Help About a Thank You or Not?????

I say you only give someone a thank-you card if they gave a gift or gift of money. It was nice of them to come, but you thanked them in person and that is enough. They should have given a gift. You probably paid for their meal and maybe drinks and stuff. You did enough.

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/etiquette/postings/wedd...

I found this using google. You are right about not needing to send a thank you for being a guest.

I think you should send a note anyway. It will just cost you a little bit of time and 42 cents. That's nothing compared to what it could cost you in the long run.

Congrats on the marriage!

I don't know much about etiquette, but I feel that if you want to send them a thank-you for showing up, that's above what's required. If you don't want to send them a card, that's fine. I also feel that you shouldn't feel guilty if you didn't send a card because you DID thank them... twice!

Maybe I'm just a bit nutty, but I think I would rather have a person-to-person thank-you, the way you did, than get a card in the mail.

B. - I agree with you. You invited them and I don't think that you really need to send a card to someone that just shows up to your wedding. BUT - I'm wondering if this is a small incident that will grow into something ugly down the way. Let's nip it in the bud right now.

If your brother and his wife feel that they are OWED a card, this might grow into a huge resentment, a family argument that didn't need to happen. So why not put an end to it now.

This is where you "make nice" and be the bigger person.

After all, you ARE thankful that they came, right? And you did tell them, right? If all they want is a simple card stating this fact, then spend the $3.00 on a card and send the Hallmark greeting to him.

But instead of sending him a regular Thank You card, find a nice Thanksgiving Day card and mail that. Pick one that talks about family and being thankful. Write in your own sentiment about how grateful you are to have him as a brother, mention a few things about him and his family that you love, and toss in the tidbit of how much it pleased you that they were able to attend your wedding and what that meant to you.

You are writing from the heart. You are telling your brother and his family what they mean to you, and you are sending them the THANK YOU card that they want.

It's an easy solution and a win win for everyone.

Plus, fun mail is something that can make a person's entire day wonderful.

It's a small gesture but so worth the effort!

Good Luck!
D. in milwaukee

I got married twice too. First with just our parents in front of a judge and then 6 months later with a big church wedding. I highly recommend that everyone do it that way. Takes a lot of pressure off the whole wedding when you're already married.

Anyway, your brother sucks. He and his family are being petty and rude. However, that being said, he is your family. Instead of sending a card, I would call him and confront him with what you heard. Not in an aggressive, mean way, but with a "Mom said you were upset I didn't send you a card. I'm sorry you felt that way because I was so happy to have you and your family at my wedding. Please accept my apology." That way you are acknowledging his hurt feelings but you are also forcing him to fess up to his whining to your mom behind your back. If he is still acting like a jerk after that, I say he doesn't even deserve a Christmas card.

Yes, attendance at a wedding, with or without a gift or card, *does* warrant a nice thank you card. Thank them for their time and travel, and for sharing your special day with you.

However, the fact that your brother did not even give a card is odd, and it's petty of him to be complaining about things behind your back.

I wouldn't send a thank you card! Especially to my own brother! They should know better and are being very childish.

Proper wedding etiquette requires every guest to bring a gift or a monetary gift. In return, the guests receive a night of good food and fun dancing. After the wedding, the bride and groom then mail thank you cards to those who gave actual "presents", not only their "presence" alone.

They ate and drank and danced at your wedding reception, I am assuming, plus you verbally thanked them - that is plenty.

I would let your mother and brother know this, as well as the fact that after a wedding, etiquette also allows up to one year for someone to send a gift. Tell them that when you receive a gift/gift card/monetary gift in the mail, then you will properly send a thank you card!

For the most part, I feel like it's ridiculous to send a thank you to someone for coming, especially such a close relative. If they are from farther away, they should have accepted travel costs as part of the family deal. It's appropriate to show gratitude for those who have traveled far, but that can easily be done in person.

That said...when we traveled for my sister's wedding, we spent almost $1000 flying home, another $300 on a rental car, I spent $200 on a dress for myself, another $200 having it altered (I was pregnant when we ordered the dress, then miscarried--altering it was expensive.), and my husband bought a suit to usher, which cost another $300. That's almost $2000, which made our $100 gift (a nice gift, by our family standards) feel paltry. BUT...we chose to live far away at that time, and I wouldn't have missed my sister's wedding for anything--or made her feel guilty for "making" us come!!! And, obviously, we brought a gift!

Oh well. He is just being petty. Let it go. If he really wants a thank you so bad. Send him one saying mommy says you need a big thank you for coming to our wedding- that you were invited to 2 times but only showed to once so thank you. Thought I would send you a little joke. Seriously though he is really being petty. I had a friend come to my wedding and she didn't bring a gift because of a money situation. She did however bring a card. I did send her a thank you. I believe sending a thank you is up to you. I have gone to weddings that no thank you's for anything was ever sent out. Who goes to a wedding without bringing a card-even if its a $1 one? You can send him a not telling him thank you for traveling so far to my weeding to keep the peice if you would like to.

Sorry, I am going to go against the grain here and say that everyone that gave you a gift and/or attended your wedding should receive a thank you. I agree that your brother is acting childish, but sometimes all people can offer you is their support--and that means more to me than a chip and dip bowl.

So I say, as hard as it is, write the note. (I like the idea of a nice Thanksgiving card, saying something like "One of things I am grateful for this year is family like you. I want you to know how much I appreciate your support at our wedding this summer. It would not have been the same without you there.")

If not for you or your brother, for you mom's sake :)

Yes, you should send a thank you note for attending your wedding. His presence alone should warrant a "thank you."

Now, if you did not send thank you notes to all the other guests who didn't send gifts, perhaps you should either:
A) Tell your brother this is how you decided to handle thank you notes, and verbally thank him for attending
B) Send thank you notes to all those guests who came but didn't give gifts

I'd opt for B), but either way, sounds like your brother wants some recognition for his attendance, which is not unreasonable (in my book).

For what it's worth, my sis attended my wedding and also gave no gift. I've never confronted her on it, but it was so bizarre to me. I sort of wonder if she thought it was weird for siblings to give wedding gifts... or else she just forgot... Who knows.

Congrats on your wedding!

I don't think you should have given them one. Thank you cards are generally for gifts, or if someone did something extra like help get the wedding set up, etc. They are a common courtesy and I think people are getting away from them because of email, texts, etc. but I still think they are important - but only for major contributors. :)

I got married about 3 yrs ago, and we had some distant travelers as well. I ONLY sent Thank You's to the people who gave a gift or card...to me that is COMPLETELY rude of them not to at least get the two of you a card.

Times are tight, I understand some of the people who can only afford the travel arrangements, but at least a card of well wishes is necessary in my book.

I completely agree w/ you, but because he is family you might want to just swallow your pride, and send one to ease family tensions. Don't get me wrong, I think you are correct, and I would be sooo annoyed w/ the situation!

Hang in there!

That sounds completely rediculous the way your brother is acting. They should know that weddings take a lot of work (and money) to plan and often the couple is very exausted afterward. I have never heard of sending thank-you cards to everyone who showed up to the wedding. I certainly didn't send thank you cards to my family for flying in, they were just happy to be there.

I like the suggestion Lindsey M wrote. Send a nice Thanksgiving card and tell them that you're thankful for his family and all the support you've been shown throughout this last year and at your wedding. If that doesn't help the hurt feelings from his side, then you'll need to "confront" him and find out what the real reason behind it is. Chances are, he'll see that he's being childish and needs to just get over it.
Congratulations on your wedding!

Yeah, it sounds a bit strange to me too, but since they're wanting a thank-you, go ahead and send them one and make it sincere with a little "sorry this is so late" either at the beginning or the end. ;)

I did no send thank you cards to every guest who attended my weddng.

That being said, it obviously means alot to your brother that you send him a thank you. So send one. A stamp costs a few cents. It is worth it, because a grudge over something trivial can last a lifetime.

I have never heard of such a thing either. We have attended several weddings lately an have been unable to afford a gift and we certainly didn't expect a thank you for showing up. I have also sent thank yous off the gift list, not off the guest list.

You should send them a thank you card for attending even if they did not give a card or gift. I agree it seems odd that they didn't at least give you a card, but they did travel to be at your wedding.

I have not heard of this, but got married 18 yrs ago, so it could be new. I only send thank yous for gifts, not for putting in an appearance. You and your new hubby probably spent more on them being at the wedding -food, etc than they spent getting there! So maybe they owe you a thank you!
S.

I considered it a gift that my family was able to attend my wedding. The material gifts were nice too, but the point of the public ceremony is to share the day with your friends and family, not to collect gifts. I say send a thank you for coming, especially if they came a distance or had to take time off work to come. Family is a gift we take for granted until they are gone.

B., I feel your pain. I was in the same situation. My advice - NO Thank you is necessary. They showed up and that's great - I'm sure you told them at the wedding it was great that they could be there. That was their Thank you. You thanked them when they showed uo. The reason you send thank yous out is for something you havn't seen yet (ie the gift). Just double check your gifts to make sure there was no card or anything. In my situation, my In-Laws decided our "gift" for the wedding would be letting my husband's step-brother ride along to the wedding with them. Mind you they did not help pay for any of the wedding, and his step-brother had made prior arrangements to go with another sibling. So we got nothing from my FIL or Step MIL. We, neddless to say, did NOT send them a thank you after double and triple checking to make sure they didn't leave a card or something. Good luck!

Send him the thank you note to keep the peace. Thank you's are for anything that you appriciate and his coming is something that you are thankful for. He will probably look at it as something your mom pushed you to do and will probably complain that it was a forced thank you, but that is his problem.

He should have brought a gift or card but that is his flaw. It is funny how people always expect so much from others (especially family) while not minding their own manners, isn't it? That is the reason behind so many fall outs in families, sadly enough. Someone feels slighted and hurt so they stop talking to that person. Please don't let this happen over something so trivial like a thank you card.

Ummm, not I would say. That's a bit ridiculous. But if you want to send one just to say hey we were excited you were able to make it to the wedding, or heck just call him for that matter and let him know you did not intend to upset him by not sending a thank you for coming, thank you notes just aren't done that way. That way the frustration doesn't grow on both sides by just letting the misunderstanding fester. No need to ruin a relationship over the matter. Everyone has their quirks and misconceptions. We just have to accept them as they are and choose not to let them get to us. Otherwise we're only upsetting ourselves.

Congratulations of the double wedding!

Since it's obviously a big deal to your brother, even if everyone else thinks it is silly, you might consider being the bigger person and writing a thank-you note for the sake of your relationship. In the grand scheme of things, would you want something so relatively small ruin it?

You are right, and they should have given you a gift.

No way. They don't need a thank you card! Ask them where your wedding card is first!!!

Hi B....
NOT...I am not Ms. Manners...but I was raised that IF someone GIVES you a gift OR does a kind gesture a Thank You IS in order...That is like having a Birthday Party and send out Thank You's to everyone that joined the party..Nope..Only those that give gifts or do a kind gesture..(example he stood at your guestbook or something like that..then yes a Thank You WOULD be in order)Hope this helps..and tell your husband he was on the ball..(His parents told him the correct way) SMILE

Normally, I don't think thank you notes are in order for someone coming your party. However, your brother is obviously wanting one. I would suggest sending him a note noticing the effort he made to be at your celebration. Tell him you love him and it means the world to you he took the time and money to be with you and your new love. I bet he will be so glad you noticed. it could change the dynamic of your relationship. Or not, at least you will know you did your part to say thanks.

Sending thank you cards is so old fashioned in my opinion, and a waste of money. I say thankyou in person, over the phone, or through a well written emial to someone if I want to thank them for something. every time I get a Thank you card I scan it smile and throw it away. It is way more meaningful to mingle with your guests and tell them how happy you are that they were able to come and be a part of your day. And if you really did not get a chance to spend time with them at your reception, then give them a call and tell them it was great that they could come and that you hope they had a good time. I think your brother is being a little self righteous by tattleing on you for not sending a thank you! I'd send one now just to overly thank him and hopefully he'll get the message that he was out of line.

Are they financially strapped? What's with a brother not giving his sister a wedding gift or at least a card? He's too cowardly to say something to your face, so pretend your mother never said anything to you. If he says anything to you ask, "Where's my card wishing me happiness in my wedding?" Honestly I've never heard of a man caring about etiquette like this. Is this really coming from him? Are you sure they didn't give you something that you didn't know was for them or a card that got lost? My niece got married this summer and sent me a card thanking us for coming, but didn't mention our cash gift. I think it was stolen but don't know what happened.

The same happened to me with my husband's side of the family-mother, father and his sister with her family. No gift yet upset they didn't get a thank you. Even though I have never heard of a thank you to every guest I sent them one after I heard the complaint anyway just to keep the peace. Some people are goofy about stuff like that.

You don't send thank yous to guests for coming-- you send them for gifts. Usually you thank people AT the wedding for coming, in which their standard reply is usually 'Thanks for inviting me!' End of story.