Mother in Law and My Husband

Michelle,

My mother-in-law also has a photo in her house that includes my husband's ex. Why? Because it's photo taken at an event that included the family (her grandchildren, her children and their spouses) at the time. Because it's her house. Because she can. Because my husband's ex will always be the mother to those particular grandchildren---who are also my wonderful step-children.

Here's what ANY person who marries someone who's been married before and who has had children with someone else needs to understand:
The marriage or adult relationship may have ended, but when children are involved, there will ALWAYS be history and always some level of a relationship with the ex. She will be part of family stories, memories, and part of all future events: graduations, showers, weddings, and the arrival of new generations as a grandma.

You have to make peace with this, or you will become bitter, resentful, and drive a wedge between you and your step-daughter, and if you keep on hounding your husband about this, you may push him away also. You have to realize that he chose to be with you; you don't need to be threatened by a photo or past history!

You're looking at this the wrong way---from the point of view of your own hurt feelings (and you're also throwing in all the other things you don't like about this woman and getting yourself all riled up in the process). Get out of your feelings and use your head; look at this realistically and come to terms with this.

You need to understand that your husband's ex will always be the mother to your MIL's grandchild, your step-daughter. You giving birth to a new baby doesn't give you the right to erase history (even if that were possible), even if you don't like part of that history.

All the other stuff you don't like about the ex? Unless it is seriously life-threatening (and not just annoying or aggravating), let it go. For example, when you say it was brought to your attention that she wanted to hurt your son, what does that even mean? If she really, seriously threatened a baby, I'm thinking there would be a restraining order or at least a legitimate report filed with the police. If it's just gossip and pot-stirring, you need to just drop this now.

Instead, stop feeding drama; act transparently, sincerely, and with the best interest of your step-daughter in mind. You have a long, long way to go parenting your children, and part of that includes the ex. Get on board with that, and things will go much more smoothly. Keep stirring up unnecessary stuff, and make your lives miserable. It's your choice.

I do wish you the best with this.

J. F.

Well you seriously have no business being in her room and what she has there has nothing to do with you. You need to drop it. Your stepdaughter's mother will be in your husband's and your life until she is grown. You just need to accept it.

I am sorry you feel this way and if you continue to argue with your husband and MIL about it, you will damage the relationship you have with them even more than you already have. Get over yourself already.

For starters, it is HER house and she can hang whatever she wants on what wall she wants.

Secondly, STOP being so super sensitive. It is not all about YOU.

Lastly, Your husband/partner had a life before you and a child before you came along. You KNEW that. So the picture has his ex in it? WELL, the ex is the mother of that child and I don't know how long they were together but they were at some point and time a family. Maybe MIL had a special relationship with the ex, maybe she does not want hubby's child to feel left out with step mom in the picture. It is in her bedroom for goodness sakes.

Why on earth would you not want you son to see this picture? It is a picture of his half siblings. Good grief. I feel for your children and especially his children from before he met you. You are acting like this some horrid thing going on in your life.

Things could be worse.... It sounds like you have a pretty supportive MIL for her to open her home for YOU to live. Show some appreciation and respect to her and her house.

If you don't like the living situation, move out to your own place and hang what you want on your own walls.

Your husband divorced her not his mother. His mother has every right to keep that picture up or any other she wants in her house.

Look, your husbands "do over" marriage with you does not negate the fact that he was married and had a child.
If you were my DIL and you were living in MY house? That would be the damn day you would dictate my furnishings.
Sorry--see a therapist for your self esteem issues, put on your big girl pants and DEAL.
Your house? Your choice of photos.
Her house? Her choice.

You don't want your son growing up seeing a picture of his half sister when she was younger and her mom? That is probably one of the oddest arguments I have seen in a while.

You are insecure, figure out why your husband makes you feel insecure and work on that. Leave his mother's wall hangings out of it because that isn't the issue.

Per your what happened, if you think your son is too young to understand the relationship what excuse, oh, wait, what are you telling yourself he would think? Without understanding the different kids have different parents kids think aunts. So what is the big deal? Oh yeah, your insecurity. By they way I am being nice saying insecurity, for all I know you are a control freak that hates that your husband has a child with another woman

I am pretty sensitive and my MIL is nasty to me like something out of a movie....and I think you are wrong. This picture is not about you - it's about her grand-daughter. Try to put yourself in your step-daughter's shoes. Would you want your mother erased?

I suggest that you and your husband give your MIL some lovely photos of you, the new baby, your husband, and your step-daughter all together and hopefully, some of those will go up as well.

Good luck,
e

ETA: You MIL hates her? Oh my, let it go. Maybe she keeps the picture up for her grand-daughter, maybe she just doesn't see it anymore, maybe it reminds her how lucky she is to have you!

You say you are family sensitive and yet refuse to accept the fact that this woman is also family, and always will be by the merit of being your stepdaughter's mother. She is the mother of your husband's daughter, she will always be a part of that extended family whether you like it or not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the mother-in-law having a picture of her granddaughter with her two biological parents. You signed up for being part of a blended family and you need to accept what that means. Your husband is right to get annoyed with you when you keep bringing it up, he should be supporting of his mother and her attempt to make sure his daughter feels her mother is still a part of things.

The fact is you may not like her, but she will always be a part of your family thorough your husband's and her daughter. If you continue to hold this grudge or demand that only you be recognized by your inlaws you will in fact end up doing great harm to your step daughter.

I think you are wrong and need to get over yourself. Your hubby had a life before he met you and his daughter has a mother that is not you. I think it's good for kids of divorce to see their mom and dad interact nicely with each other and it probably brings his daughter some comfort to see that. Like her mom is not forgotten or cast aside just because you've come in to the picture. Besides, what's in his mother's bedroom is none of your business or concern. If it bothers you so much, quit looking in her room.

When you married your husband, did you not know that your husband had been married before? If it was going to be so upsetting to you that your husband was married before, then maybe you shouldn't have married him.

It is a FACT that your husband was married before. It is not a crime, and you knew it when you married him. In my opinion it is very strange that you would get upset and cry because you see a picture of your husband's past.

Your mother in law probably likes the photo. Maybe if you stop being so overly sensitive, she will put up a picture of you and your husband and baby, along with the other photo that she obviously enjoys.

You don't want your son to see the picture? Why? Your son is going to know that his father was married before, and there is nothing wrong with that. If your son asks, you say, "That's daddy's ex-wife."

In my opinion you need to stop being so sensitive. If I were your husband, I would get mad at you too. I don't understand the bottom part of your post.

ETA: Wait, the picture is in HER BEDROOM? Stay the heck out of her bedroom, it's none of your business what she does in her bedroom .

It's her house and she can hang whatever pictures she wants in it.

My MIL had a portrait done years before I entered the picture. My husband's ex is in the picture (no kids), and that pictured stayed up on her wall for at least a year or so after I met her (about 6 months into the relationship). I casually said something to my now husband, and he just said, "Oh, she's cluless. Don't take it personally." I tried not to, but it did bug me. She eventually took it down.

Fast forward 10 years. My BIL has opened a restaurant with his boyfriend (They are both great!!! Love them!) While the boyfriend was showing me all the decor, I caught a glimpse of a smaller version of the picture. I tried to react, as I am happily married with two amazing boys. But the boyfriend noticed and said, "I told him to get rid of that! We have other pictures, and that one should not be in here!" We have since gotten a new family picture that include me and the boyfriend!

My point is, I get it. It bugged me, too. Try to remember that from your MIL's point of view, it really has nothing to do with you. It's more about her granddaughter and her granddaughter's parents. The granddaughter deserves to have a picture of her with her parents, even if they are no longer together. Maybe your MIL just wants her to know that she respects where she cam from.

Your son is not going to care unless you say something. He's just not even going to notice for years. By the time he's old enough to notice, you probably won't live there anymore. And if he asks, just say, "What a great picture of your sister with her parents."

I do understand, but the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to just let it go.

The past is the past. Let it go. This isn't about you, or about you being disrespected-- but you are making it about you and making it a control issue.

Consider how fortunate you are that your in-laws have graciously taken in yourself, your husband and your children. Personally, I would find that an enormous show of kindness and be gracious in return.

You realize you are wanting to dictate what a grown woman, older than yourself, who has raised her own children obviously adequately -- you want to tell her what she can have in her own bedroom?

Girl, consider if you have some post-partum depression. You can't just pretend your husband's ex wife never existed. Your son IS going to see her at some point. He is going to be exposed to the fact that his father had a child (sister) and an ex. Children deal okay with these things if WE the adults can be adult about it. I don't want to appear to dismiss your oversensitivity due to hormones, but if I were having this sort of reaction in a situation, I'd probably think that maybe talking to someone about counseling or therapy or medication would be on my list. This isn't a typical response.

For what it's worth, my husband was previously married and his parents still have a picture of that wedding day displayed amongst other photos. While I'm not wild about it, I'm not threatened. They enjoyed that day with him, no matter what the result of their marriage, and it was important to *them* because they adore their son. They raised a good man, so even if I'm not wild about my son eventually noticing this, we have raised him with a strong sense of 'family' and I'm sure he'll ask some questions and be fine.

Lastly, I grew up in a household where the parents expected other people in the family to 'choose' -- this included custodial arrangements, adoptions, adoption reversals, etc. One thing I learned amidst all of this was that if everyone had just stepped back and let me include *everyone* at the same time as 'family', I would have been so much happier. It's such a sad, sad way to take control of something by excluding others out of fear.

I also think you are very wrong. This is his daughter's mother. It's one picture and it's in your MIL's bedroom. If she takes it down, the daughter will think it never meant anything and her mother is no longer welcome in that house etc. And if you're living in her house, consider yourself lucky and keep your mouth shut. Why are you living there?? You're adults! Anyway, maybe you are hormonal but let this go. You are a family but the ex is your husband's daughter's MOTHER. I think it's great the grandmother obviously harbors no bad feelings towards the ex. It is way better for the daughter that way.

I married a man with children, and I knew from the get-go that another mother was in my life whether I liked her or not. I also knew I would get nowhere if I acted all jealous or bent out of shape about her. I don't have to like her but I do have to accept and acknowledge her, for the benefit of my stepchildren.

You really cannot cry about seeing a photo. Do you cry when you see your stepdaughter? Do you cry when you hear any stories about your husband in the first years of his life when you weren't around yet?

I think you have to find a way to be more secure in yourself and in your marriage. Your husband chose you and married you, and has a child with you. You "won", if you have to think of it that way. So the thing to do is to take a lovely family photo with you, your husband, and your baby, and take another with you two and both children. Put them in a nice double-frame and give it to your MIL for her next birthday or for mother's day. Give it with a HUGE smile and a card about how lovely she is to take you all into her home and how appreciative you are. Work to let her know that she is important to you as your MIL and your little guy's grandma as well as the daughter's grandma. Do NOT make any suggestion whatsoever that she remove the other photo at all.

Try to find some confidence in yourself. Your husband married you, chose you as an admirable stepmother for his daughter, had a baby with you, and brings you into his mother's home. He had a bad marriage, got divorced, and instead of being burned by that, he chose you! This is good! In what way are you disrespected? You actually are disrespecting him by dismissing his first wife and the child they created together. You will also drive a HUGE wedge between yourself and your husband, and between yourself and your stepdaughter, if you pursue this further.

ETA - reading the additional info you posted, I can see there are more issues. If you think there is a credible threat against your child from your husband's ex, you need to talk to the authorities. It must have been very difficult at the emotional moment of giving birth to have to think about who is authorized to enter. (My husband's ex pulled something like this during my MIL's final illness and before my MIL's funeral and we had to have people on standby at hospitals and funeral, plus her residence. And a relative of mine married a woman whose mother threatened to disrupt the wedding - so these kinds of stresses are awful but other people face them with one eye on the disturbed person and the other on trying to be positive and happy.

If his ex is a disturbed, jealous or angry person who makes idle threats and spouts off about doing hurtful things, you have to try to take that in stride and not antagonize her (even you are right, it will backfire and make things worse for you ). If your MILk hates her, but still displays the photo, then your MIL is a very strong and magnanimous person who is putting her best foot forward as far as your stepdaughter is concerned. She is putting her personal feelings aside in order to create as much harmony for this little girl. I suggest you do the same, and I suggest you get some couples counseling with your husband to work on the reassurances you need and to see what accommodations he is willing to make to help you know that you come first in his mind.

Well, they were married. And that shaped who your husband is.

I didn't throw out every picture of my ex-boyfriends when I got married. Those relationships contributed to who I am today (and, I might add, made me appreciate my husband when we started dating). Nor would I ask my DH to get rid of pictures of his ex-girlfriends. Those people are part of our histories and are a part of why we are who we are now.

So no, I would not be offended at a picture of my DH's ex. Especially with their child in the picture. Maybe it's one of the only pictures from that time period that she likes with her son and her grandchild in it.

Let it go.

His ex is his daughter's mother, that will never change. If you really dislike the picture why don't you have photos taken with your husband and all of his children, frame it and give it to your MIL - but you have no right to ask her to take down a picture hanging on the wall in HER house. Your husband is right in this, it is your MIL's house and her wall to do with as she pleases. Your other option would be to move out so you don't have to look at it any longer.

Maybe my significant other and I are the most understanding people in the world or something, but we actually encourage each other in our relationships with our exes, because it's our children's history and part of their story. And it's a fact of life that can't be changed.

I have pictures of my ex in my own house (small pictures, but with the kids and those pictures have always been here) that I won't get rid of because I wouldn't do that to my kids. My significant other also has pictures around of his ex and his girls. Why get so upset about a picture? It's history. It happened. You're there now and you can take new pictures and ask her to put them up.

From reading this, I think it's a lot bigger a problem than just this photo on the wall.

You are going to have the ex in your life for years to come. I get that it's never easy when the ex is still in the picture - that's what happens when you marry someone who is divorced with kids. You made that decision. Sometimes it's messy, sometimes it's awkward .. .it's how YOU deal with it that is important.

You cannot control the ex. You cannot control the MIL. You cannot control your husband. It is not your place to, it is not your responsibility.

Take responsibility for yourself. You can decide to not let this get to you. You can decide that it has nothing to do with you - the picture was there before you met your husband. Let it go. You are in control of that.

Sometimes when things get out of control, it's helpful to recognize there are things you can do. That's the first step. And then there are things that you cannot control. Just decide to let go of all the past drama - let it go. Reliving it does nothing.

Good luck. If you find dealing with the ex difficult, let your husband handle it all. If you find living with the MIL difficult, then tell him you need for you all to move out. You are not responsible for all this. Or paying the MIL's rent. Maybe you want your own home. I would. I think that's where your stress is coming from. I could not have lived with in-laws right after having a child. I think it's a lot.

Wish you the best :)

It's in her room, stay out of her room and you won't see it. As for in a common area, an updated pic of your hubby, you, and all your children (his and yours) should be there...wouldn't that be the perfect gift for Mother's Day?

I would focus on getting things together so I did not live there anymore. What she has up in her home is her business, especially in her own room. Is this MIL's room? Or SD's? My sks had pictures of their mom in their rooms and I said nothing because that is their mom.

You did not say how long you have been married/dealing with his ex. I wouldn't be *happy* about it, but I would also not give her more power over me than she should by fixating on it. If you are living in her home, you need to respect that it is her home foremost. If this isn't going to work long-term, then you need to discuss with your DH the merits of downsizing his mom to a house she can afford and giving you space you need with a growing family.

Is this really about MIL or about the ex? Because if it's really about the ex, don't make it about MIL.

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He was married before and has a 25 year old son from that marriage. I have been in his life since he was 6. I went over to my step sons house a few months ago and upstairs on a shelf, there was a family photo of him with his mom and dad when he as two. Did I get upset? Did that diminish my relationship with him or his father. NOT IN THE LEAST!!! I thought it was adorable. My husband and I have two kids together and I also have one from my first marriage. All four kids get along like bio-brothers/sisters. I love all 4 kids like I gave birth to them all. In fact, my step son just made me a grandmother for the first time in January. After my grandson was born, I took a picture of my step-son holding his baby with his mom and one side and his dad on the other. His mother has not always been the greatest mom but, I have ALWAYS respected her as his mother. He calls me "Mama" and her "Mama Bear". Don't be insecure. Just because your husband has a new wife and child, that will never take away the family that he had BEFORE you.

You should not ever tell someone what they can or can not hang on their wall.

Perhaps you and your husband and children should move out and your MIL can either get a roommate or she could come live with you in your home where you will have the right to decorate however you choose.

If I were in your shoes, I would try really hard to never let anyone see how much my husband's ex's picture bothered me. It makes you sound jealous and petty.

You simply can NOT erase history.

There are 2 families now. The first, followed by yours.

Those are real bonds with real people, who are still in her life, and will be forever.

You can't throw out family members. Deleting them off of the wall doesn't change the past or the future. Your MIL still needs and want to maintain healthy, working relationships with the mother of her grand daughter, something that your MIL understands and something that you clearly do not.

Let it go. Today. Be grateful that she loved this family and appreciate that she accepts her sons divorce and remarriage to you.

And you can always give her a lovely photo of your new family, and perhaps she'll hang it next to the one that bothers you.

It is not your house. You are only there temporarily no matter how long that might be. Get some new pictures made of your family and hang them in your room. Offer your MIL on for the records.

If you can't let go of your feelings, perhaps you need to go to therapy for help. As for the hospital scene, perhaps the ex was jealous of you having a baby with her "husband". Life is too short for so much drama.

the other S.

I still have my daughter's wedding picture, from her first wedding, up in my house. Why? Because it makes her son feel good to see it and it is a beautiful picture of my daughter. Right under that picture I have a picture of their son only an hour after his birth, also a beautiful picture. They were married 3 yrs, I have several family pictures of them, I only have one up. I took down the solo picture of my former son-in-law but I have the solo picture of my daughter from the wedding.
I would have pictures of her second wedding up but I never got any to put up.

On a note here.... my uncle's second wife refused to enter my cousin's homes if a picture of their mom was up in their house. My cousins were adults when the parents divorced so there was never any custody issues or anything. My second aunt was just controlling.

Now I agree with my daughter on this one.... Her current husband also divorced is always getting pictures from his ex-wife of the kids with her in the picture. There is no need for her to take pictures of the kids and include herself in the picture. He works on an oil rig off shore so she sends them by email or to his phone while he is at work.

But .... the long and short story of this issue is... How secure are you in your marriage? How secure are you as a person. It would be a better use of your time to seek counseling to work out your insecurities than to battle his mom about what she can or cannot hang up on her wall.

the fact is:

He divorced HER and MARRIED YOU. He LOVES YOU. NOT her or he would still be with her and never with you.

I would never tell my MIL what she can or cannot hang on the walls in her room. I understand how you could feel hurt by that picture, but I would still not demand its removal, it's simply not my place. The woman in the picture is STILL the mother of her grandchild, just like you are. Perhaps they had a nice relationship. If you're secure in your relationship with your husband, what's the problem? If it's JUST this picture that's bothering you, I'd say get over it. If there's more to it, then the picture is the least of your problems. Either way, MIL gets to hang whatever she chooses in her own, private room and you graciously thank her for letting you live in her house.

There was someone before you. You cannot erase that history no matter how hard you try. You need to realize that this is MIL's house not yours.

I don't know about the rest of the drama, but you are contributing to it. STOP!!!!!

I don't care who did what to whom. Stop the cycle. Be the adult and loving stepmom. Stop the madness!!!

Get over it. It was part of your MIL life and your husbands. It's HER house and HER pictures and HER wall and she can do as she wishes. That being said, does she also have a pic of you guys on the wall? If so, then move on. My mom still has pics of me and my ex and our kids and my now husband and kids and my cousin and her 2 or 3 husbands and all their kids, etc. It is FAMILY and just because someone gets divorced it does not make it so they family members disappear. You have way bigger things to be stressed about than this. JMO but you need to get over it. Good luck.

You know, at first I was thinking this was total nonsense that your MIL would keep a picture of her son and his ex-wife in her house, but I took some time to really think about my response and now it's a bit different than the initial knee jerk reaction.

I think this issue is with your marriage, whether you want to admit it or not. It has NOTHING to do with the picture. His wedding day with her was likely a very happy one, but the end of that marriage wasn't so good or it wouldn't have ended. He no longer loves her or wants her. He chose to have another wife and another baby - that should tell you something. HOWEVER, if you still feel threatened by this woman in any way, your husband isn't doing his job in making you feel like she isn't a part of your life, as in your marriage. She will be a part of your family life forever, because she is the mother of your step-daughter.

She has no place in your marriage, and you are giving her space there. Maybe you need counseling, maybe you need an honest and open conversation with your husband about your feelings towards her, I'm not sure. But you need someone to help you work through this issue.

It is a picture in someone else's house. You can't change it because it isn't your place to change it.

My step mother has her house decorated with tons and tons of pictures of her children and grandchildren. (I offered her some framed portraits of me and my sister as children...she didn't want them...my mother is deceased so they aren't hanging at her house.) My kids pictures are placed on my dad's desk in an out of the way place. Her other grand kids cover every surface.

Know what?? it isn't my house...I offer photos and give photos and what she does with them is her business. Some day my kids are going to notice and I will have to explain to them. BUT when that day comes, if it does I will not throw her under the bus but just explain about how some step families work.

At my Grandmother-in-laws house she has family portraits hanging of my MIL with both her husbands (my FIL and step-FIL) and the kids. It is family history and she is going to display it.

This isn't abut the picture it is about your husband's ex-wife. The picture is a symptom not the disease.

What should you do? Grow up and stop thinking her life is all about you.

She likes this picture. She can even still be friends with the ex and you can't say anything. She wants to be part of the drama with this woman? Then step back and be the best person you can be to her. That way YOU don't ever have to feel bad about treating her in a way that's not your best.

Stop going in her room. If she needs something send someone else. You home alone all day with her? Get a job outside of the home and put the kids in child care. Even if you don't make a penny of profit you are outside of the home all day.

Just let her have her pictures and fill your space with pictures of your family. Then you won't have such a hard time in someone else's home having the pictures THEY want in their home.

***************************************

Not everyone is as lucky as me. We all get along just fine.

My ex's wife even put my mother's house on the list for a program where volunteers came in and fixed up people's homes. That's the kind of person she is. She made sure they worked on my mom's house twice because the first group missed stuff.

She took my daughter under her wing and taught her many things. She loves her to this day like she was her own. I have stayed with them when I had to go to the doctor and didn't want to stay with my mother. They are good people that I love dearly. My ex and I don't have cross words because we get along. Just because our marriage didn't work out doesn't mean our lives have to be hell. My husband was terribly surprised at how we all act towards each other. He's friends with my ex. They get along well.

My ex's wife would drop by as often as she could to visit with my mom, to see if she needed a ride to the store, to make sure she was okay. I appreciated that.