Help I'm Losing Myself

Hi J.,
I don't know if you do this or not, but I find regular exercise a must! The endorphins make you feel great, and the results make you feel great too. I recently took up running and it is so nice to be out on the road on my own. It is something that is just mine. I also do Stroller Strides with my kids and that helps for the exercise and also the friendship.
Good luck,
A.

Hi, J.,

You're not gone anywhere... you're right where you left you.

I have a dark suspicion, though: you do things you are 'supposed to do', right? Things like sorting laundry carefully, being patient with things you don't like, accepting the judgement of others' as The Way It Is, and sometimes don't eat very well, or get enough rest, or drink water throughout the day or get any exercise...

My experience is that moms who are losing patience and who are losing themselves have been 'playing house' rather than being alive for some time. There are 2 cures (and neither of them involve shedding any of the other people in your life, because that's a super-selfish, and extremely immature answer, even if it's one lots of 'experts' recommend) Happily neither of them require any money or childcare arrangements, as both can be done at home, even with busy children around:

Find Your Values
and
Vigilant Self-Care

You need to take care of your body. That means moving, resting, feeding it and drinking appropriately.

Getting enough vegetables and fruits, selecting whole grains ALL the time (not when you're 'being good') --and offering your family NOTHING but healthy food... because children and husbands eat what we actually expect them to eat, which is what we provide, which is how it becomes familiar and preferred, which is what they say they really want. Throw out the junk food (yes, even the white rice), it wssn't worth what you paid for it when you bought it, the money has already been wasted, and it is not more wasteful to throw junk food out than it is to stuff it into a body that doesn't need it.

Drink water every day.

When you're done making a habit of Vigilant Self-Care (which has the happy side effect of improving the healthcare of your whole family), you need to reconnect with your values.

Your real values... not the ones you're 'supposed' to have. Not 'being nice.' Energizing, important values that you really strive to live up to because that gives you a great feeling of power and engagement in life. Things like 'acquiring wisdom' and 'leading and teaching others' and 'being loving' and 'honesty and integrity'... Most people have 3-6 values that really say it all in terms of their ethics, what they simply will not do, what keeps them going through the day and how to access joy.

You see, that's what I think you've lost yourself to: play acting that you have values you don't have (and eating poorly and not getting enough variation between activity and rest in a day) for so long that you've forgotten what it's like to have your own values, much less feel jazzed by them.

What values are really important to YOU (not to your image of yourself when your mother-in-law is looking)? Not what you worry people will judge you about, but the character traits you really admire and that you value the most in yourself.

What values, when absent, make you crazy? For someone who finds Truth to be an important value, a tactful avoidance of a question will drive them nuts, even if 'you're fat, dear' is the truth about themselves that someone's tactfully avoiding. When wisdom is important, things like Jackass and seriously immature behaviour in adults are unbelievably irritating.

Oh, and the other piece of advice I seek to share with the whole world:

Never put up with anything for 17 seconds if you don't intend to put up with it for 17 years. Honour your preferences, even if it's 'silly' to others... your boundaries are yours, not a committee decision made by the noisiest voters.

announce that once a week you are leaving the house for 3 hours by yourself. just go. he can deal with the kids. it can be as simple as coffee at a bookstore browsing or window shopping at the mall followed by a soda or dinner at your choice of a restaurant. and make the rule no "honey you must come home" phone calls except for life or death situations. he may pout or he may realize quickly that you just need time off. (who doesn't?) i have dinner with a friend monthly and a monthly me time as well as a weekly bible study and doggie playdate. so on average i get a few hours a week easily. hubby realizes that it makes me a saner mom and wife. i may work out of the house part time, but we all still need me time. the same goes for him. i kick hubby out for guy time atleast once a month if not more. they need it too!

You need to join a moms group... like MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) or any other moms playgroups ... something to get some time to talk with other moms who understand you -- you can vent to them and feel recharged. As much as I talk and vent to my husband, he will never understand ALL the things I do as a SAHM ... what it feels like, the ups and downs. But it's SOOO good to know that there are other women out there, just like me, that I can vent to and I know they understand just what I'm going through.
I go to a MOMS Connection group at my church in Plano.

I also ditto what the other poster said about exercise. Just one hr away while the kids are in the kids club, that can do wonders!

Also ... you need to have a regularly scheduled Moms Night Out every now and then with your friends or when you join a MOPs or other moms group ... they sometimes schedule these Moms Nights Out. Those are absolutely great to get away for a chick flick or dinner. Mark it on the calendar, plan ahead... send the meeting request to your husband so he has it on his work calendar and knows that's a night he CANNOT work late (if it's possible).

Oh, and your kids are old enough for a Moms Day Out program at a local church or preschool. I did that with my son (he's in Kindergarten now) ... and I'll do it again with my baby girl (only 5 months old now). Even if it's just one day a week... it's a wonderful break from the 24/7 SAHM job! And worth every penny.
A mom's sanity is very important; we always made room in the budget for Mom's Day Out tuition.

I've been a stay-at-home mom for 6 yrs now, and I absolutely LOVE it!! But, I would not be this successful at it had it not been for the things I mentioned above! I'm sure I would have given up and gone back to work if it hadn't been for MOMS Connection, MNOs and my regular exercise time. You need time for yourself.

I took off a year, and I know exactly how you feel (and how guilty I felt for feeling it). You need to find some time or some thing you do for yourself. The hubby needs to step up and let you have that for yourself. I liked my Yoga class. It was only 3 times a week, but I did it just for me. I also liked bicycling (the quiet was great). Anyways, that is what helped me stay sane. Good luck! I know there are lots of mom's groups, maybe joining one of them would give you a support network to help.

The only thing worked for me was going back to work part time.Having twin boys(2.5yo) and staying at home I though I would hurt somebody sooner or later.. I have not slept through the night in a 3 years since I was pregnant.They started to sleep through the night at 2yo.Now I am only 2 days with my sons and this is max I can take.They go to a preschool and love it.I don't feel as lost as it has been before.

Hi J., I have 3 sons, 7, 5, and 4 months, and have been staying home full time for the past 4 years. I got to really feeling the same way you do. My patience were worn thin, I felt like fussing at my kids all the time and I always felt like I just needed a break. I agree with the other moms that recommend working out at a gym that has good child care. It's definitely good for you and can be fun when you get to know other moms there. I also agree with the finding a MOther's Day Out program. I couldn't make that work for me (we live way out and there's not one close enough) but I did start going to MOPS and LOVE it. It's just a couple of hours twice a month but it is a great boost! Another thing I do is plan a Girls Night (or day) Out from time to time. All my friends, even the ones that work outside of the home, need a break from husband and kids so there is always a great turn out!

Good luck!

most important of all spend time with your best friend....your huusband....remember you were a wife and friend first and will be that after the kids move out...spend time hanging out after the kids are in bed...dont worry about housework spend some time together
the time alone and with friends is good too

Man, I felt REALLY guilty for a time about that...I totally understand that but can't describe it without making it a whole essay. We were new to TX and didn't have family or friends and it was just really hard, even though I was happier in some ways than I'd ever been in my life, I still had that weird feeling that I was losing myself to my new responsibilities. When my son was a wee baby, I joined my local moms club which was really a life saver-there was time with real live grownups, guest speakers, child friendly outings, it was really nice. I also got a part time job (M-F my husband worked, Sat was family day, and so I worked a retail job on Sundays after church)-it wasn't really for the money, but it made me feel better that I was making my own little contribution (my checks went to our vacation fund) and talking to adults in a setting that had nothing to do with being a mom, and it helped my husband appreciate everything I do on a 6 day/week basis. That alone (my husband seeing what is involved in a day) made A HUGE difference. When my son was about half a year old I took up babysitting a neighbor who was the same age as my son, partly for the money and partly so my son could have a friend, so the Mom's club stopped. Now I'm a sahm and my calendar has found balance! My husband goes out once/month for a guy night to watch a fight or have a beer or whatever, and I do the same once/month with a friend of mine. We have date night together once/month (some say this should be more, but we're really busy and LIKE being parents, so we do family day every week instead of date night every week...our family dates are things like picnics and strolling through the botanical gardens, or...whatever...but we adults can connect WHILE watching and enjoying our son running around and having fun). During the week: On Mon am, Wed pm, Thurs pm, Fri am, and Sat am, I go to the gym and take part in a class there that I enjoy, and my son LOVES the kids club there. (REALLY loves it, and the head lady...that's at LA Fitness in Watauga). You do have to do some good checking though; find a place that is active and friendly. We do love that kids club at my gym though. On Tuesdays, my son has story time @ the library and small fry club at McDonalds (I'm with him so it's a mommy/me thing, but while he's playing at McDonalds, I am talking to another mom I've met there), and later that evening I attend a class at my church while my husband has daddy duty. On Wednesdays we go to Bible Study in the morning-the church provides free childcare during this time and we do our study and sometimes have lunch or coffee before picking the kids up, which is nice. Afterwards, I feel refreshed and ready to have a nice time with my son. On Thursdays, my son has gymnastics class which I was doing with him (but now I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband does it for me, and I watch and cheer, and take pictures). My husband gets to play tennis with an intramural type thing at his work once or twice a week. So we have busy weeks, but something special for all of us individually, and still some couples time and family time too. I think it's imperative to get exercise and eat/drink right, get your rest, and it's also an absolute must that you all have time to play in your own personal interests. You won't lose yourself that way, you'll just grow. Always a good thing.

=( J. you sound depressed! It makes me sad because I was in the same situation before I went back to work and school, and I know how you feel!

It's a horrible feeling, things that helped me is that I put my 2 year old in a mother's day out program at a local church, church programs seem to be the cheapest. I also joined 24 hour fitness, they have a kids club and my 2 year old loves it! I like to do the classes more than just the trendmill.

I got me time back and i can go to lunch with friends without feeling the guilt of leaving my daughter because she loves school and she loves the gym, so for me it was a great decision. I also get to study while she is at school.

Joining a mom's group is also a good idea to meet new people. Tell your husband how you feel, it will help you feel better.