Help Me Find Some Peace!

I found some excellent books on this subject by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk" and "Siblings Without Rivalry." After checking out a bunch of parenting books, these are by far at the top of my list - their advice is really simple, straightforward, and it actually works. I learned a lot from these books along the same lines you are seeking.

You can get them used on amazon.com for very cheap!

Good luck!!

Here is a trick i have learned, when the fighting is at thier worst tie thier hands togather, and let them figure it out on thier own, make it clear that they won't be intied until they can work togather for at least an hour. And everytime they start to go at it, retie them. Sounds a little odd and maybe to some cruel but I have found it really works, for one they don't like it, and for 2 they are forced to work thing and out and problem solve on thier own. I did this with my older 4 out of desperation and was surprised by the results, I even did it to them at one of my sons soccer games, that time it was humiliation that stopped thier endless berage of insults and just plain meaness, other parents got a kick out of it thats for sure! LOL!

I also did it to my 6 and 3 year old last week, and got a good day out of it, all I have to do is ask them if they want to be stuck togather again and they stop......usually. Just a different spin on an age old problem. Good luck!

I see that some might find it cruel, but for future info i don't use duct tape or anything demeaning, I use a sweat band for the wrist, and my kids actually enjoy it, they like to see what they can do using only one hand each, and since most of their fighting is over video games they have learned that that is the one thing they can't do when only using one hand, when their time is up they have forgotten what they were arguing about and we usually have a good day. I didn't say it would work for every child, every child is different and sometimes you just have to get creative in how you do it. The world doesn't work because of a bunch of "me" people it succeeds because we have to learn to work as a team.

Hi S.,

Do you and the kids have a church home? I ask this because it is there that they can learn about love and respect.
A great church is Southeast Christian Church on Jordan Rd. in Parker.

Worked for my 3.

Blessings,
C.

Hi S.,

I only have one child, but I am the oldest of three (3) children. My brother and sister are two (2) of the most important people in the world to me. When we were younger we definitely had our daily battles. My parents employed the following strategy and it worked quite well.

All (3) of us had to do just about everything together. If we wanted to go to the recreation center, we all had to go. When one of us was ready to go home, all of us had to come home. If mom needed us to get something from the store, all (3) of us had to go. If we wanted to play outside, all of us went to play.

I think it worked well for our parents and taught us how to negotiate with one another. Instead of mom and dad being pulled into each dispute, they were only pulled in when we couldn't work it out and then the decision that was made usually wasn't what any of us wanted.

Good Luck,
TRUDI

Time to pull rank on them, especially at their age. I would seriously have consequences for each infraction, rate it and then have recourse. I did a behavior chart for my two as they were doing the same thing, during breakfast, the bickering, the tattling the just plain fussing it was driving me batty. I made very defined rules, if you fight over something, then it is put up for 24 hrs, we can set a timer and alternate the toy or put it up. I tell them I will not listen to tattling unless it is a serious issue. I have put them both to bed as early as 6:00 as if they push me to my limit for the day then I am done, period no discussion. The other thing is put them in seperate bedrooms until they can play nicely. This is such normal behavior at their age and all you can do is encourage playing nicely, giving them games that are age appropriate for each other, put the bigger ones in charge of "teaching" the younger ones to be respectful and have a glass of wine (you not the kids with the wine)!! :) My kids will play like angels one day all day, then the next day they get mad if one looks at the other! Normal....they will be the best of friends as they get older.

It'll take some work and planning, but I think the solution is service. They need to do nice things for each other. That always helps people feel more kindly toward each other.
You could have a common goal for them to work toward--filling a small jar with pennies, or buttons or anything, and when it's full they can go on a special outing, or have a pizza party or go out to ice cream. They earn the pennies (or whatever) by doing nice things for each other--in secret. Have them pick each other's names out of a hat, then that's their secret person for a week. All week, they do something nice for that person each day. It could be making a bed, doing a chore for them, whatever. But they should do it secretly. Do it for two weeks, or longer if you want. Switch the secret person each week. I bet your kids will have fun thinking up secret things to do for each other (with your help), and I bet they'll feel a lot happier about being siblings.

Wow I'm shocked at some of the advice here-- specifically tying their hands together. That's abusive. How will they translate that action into adulthood?

Here's my thoughts-- I am assuming that your two youngest room together? Is it possible for you to set up a little private space for each of them so they can have "me time"? Perhaps even a little blanket you pull out and set in a corner where one child can do her thing alone for a bit? Also, do they have their own toys that they are not required to share? You might find that allowing each daughter to have private time and private toys that they don't have to share with anyone will do wonders. If you think about it, as adults, we have our private things that we don't share and we take our moments alone or we go nuts! Also, you might want to consider setting up separate playdates for the children where they can interact with friends their own age from school or the neighborhood without their sister horning in. Give them some space and something to do outside of one another. Put them in a dance class or other physical activity-- let them have their own unique hobbies.

Ugh- Somebody told me having five kids was as bad as having three so I said I wouldn't have five- Luckly I didn't- after having our fourth, I had a set of twins and it was easier with six than three!
With three you always have one man out and that causes so much trouble. There is always one in to something of the others. And Heaven forbid they all get along and play with each other at the same time. Two maybe but all three - never. Saddly, they see each other as getting more attention or if two are working together then the third feels gilted. Things I found that helped: One- set aside individual times to be together with each girl individualy. I tryed taking one with me shopping or bill paying- things I had to do anyway and sometimes stopped for a treat. This gave me one on one time with out the other two inturupting. Two- See if there is a place for one at a time to visit- grandparent, friend or neighbor- then make it something to look forward to "if you do not argue with your sisters." The other thing is make steel strong rules about respecting each others and your belongings and private space. I know this is very hard to do but if you don't they will be 17, 13 and 10 when makeup, clothes and all the other teenage things get in full swing. And remember to take a moment to hug them when they have their nose out of joint and tell them something special about themselves or just that you love them!

They may be searching for some attention. I have noticed that my kids misbehave when I am focused on something else, like the computer-tv-or some chore. Make sure you are taking some time each day to play WITH them. They will learn to get along more if they have fun time with you. My kids love card games like spoons and uno. They are at the age where it is fun to interact and play with them and that age doesn't last long so don't let it pass you by.

One of my strategies is this: Every time my kids would get into a fight and start hurting each other, I would make them say sorry to each other, give each other a hug, and then tell them to say that they love each other.
At first, it doesn't seem like it works, but I've noticed with my kids that over time they started getting along better. It helps diffuse the anger between them.
After a while of doing that, when I would make them do it, instantly they would start playing nice together. I have found that along with other startegies, this one works really well. It would also help me not be so angry too. :)