Death, Deployment and Away from Family....

I have had to deal with hard things. My first husband died in a car wreck when I was 23 and pregnant with my first child, my mom died shortly after that from cancer etc. etc.
One thing I have found recently that has helped me with issues that are upsetting is listening to tapes from a lady named Byron Katie and going through the process called "The Work". There is also a book, but to me listening to her talk people through all kinds of difficult situations was much more enlightening.
It helps you be OK with the reality of life which includes hard things. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find peace and are able to see the good things around you soon.
I also have a good friend who is a grief counselor and spiritual director. Her name is Janet Davis and she has a website and is a very wise and empathetic listener. Go to www.janetdavisonline.com

From your address, I am assuming your husband is stationed Ft. Hood, our son and his family are there too. My husband is retired after 30 years in the Army and even though it has been a few years, I can tell you that the Army has a marvelous support program in place for their servicemembers and their families. The first thing you need to do is make sure that your husband has talked to his NCOIC and CO about the situation...so that they are aware and can point him in the right direction for the help that is available out there for you. His unit should have an FRG that should be able to help provide emotional support to you during this really trying time. Are you a member of a church? If so, they can be such a wonderful source of support and prayer for you and for your family.
You don't say where your Mother lives, but hopefully you can go and spend time with her before she passes. I stayed with my own Mother during her last 6 weeks of her struggle with Cancer...and I can tell you that I wouldnt trade that time of love and closeness for anything in the entire world!!!
Just dont be afraid to reach out to others for help and support...and take each day as it comes...don't anticipate too far ahead...you will get overwhelmed.
Please tell your husband Thank You for his service to our country. And thank YOU too...being a military wife is a special calling...and not an easy job!!! God bless you all
R. Ann

I am so sorry for your mom and for all you're going through. I immediately thought of my grandmother who told me so often of how her mother died. My grandmother married at 16 (my grandfather thought she was 18) and then he left for World War I. My uncle was born while her mother was very ill. then her mother died (at 42) of probably some form of TB. They were alone in San Antonio, and my grandmother took her mother's body on a train back to Chicago with her infant son (6 weeks old, I think). She was 17 at the time. This was one of the defining moments of her life. I think she did it by just putting one foot in front of the other until she got through it. My grandfather was wounded, but made it home, and they lived a long life together.
Do you have other family around? Good friends? Your son sounds very young, so he won't remember all this. Are you near your mom? You are grieving your mom right now, and you may find that when the time comes you'll feel some relief that she is past all the pain she is suffering now. This may actually be the worst time for you, with all the stress of her illness, your husband's deployment, and a baby. If you are handling it now, you'll be able to handle her death. If you have a pastor or spiritual leader, lean on them. If not, you might consider finding someone nearby to talk this out with.
I wish you the strength and peace to get through the next months.

I agree with Leslie, contanct the chaplain before the deployment and explain to him the situation. If the call comes in about your mothers passing, make your next call directly to the chaplain and he can either send support or come to offer support himself. You are doing the right thing by putting a plan into place should it happen. I would rather be over prepared than be alone with no one to turn to. You could also talk to a neighbor or the FRG. Just having someone come over to help with your son I think may ease your mind a bit. Write down the contact numbers of those that are willing to offer you a hand... make a few copies if needed and keep them by every phone. If the call comes in... call your support ASAP.
Also your husband should be able to come home should this happen during the deployment. The Red Cross would be the ones to handle all of that for you. Get the number for your local Red Cross chapter and have all of your husband unit information available.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I wish you the best in these very tough situations that you are going through. And remember when times are getting a little tough to look at your son and see the love and life that he has to offer... that always melts my heart and calms me, even at the toughest times! There is just that twinkle in thier eyes!!

Whatever branch your husband is serving with, my first recommendation would be to contact a chaplain. Not only are they trained to provide comfort and understanding, but they are officers who know the ins and outs of how to get things done. When your Mom's time nears, the Red Cross may get involved to bring your husband home on family emergency leave and help you while you say goodbye. (It need not wait until she passes. My Dad was on Red Cross leave and returned stateside to be with our family as my Grandfather was quickly deteriorating from Pancreatic Cancer.)

Make sure your husband informs he CO of what is occurring, so there's no surprises for the command during deployment. Who knows, the CO may be a decent sort and have another possible solution.

Don't be afraid to lean on Family Support Groups or neighbors for that matter. I lived in Killeen. Everyone pretty much knows the deal. They've been there or have nightmares of being there and will help you and your child during this difficult time.

My heart goes out to you. What a scary and emotional time. But I think without realizing it, you are doing a lot of your grieving now. Once your mother passes you may be amazed at your strength. You don't say how old your son is, but it is okay for him to see you cry as long as you explain why. Grieve now. When the time comes, you will have it together.

Because I have a mother, I have watched go downhill for many years due to health complications I can certainly understand you fear of getting "the call". In your case you don't have anyone to "fall" on because your support system is not in close range. Be that as it may, you must focus not on what it feels like to be you but what it feels like to be your mother. ALS is such an unfair disease. It robs you of your dignity because you lose your ability to do anything for yourself. Praise God that there is nothing like that in Heaven. Her body will be new and whole again. She will be able to watch over you, your son, and your husband and be an awesome presence as an angel. You must not look at how much you will miss her (the sucky part of death for sure) but you must look at how much better she will feel. In the movie Steel Magnolias- Sally Fields says that none of the men where there when her daughter passed away she was the only one left. She says she finds it amusing that men are supposed to be made of steel. It is us women who are made of steel. This is your first (ok second because you are strong for your son when your husband is deployed) opportunity for you to show your son that you can be his safe place to fall because you can be sad and strong at the same time. What an awesome moment for you to hang on to your son and love him like crazy for you, your husband and your mom. I pray that you find a sense of peace through all of this and will continue to pray for you and your family!

I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. Do you have a church support system that you can lean on? The only thing I can say is drawing near to God for strength is what will bring you through this in the meantime you will be in my prayers. I feel your pain, I know what it is like to lose a parent and it is not easy but leaning on God has helped me through that difficult time in my life. If you have a bible read Psalm 91, it has helped me through a lot of hard times in my life.

I am sorry you are going thru this right now.

I do not know where you will get the strength to get thru it all when the time comes but you will get thru it...I promise.

I was only 25 yrs old when I lost my father...suddenly and unexpectedly. I was home alone with my 2 nephews and my 2 stepsons reading one of the Harry Potter books aloud...they had all came home from school, except the youngest, he was only 2 yrs old and they had had a snack and we settled in to read a chapter or two...I just finished reading the title of the chapter we were on...it was "Death Day"...and the phone rang! It was the Santa Barbara police department and they asked for me by name...I will never forget it, it was awful! I live in Washington state and my Dad was in Santa Barbara, CA. and my Mom was in Sacramento,CA. and my sister was in a closed door meeting here in town and my hubby was out of town and my BIL was at his work but I couldn't get thru to anybody for HOURS! I remember crying but telling myself to pull it together for the kids...and somehow I did, well I think I did...there was a lot of crying and pacing back and forth...and I admit that when I finally was able to reach my Mom I was less than tactful in telling her the news, something I regret to this day...I just blurted it out so fast, kinda like it was hurting me more by keeping it all in...

My sister and I and her 2 small kids had to fly to CA for the funeral...I will never forget that either...we had to fly on the 1st anniversary of Sept.11th and both planes we had to take were completely empty...I remember being asked by each and every flight worker/employee about where we were going that was so important that we were brave enough to fly? That day sucked too..it was like we were walking thru our lives (in the airport) only it was a ghost town...so surreal and quiet!

~Mrs. P., my thoughts are with you and your family in these stressful times...

Sweetheart,
My best friend has almost this same thing happen to her on her dh's last deployment. She had 2 kids and found out she was pregnant right after he left. Then his father died during the deployment and he came home for the funeral instead of for the birth of his child. It really pained her and yes, it was very difficult. But let me tell you something. There are thousands of people that don't even know you that pray for you and your military husband on a daily basis. Those prayers really work and will help you. You will see blessings happen. My husband just left for deployment and my heart is already hurting, but I am praying for you and all military. God hears our prayers and he sends help in the form of friends and neighbors when you really need it. Can you find some military wives to lean on for support? They are the VERY BEST friends you can have!!!
Love ya!

I have never been through your situation, so I don't have any great words of wisdom for you. But I did say a prayer that God would give you the strength and support you need to deal with these difficult times. Do you have a church or military family support group where you can talk through this with someone?

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You have every right to feel so overwhelmed. Please reach out to some friends who can offer support when your husband leaves. If your mother is in the hospice stage, then talk with some of the professionals who are available through hospice care. In the last days before my Grandmother past away, we had an excellent hospice team through the hospital who was there to help everyone in the family. My heart goes out to you. No one knows exactly how they will react when the time comes and the waiting can be excruciating. Hugs to you from Ct. And remember, you will mourn and grieve, but you will be ok with time. Hug your little one tight and thank your mother for all that she has given you and taught you, and know you can pass on that knowledge and love to your son. So her memory and legacy will always live on through you and your mothering to your children. It is hard to say goodbye to on loved ones here on earth, but we do get to spend eternity together in spirit.
Fondly and with love,
L.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going though all this! Do you have some friends at Hood to lean on? Someone to take your son for a few hours if you feel over whelmed?

I'm assuming that you all are Army people at Fort Hood, since you say you're in Killeen. Are you in an FRG? You need somebody nearby to talk to. I have some family members there, and if you need it I could try to ask them to connect with you somehow (I don't know if there's any sort of Army protocol against this sort of thing but I sure don't mind trying!)

Do you have a church there - a pastor? Or is there a chaplain attached to your husband's unit?

You have too many scary things happening at the same time. No wonder you're anxious! You're not the first woman to be in this position, and you won't be the last. I can imagine that if you knew another gal in this situation, you'd do what you could to comfort and help her. Right now you need some people you can lean on for a while. Let me know if I can help. I'm sending a cyberhug to you and your baby.

I am prior military and your husband can ask for a waiver to not be deployed because of your mother dying. He may or not get it, but ALOT of times, they will postpone a deployment so he can be with you during this time and then go at a later date. Ask him to look into it for you. Get counseling during this time and pray your butt off. You will make it. You need a support group. Make sure you get one in place before he leaves. I live in San Antonio and am happy to help in anyway I can. My husband went to Iraq and Afghanistan and I had awful time. My email address is ____@____.com Please write me and I'd love to help you out.

Hi K.,
I am so very sorry about all you are going through. It sounds really rough. I haven't lost a parent but I did lose my only sister to long term illness about a year and a half ago. It was weird, she came to the brink of death a few times and I was so torn up. Just thinking about life without her I could break down. But when she actually did pass, I was actually pretty calm. I did cry, but not hysterically. I guess because it was done, all I could do was deal with it, there was no more fear or worry at all because she had already gone. I don't know how your experience will be but I just throw this out because I was pretty surprised. Also, my mom went to a group called Grief Share. You can look them up at griefshare.com I think, it's free and usually meets in churches. My mom said it helped her a lot. She had spent years looking after my sis and after her death I was tied up a lot bc I had a young baby so she was able to go there and just be with people who understood. Hang in there, I will pray for you guys.

Losing someone can be deeply painful. Dwelling in the pain makes it even worse. I don't mean that to sound as though I'm belittling your pain and grief and fear. But see if you can find the reason you feel that way. I know for myself when I lost my mom and dad that it was our love and deep connection and fun we had together I missed. It was all the good times and challenging times that added together were our lives together. All that we shared are now my memories. Rather than focus on my loss, I appreciate all that they were to me and in that I find my own inner strength. It's an inner strength that I can then give to my kids in all of our stories we are creating everyday.

My parents have been gone for 5 years. I miss them. They were really my best friends in life and for life. I miss being able to drop by and just 'hang out' with them. But I know they would much prefer for me to be happy and joyful and remember and appreciate our time together. I go to my heart and soak my pain, my tears, my fear and hurt. And from that springs all the love that hearts really do hold.

Take care. Appreciate your time together. Your son will be watching and learning right alongside you.

Try to connect with the other wives who have husbands deployed. They are probably your best resources and a great support system. My husband has been deployed as well, and things always seem to come up when they are gone. I did not have to deal with a loss like yours, but I am sure some others on base or in the unit have. Best of luck, and look here for support if you need to!

I am so sorry. It is horrible to watch your strong mother suffer and die. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sending you hugs.

You will make it. Being a mother gives you strength. You will (do) grieve. You will (do) hurt. You will make it, though.

when your mom does die ask for a family emergency for your husband. I have no advice but sympathies and prayers for you. find a good friend a pastor or someone who can be there when it happens. I wish you strength.

all prayers to you! S/N i had a patient three years ago with Lou gherig's and i thought the same of her. but to this day she is still alive! she can't do anything blink but she is still here! so please don't give up hope yet! you are in my prayers

I have watched a couple of people that I loved die, both from cancer. It is very hard. Thank God, I was not alone. It is going to be hard, but you can do it. When my Mom died, I had to realize that I had to go on. If I were not supposed to go on, God would have taken me instead of my Mom or along with her. Just put all of your trust and faith in God. He will get you throuh it. When you feel alone, read Hebrews 13:5. God says: I will never leave you nor forsake you. When you feel like you can't go on, read II Corinthinians 12:9 and Psalm 91:15. I wish I could say something that would make a big difference in your life with what you are facing, but the only thing I can say is turn to God. Put your faith in Him and He will bring you through it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so very sorry about what you are going through and must be feeling right now. ALS, from what I know, is a tough way to go. I haven't had your exact experience but I have been through my parents deaths. My mom died while I was pregnant and my dad was in a nursing home with dementia at the time. The only comforting thing that I can think of is that at least your mom got to meet your child and as far as I know she is probably of sound mind. Maybe you and your son can spend as much time with her as humanly possible and take lots of pictures for your little guy (and you) and cherish every moment you spend with her. To get through, try to live in the moment. I know--easier said than done. You sound like a strong person and you can do this. I would give anything to have my mom back and to introduce her to her beautiful grandson! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mrs. P.,

Sounds like a very stressful time for you. I am very sorry you have so much to worry about while your husband is deployed. I understand what you are going through even through I have not lost a family member under the exact same circumstances...I can relate. I am an ARMY wife, pregnant with child number 3. My husband and I have been through 2 deployments, the last of which he was medically evacuated because of a bad injury.

My best friend just lost a family member from ALS. It was a difficult time for her, but I think the fact that she could be with her mom towards the end made it easier for her to let go. She didn't want her mother to suffer, and though very upset, felt some relief when that suffering ended. Is there anyway that you can be with your mom, or be close to her? This can help you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for her passing. You won't be surprised by the call, or have to drive any long distance while extremely upset after the call. Your baby needs you to be strong, so it important that you are as mentally and physically prepared as possible. Being around family support will also be important for you. If you live somewhere away from family, you should make arrangements to travel and be closer to your family. You need someone who can help you with the baby when needed. Your husband will be able to concentrate on his job, and getting home safely if he knows that you are around your family and have the support you need.
Best wishes to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Have you thought about going and living with your mom, until, God forbid, she passes?? It may be a way for closure.