Grandma Won't Play by Our Rules!

My philosophy on protecting kids from germs is, for the first 3 months everyone MUST wash hands and the baby is pretty much homebound. The nest three months, now that their bodies can better handle getting a cold or some small bug, only people who have been at a school or anywhere with a lot of random people must wash hands and the baby goes out once or twice a week but with cleaning up anything that strangers have touched before you. Up to and including this point no random stranger can hold my baby, and personally ever. I think it's rather impertinent for anyone to even ask in the first place.

After that I let the baby continue to be exposed to more and more things to strengthen their immune systems so that they are introduced to each new things in somewhat small increments and this way their systems can handle them. I have done this with my son and not only does he rarely get sick but when he does he handles it very well and gets better very quickly, I haven't once needed to take him to the doctor for an illness.

As to your mother, I have two rules that have served me very well, first is that it is a grandparents prerogative to spoil their grandkids and I let anything go in that department, I also trust them to do just fine with the kids when they babysit; if you don't trust that she'll do a good enough job then DON"T have her babysit, period. My other rule is that if you can't respect my wishes in my own home then you can't be in it. That doesn't mean that you cut her out of your life only that you only meet on neutral turf. Anyone that is that disrespectful shouldn't be allowed the privilege of being in your home, and it is a privilege not a right. My sister has rules that are much more strict than my own but not only do I follow them in her home I try to make some allowances in my own to support her in how she wants to raise her children, for example she does not watch ANY TV or movies on Sundays, so when she comes over with her kids on a Sunday I try to keep any of that in another room but only within reason. And because of my efforts she is very supportive of my methods.

My last piece of advice is to NEVER EVER let someone guilt trip you into anything, a guilt trip is just one of many ways of manipulating someone and whenever someone is being manipulative it is because at that moment their agenda is more important to them than you are. Remember that and respect yourself enough to put your and your families needs before anyone else's selfish agenda.

Good luck, enjoy your trip doing what you will enjoy while making some reasonable compromises, and in the long run everything will work out, it always does when you stick by what you know is right for you and your family.

Your mother should totally respect your wishes. I was the same way and heard a lot of the same things. There is nothing wrong with your request and you should plan your day around naptimes for your babies sake and your sanity.

Also I can say I was way over protective with my daughter and not only did I isolate her I isolated myself! That isn't good. You can get her out and about and not have to have people in her face or touching her but you need to get out and do a lot more. She needs the stimulation so sudden noises don't freak her out and she learns to adjust. It is good for them to be out of the house.

I would be angry and just explain to your mom that these are your rules and if she cannot abide by them then she cannot touch the baby until she does. That sounds harsh but I agree with the hand sanitizer thing. All the kids I watch after school have to use it the second they walk in my door. I also am a firm believer about the shoe thing, but don't go overboard on germaphobia, that can make you nutso too. I think all new moms go through it.

I can say my daughter was a lot sicker at a young age due to my germaphobia and my son who was used to some germs as it was easier not to be with number two. He was exposed to a lot more and a lot healthier. Just a word of caution, you can worry too much and do harm too with germs.

I hope she understands that she just needs to respect your wishes. I always told everyone you don't have to agree with my parenting but you do have to respect them as this is how I choose to raise my children. No discussion more.

Do enjoy your trip and don't stay home and do nothing. The baby will be fine. You need it and the baby needs it. Being a homebody is fine, just don't isolate yourself or the baby. Plan your days around her feedings and sleep time but don't over stress about structure while on vacation! Have fun!!!

It's hard to get your parents to see things from your perspective. After all, they raised you and you flourished and survived. But in the end, it is your child and should be raised the way YOU choose for her to be raised.

Before your trip, I would sit down with your mom and tell her that you really, really need things to go smoothly so everyone enjoys the trip. Explain that you have a schedule with your baby and you plan on maintaining that schedule, even while on vacation, because it makes your baby a happy baby and you a happy mom. So if that means bedtime at 7:30, then that's when you plan on being back home. That you are taking her to meet family, not to sight-see and go out and about(because I don't know one infant that is interested in sight-seeing).

Now as for germs, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask people to wash or sanitize their hands before touching your baby. She is just a little baby who definitley does NOT need to get the flu, or even a cold. So hold your ground, no matter how many eye-rolls and snickers you get. Just explain, "I know you think it's silly, but it was at the suggestion of our pediatrician and I'm just following his advice." If she says she'll just do what she wants, then you may need to get rude and just say, "Mom, if you can't follow my rules, then I don't want you to see/hold the baby. Why is it such an imposition for you to wash your hands?"

And we have a "no shoes" rule at our house, too. My kids are walking, but it really does track in a lot of dirt and germs. Just so you know you're not the only one.

Your mom is right - your life doesn't end just because you have a baby. But it definitely changes and you're adapting. It will return to "normal" as she gets older. But for now, your job is to protect and love her and it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. Keep it up. Best wishes!

hahahahaha Are we long lost siblings?

We have the benefit of my parents living 1400 miles away! :-D But we were just recently at their house when DD5weeks was a newborn. Mom didn't want to come do some things with us because she was "sick" but when DD came along she suddenly made a quick "recovery" and was all over her! Funny thing is they keep their house at 80 degrees and use antibacterial this and sanitizing that yet they are always sick with some kind of sinus infection, cold, bronchitis etc. yet we keep our house at 67-69 and none of us have been sick until a friend with that crupy cough flu came to visit 2 weeks ago.

No, neither of them really respect our wishes regarding the kids' sleep or feeding schedules. It took us over a week to break DS2 from having to have his room light on--even for daytime naps! And gee, where did he learn to try and cut food with a friggin' steak knife!?! What really hacked me off is they bought him a bike (yeah, his FIRST bike) for xmas and then had him riding it in front of the house with NO HELMET while we were away!! And now mom wonders why I won't even consider sending him to spend the summer with them?!

I haven't totally released the Kraken on them but I did rip into them a little for some of their antics. Sure they got pissy about being called on the carpet by their own child but they'll just have to deal with it.

Remember, YOU are your child's parent, not your mother! YOU need to protect your cubs. I'm assuming at some time you mustered the strenght to declare your independence and told her to butt out of your personal business either when you moved out or got a job or something? Muster that same strength and do it again! Tell her if she wants to make up rules for kids then she should have more! If she's like my parents she'll whine about being disrespectful but you know what? She started the disrespect first! So, treat her as you would any older child...if she misbehaves, call her on it and remove privileges for a time.

Ultimately it has to come down to this....are you going to be the person in charge when it comes to your child, or are you going to let your mom be? If your mom won't listen to you, don't talk to her. If she won't wash her hands or take off her shoes, don't let her in...you CAN do that...you're not being unreasonable...what's unreasonable is her not respecting your wishes. If she's going to run you ragged, don't go on trips with her, and if you are going to go, don't go out shopping with her, just hang out with your baby at the house....she can't physically make you go with her anywhere. She's going to have problems with the fact that she doesn't make the rules or control the situation anymore, and you need to let her know in no uncertain terms that you don't care what she thinks of your rules....they are the rules and if she doesn't follow them, then she can't be around you guys. That may sound harsh, but I swear, laying down the law on this stuff now will save you a LOT of heartache later on, because it will only get worse....believe me, I've had similar problems. Ultimately, don't let yourself be guilt tripped into anything. Do what's best for your child and you....that's your job as a mom now. Good luck.

You can not babyproof the baby, that will only do more harm then good, children need to be exposed so that the can build up their immunity. I learned this the hard way, my older 2 I was religious about and when they hit school age they came down with everything under the sun, I swear they missed more school then they attended, the 5 kids that came after that, I didn't even bother trying to keep germ "free", and by about 2 years of age they don't really get sick. The world is one big germ, and your good intentions can back-fire. I also make everyone take off their shoes, I live in the country and I hate dirty carpets for the same reason you do, but I don't make grandparent, elderly, or disabled, it's just not as easy for them, and it's nothing a good vacuum and my monthly carpet cleaning can't handle!

AS to the grandparents thing, they are grandparents not parents, they are supposed to do all that a parent would never do, ice cream for dinner, pop corn in bed, and yes showing off the grandbaby to everyone who will take the time to listen and look, try making a portable baby book for grandma, my MIL loves hers and has one for all 7 of course she only carries the littlest ones anymore, but it makes showing off a little easier!

Don't feel pressured to do what you don't want to do, but don't stay trapped in the house either, this is coming from a BIG homebody.

I understand how you feel but also think of this from another side. Yes you want to protect your child and well you should, but if you put her in a plastic bubble now you'll have her there for the rest of her life. All this antibacterial stuff is fairly new and still being researched if it's good or not. Look at all the news reports of kids getting sick from the hand sanitizer. We're killing all the good germs and making the bad germs stronger. At some point your baby is going to get sick. Unless there is some other issue here like your baby has a weak imune system or some thing else medically that make being this care a necesity I'd say ease up a little. All of us have gone with out washing our hands, or putting something wierd in our mouth, to living through the flu or having a cold. We're still alive. It may just be easier to slowly let your daughter be around germs so that you don't have to stay at home all the time. Yes, mommy knows best but don't forget your mom raised you and sounds like she did a pretty good job of it, and your still alive and she probably did the same things with you that she is doing with your baby. Sorry, if you don't like my response, but just thought another way to look at it would be good.

I am a mother of four.....You are the mother and no one will ever take that away from you. However,,,,you will learn that you are a classic first time mother that will learn that babies are much tougher than you ever imagined. They get flu shots to ensure they don't get a bad case of the flu, but they will get sick no matter what. The difference is whether they have been subject to enough healthy germs to ensure their body can handle an illness or not. I would say that you should relax a bit and enjoy your baby. Don't worry about what your mother has to say but ENJOY the baby and all the germs that come with her.

I understand how you feel. My in laws put my son on a riding lawn mower by himself before he was one. I have caught them doing many things with my children. Letting them run down the street, playing with chain saws, playing with pruning shears, running around outside naked, riding 4 wheelers carelessly without helmuts. And the way they feed them, ice cream is a meal. I have expressed how I feel many times, they just throw the grandparents rights thing at me. It took them doing something that my husband didn't like before things calmed down. My husband didn't like what happened one day, so he threatened them with never seeng their grandchildren. They now strive to better follow our wishes.
On the other hand, having been one myself, first time moms do tend to be a little over protective. I know no one wants their children to get sick, but it is also important not to be to sterile. Children need a little exposure to germs in order to build up their immune systems. If they are ever around germs, when they start school and get sick, it will be really bad because they won't know how to fight it off. You don't want that either. Plus there are some things she can get rom being over sterile, they aren't good either. You need tofind a happy medium on this. Remember, our parents didn't have all this anti-bacterial and sterile stuff. We all got sick, and we are fine.
Talk to your mom. Tell her your concerns. Try to control your emotions when you do this. My mom always told us growing up that we needed to let her raise her kids, when we had our own she would let us raise ours. Try this kind of concept with your mom. Let er know she had her turn to raise children of her own, and now it is your turn. She raised her children the way she chose to, she needs to let you raise your the way you choose. Maybe remind her of how she felt when others told her how to do her job.