Bib Brother Teasing Little Sister

My two oldest are just shy of 9 years apart, and then 2 more follow in close succession, but we have trouble with the oldest (who is a 14 y/o boy) teasing the others (5 y/o girl, 3 y/o boy, and 6 month baby). It's like he gets some power trip by teasing them, or it makes him feel in control some how. We have reprimanded the eldest and sent him to his room until he could behave properly and that has helped. We also have make him write sentences ("I will not tease my sister"), 25 to 50 (he HATES to write sentences) because he knows better. He sometimes treats them like they are there to amuse him. When the fighting is 2-way, it is sometimes effective to have them sit in chairs and face eachother for 5 minutes. I always make them apologize and hug and say "I forgive you". Hope this helps!

Very common problem. Get the book, Talk so your Kids will listen and Listen while your kids will talk. Written probably 20 years ago, it's fabulous. It's easy. It makes sense. No psychobabble.

Get it at amazon (or more cheaply at your public library!)

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

Best Regards,

R. Katz, Psy.D.
wwww.richardkatz.org
###-###-####

I suggest sitting your 11 y/o down and having a good talk with him. He's old enough to know better. his sister is only 4, she doesn't know as much as he does. He needs to look after her and take care of her. Maybe even throw a game or two to be nice and to help you keep your sanity. You can even sit your 4 y/o down and explain to her about loosing gracefully. If worse comes to worse, take the competitive games away.

Good luck.

I have 2 girls and making fun of or bullying (others or each other) is NOT AN OPTION... I have told them that it would be better for them (both straight A students) to bring home an F than get into trouble for bullying etc.
About 1 1/2 yrs ago I caught my oldest teasing my youngest (little one was in a balling mess) I was furious... I canceled the oldest's upcoming sleep over plans and a birthday party (not hers) and she spent the weekend helping me with absolutely anything that I could find for her to do... I have not had the problem since.
If the girls are brickering at each other, I make them sit on the couch together and hold hands and after 5 minutes they have to say, We are sisters and we love each other (got that from a friend) b4 they can get up from the couch.
A little teasing etc btwn siblings is ok but if one is balling b/c of it then it is out of hand... at 11yo he should know that he is a protector of his little sister not someone she fears etc b/c of teasing etc.

I agree that you need to attend to the problem not ignore it. I also agree that your boy should be brought into the role of protective older brother and that might actually help his ego a bit. Maybe he doesn't really enjoy playing with the 4 yr old and really why should he? He probably has very different interests. I would limit their play together and insist they get along when they do. (this will fall more on his shoulders). Yes Dad needs to be more involved. I have very bad memories of being teased and picked on by an older brother and guess what? We are not friends to this day, which is very sad in my opinion. Parents need to intervene in the case of a big age spread.

OMG. This sounds just like my two girls whom are 5 1/2 years apart and me. I do the same. They play well for a bit then it comes crashing down with teasing and picking. Then the crying comes into play. When they do this I sent then to there own rooms. I just went through this last night and about pulled my hair out. They were fine and then both wanted on the computer instead of working with each other it turned into a crying match. So i just told both of then no comptuer find something else to do. I wish I had better advice but realize your not the only mom going through this. I am not sure if it is because we have choose to have are kids so far apart in age and the older one is fight for more attntion knowing the younger one has to have more because they depend on us more. So they seek any attention they can get including the negative. Maybe set a day (there own) togather for each child with you a month or try game night. We use the dvd games so we do not have to deal with our 3 year old pulling the board off the table. Good luck!!

Ever stop and realize that yelling at them doesn't work? They yell you yell then the whole house is in chaos.

Start by talking to the 11 year old, he is old enough to understand consequences, don't just talk about them be about them. If you threaten a punishment follow through.
Take things away, if that doesn't work then try something else. My children are 8 years apart and I had to set boundaries for them, my son (the older child) always was mean to my daughter who is now 11. I had to let him know that I don't love her anymore than I love him, but sometimes he needed to understand that she was smaller and needed to win on occasion and he needed to stop being mean. And I had to tell her she couldn't tattle all the time either. I followed through. I didn't yell, that only showed them that it was okay for them to yell,
don't sweat the small stuff, worry about things that really matter. Are they good kids? Do they get in trouble outside the house? if the answer is no, then your doing a good job and you just need to set limits and boundaries. Maybe don't let them play games while your trying to cook or let them help you in the kitche...

I don't know if I am responding as a fellow mom or a little sister... :) But isn't 11 old enough to know that at 4 your daughter is too little to win games against an 11 yr old? I would think that it wouldn't be fun for him to always win and not fun for your daughter to play. Could it be that your son is having teasing troubles at school and is then in turn teasing your daughter excessively? I would expect the 4 yr old to be tattling, crying, etc... but I am surprised that the 11 yr old matches her with that. Did he have a hard time adjusting to being a big brother initially? After all, he did have 7 years of being an Only. If it is bad enough, most communities have low cost (sliding scale) family counseling that may help you get at the root of the problem. By dialing 211 (free service) you can find out what might be available in your community. Hope this helps, it sounds like you are in a very stressful situation. Good luck. :)

Get Dad more involved with your boy. Have him do things with your son even if it is mastering the power of remote controls. Your son is going through his pre tweens stage and needs his Dad more anyhow for guidance. This is the perfect oppertunity for them to create that strong male bond that your husband will need to have with your son as he grows through his teenage years. You can do the same with your daughter teaching her all the girly things us women do. At 11yrs old being the winner, the best, the greatest at everything is very important no matter boy or girl. It's a stage. Oh by the way did I mention baby sisters are GROSS, STUPID AND IRRATATING when your 11? I think what is happening is very normal. I would not worry to much. Let Dad teach him to be a REAL MAN. You can tell your son you will keep his sister busy so she won't pester him. He might even say MOM IS GREAT!!!lol He is just growing up Marta. Wait till your daughter gets to that age and you have to add in the moodiness from cycles and all the tears and temper that goes with it.It's a trip. I have a son(he is the youngest) and 3 girls and my youngest girl is 11 now and man can she really show her claws at that time of the month. All of us girls have claws by the way. Poor men in our house are out numbered. That's when the boys just stay out of our way. They go hunting or go play in the barn with the boat, truck or tractor, lol Couple of days ago I had to tell my youngest daughter "Your being a complete Groutch and she needed to chill out". She started crying and went to her room. Ten minutes later she was fine.lol So fighting and having to win all the games, all the bickering and tormenting is just trival,honest it truely is. Don't sweat the small stuff. Like on of the other women maybe he is being teased at school. There is no better counciler in the world than an involved and connected Dad. That won't cost you either. Try treating him more like the young adult he is becoming so he can learn how to deal with his changes and you will earn all kinds of respect from him. Thus, he will be a happier pre-tween for all of you. Right now he will bounce from acting like a 18 yr old to a 2 yr old. TOLERANCE IS A MUST! Raising kids is like riding a swing. If you don't put both feet out there in front of you when trying to gain control and hang on for dear life you will fall off, but if you go too fast it will feel like your losing control. Kids are all about balance and moderation. Luck to You from one of the greatest moms in the world. In the words of my children. I must be doing something right to recieve this honor.

"REWARDS" for HELPING and teaching the little sister! Turn the negative into a positive. Lots of praise for it, too! Give them things to accomplish together and encourage him to help teach her...i.e. folding clothes, putting a puzzle together (more her level) etc. TEACH HIM TO BE A GOOD HELPFUL RESPONSIBLE BIG BROTHER!