Having a Hard Time and Need Help Coping

I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to send you a big hug. I want you to know that I thank God every day for the men and women who serve our country and their families who wait for them back home. I know this won't make it any easier for you, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all that you and your family do so that our families are safe. My daughter is sleeping soundly in the next room and I'll sleep easier tonight knowing that your husband is keeping watch half way around the world so no harm comes to us.

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am not in your situation but I wanted to answer you and you know that you are going to be ok. I think it is completely normal and I could not handle it any differently than you are. My husband travels and I miss him after two days. the only thing I can tell you is to be strong for your babies. Spend as much time with them as possible, hold them, love them, stare at them, kiss on them, take pictures of them, make a scrapbook for daddy of their stages and growing, enjoy seeing and speaking to your husband daily. Many can't speak to their husbands even weekly. Write him often, write your feelings and thoughts, that may help. Write in a journal, maybe one for you, maybe one for your children. Stay busy, join a church, spend time with family and friends, it has been almost a month, only 11 more to go...you can do it. Be strong for the babies. Cry, cry, cry until you can't anymore. it is ok to hurt. talk to your 3 yr old about her daddy, how wonderful he is, when he is coming home....etc..

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like you have shed a tear for each one of us you and your husband are helping provide freedom for.
I don't have any advice, but I want to thank you, your husband, and your precious babies for the sacrifices you are making for all of us.
Hang in there and try to enjoy those conversations and chats. Praying for you all!

So, my husband is Navy and we have three kids. Our nearly-four-year-old is Autistic and our twins are nine months old. My husband is deployed to the Middle East and has been gone four months now. Life sucks pretty hard these days. Also, my Dad is active duty Army and my grandparents were retired Air Force. I bleed Red, White and Blue and have been through this deployment thing as the daughter, but this is my first time as the wife. I never could have imagined how hard it would be.

There are many resources available to you. There is the Family Support Group, or Family Readiness Group. Some women really find a great deal of strength and comfort from connecting with other wives of the same battalion. Additionally, there is chaplain services. Chaplains are not just "spiritual advisers" but are also trained counselors. Sometimes it helps just having a sounding board who is as intimately familiar with the inner-workings of the military as an Active Duty Chaplain.

At my last check-up, my doctor was checking how was "Every little thing." When she heard about my current circumstances, she asked if I was still nursing. I told her yes and I intended to until after my husband returns. She was ready, had I not been nursing, to give me a script for something to "help my mood." Now, I am not usually the biggest proponent of Better Living Through Chemistry, but sometimes it offers the life raft we need to weather the storms life sends our way. You may want to speak to your doctor. You could get a referral to a behavioral health specialist. (If you do, don't let them bully you. You are coping with everything as best you can. It is up to you what, if anything, you want to change.)

I do agree that spending the whole time you get to talk to your husband crying is not necessarily the best thing for him, though he'd probably never tell you that. I focus on activity and routine. I am also lucky enough to have family nearby that comes whenever I need help. I am also planning a lovely vacation for my family once my husband returns. It gives us something specific and awesome to concentrate on and plan for. It helps.

Feel free to PM me if you wish. Best wishes you you.

While I am not in your situation I have the utmost compassion for families of deployed military men and women. All I can say is keep your head high and do your best to be strong for your babies. You and your husband are making great sacrifices for your country and for all of our freedoms and that is something to be proud of!

I'm sending you big hugs and prayers!

My step dad was deployed and one of the things they told my mom
And I have heard this before is that the spouse that is at home needs to try and stay positive when talking on phone skype or email. As hard as it is for you he needs to stay focused on his job. What if he is out on a mission but his mind is worried about you? Then he might be distracted and there might be a bad outcome. So like everyone else said it is normal what you r feeling but try and use other resources for support, that way when u talk to Him u will be the cheerful loving wife that he married. Use your friends shoulder for support and to cry on. If he knows u r safe, stable and ok he will feel so much better. It's in their nature to take care of us. Let him know he is doing just that. Military wives are warriors! Show him just how strong you are! Make him proud! I am proud of you and your husband!!!!!!

Yes, I think it's normal. Not only is he away, but he's in a life threatening situation (not trying to make it worse for you - just validating your very REAL feelings!). I can guarantee you I'd be similar. My husband was almost deployed, and I was crying before he left...though he didn't leave. But those are hard feelings to manage. Not only for you, but you must struggle with your children and whether they'll know or remember their daddy.

I imagine you'll cycle through your feelings and find a place inside that will let the crying stop for the most part, and you'll be able to function more normally. But I don't think it'll ever be easy.

BIG HUGE HUGS!! And, thank you and your husband so much for your sacrifice. What a huge sacrifice it is. Please know how appreciated you all are. Our country owes people like you so much... (((hugs)))

Hi, I'm a Navy wife. My husband disappears for three to six months on a regular basis. Let me tell you that what you're going through is normal. You're adjusting to his absence, and you're dealing with new baby hormones. Crying is completely acceptable. It will stop eventually. You'll get your feet under you, develop a routine, and hit a plateau where you function just fine. You miss him, but you function just fine.

Your family representative should have a pamphlet called "The Emotional Cycle of Deployment." It's very accurate, and it will tell you what you can expect to feel. For kids, there's a great little Elmo video out there free of charge for military families. It's produced by Sesame Street and Walmart. It talks about Daddy leaving and how to keep Daddy close while he's gone and about maybe being nervous when Daddy comes home. It's good stuff. We have it memorized.

I posted some other advice for military wives on my blog recently. I'll leave the address here, if you think it will help. http://busyuntilhecomes.blogspot.com/2011/04/another-addi...

Absolutely normal. It's not just you, I promise. It won't be so hard every time you get to video chat. You're emotions are going to come in waves over the course of deployment. I won't say any month during deployment is the best or worst, but the first two are pretty rough. It does get easier. You will fall into a routine with the kids that starts feeling if not normal, then not so wrong. There will be periods that you miss him so much you physically cannot breathe, followed by a period of being 'okay' and not having his deployment be the first and last thought of your day.

This is hard, I am so sorry for you, but it will get better. Deep breaths, let yourself cry, and then remind yourself that you CAN do this, that it WILL get better and you are so, so NOT alone.

Call your base Adult Family Member Assistance Center and see a counselor about it. They are very good with deployment stress, and most bases have free, on-site childcare while you are at your appointment.

I think your response is very normal. Deployments are hard and can be even harder with children. My husband just returned from his third deployment, but this was our first with children. I had never felt so alone and lost and emotionally drained. As time passes you begin to find a routine and your perspective will change. This is only one month out of 12 and I think you should allow yourself to be sad, but as others have suggested, maybe try pretending your happy, even if it's for your husband's sake. Sometimes faking it actually changes your own attitude, at least I know it's worked for me. I have a friend who's motto when it comes to deployments is "Fake it 'till you make it."

If in another month you've noticed your emotional responses haven't changed then I would definitely recommend talking to a counselor or a chaplain or even your pcm. There may be more going on that may require medication and counseling. Good luck and I hope this deployment goes back quickly.

Hi S.,

I am sorry you are having a rough time! I know how hard it is to have your hubby away from you for awhile. My suggestion to you would be to contact your local base and see if they have a wives' support group in your area. It is alot easier to deal with things when you have other women who know what you are going through. Check there first and if not, post a listing on craigslist and start your own! I know its hard without him here, but try to cherish the time that you do get to talk and keep a journal. It will help. Best wishes!

M

Totally normal. My husband has been gone to boot camp and AIT for four months, we've got one more to go and then he'll be home for two weeks before he goes to Korea for a year.
I am praying we get sponsored to move there with him, but it's not looking good so far. My three year old asks almost every day "when is daddy going to live at home?" We just visited him for 10 days and since we've been back her behavior is pretty terrible and dramatic. She pretty much just acts out the way I feel inside!
Hang in there and know that he will come home. Don't watch too much news and don't seek out statistics online about the war zones. Focus on your kids, surround yourself with friends and family, take a trip out of town if you can afford it. Keep busy, the time will slow down drastically as it comes closer to him coming home - my hubby and I did two 6 month deployments before we were married and the last two months crawled - but he WILL come home.

Hi S.,
I'm so sorry you are having to go though this. I have been there as well, twice now. What you are feeling is TOTALLY NORMAL. Don't be so hard on yourself. I was a wreck the first time my hubs deployed AND I was preggie with our first to double up those already tough emotions. Give it time, Honey, it will start to get easier. I know that sounds impossible to believe right now given how you feel, but it does subside. Get daily routines going, that helped me. Also, try try try to not cry when he talks to you on video chat or the phone. It makes him feel worse then he already does and he needs to stay alert and not have his head stuck in whats going on at home. He needs to do that for his own safety AND the safety of his fellow soldiers around him. Try hard, hon, bawl when you get off the phone if you must, Lord knows I did, but do try and keep a stiff upper lip when you are talking to him. I know this hurts, but time does help. Bless you, your hubby and your precious babies. You'll get through this and be one helluva stronger woman for it. ;-) I'll keep you in my prayers.

It is very hard and being upset is completely normal. I remember crying often when my husband was in Iraq. I tried to not get too upset around my daughter... but that's a balancing act. On one hand you want your children to know that it's ok to be sad about daddy being gone, but seeing mommy upset all the time can be hard for them. Also keep in mind that while talking to him every day is great, it can also be stressful. You are at home, basically just striving for normal while he is gone, but his phone calls are a stark reminder that he is so far away. When my husband was able to call every day it was great, but also very stressful because it was usually around 3am and he left most of the talking to me because he couldn't/wouldn't tell me about what was going on with him. I know it's hard, but try to be strong for him. There's nothing wrong with being upset and telling him that it's hard to be without him, but crying through a video chat was probably really hard for him. He is likely in a very stressful situation, and worrying about how upset you are is not a distraction he needs. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about it, but if you think you can, try to hold it together for him.
Do you have support? You need friends, family, or other spouses going through the same thing, in your life to support you. And I really mean you NEED it.
And I do recommend the Elmo video. We used it last time when when my husband left us for 6 months, and we will bring it out again soon as he prepares to go to Afghanistan. Being married to a soldier isn't easy, but you will make it through this.

Just wondering if you have support of other military spouses in your area. It is a must. I'm not military, but being in San Diego (and used to council vets) please look into getting a good, connective network so that you can vent, commisserate, and get the day-to-day understanding you deserve. Friends, family is great, but other women who are currently going through this would be invaluable to you. Hope you get the support you deserve!

Deployments are a bear - what you are feeling is totally normal.

We are navy and on our 3rd deployment, and have done many underways (gone for about 2 months at a time for the underways). We did the math - at the end of this deployment, my husband will have been underway or deployed for 93% of our marriage. Yuck!! So basically, I can relate. It does get a little easier. But I have to say that you are very fortunante - we are unable to video chat/call unless the boat is in port, so for a year long deployment I get 3 to 5 phone calls. Talking every day would be great.

Everyone is saying don't cry on the phone - I think you need to do what works best for you and your husband. My husband and I prefer to have open communication about our emotions. He says it is easier to know that life is rough for me and he can try to be supportive than to feel like I am hiding my feelings from him. I feel the same way - we are in this for the long haul and that means a "stiff upper lip" inhibits our communication and thus our relationship. Talk about what will be best for each of you and do that.

I do my best to stay calm with the kids (I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old). We talk about our emotions in a calm way - I tell the kids I feel sad and I miss daddy, but I don't cry infront of them. That kind of raw emotion is hard for them to watch their mom go through at that age, and they have enough stress as is. But it is important for them to know that it is ok to be sad and miss daddy.

For us, we talk about what season daddy will come home, because my toddler doesn't get months quite yet and that makes it easier for her. She has a bearinsten bears (spelling?) book about seasons and we talk about how it is summer now, and then we will have fall and what that will be like, and the winter and then spring, and daddy will be home in the spring. So there are also physical changes she can watch for to know it is getting closer to "daddy time" (like leaves changing color, snow, etc). She tells me many times each day that daddy will be home in the spring time and he will walk through the front door. I tell her that is right and blink back the tears that form.

So basically, deployments are rough, you are not alone, and it is really hard for toddlers to wrap their minds around, so try to give them a sence of stability and confidence that daddy will come home.

Hugs!

I did not marry him, but I dated a soldier for 2 years, 1 year of that he was in Iraq. I have to say, it was hard and I cried all the time. What helped me was my friends who were in the same situations. I have a friend that had a husband in Iraq at the same time. We met through MySpace b/c we mentioned things about military and missing out soldiers. Neither one of us is with the same guy, but we have remained friends. All I can tell you is that its just has hard on them as it is on us. Especially if you have kids. Try to remember that, and that he also may hear horror stories of wives cheating, so reassure him. In a few months, send him some "for his eyes only" pictures to encourage him. It will be horrible, but if you make it through, you will be so much stronger. Praying for you!

I have had to work overseas for 27 years saying goodbye to my family for about 5 months out of every year. It is broken into several segments. Still I left teenagers behind to make a living because the economy was a disaster. It always is when the Republicans are in power and they leave for the Democrats to fix it. I had a phone and a FAX to keep in touch. Later on a Cell phone and the internet.
I lived in countries where I had to learn a new language to talk to people. I had no friends at first which for a woman is extremely difficult.
I missed holidays, birthdays, and all sorts of special occasions except the college graduations with my children and my husband. We just have to live the life we were handed and do the best we can.
Be grateful that every night you know he survived and is alive and well.