HELP ! We have a tweenage boy who is driving us NUTS. Very intelligent and in TAG , but for some reason he keeps lying about doing his homework . We have an online way to check up on his assignments and some of his teachers even e-mail assignments out to parents daily. Yet he continues to lie and say his work is done even when it is not , or we have helped him and signed off on the homework but he fails to turn it in on time. Mind you he has OCD and ADD but a lack of organization . I remind him every day that he needs to turn in his assignments. We have taken away his TV ( does watch w/ family) , DS , and going to high school football games with his friends and this still has not worked. Is there anyone out there who has a child like this and what did you do. He does take medication for the OCD and ADD. Please no opinions on us giving him meds because before the meds he was nonfunctioning in class but had off the chart test scores. He is very social has many friends and plays 2 instruments and football and is in Scouts . He also has plenty of down time. He is not Autistic or Aspergers . Has 3 little sisters .
Thank You to all of the moms out there who gave suggestions. I talked to my son today and lo and behold he is BORED ! he says the 6th grade work is too easy and so is the TAG work. I told him that just because it is easy does not mean he can be lazy or forgetful. He does see a therapist once a month to discuss his " life" and the things going on around him. We have tried the binder thing and he still forgets but we will continue to try everything. He works well with repetitive things most of the time. I will check out all the books that were suggested and see what we can do to help him even more. Thank you again moms for all your help. I forgot to add he does get A's and B's, mostly A's on his report card. Sadly his worst grades (the B's ) if you can call them that are in Band and Orchestra. He forgets his lessons all the time. His band and orchestra teachers say his grades do not reflect his playing it is the missed lessons. UGH!
you may want to try the positive reinforcement instead of negative. Like you can have three friends go to the movies if you get your homework in on time for one week, up the positives for longer periods of turning things in on time.Good luck
Boys Adrift--read it! Has changed how I perceive my son a lot!!
I think our sons are related! LOL
Mine is now 14 and in 9th grade and is still "forgetting" to turn in his work. He was diagnosed with Inattentive ADD in 7th grade and we did meds for a year...they helped but he wanted to try without them for 9th grade. He still occasionally forgets to turn in work, and I have received a couple of emails from teachers about his not doing work in class. But, he knows the consequences - total grounding and absolutely no electronics (his fav things).
I think some of it is maturity even with children with ADD/OCD issues. While mine understands the rules he also realizes that it is his decision on whether he is going to pass school or not. In my world passing is As and Bs as that is the standard to get scholarships for college.
So, do what you are doing - have set consequences for bad performance in school - let him know the rules. I have told my son that if he fails it is on him and he will re-take 9th grade...no summer school, no switching schools, I will let him be held back. Oddly, that threat seems to work and he is striving to maintain the A/B average this year.
Good Luck!!
What you're describing is absolutely normal for an ADD/ADHD student. Once a school paper or project is "Out of Sight, it's also Out of Mind" - the problem doesn't exist any longer and is forgotten. This is not something they can control - they just cannot remember to do homework and turn it in. In their minds they've "hopefully" done it (even when they haven't) or they'll lie and say they've done it in order to not get into trouble (at the moment).
Punishment and removal of privileges is very detrimental to these kids. They already feel bad and defeated because they know they are different than other kids who don't have this problem, and it greatly affects their self esteem. Reward systems work much better, even with teenagers, however, reward systems don't always work either because they can't remember to accomplish tasks, and don't often get rewarded. They also want to feel like they can accomplish the tasks the same as everyone else does, without getting a reward - but they can't!
This is a case where professional ADHD counseling would be very beneficial for your son. It will help him to be able to express his concerns and frustrations to a non-related person. The therapist should be very experienced in working with ADHD kids (especially teenagers) and be able to help them learn to organize, schedule, use alarm clocks, lists, prompts, and all the various aids available to those with ADHD.
There needs to be consequences for not doing schoolwork, chores, etc., but punishment or removal of privileges needs to be saved for the really BIG issues - not just not getting homework done. For those with ADHD punishment should be for the teen doing things that he CAN control, but didn't, such as driving the car without permission, lying, cheating on tests, hurting someone, etc.
If you don't get the ADD magazine (find it online), it is one of the very best support systems you could possibly get. It has a wealth of infomation, with detailed suggestions on how to get kids to do homework, turn it in on time, and LOTS of other ADHD issues.
Kirk Martin/ Celebrate Calm [____@____.com] is an excellent, free website for parents with ADHD kids.
Have you asked him why he isn't turning it in? Is there a specific reason, or does he just forget? I think this is typical boy tween behavior (ADD or not). Our rule in the house was that when we got home from school: we had a snack and then we had to do our homework. Not sure if that is realistic with him being in so many extracurricular activities. I agree with Katie: if he turns in all his homework for the week, then he can: go to the football game on Friday, or do something with his friends over the weekend.
It sounds like you need to hlep him make a system to keep it all together and at the top of his mind. Maybe one largish zippered binder with a folder and a bit of paper in it for each subject? Then make it part of his routine (and yours, at this age) the biner ALWAYS goes toschool and ALWAYS comes home, whether he THINKS he has any home work or not. First thing he gets home sit down with him and the binder, set out all the homework that needs to be done, and set a timer to do it in 15-20 minute increments with a small break in between each burst, all done with the timer, so distraction doesn't interfere.
When all is complete, you check it, it goes in his binder which goes in his backback, and that needs to go by the backdoor on a "launch-pad" where everything he needs for the next schoolday should all be placed together. You probably need to talk to the teacher and let her know what you are doing at home, so she may help some at shcool. Give him a routine chart or list to tape to his desk or locker - that binder should go everywhere with him at shcool, and first thing in each classroom, he should open it and get out the homework for that class.....tape the list of what to do to the front of the binder too - and at the end of each class, the assigned homework should be written or worksheets placed in the area for that subject within the binder, that way it is all in one place and always all with him.
I think he just needs more specific help on getting organized, step by step.
I hope this idea might help. Here are some articles on a helpful website, about the same issues, too: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1034.html
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/5951.html
Jessie
To me this sounds like classic underperformance of a gifted boy. This is an extremely common reaction among highly intelligent children who have not been challenged and no longer see the point in doing school work. The OCD and ADD are red flags and this sort of behavior is especially common at this age. Junior high curriculum does not emphasize academics (it's actually mostly review) and many gifted children are lost during this period. I highly recommend doing more research and seeking help from someone who works with gifted children. The Belin-Blank Center at the University of Iowa is a good place to start. Unfortunately you may be caught in a vicious circle where the school will say they won't give him any more challenging work until he completes the work that he's given. I don't want to scare you, but my brother and I had similar situations in school and I ended up dropping out of high school (don't worry, I graduated) and my parents pulled my brother out of school in 8th grade to homeschool him and then sent him to a different school for high school.
I'm currently reading a book titled Academic Advocacy for Gifted Children, which I think would be worthwhile for you to check out. I also often recommend 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options. The author has a website www.talentignitor.com that may be useful. Also, visit www.hoagiesgifted.org which has a LOT of information and links to books and research.
Feel free to message me if you want any more info or have questions.
Reading this sounded like I was writing it! We have the EXACT same issue as well. My son will be 13 in a few months and he's constantly lying about homework to both us and the teachers. We have daily communications with the teachers (emails) which seems to have helped a bit so far. I've heard this from many parents though that are struggling with it as well, and not all have ADHD/ODD or OCD. I think it's a phase...however, with ADHD/ODD/OCD it amplifies the problem that much more. We have the rule in our home that with any D's on his grades, he loses video games, and with F's, he loses TV. He's come to accept it, although, doesn't like it. Another question is ... is he on meds for ADHD? We are about to change meds due to just "growing up". Hope that helps and know you are not alone!
This behavior is just starting in middle school? hmmmmm.
At this age, boys begin to realize that doing well in school is "not cool." He won't tell you this, though.
Whether we like it or not, kids perceive that doing well in school is just for girls or nerds, and boys don't want to be teased for being like a girl.
This is less of a problem at an all-boys school.
If you can't get him to a boys-only school, he's got to figure out how to make school relevant to his future. Ask dad or another smart male grown-up for help. Boys and girls think differently about school, and Dads have a lot more experience being a boy than we do.
Since I've never been a boy, my reference to how boys think is my husband and Dr. Leonard Sax's book, "Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men"
http://www.boysandschools.com/boysadrift.php Please take a look!
What does he really like?? Use that as your reinfocement. If the electronics aren't doing it then find his real passion.
I took everything away from my son. He had a bed, a bookcase and his books. His Gameboy, when he was allowed. We did not have tv.
Not everything worked. Our best luck came when my son got into Latin, the teacher was the wrestling coach, and had some of the kids stay at lunch for a chess game here and there. Then we moved.
You might try talking to the coach, if the grades don't improve, no football.
