Frustrated Coparenting My Step Kids with Their Dad

Unfortunately, some of the behaviors you mention in the stepkids just goes with the turf for that age group (I have a 12 & 15 year old). I understand you're wanting to be consistent with rules, but from my experience with this age, you really have to pick your battles and the homework at the desk is one that I would just let go. I, too, would love my 15 year old to use his desk (he has a nice one in his room), but he would rather lay on his bed and do his homework - I can't fathom how he can do a decent job that way. But, as your husband says, as long as he gets the work done and gets decent grades, I would let it go. These are your husband's children and it is up to him to be the primary parent, but he absolutely should not be verbally attacking you in front of his kids - that's not at all acceptable and that's likely to be the thing that has the biggest impact on your daughter. Your best option might be family counseling, as it's clear there's some differences of opinion on what your role is as a step-parent.

Have you tried saying this to your husband? Maybe he needs to be reminded that consistency is the best thing you can do for your children and since its been so long since he's had a toddler you should remind him that they are like sponges. Its okay to say you don't want some of your step kids behaviors passing on. After all, aren't we supposed to evolve and get better at the things we do? Take a deep breath and communicate with your husband. :)

At the risk of sounding quaint, I will say this, "a house ununited, does not stand". I have been there and I have to say that you HAVE to show a united front or the kids, the 2 yr old too, will wreck havoc on your life. Try totalkto dh in private and express your concerns. It may take some negotiating and meeting him in the middle but you have to be united. Your step kids will learn to treat you as dh does, so will your 2 yr old. Maybe even marriage counseling before things get out of control. It is not an easy thing to deal with. We have raised a houseful of kids, yours, mine, ours, others, etc. There are times when I wanted to pull my hair out but once we got a united front going, things were definately much better.

Hi T.,

I can relate. I've been married for almost 4 years. I am a step mother to twin girls who are 8. I have biological twin boys who are 2. My step daughters are very hard headed and high strung. They fight very frequently, yell a lot, and don't listen. I share the same strategy for keeping them quiet so my boys can get a decent nap-I put them in front of a television. The television is the only thing I can find that will keep my girls quiet. The girls are disrespectful to each other and don't mind very well. It's often that they have to be told multiple times to do something and then only obey if a punishment is threatened. Sometimes I think they have no desire to please me or my husband. My husband is supportive of my rules, but he doesn't always enforce them. He is more of a pushover and I am the bad guy.It seems that he just doesn't hear or see the behavior or if he does, it doesn't bother him the way it does me. I have the same concern that you have. I don't want the girls' bad behavior to be learned by my boys. I also don't want the girls to grow up to be disrespectful people. Now that I've painted a terrible picture of the girls, I have to add that they are also beautiful, loving, smart people. I wish that side of them would come out more often. I just wish I could forgive their faults as easily as I can my boys. It is SO hard to be a step parent. I dare say it's one of the least rewarding jobs around. All of the responsobility and none of the credit. I can't offer you a solution, but I can let you know that there is someone out there who feels your pain. I'm glad to know that's true for me too.

W.

Hi T.,
I can feel your pain. I also have two step-children that my husband seems to "partially" co-parent. They are not verbally disrespectful BUT it is very apparent that it's a battle trying to get cooperation out of them. I also have four other children and it sometimes makes me feel bad because I enforce the rules with mine and tend to TRY to lean on my husband to assist with his. Sometimes I want to give up, but I started counseling to help me cope with the frustrations. The only solution is that your husband has to be ready FIRST to see his issue, then and only then can the two of you work TOGETHER to correct this misbehavior. Have you tried taking yourself out of the picture for a few hours and letting him work with the kids? Does he condone the bad language etc. from the kids?...if so then you may have a harder time getting him to change. Good luck and keep your head and heart strong!!!

mom of six!!!

First, you and your husband need to be on the same page. Kids need structure and discipline. It might be a good time to readdress the rules and see which ones you want to keep, toss, or update (like homework can be done on the bed or in the kitchen but no tv).

It is imperative that any disagreement about these things be done outside the kids' presence or they won't take you seriously. If they live with you (even if it's just during visitation), you are their step-mom and they need to respect you. Your husband is doing you a disservice by questioning you in front of them. The kids won't learn how to respect you or other women if their example (dad) isn't doing so.

With that said, is it possible that the rules are too strict? Also, the kids are at an awkward and traditionally difficult age so there will be dissension and boundary testing. Kids are kids so get with dad to get on the same page and show a united set of rules, standards and consequences. Good luck!