Help - Huntington,IN

It is my humble opinion that the father to thses two girls should be doing the discipline if he is there, and not you.
If the father is not there then I would suggest to you not to tell them what to do , but give them a choice. You didn't say how old the two girls were. So if they are mis-behaving say to them girls you have a choice--you can either stop doing thus and thus or you can take a time out in the chair, or you can give up going out to play., for the day, what will it be. Then folow through with the concequence, if they don't stop. Be consitent. It is not unsual for step-children to be defiant so be paitent, and stop yelling.
good luck

I am a step-mom of 11 years and have found out the hard way that I am ONLY a STEP parent and that the discipline really needs to be on dads shoulders. You are there to be a parental role model and be a "friend" but the hard stuff has to bio-dad. I took myself out of the situtaion to the point that if my husbands daughter wanted to do something she had to call him at work and ask his permission. Give it a try, lots less stress on you and maybe it will wake dad up as to how much you do help.

Good Luck!

I'm not sure about your situation, but their father, their mother (if she's in the picture), her partner (if there is one), and you need to be on the same page. They may be basing their behavior from being told by, say, a spiteful relative that they don't have to listen to you. One of you needs to find out if someone's selling them this load of nonsense, who it is, and tell them to KNOCK IF OFF.

In addition, daddy needs to back you up - when you got married you two became one. If he doesn't agree and its not a big deal (like what they're wearing in the house one day) he needs to talk it over with you privately - so private that the girls don't know that its even going on and figure out a solution for the next time. If daddy's going in behind you and "correcting" your disciplinary techniques, he's establishing for these girls how relationships work in a very inappropriate manner which is going to create an injustice for his daughters down the line. He's a parent and a spouse, not a BFF with a maid.

If your husband doesn't back you up, it's no wonder that his daughters don't mind you. He gives them the message that they don't have to do what you tell them. Speak to him about this. They aren't nearly as much to blame as he is.

I have the same problem with my husbands 8 yr old girl, she bucks me every time I tell her to do some thing and if I discipline her she only gets worse and so do I. Now I can discipline his other 2 children, we still have problems there, but we leave the spanking for last resort. I made a color wheel for discipline recently, there are 5 colors and green is good and red is last, that's a spanking with all priviledges taken away for a certain amount of time. the other colors in between are time taken away from fun activities. We step mom's get all the blame for every thing, we are not suppose to discipline our step children, but I stay home with them all day and they will be disciplined by me if at all neccessary. I don't put up with any thing and I don't let them get away with stuff. My husband is the one who lets them get away with a lot and that's why they buck me and very undisciplined. It's very hard and frustrating. It causes a lot of arguments. Make sure you and your husband are on the same level of communication and discipline and not showing favor towards a certain child or children. It's hard when their your children. Try to treat every child equally, (easier said than done), but there will be less strife. If you and your husband are not on the same page with the children then any thing you try is not going to work b/c the kids know they can go to "daddy" and get what they want. It happens all the time in my home. It's hard when the dad is the softy and doesn't want to make the children mad at him, but if you love your children, discipline them. If they are not disciplined then they will never respect people in authority. I'm just giving you some of my advice what I got through on a daily basis. Keep working at it. God bless.

I think knowing the ages of the children would be helpful, as would the information on do they live with you full time or just come for visits.

A lot of it is attention and control for them, like it is with all children. Yelling at them is a waste of your time, energy, and it gives them exactly what they want, you out of control and them in control. It allows them the ability to cause a problem between you and your husband. It is also not acceptable because you children see you being manipulated and will soon learn to treat you the same way and will use the same methods to divide you and your husband.

You have to decide not to allow them to be in control. Talk to your husband calmly about it, not in front of them, and come to some kind of arrangement with him about how to handle the situation. He has to support you and then the two of you need to sit down and tell the children you are in charge if he is not there. They are children, you are the adults, and they will be punished if they are not going to mind. If they are hitting, biting, kicking, etc. then tell them they will A) not be allowed to participate in family activities and B) you might have to call social services/police to protect the other children and will do so. Do not make this a threat, make this a reality. You also need your husband to explain to their mother disobeying will not be allowed to continue.

Example: Put up a chart, when you ask the child to do something and they do it they get a star, the second time you do not ask them to do something you tell them and they get a check mark if they do it, the third time you tell them there is a punishment involved like no dessert or snack for them when everyone else has one. If it is a matter of picking up after themselves and they won't do it don't yell, just pick the stuff up, put it in a bag and they don't get to have it back for a few weeks. If they don't want to get dressed and you have to go someplace I guess they will go in their pajamas. If they won't go to time out or their room when told you have to ignore them until your husband gets home then sit him down, explain what they did/didn't do calmly (and calmly is the key here) and he and you together need to go to the guilty child with him standing behind you and you then put them in time out or their room for double the time orginially set upon. Punishments include game time with dad and the rest of the family, being put in their room when the rest of you are watching a movie together, or being left home with a sitter while the rest of you go out someplace (and this can be as little as going to the park for an hour or so to going to a fast food place for a hamburger or ice cream to as major an outting as a trip to the zoo.)

You also have to reward good behavior with something when a certain amount of stars are gained. Rewards can be for every ten stars they earn the right to pick out a Saturday night favorite dinner or dessert, a dollar, or they get to pick out a movie for the whole family to watch or a game for the whole family to play. Set the rewards and punishments and make them for all of the children involved.

Whatever you decide to do remember you and your husband have to decide on the reward and punishment chart together and he has to support you. If you are yelling you are putting him on the defensive as well and you have just lost the support you need.

I will pray for all of you.

P. R

It would be helpful to know how long you have been in this role with the girls. However, I must agree with most of the advice here. Their dad will have to be the primary authority figure. Before you can pass discipline, you are going to have to make a relationship with them. I agree that they should 'mind' you, however, in order to earn respect, you must give it. It sounds like they are not doing much to get your respect, but you are the adult, so show them by example. You can help teach them how to respect you by respecting them. I'm not sure if their mother has anything to do with the situation or not. I've been a step mom for 4 years. The begining was rough, but we made it through. We have been together for almost 5 years and the kids were used to me before becoming 'mom'. My situation is slightly different where, 2 of his children are with us full time and the other 2 stay with their mom. So, we basically almost have 2 sets of rules. However, we are consistent. In the begining, he had to be the final desicion maker with his kids. After we all formed a good, solid relationship, I was able to start in the process. The whole time, however, when a problem had to be handled, my husband would let them know that 'we' made this desicion and this is the rules of 'our' house. Even though he might have spoke the rules, we made them together. He made it a point that all of the children (mine and his) understood that we are in this together. Eventually, all of the children learned that and obey both of us. His ex-wives weren't always the best at 'backing' us up on anything, which made it more difficult. If thats the case for you, it might make things a little harder.
I hope it all works out!
D.

Hey A.! Touchy topic, but I'll tell you this from experience. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my mom remarried right away. I HATED my step dad... I would literally get in fist fights with him when I was in my teen years. And when I was younger, I just ignored him and went on about my own things and told him the always great line "you're not my father!". First step, stop yelling it won't work EVER! I promise you that. And it only causes conflict between you and your husband. Next step, talk to your hubby about this and see what his opinion is on how you should handle the children. Next, if he has no opinion or you don't agree on a mutual point. Try talking to them first. Go to them and just ask them, what's going on? (most kids won't say a word some will spill their guts!) But show that you do care, and your don't want to be the "Evil step mom". If they won't stop doing whatever it is that they are doing and listen to you, then send them to their rooms, put them in time out if they aren't to old, find another alternative! No TV, no Phone, No internet. If nothing ever works then you need to resort to someone they will listen to, their father. When he gets home, don't run and tattle on them or anything, but explain to him the situation and ask for help. Hopefully this means you can sit down at the table with the children, and speak to them as a united front. One of the most important things I believe in a step parent relationship is for the child to know that Dad is going to be united with Step-mom on the rules. Rules are Rules and you BOTH set them up for ALL of hyour children.
Let me tell you what happens if you just let it go.
I ran over my step dad literally. I mean from the time they were married until the day I moved out and went to college I just ignored him and fought with him all that I possibly could. The reason why? My mom always let me get what I want, he was the only one who wanted me to follow any rules. I worked my biological parents over, because both of them wanted me to live with them so they gave me what I wanted no matter what it meant. The good part is this, when I left for college our relationship became golden. We were closer then ever. He gave me advice and it was my opinion to take it or not. I had no more rules, I paid for it all myself. He and I were so close. My biggest regret in life is that I did treat him how I did when I could have had this relationship all along if I just would have listened. And yes I found out he was right. He died Jan. of 2007 from cancer. And it wasn't until then that I realized how important he was in my life. I really am the person I am today because of him, and I realized that it is mostly because of him. Okay sorry to much sap! Hope it helps though!

Hi A.. I have 2 step sons of my own. When we were first married, they didn't live with us and then we moved out of state and they came. The only thing that can work is if your husband backs you up. If there is any hesitation there, they will never listen to you.
Good Luck. being a step mom is the hardest thing I have ever done!!!!

My favorite book on parenting right now is "Respectful Parents Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation" by Sura Hart and Victoria Hodson. Maybe it will help you too. It's all about establishing connection with the child.

Go to LoveandLogic.com and find resources about parenting using Love & Logic techniques.

I agree with dr. Phil on this one. It is up to the father to
be the disciplinary. He needs to make sure they know they
have to obey you when he is away and anytime you are giving
the rules. Is he around and see they not abey you? He needs
to step in and make sure they know they have to obey you.
Are the boys and girls around the same age? Do they have the
same rules?

I would highly recommend reading a book called "Love and Logic" Parenting. Try checking it out of the library, or you could purchase it, it would be worth owning. I used this type of discipline as a 23 year old high school teacher in an inner city environment. I also use it as a mother of 3 children.

Until you can read the advice for yourself, I would suggest not yelling at your children. It shows them that they have "won" the power battle, and you are out of control. I am not sure how old your children are, but if they are very young, I have found that time outs for disobedience are effective. For babies and very young toddlers, 18 mos to 2 years, removing them from a dangerous situation over and over and redirecting them in a positive way (like a broken record) is all you can expect in terms of them obeying. For older children, other natural consequences seem to be effective. Let the consequence to the teaching. An example of this: Your kids leave their toys all over the place and you want them to start picking up. Don't nag them about it. Simply get a box, pick up all the toys and put them in a box. Tell your children that they will have to pay you for your time to get the toys back. Say something like, "How sad. It looks like you got distracted and left your toys out. I had to spend time picking them up, so you'll have to pay me for my time to get the toys back." (Don't yell it, simply state what YOU are going to do.) If the toys remain in the box for a week, give them to charity. Don't yell and don't lecture. My first year of teaching, my students were constantly forgetting to bring a pencil to class and I was so overwhelmed will having to lend out 10 pencils per class times by 6 classes. It was out of hand, and it was causing a problem for me. So my second year of teaching, I decided that I was never going to lend anyone a pencil. Sure enough, the first week of school, several kids asked to borrow a pencil. Did I yell at them and tell them they were irresponsible? No, but I also didn't let them off the hook and baby them by giving them a pencil. I said, "Oh I'm sorry. I don't have extra pencils. I sure hate it when I forget my things." Guess what, after the first week of school, NOBODY forgot their pencils! The book I recommended will give all kinds of common scenarious like this one, and things you can say to let the natural consequence do the teaching. There is also a version of the book for younger children called "Love and Logic Magic from birth to 6 years."

The other suggestion is not to threaten over and over again. You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. When we give empty threats, children (even toddlers and preschoolers) are very smart and know that you can't back up your threat.

My last and most important suggestion is that you and your husband calmly talk about this in advance, not in the heat of the moment. Read the book together and come up with a script of what you will say when your child makes a bad choice. When you are united in your discipline, it will be so much more effective. The word discipline comes from a root word that means to teach. When we discipline our children with love as our motivating drive rather than anger, our intention is to teach them proper ways to behave. When we as parents promote bad behavior, we are actually doing our children a disservice. They have to know to behave to succeed in school and in society as a whole.

I hope this gives some suggestions. Good luck!

Hello A.,
The reason I wanted to respond to you on this is b/c I was a step child growing up with a Step mom that was 9 years older than I. At the time I was in 4th or 5th grade. I did not care for her and felt as though she was taking my dad away from me. I am not sure how old your step children are but this could be the way they are feeling. I have learned to tolerate her but she still bothers me just because I see how hard my dad works so that their family can survive and he is so tired but I am now 32 and understand things a little better. I am not real sure of a good way to advise on discipline but I know when I was younger and she would yell at me I did not take it serious. I fought with her on a daily basis I guess at the time I did not respect her as I should but it had my dad and I by ourselves up until that time. So that is why I think I truly felt she was taking him away from me. They did seem fairly happy when I was younger but they did struggle with me. I was really bad about playing my parents against each other. I did wish at times I could break them up but now that I am older I see that it was not such a good idea and was not going to work anyway. I am not sure if this helps at all but I thought I could give you some insight on what I felt at the time. Hang in there if they are teenagers it is a tough time for them as it is..and if your 4 year old and 2 year old are their dad and your children that could also make them feel distant as well. Maybe have a special day just for them and just talk with them kind of as a friend but still have the strength of a mother. Maybe also explain to them that you understand that you are not their mother and you are not trying to be their mother but you do also need their respect, help and understanding. You may also say something along the lines of would you talk to your mom or disrespect your mom the way you do with me. Explain that you want to help them with thing and be a special part of their life. I am once again sorry if this does not help but these are just the things that I can remember feeling with a step parent and the things that we lacked at the time. I hope the suggestions help and good luck. Discipline also plays a big part in any childs life...I can say that my half brother and sister are NOT respectful in anyway..I thougut it would get better as the years went on but it has not they are 16 and 12. Just keep the discipline the same for all your children and keep it consistant so they understand that it does not matter if it is your child or his they are all being treated equally

I think that your husband needs to have a talk with the kids. They need to understand that since you are married when he is not there they are to mind you. No, you are not their mother, but you are his wife and he trusts you with the children. Beside that, you are the adult and they should respect and obey you for that reason alone. You two need to be united, on the same page, so to speak. My children are grown, but my husband and I had to discipline and reward the same way so the kids knew what to expect from us.

It sounds to me like your step-daughters are playing you. They pit you against your husband so that you will fight with each other. You need to talk to your husband about setting some ground rules. You have every right to set rules and boundraries with your step-daughters, but if you don't have the support from your husband, it will be a moot point. They WANT you to fight with your husband. Don't give them the satisfaction. Let them know that YOU and your husband set the rules and there will be consequences for their actions. Another suggestion would be not to yell. it gives them fuel and they know it frustrates you. Talk in a firm, authoritive tone and If they still don't mind you, have your husband step in and do something about it. You and your husband HAVE to work together. good luck and i hope everything works out for you.

As Doctor Phil would say, "How's that workin' for you?" Quite obviously, it ISN'T working so S T O P doing it!!!!! Do the stepdaughters live with you and you have to discipline them during the day while their Dad is at work? Or is this just a weekend thing? I think the current thinking on this subject is that YOU don't do the disciplining of these girls - let their Dad do it. They resent you and yelling at them is NOT going to help the situation - I think you/hubby need some counseling so you ALL understand what's going on here!!!!!
I'm a 71-year-old great-grandmother.

Hi A., Don't yell at them. Earn their respect first. Show them love, even when you may not feel it. They have probably been through a lot. Try to be friends. Guide but don't push. Hubby needs to be supportive and vice versa. Couseling would probably be very helpful. Hope this helps. God Bless! N. L.

I think that you and your husband have to come up with a good plan so you back each other up- and then follow through with it being as consistent as possible; Also- try not to yell even though it must be difficult!! Try and focus on something positive with each child -maybe individual time(shopping together, art time, etc). Hope this helps!

Dad needs to back you up when you make decisions. If he doesn't respect and uphold what you have laid out for your step children, they will feel that it is acceptible to undermine your authority. I assume that you have a lot on your shoulders with four kids. I hope thinks start working smoother for you!

Your husband, their dad is going to have to get on board, your team and join together to lay down the rules.

I am a step mother of 6 (3 2 boys 16 &12, 4 girls 17,15,14 and 9) and a mother of 1 of my own. It is hard being a step mother- trust me I know. But I have learned that you need to be firm with them and let them know that in your house their are rules that they need to follow. You need to talk to your husband about this in private. Letting the kids see you fight is just giving the kids more reasons to upset you two and have you fight. Sit down with them and tell them that you are in control of the house and they will have to follow the rules. Don't back down and don't let them see that they are getting to you in any way. I use to have the same problem with the oldest boy and the 14 yr girl, I just made a point to call them out on rules they didn't follow and they dad let me handle it. Eventually they saw that I wasn't going to back down and that I meant business and their dad wasn't getting in the middle of it. I think us as step mothers need to take control of these situations and show that we mean what we say. To this day all of my step kids call me mom and we all get along great. My oldest boy won't come in the house or leave without giving me a hug and saying hello or goodbye. They just need to see that you mean business, they will come around but just don't let them see you get upset and DEFINITELY don't let them see you and your husband fight. It's will take some time but it will all work out for the best. Just love them like you love your own and they will come around.

Sounds like it's time for a family meeting. You husband needs to step up and say that when the stepdaughters are in your home, they must follow the house rules. And you and your husband need to agree on what those rules are and what the consequences are for breaking house rules. Then together you have to Communicate those rules. Keep in mind that there are also loyalty issues, you are not their mother (is she in the picture?) but they need to obey just as they would if you were a teacher. Don't try to out-mother them, find a way to bond with them, something that can develop a special connection between you, some experience they never had before.

Have you tried time out or taking tv time from them or taking game time from them?
Staying calm and not raising your voice is a must.They have to learn to respect you and your husband has to back you up or it won't work. Hopefully you two don't argue or fight about the subject in front of the girls. That will never get them to respect you if they think their dad doesn't.The main thing is to be consistant and think before you answer or dole out punishment because you can't change it or let them off the hook or they won't take you seriously.Pick your battles! It doesn't pay to argue or fight over little things, so pick them wisely.For example, don't argue over small things like jackets. They don't want to wear one and you think they should.They are the ones that will suffer if they choose not to wear it and then they realize you were right and you make brownie points even if they don't tell you you were right.And don't gloat over the fact you were right if it comes to that.
Well hope this helps.Don't be their friend be the parent. They have enough friends.You can be all things to your children but you have to be the adult first. You and your husband have to be on the same page with the punishment and agree on what rules should be enforced.Good luck and God Bless.

I don't have step-children but I am a step-child! I would suggest that your husband, their father, step in. You need his support and the girls need to know that you two are a team, united. If the rules are the same for them and the boys, all is "fair" so to speak... I think it would be helpful for you all to have a sit down and have the father explain that they are to listen to you and treat you with respect, making sure to include how you feel about them... loving them like your own, not trying to take the place of their mother, wanting to have a relationship with them (depending on what your individual case may be). Their father definitely needs to be in this. That's my experience as a step-daughter!

If the children are younger (up to age 5) I really recommend Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Great discipline advice in that book. It talks about working with kids, instead of "doing to" them.

If the kids are older (4 and up), I really like Secret of Parenting by Anthony Wolf.

Good discipline is based on connection. Find a way to work on the connection between you and your stepdaughters. If you are punishing right now, I'm sure that is hurting much more than it is helping (in other words, it's counterproductive- punishment has a good chance of making them resist your discipline even more). Both books that I recommended talk about how to effectively discipline kids without punishments, threats, yelling, etc.

Oh, and btw discipline and correction do NOT equal punishment.

Good luck!

A....Sounds like you need some counseling with your husband. First of all, you both need to agree on discipline. You need to do this alone..Set some rules. These children resent the fact that you are in the picture, or just maybe their parents could get back together. (I have been in your shoes). If your husband fails to be together with you on this I see the marriage going on the rocks. Also, do not yell and shout at them. Take away privileges. Good luck..it is not going to be easy.

M. B.

I am reading a parenting book Called parenting with dignity, I just over half way through. His bigest point is "mean what you say and say what you mean." This meaning don't hand out concequences unless you're going to follow through. Once you don't follow through they know that for next time. Another big thing is asking them to help you, instead of just demanding. I have seen this work with my neice, she has the I can't do it about everything. I have found if I ask her to help me pick up the house she does it willingly, then of course I praise her on how well she did. That way she knows that she is a valued person.

A.,

You may not be the girls' mother, but you are the adult in charge of their well-being. Stop yelling and begin a conversation with your step daughters. To do this, your husband needs to be by your side. He should be with you at every step so the two of you can have a united front. Let him know his support of your authority is essential and if he can't respect you enough for that, you'll never see any improvement. Talk to your husband alone about what you want the girls to accomplish. Talk about which battles are good battles to wage and what ones are not so important.

Together, you need to sit down with your children - not just your stepdaughters - all the children and tell them it's a new day. Without anger, let them know you BOTH are in charge. Lay down the rules and give them examples of consequenses. Find a calm level way to tell them things are going to change and why things need to change. Raising children in a chaotic household is not fair to them or to you.

Good luck to you

It depends on the age of the children when you entered their lives and also how long you've been their step-mom. However, for the most part, you can not discipline them. Yes, they should mind you, but you can't honestly expect to suddenly appear one day and be the boss of them if they are older. Most child/family experts will tell you this. It's one of the biggest mistakes blended families make. The biological parent needs to be the primary disciplinarian. They have no respect for you so they won't listen to you. Think about it from their perspective... if you were 14 years old and used to it just being dad would you listen to some strange lady he decided to bring into the family and treat her like 'mom' overnight? Probably not. It takes time and until the respect and bond is established then dad needs to do most of the disciplining. Most important of all, you and your husband need to get on the same page and support each other.

In my experience, yelling never works. It only serves to make you lose control, giving substance to the children's complaints about you.

Children are often naturally suspicious of new spouses. They have their own baggage that comes along with divorce and remarriage. It's important to help them learn to trust you and to know that they can come to you with problems, and trust you to help them, forgive them, and love them.

Try talking to the girls when there isn't an issue going on, when all is quiet. Tell them you're concerned, and ask them if they can help you find a way to communicate more effectively. Tell them that you want to have a harmonious household for the entire family, and that you want to get to know them, and you want them to get to know you too. Let them know that you have made a lot of mistakes, and you hope they can help you avoid doing that in the future. Let them know that you don't like behaving the way you have been, because it makes you feel sad. You are not being yoruself when you yell, and you want to build a good relationship with them.

Be free with the hugs and praise when they do something good, and let them know that you're all working on this situation together.

Try to avoid criticism at all costs. An offer of assistance works better for anyone than degrading criticism does. It's like catching more bees with honey than with vinegar.

Try to see things from their perspective, and to understand why you get negative reactions from them in the difficult situations. Their parents stopped loving each other, so they might be afraid that the love their parents have for them might be in jeopardy too. They need someone who can understand that.

Children are usually eager to help solve a problem, and if you treat them with respect and give them a chance to help you find a solution, you'll have a better chance of having a harmonious family.

Good luck! I hope to hear that things are changing for the better for your family.

These children need to respect and obey you like their own mother and your husband needs to back you up. There should be no yelling- just a calm matter-of-fact attitude on your part. Children want the last word- let them have it, just make sure they then do what you have told them to do.
I'm not sure what kind of things you are talking about, but let's say two of the kids are fighting and you tell them to stop or you both go to your rooms. (if they share a room, make it separate rooms for punishment) If they ignore you, then you should stop them physically without saying much or getting upset and gently pull one to their room and then the other.
Or, if you have told one to clean up the kitchen and they have refused- send him to his room for the rest of the night and make it a stipulation that he will spend the next night in his room and so on until he decides to clean up, then walk away.
If you and your husband do not agree on what these kids should or should not be doing, then you need to get it straight from him what he wants and then, both stick to it.

You didn't even mention the ages of the step daughters. Response will vary based on age. AND.....above all....make sure DAD IS ON THE SAME PAGE AS YOU ARE AND THAT HE IS INVOLVED IN THE DISCIPLINE.

DO what you say! If you tell them you're taking away a priviledge or they can't go someplace, make sure & stick to it whether it's convenient to you or not! CONSISTENCY and being able to believe what you say are KEY! Besides that, you lose respect when you don't follow through. They think you're a pushover and they'll end up getting what they want no matter what..especially if that's what's been happening.

Do you have these girls all the time?
This is something that you and your husband must address together.
You and he should have the same expectations for all the children.
You both need to be on the same page.
It is quite natural for him to feel guilt about the breakup of his relationship with their mother but that does them no good when they are with you.
Don't yell at them.
You and your husband need to formulate reasonable house rules that all the children are expected to obey.
Such as:
No fighting.
No name calling.
Picking up toys and belongings.
Respect for property.
Going to bed on time.
Staying in the yard.
Limiting TV.
and so on.....as applies to your home.
Are you and he doing things with the children, playing and so on?
If your husband will not cooperate then I suggest that you get counseling or at least read some books on stepparenting and disciplining children.
The public library will have them.
It takes work every day to nurture a family.
I wish you the best.

Try being their friend. Let the father be the authority figure right now. You need to build a relationship with them first. Get their respect, then they will listen. It took my man quite some time. My husband died and he had big shoes to fill. I truly feel for you and understand, but you can't just step in and take over in just a few weeks or even months.
Be patient. Time will tell. Good Luck and God Bless