"Having It All"

I understand how overwhelming it is to try to work and raise children and still live a "normal"life. I have 3 children 6, 7, and 8 who are very needy, I also work 45 hours a week on a demanding (24hour on-call) job. My husband at times catches the short end of the stick. What we do to prevent the drought in our marriage is plan dates. We schedule time for us to get away and enjoy one another. We also plan family time to ensure the kids get the attention they need from both of us.

I had to change my outlook on life to get here. I had to make my family my first priority and recognize that my career is ultimately a means to an end.

As for your husband turning forty - my husband went through some sort of mid-life crisis when he turned forty. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that he realized there were alot of things that he could do at 20 that he can't do at 40 and it was killing him on the inside. It passed over time but a little support from me went a long way.

I said all of that to say that you make the priorities in your life. If you really love your husband and want your marriage to last you have to put him first (well, second after God). You'll find that as soon as your priorities and attitude change about what's really important, your marriage will take a turn for the better. As for being spread to thin - do what you can do and let the rest wait until you can get to it! Life is too short for you to be stressed all of the time!!

Good luck and God bless!!

I will spend the weekend at your house while you have time together if you like.
I love you both.

Hi N.,take time for your self and husband. You have 2 teenage girls let them babysit at times. Your husband is 40 and going through a time hisself. My friend calls it " time out for marriage" just a 2 hr ride for ice cream and maybe a couple of smooshes in the car could be just what your hubby needs.Remember he also has a lot on his mind. his job and the way monies is going now days, 2 teenage daughters, you maynot see it, but it is all up in his head. And for your self. one hour of coffee with a friend, a walk in the park (alone) go to a local mall get one of those free make up session. It sounds hard but there is some time out there, you just havent found it yet. You know the siren on tv that says " this is only a test" and it is, but dont waite till the real thing because it might be too late.....You'll be fine.

I hear you on being torn between time with your husband and time with your kids/friends/job/housework/etc...We moms are streched to the hilt and it doesn't even usually include time for ourselves (I haven't had a haircut since November!!). My husband and I have the same issue. I think the key is to make the most of the little things. Like maybe watching t.v. together snuggled on the couch or sneaking a private time 10 minutes before the morning alarm goes off. A scheduled datenight might work, too, as long as you keep the date. It might also be good to combine some of those conflicting interests, like having dinner with your friend and her husband/partner and your husband, that way you can still be with your husband and maintain your relationship with a girlfriend.

Hope this is helpful. N. T.

This may sound really old-fashioned, but your commitment and relationship with your husband is so important, even more important than your relationship with your children. Your children will grow up and out, leaving you and your husband to find yourselves and your paths together. Schedule some dates with him, maybe your daughters can babysit? I have a 2 year old, she goes to a moms morming out on Fridays and I go have lunch with my husband. Yes, I can be using that time productively (laundry, anyone?), but I choose to be with him. I like him, and it reminds me why I married him in the first place.
Talk with your doctor about the intimate part -- maybe your hormones are off. Seriously.
Read Marriage Builders for some great advice.
Good luck.

I have often felt stretched to thin trying to "have it all" I have 3 children, a 13yr, 8yr and 7 month old. I have been married 13 years and the last thing on my mind lately is a intimate relationship with my husband. Your story sounds similar to mine. I work part time and try to balance everything. One of the things you wrote stuck me and maybe in what I have to say here will give us both a little pep talk. In saying "other people seem to manage, why can't I" I feel that you are comparing yourself to other women. I have also done this and here is what I have come up with. Many people may look like they have it all together on the outside but can we really see what goes on behind the scenes. I think if you try to compare yourself with other women/ mothers you will always sell yourself short as I have done on many occasions. We all have different circumstances and I have found that if you really knew everything about the people you compare yourself to we will find that they are feeling exactly the same way, "frustrated" and spread to thin. I have a friend who always seems to have it all together, and the difference between her and I is that she only has one child. How would it really be for her if she had three. We all are at different points in our life and I'm sure you seem to have it all to all the other women/mothers who are comparing themselves to you. Keep your chin up and know that you are not alone. My husband and I have a standing date for lunch every Wednesday which lately is about all we see of each other. I know he is feeling neglected but at this point (at least for a little while) he is just going to have to understand that I have a child that is totally dependant on me.

Hi N.!

Though I haven't been married as long as you have . . .my husband and I have found a couple of things that we do to help keep us connected during these busy times of our lives.

For one, once we get our kids to bed at night, we like to play a game..usually a card game or scrabble or something that is fun and competitive. It has become a big challenge to us to see who is going to win:)

Also, with all the technology out there right now. . .we have found a way to use it to our benefit. Since my husband works in a different town from here, it is hard to meet for lunch, so when we can we schedule a "lunch date" and use our yahoo accounts online to play a game and talk. Yahoo Messenger on line is free and it allows you to have IM (Instant Messaging), which then allows you to play the games. This has been fun for us and gives us each a break in the day. He only has a 30 minute lunch, so it doesn't take a lot of time from my other commitments, but still allows that "bonding" time!

We also use text messaging just to send little notes to say "I love you" or "thinking of you" messages.

These are a couple of things that we have done lately that have been really helpful. And just remember that you are not the only one out there that is going through things like this. Everyone has become so busy in life it is sometimes hard to remember what comes first!

Good Luck!

Hi N.,
This is a hard situation. I don't know if you're religious at all, but my first line of defense is (or at least I try to make it) prayer. That has helped me in more ways than I can count.
It is really hard to try to "have it all" or do it all. I can relate in some ways to how you feel--I have a 5mo, and I feel like I have lost connections with everyone else. That being said, it is really important that your husband feel loved. The moping can be annoying, but something is going on inside him that needs strength, support, and reassurance from you. I know it is not easy to lavish him with affection right now, but it seems like he really needs it.
Aside from prayer, I'd suggest that you get the entire family involved in lavishing your husband with affection. It will make it easier on you, he might feel better, and it might end up being fun. Plus, he'll remember how great you made him feel, and he'll be more likely to support you when you're struggling.
Best of luck to you!

Hi N.,
I think most men go through some kind of 40ish blues. Mine was very insecure and needy at that time also. They really start to evaluate their home lives and professional lives and it can cause a lot of stress at home. If you and your husband are good communicators you should be able to make it through this. It just another life stage we must experience. BE patient, try to be understanding, and make whatever time you can for your relationship. His attitude should get better soon.

I do remember going through some of that myself. One thing I would suggest is sitting down and listing what is the top priority in your life. Then, start making time for those things in that order. Maybe you are working too much. Maybe you need to send the kids to a sitter and have a night out with hubby to reconnect. It does take work as the family grows....but if you don't, one day you may wake up and find those important things...family, husband, etc...are gone.

You will have to make a choice sometimes. And, it will feel at first like you are cheating someone else. But, honestly....isn't your husband more important than work or friends or even other family memebers?? Also, make some time for just you to re-energize yourself. Spend a day at a local spa or just reading a book at home. Something for YOU...if you keep running yourself ragged, you aren't enjoyable or able to do your other jobs.

Good luck, dear. I feel for you...but it can be much happier!!!

N., I've been married for 18 years and have 3 daughters: 14, 11 and 18 months old. I also work 32 hours a week. I fully understand where you're coming from. If I don't make time for my husband's and my relationship, it just doesn't happen because there are so many other responsibilities that get in the way.

You need to make time for your husband. Not necessarily alot of time, but I'd say at least once every couple of weeks go out by yourselves. Have your older children watch your two year old and just spend couple time. You'll be surprised at how much closer you'll feel to your husband. If you don't do this, you'll drift further apart, and that's no good for either of you.

My husband I go out at least once a month. We don't do anything expensive. Sometimes it's just out for coffee, so we can talk. It makes me feel closer to him, and want more intimacy. I hope this helps!

N.:

There is ebb and flow in every marriage, regardless of how long you've been together and the challanges you've faced. Sometimes, we have "had it all"; We have money to do what we want- the kids are doing what they are supposed to do, work is great, I can't wait to be with my husband blah blah blah- then sometimes it all becomes overwhelming. I look at my husband like "do I know you?" baby's not sleeping/eating/sick, big brother is needing more of me and work is a challange. Sometimes I pat myself on the back when I get out the door on time. when life is like this, it tests marriages and that is why 50% end in divorce. Obviously after 17 years you guys have it figured out-but the difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraodinary one is this: tend your garden every day.That phrase means something different to everyone- so decide what it means to you. My husabnd I and tag team to get both kids in bed by 8:30 so we can enjoy a glass of wine and the deck for an hour together a few nights a week. We end up talking about finances or the kids, but sometimes we talk about dreams and motivations. Maybe you need a weekend away with your spouse or alone to figure it all out. Hope this helps you.

S.

N.,
Remember he was your husband before he was the children's father. He deserves some of your time also. I suggest that you figure out a good time to have a date night and start to bring back the "spark" in your marriage. There are so many woman on the "prowl" looking for a lonely "married" man and before you know it, they have inticed the man and he leaves his family because of neglect. We, as wives, have an obligation to our mates. We actually "vowed" before God and witnesses that we would love in "all" situations. Get a grip and spend some time with your husband. Your children grow up so fast and often leave the nest and there you are with your spouse and have not maintained a loving relationship with him throughout the years because you put all your focus on the children. My prayer is that you will put some "honey" in the "moon" really SOON! God bless and let me know how things turn out!

J. N

have a "date night" at least once every week or two...

take a vacation at least once a year - our pastor says this is mandatory!

read Sex Begins in the Kitchen - or better yet, have your hubby read it. It was written by Dr.. Kevin Leman

Pray, always - it really helps us :)

N.,

She may be very unpopular in some circles, and I don't agree with everything she says, but Dr. Laura Slesenger has a book that saved my marriage, called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." I don't buy her theory about the woman's movement causing our marital problems because we have become selfish (I just suffered through that part of the book) but my husband said that she is right on about all her conclusions about men. Just seeing me read the book made him know that I wanted to make things better.

Her advice really worked. I have a happy husband who really would swim through shark infested waters to bring me lemonaide, and it did not take all that much work. It did take putting him first instead of last, and all of a sudden, there was a whole lot less for me to do, because he was right there with me doing it.

I have never been happier myself...so it is worth a try if you can get past what you don't agree with, it can work wonders.

M.

I understand where you are coming from. I am the stay at home mom to four girls 17,12,9,and 22 months. I have enough to do in the day just to get them all off to school, care for the little one, do my homework, clean the house, cook dinner, pick them all back up, help with homework, serve dinner, and then get them all ready for the next day. To top it off i go to night school my self . My husband seems not to worry about any thing, because i do it all. He does do the occational dinner and maybe watch the baby, when the girls arnt home. He still whines for his time too. The only thing that holds us together is our date night. One day out of the week (usually Friday) we rent movies for the girls, pop popcorn, settle them in and then off we go. We go to dinner or catch a movie. Sometimes We just take a walk together. As far as friends are concerned we see them on sunday at church, after that we visit with familiy, and return home about 8. with time to spare. Home this helps.
S. R

My husband and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary. Through the years, it seems like our best times have been whenever we are together, but when it comes to parenting, especially teenagers, we fall apart, he has some views and I have others (more strict, too). So since we know we disagree, get stressed, overworked, mad at each other, and, in general get tired, when dealing with the daily grind at home (which I believe is common to all couples), we try to meet as a couple on other grounds, so we try to "date" every so often, we try to take a trip by ourselves at least once a year, and in general, we try to spend time together whenever we can, and continue being each other's best friend, advisor and listener and keep our marriage alive. Remember that you and your husband were there first before the kids, then came kids, and one day, they will be gone. So enjoy them while you can, but don't let them decide the future of your marriage (especially that 2 year old). I think many couples fall into this trap, and once the kids are gone, or even in the midst of rearing kids, they fall apart.
Marriage is like a garden, keep watering it, weeding it (strongly recommend it) and fertilizing it. Communication is the key, if you are having a problem, even if it feels awkward, do talk to your husband, sometimes they are clueless about what we are going thru. As far as friendships, maybe the way you can use them is by doing couples things, we really enjoy that and keep the friendships alive at the same time we keep our marriage fresh with friends, doing things,going out to dinners, and movies. Once in a while do go out with just your girlfriends if only for sanity. Try to keep only those friends who are sympathetic with you at this time, not the ones that don;t have any compassion about you being the mother of a 2 year old.
If you want to re-kindle that light, I suggest a wonderful weekend retreat called "A Weekend to Remember". Go to familylife.com and find out info about it. Also the website is a great source of help, I strongly recommend you to visit it. We went to this seminar twice and it really helped us to hear what others go thru, and it prepared us for a life "till death".
Finally, dear N., do remember, we are not getting any younger. With age, certain things kind of dwindle, and for some, one of those may be intimacy. Work it out, I know men don't lose it ever, but we women, are not as strong in that dept. as we would like to be as we get older. I am almost 50 and it will only get worse, but do try to meet him half way somehow. Take time to be a wife too! Sometimes changes in your self will make you start out fresh, like a new haircut, a new wardrobe, going on a diet, anything that would make your feel new, will also make a great re-start in your life. Enjoy life too! It's the best thing we have!
Any C

For one thing......you don't FIND time.......YOU MAKE TIME. In other words, time is set aside, whether daily (even 30 minutes), weekly (date night) etc. YOU BOTH NEED THE BREAKS.

ALSO....you both need to do things you've always wanted to do....i.e. sky dive, learn to ballroom dance, etc. Make your "100 Things I want to do before I die list" and START WORKING THEM!!! It will be fun and exciting for both of you!

You're both going through another phase in life. I feel men can turn selfish much easier than women{there are exceptions}because they know we'll take care of things...kids, meals, house...etc. So when they shut down, we have so much more to do that it overwhelms us & we start shutting out parts of our life because we simply have no more to give. I've been known to say...If one more person asks for a piece of me... There's only so much of you to go around. Prioritize! What's most important to you? You have girls old enough to help with the cooking & housework & your son. Delegate some things to them & give yourself some time. Spend an evening with a girlfriend. It will make you a better person If you can just have a little time to yourself. You'll handle life better. Don't think for one minute other people don't have similar problems because they do. God bless!

We were not able to have children for 7 years after we were
married althought we wanted one earlier. When we did get out
beautiful daughter, an friend's mother told me to not get so
involved with our daughter that i forget about my husband. She
said to continue to treat him like the husband i love. She said he will still be there long after the kids are gone.
I would suggest for you to go on weekly dates with your husband. Make special times for the two of you. I am not saying to ignore your children or job but make time for your
husband. Enjoy time with other.

N., I was like reading my story...well kind of. I am a SHM...have 3 beautiful children 8, 4, 20 months. I have the same problem with my husband...(we have know eachother since i was 14) I talked with my counsler about it and she said "ebb and flow" that saying works with many things like...love;sometimes its whoa baby and sometimes its not so much...also the same with being intimate....I really love my hubby but most of the time could care less about sex....as far as im concerned my bed is for sleeping. Good luck and just know that you are not alone.

no, nobody actually has it all, and if they think they do, then they are fooling themselves. It is really hard with little ones. they consume so much of your time and leave you with no time for yourself. There are many days I don't shower, much less brush my teeth. so, hang in there and try to remember they grow up really fast and you will have plenty of time in the future when they no longer need you. You will then have all the time to hang with friends and family and groom yourself all day long.

N.,

Sometimes it is hard to share your time. I work two full time jobs, my husband works a full time job, and we both take a large part of taking care of our three kids. It was very hard for the two of us to connect there for a while too. We finally found a trick though. We started emailing each other once a day. We told each other what the kids did, how our day was, and always made sure to tell the other that we missed them. It really helped to bring the connection back when I thought all was lost. I wish you luck and I hope it all works out.

I definately don't "have it all" but I look at my Parents and they have been Married for 45 years and it took soe ups and downs I can remember seeing them as I grew up. There are 5 of us within 7 years. but once things got "stressful" my parents began having Date night. My parents have been emptynesters for 18years and they still have date night every Friday that they can. Even if it just means taking your husband and walking around the neighborhood holding hands and talking. Try it you may feel rejuvenated too. Your older 2 can handle babysitting the youngest for a few hours in order to let you and you husband bond again with each other. They may act like it's a bother but teenagers get over it quickly.
Good Luck.

N.,
I have been married for almost 15 years. I homeschool 2 girls and work 2 days as week as a speech therapist in a school. I feel like all of my life is good, including my marriage, except the intimacy (not only sex...the emotional connection). Just last night we went out to dinner to talk. It really helped to just voice my feelings rather than try to wait it out (I've felt it off and on for years). The thing that spurred me to take action now is that women tend to have affairs because their emotional needs are not being met. I don't want to be that woman in 5 or 10 years who finds herself responding to the attention/affection of another man. I think it is imperative to make it a priority now or you will find it to be too late when you have more time. I think just a little bit of conversation, small steps towards connecting, and staying invested in your marriage can't wait. I totally understood what a lot of people said, particularly feeling like my husband is another person to mother. I don't need another person to mother...I need the emotional connection, not just a partner. I have no illusions that anyone "has it all" as is popularly defined. You choose what matters most to you. What will you look back on and regret not investing more or regret investing too much into? Take comfort knowing you are not alone. Please don't think, though, that it'll be ok to wait until your little one is really grown to attend to your relationship with your husband. I agree that some little things like returning to meaningful touches, etc makes a huge difference. Talk to your husband now, if you can.

N.-
I started a website last year called HowWeCanHaveItAll.com.
It's not specific to marriage advice, etc, but just about how us working moms find the balance. I do feel a sense of contentment in my life with a career, marriage and 4 young children. Life is not easy but with each others support we can get through it.....and not just get through it but really 'have it all' and enjoy it. My life is far from perfect and there are many days that things get haywire. And (don't tell him - I don't think he's reading mamasource!) sometimes my husband is the most difficult to deal with :) It is really hard for men to deal with some of the family things that come naturally to us moms. that is a generalization of course but I find very few other wives who disagree with that statement.
It's not a myth to have it all. It's perspective, knowing your values and priorities and goals in life and constantly monitoring to make sure that everything you do in every moment is leading you in that direction. And that things you can't control, well, we learn to adjust our outlook.
If you feel like you need an ear, please feel free to email me privately at ____@____.com.
I pray for peace in your mind and heart for at least a moment :)
L.

N.,

Try leaving your husband little notes just to remind him of how much you love him. Leave him little "thank you's" for the littlest of things he does. Arrange a date night each week or every other week - even if it's just to go to McDonald's - it's just for the two of you to be together.

Life is very busy anymore - so even if there isn't time for physical togetherness, make time for heartfelt emotional togetherness. Maybe he just needs a gentle reminder of what he has going for him. Everyone likes to be reminded of how important they are to someone. My husband of 16 years now often has to be reminded of just how good he really has things - even if we are not the richest on the street or own the most expensive cars there are - he has his health, his children and his family. I have to really lay it on thick sometimes to help boost him up.

A quick unexpected note gets high rewards as does an unexpected call or message on the phone.

Good luck and write me anytime !!!
R.

N., there is no such thing as having it all. period. good luck!

Now, I am divorced, so first of all, I thoroughly commend you on being married, staying married, dealing with the sudden addition of a 2-year old after teen-agers.

I am discussing the possibility of a relationship with an older man who is convinced that all relationships go "blah" eventually. He's convinced it's just a matter of time, like evolution.

I guess I don't believe that because I didn't see it with my parents - my dad was much older than my mom and everytime I turned around it seemed they were being affectionate in some manner - during the whole course of their 28-year marriage. The same for a close aunt and uncle.

If you think about what things were like in the beginning - beyond the emotional swings of a new relationship, there was the meaningfulness of everything. Meaning in a touch, purposeful eye contact, kisses that lingered as opposed to being thoughtless smooches, face-touching. When's the last time you held your husband's face when you kissed him - or vice versa?

These touches and the mindfulness behind them are the kinds of actions that can stimulate the feelings that you're looking for. It's going through the motions, sure, but it's like if you're sitting in a chair and you slump down and look down and let your shoulders droop... your thoughts tend to follow this posture and you feel glum.

If you sit up straight, head held high, shoulders back, smile on your face, your thoughts will follow this posture as well and you will think of things that make you happy and confident.

If you go through the motions not just of being "a good wife" but of being intently, mindfully affectionate, present, and involved, your thoughts and emotions will follow.

God bless you and yours,

E.

Hi N.,
We've been there too. We have started a garden. We cuddle and watch a movie when all the kids are in bed. We have tried to do the game thing, but it don't work. Some times we just make it a day for us. We can't hardly ever find a sitter, so we take the kids with us and make it a FAMILY night. We do have intimate time together. But there's those times that we can't get too close, kids and other family and friends. We even stop to shower together, just to enjoy the moment together. We have our two older girls watch our younger daughter for a few minutes so we can just shower. We try and find moments to just have a talk or to be silly together. We haven't had problems since and I feel we are all closer and I feel that the love between us has even gotten stronger.

N.,

I haven't been married for as long as you, 11 years. My husband and I have 4 children, 10,8,4,1 and we both work full time, he a regular job and I, overnights. I also babysit after school. We have decided rather recently that we need to start dating again. It sounds odd but we dedicate one night a week for us. We went to the movies one week, bowling, spent time together at home (kids had slumber party in basement with instructions to leave us alone). This week we are going to do a fire in the back yard. The idea is that it is time for us to get to know each other again and it seems to be working. Its like we are starting over. To begin with it was a little difficult to find something to talk about (There's a no talking about children rule.) but we have rediscovered some of the things we forgot about each other when we first met. Its kinda fun and exciting. Our first "date" was to a comedy club. I recommend it because there is not really any talking during the show. Its only a few hours and the kids are a phone call away.

Good luck and have fun with it.

I think "having it all" takes a lot of work. I think all of our relationships reguire a lot of work. I know my marriage has taken some hits since having children. My husband use to be my best friend and the center of my world. We did a lot together and enjoyed each others company in public and private. We are having a hard time spending enought time together and starting to be to "family functional" and not "in love" enough.
I am reading a book called "His need, Her needs for parents" by William Harley Jr. This has been very interesting and helpful. His concepts make sense to me. He brakes it down to 4 things you need to do to keep each other happy (2 for the wife and 2 for the husband) and about 5 things that can wreck your progress. You need to determine what you want out of your Husband, kids, job. I want to be romatically in love with my husband. This book is about just that. I hope you are able to get through this issue and make things work. A happy marriage makes happy children.

We had a theripist talk with our local twins group and this is the book he used for "keeping connected with your spouse while raising kids.

He also suggested books like "Sheet Music" and "Red Hot Monogomy" for keeping relationships happy and healthy. I haven't gotten to those ones yet.

Good Luck

Unfortunately I can only give you the following advise:
You married your husband first, and you need to take the time to keep your marriage a priority.
We declared parents hour on the weekends when we were both off at the same time. For 1 hour (some people use before dinner, we decided on after dinner) the children were sent off to do something together. You are lucky enough to have older girls who can watch the younger child so use them to do it. For 1 hour they were not to disturb us. We used the hour to bond with each other whether it was on the patio with a cup of coffee, glass of tea or lemonade, in our bedroom with the door shut, in the livingroom with soft music playing, whatever, it was just the two of us. We could talk, dance, tell jokes, snuggle, whatever we needed to do and it was our time together without interuption.
You might want to declare date night and the two of you go out together once a week.
Whatever it is, remember your wedding vows. The children will one day be gone, hopefully you will still have your husband and you want the relationship to still be a healthy one.
P. R

Guess what, you do Have It All. really think about it, it might not always be just the way you pictured it or how it is in the movies, but reality check, what more could you want?

N., I just read over your concerns and all the responses your very common concerns have generated. What a gift to learn you are not alone. You have received some very good advice from some very wise women. The only thing i would add is; the very fact that you have reached out and you are aware that your connection with your husband needs some attention is a beautiful thing. It is when we are unaware, or do not make the effort to tend to these most important relationships that we really do damage to ourselves and those we love. Hang in there. Life is a job well worth putting in the overtime! God Bless You. Mary T.