Help with Self Esteem for 5 Yr Old Boy.

Hey T.,

My 5 year old daughter Kaitlyn is the same way. She still wets herself at home when she doesn't get her way and she doesn't interact with the kids at school very well. If you would like to get them together for a playdate sometime with other kids, feel free to let me know. I believe that's the only way to break this cycle.

J. Z.
www.jenniferzaranis.com

My daughter was very similar to that at the age of 3 1/2. Then, I put her in taekwondo training. While it took months to a year to see any change, I eventually dd see change. She is now much more confident and performs better at school. She is in honors math and skipped a grade. Also, she is a semi-black belt and able to defend herself against people her size pretty well. She still has a long way to go to fight off larger threats, but she is doing alot better than she would have otherwise. She is tiny for her age and skipped a grade so the training is not really practical yet, but it will be when she grows up and learns more. Also, she is at a school where they teach more than just kicking. I was able to have help for my daughter dealing with the school "bear hugger". The master taught me a purely defensive move that will break the grasp this child has on my daughter while not hurting her. I hope this helps.

T.,

Get him involved in something. It seems like he needs to feel like he's a part of a team. My son is the same way and last year was tough on him. I decided to homeschool this year because of that and because of my issues with public school as a whole. But what has really helped him to feel more confident about himself is wrestling and Cub Scouts. These give him a focused activity to work on while he's making friends and it gives him a sense of belonging. Maybe your son would benefit from something similar.

Best of luck!

Hi, I'm a mom of 2 boys (little ones) and taught elementary school before staying home. Kindergarten is a big transition for a lot of kids and some who are on the quiet side or are adjusting to the schedule and the constant social scene need confidence boosters. I have three suggestions: help your little guy shine at what he does best (academic or extracurricular), 2nd find a kindred spirit in his class and 3rd focus on how to be friend and express your interests (i.e. I like pizza, do you?). Whatever your son shows interest in, build his confidence by encouraging him and making a big deal about it. If your son is interested sports, this could be the time for him to check out a sport or if he's into quieter activities (reading, building blocks,trains) check out local events that will fuel his interests (storytime, getting a library card, puppet shows, train tours even visiting a train station, architecture displays, mueseums). Finding what he enjoys boost his confidence and provides him with more to talk about with other kids. Boys in early elementary can be very competitive about everything (I bet you can't beat me at_________________ (fill in the blank - sound familiar?)

2nd - Find a kindred spirit. Very likely there's at least one (probably more) boys in his class experiencing the same thing. Help him find a playmate or two and get together at the bus stop, after school or sign up for the same extracurricular activity.

3rd - Focus on how to be a friend and help your son find common interests. In Kindergarten a common interest is basic: I have on sneakers - me too, you have a dog- me too, I like playing ball - me too.
It is always easier to navigate the social scene with a buddy and you may even find he will come home with a new best friend b/c he'll start connecting with kids more over the every day common interests.

Best of luck!

Have you considered homeschooling his for the rest of this year? He may be too young to handle the stress at school. Your child is intelligent but he may be emotionally sensitive. It may be a wonderful help to him to remain close to you for another year. One year can make a big difference. Listen to the heart needs of your child not the school system. AF

I agree with what most everybody says. One additional note is that my son had a WITCH for a 2nd grade teacher and she pushed him over the edge. He actually threw up in class. It turned out she didn't like boys and she was always belittling him and others. Try the volunteer route and see if you can pick up on any behaviors of the teacher or a particular student. Also, it turned out my son was ADD, and his vision wasn't so great, so we eventually moved him to another school, but not without a lot of pain in between. Once kids stay in a self deprecating position for a while, it is hard to climb out so GOOD JOB for picking up so quickly! L.

I agree with Heather - I think each child takes transition differently, some harder than others. It's a huge step from no school to school...and at 5 he is feeling pretty nervous! He will eventually get to know other students and mayeb the teacher will also help include him in activities and he will start to feel more and more comfortable the more he gets used to it. Helping him learn coping strategies will help a lot...
My DSD was very outgoign and social but even she starting K had a lot of anxiety. She had been through speech class where she kind of got a precursor to school, so that helped a lot - she learned how to interact with other kids on a smaller scale and like it...so the play dat eidea could really assist with that....but after a few weeks/months, she loved school and didn't want to leave her classmates and teacher. She changed schools and it took less and less time to get situated - she started a new school again because we moved and bought a house, and although she missed her old friends, it took only a few weeks to get adjusted this time.
My DSS started wetting himself after he changed schools, got a new step mom and changed living arrangements....and he was 8! He takes change a lot harder than DSD. We eventually had to start setting up restrictions each time he 'forgot' to use the bathroom at school. He eventually started 'remembering.' I don't think you will have to go there with a 5 year old though....he should start settling in and the wetting will go away on its own. Just be positive and encouraging that of course people would like him - to make a friend, be a friend, etc....and if someone doesn't like him they are crazy because he is awesome! :)

Try helping him find those things he's great at, like karate, basketball, painting, drawing, legos...whatever. Take evenings and weekends to do those things. Lowe's and Home Depot offer free clinics on select Saturdays, as does AC Moore. Maybe your husband can take some of that time while you study. Also, just continue to praise and teach him that everyone has unique gifts and abilities. Don't envy others, find your own and celebrate who you are. In time, he'll make friends there and blend in. If this continues to be a problem, you can change schools, look at private schools, or, in our case, homeschool. My son is now 10 and is very outgoing, confident and has a lot of friends. We don't focus on weaknesses, though we acknowledge them and practice. But, he gets to see and do those things he's really good at but wouldn't be pursued in a traditional class setting. If homeschool is not an option for you, continue to research alternative schools in the area, those that implement different techniques, like public Montessori or French immersion, etc. Look into feeder schools, like what elementary students go to performing arts middle and high schools, etc. Some children who take self-motivating sports like golf, swimming, karate or gymnastics gain self-confidence as they can see their progress without pressure of performance in team setting.

T.:

Hello! I'm sooo sorry to hear your son is going through this.

Can you volunteer at the school for an hour or so during the week to observe the classroom and see what's going on?

Believe it or not, bullying starts much earlier than when we were kids. The pressure put on the little ones SEEMS so hard to overcome.

Talk with your son about this. Get him the pull ups that look like underwear so he doesn't get embarrassed in school with any wetting incidents.

Talk with the teacher. Find out who he hangs out with - in Kindergarten, they usually have two teachers or one teacher and a Teacher's Assistant. Talk with them.

Talk with your son - tell him how you felt when you started Kindergarten. Find out what's going on in the class. Don't pressure or get defensive with him - try and make it a game so that he can tell you what's going on - he might just let it slip and BINGO you have the root cause - don't freak in front of him - let him continue talking and then take action.

Take care!

God Bless!

Cheryl