce is so hard under any circumstance, its the ending of what we thought would last forever and as moms we have to comfort our children and have no one to comfort us and no one should try to go thru this without counseling to help us be the best parent we can be thru this difficult time. A counselor will also be able to help you deal with your ex and his crazy GF help you phrase your words so he'll be more likely to listen. Good luck

you need to get some cameras up around your place with one specifically capturing the street. if she's driving by she may decide to stop and do some snooping. then you've got some evidence to help keep her away from the kids. dont tell your husband about the cameras. i totally agree with tia!!

I think if you go all out, full bore legal on him, it will only make him and her dig in deeper, cost more money and get really, really ugly.

What if you did something more like: "Jack, I've been dating a few guys (even if you're not... get him thinking), and I want to talk about ground rules for introducing new people to DD. I realize it might take me a few guys before I find the right one, so what do you think makes sense? I was thinking I should wait until we were engaged, or nearly engaged, before bringing him into her life. Let's establish some rules we can both follow." Sure, you can't stand her, but in any case... you're object here is just to stop Mary from seeing your DD.

Because, let's face it... hopefully you WILL be in this position soon. He wouldn't want you doing what he's doing now.

I wouldn't say ANYTHING about Mary. When he tries to share (I can only assume he told you all this stuff about her) just politely say something like "Oh, I don't want to get into your personal business. But I'm sure it will work out with you, too." I think if you "accept" their relationship, it will take some of the interest out of her for him. I can't really think this relationship (as described here) will last.

Good luck. I'm sending you a big hug.

i would not want my children around her..i would call a lawyer.

Keep any and all documentation of this woman! She does not sound stable at all. She has absolutely no legal, or moral right for that matter, to be around your daughter. I'm confused why "Jack" wants to be with a woman that you've described. Or why he would want her around his own daughter. It gives me the creeps.

Stick to your guns. The "other woman" is not to be at Jack's home while your daughter is there. Document and write down everything, including phone calls, drive bys, etc. If it comes down to going to court over this you will have the information you will need to keep that psycho away from your daughter. It's hard enough to go through separation and divorce, let alone throwing in some other woman into the mix.

Talk to you ex. You must have some kind of "friendship" left from your marriage, at least for the sake of your child. Let him know that all you hear is negatives and list those negatives. Ask him if it were the other way around how he'd feel having a man in your home with your daughter who sounded whacky and even stalking. Why is she pressuring him so hard to see your daughter? Sounds like a control issue. Sounds like she's jealous and wants to be on the same level as you, the ex wife that shared many years with Jack including a child together... something she wishes she had and apparently will not get. Creepy.

By the way, talk to your daughter about safety issues and ask many questions. Keep your windows and doors locked. I hate to say it but it sounds like the beginning of a Lifetime Movie.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Hi D.! Does your husband not realize how unfair his girlfriend is being towards your daughter with having a fit about having a family picture in her room? Unreal of what you are enduring, and what your daughter is probably enduring while being over there. That lady seems to be the type of person who is going to manipulate the whole situation and it's not going to turn out good for either of you. I know you can't suggest this to your ex, but daggum, he needs to get rid of her pronto. I'm with you....it would make me nutso if my daughter has to be subjected to that. In fact, if you can get everything you have state here documented, proof of her meds, her actions documented, and the people that know her to document what they have witnessed, you may be able to go to family court and get restrictions put on the visitation; meaning, he can't see his daughter as long as she is around. I would construe that whole situation as an unsafe environment for your daughter, and that's what you can stress to the judge.
You can have a talk with your ex about your concerns and if he doesn't want to take measures in keeping that lady away while your daughter is visiting, and tell him why you feel the way you do, then you're not going to allow your daughter to be over while she is there, and make other arrangements for him to see his daughter somewhere else with you along side.
This is such a crazy mess and your ex created it, and he has to be the one to clean it up. Ask him what's more important to him...a crazy nutcase, or his daughter? :-)
Hope it all works out in the end for your daughter's sake.