Have you ever had that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and be almost unable to move? That is how I am feeling right now. I am going to seek out a divorce from my husband and am so overwhelemed with what to do, how to do it and the repurcussions it will have on my daughter.
Without going into all of the awful details, this is a marriage that should have never happened and now we are at the point where we are at each other's thoats. I can't continue this way for my daughter's or my sake, so it is time to take action rather than continuing to hope that things will get better.
That being said, how do I find the right lawyer? How much does something like this really cost? How terrible is this really going to be? I have a feeling it won't be pretty since he will want shared custody of our daughter even though I feel he is in not a fit parent.
I have begun to come to terms with the fact that my dream of having a happy and loving family is not going to work out (and that in of itself is something that breaks my heart) and now I have to figure ot who is going to legally support me and whether or not I can afford it. And very, very selfishly, I HATE the idea of having to share my daughter with this man. I agree that children should have a relationship with both their parents, but this guy is a real peice of work. The feelings I experience when thinking about sharing her makes me want to roll up into a ball and cry for days. It's really the only reason I have stayed in this marriage as long as I have.
If anyone has real life experience with this or recommendations who to work with (I live in Redwood City), I would be extraordinarily grateful. I feel like I am starting to freeze up with fear, anger and sadness and need to remain somewhat strong so I can be a decent mom to my daughter through all of this (or to somehow just make it through the day, both at home and at work). Thank you so much for taking the time to consider this request- it means so much to me that moms on this site genuinely want to help one another. It feels good.
SIDE NOTE: we were in counseling over a year and it didn't help a bit. We actually were in counseling BEFORE we got married- that should have been a red flag, but I ignored many red flags at the time because I succumbed to "I'm getting older and need to start a family sooner than later" mentality. So very, very dumb. My husband is not abusive, but has issues with alcohol. He also did not learn lessons growing up about responsilibity, discipline and being of service to his family. His personal gratification comes first and it doesn't fit in a family dynamic. One example of many: he was up until 3:45 last night drinking and didn't feel like getting up when our daughter got up at 7, so he staid in bed until 11. He thinks this is okay. I don't.
Hi J.,
I am so sorry you are going through that. Divorce is an overwhelming experience for everybody, but it is definitely possible to go through with that.
Lawyers in San Mateo county usually charge from $270 and up.
I can recommend Jessica Lee Messer from Canter-Moorhead. She is very ethical and she can handle cases with lots of conflict. Her web site is www.cantermoorhead.com
Good luck
M..
Hi J.,
Although I can't offer you resources, I do want to offer you some comfort because all "moms" are in the same boat regardless of circumstances....that's what makes us women powerful. God would not have blessed us as women if he didn't think we could handle it: being loving when we are angry, being forgiving when we want to resent, being wrong when we know we're right.
You can never change a person, you can only change yourself and it sounds like you would do anything to shield your daughter from an unhealthy relationship. It sounds like your husband has unresolved issues and most likely the reason he drinks. As hard as it may sound, believe that he's doing the best he can do with what he knows becasue he's hurting too. Love him and forgive him as the person you know he is and not the person he's "being." Communicate with him from that frame of mind and you'll open the communications with him so that there more of a win-win for you, him and most importantly, your daughter. We women always take the high road becasue our commitment to our children is greater than any circumstance life gives us...and know, this will pass with time. Show your daughter what it is to be a strong powerful loving women who can rise above circumstances and find resolution. You can do it, it's just taking the first steps that seem difficult.
Virtual Hugs going your way.
S.
http://redwoodcity.org/parks/preschoolers/familyresourceg...
http://www.co.sanmateo.ca.us/smc/department/home/0,,14095...
(I 'googled' family resource center)
Good Luck!
K.
The first thing you do it get your name of all credit card and bank accounts and get your finances in order without letting him know. The first thing my lawyer asked me was I able to afford to live on my own without him. If there are no disputes you can do it yourself without a lawyer, or very cheaply if you just discuss things and settle them by yourselves or it can be very expensive if he questions everything and fight over custody. Plan how you will do without his income and go from there. Good luck. You will usually go down in income and he will go up, but that is what we have to accept if we want to get out of undesireable situations.
First of all, your husband sounds like an alcoholic, and if you can prove it in court (start taking notes and monitoring his alcohol intake without him noticing) he should have very restricted visitation with your daughter. You CAN afford to do what is best for you and your daughter; you may have to tighten your belt, but he will have to contribute to your daughter's support and possibly your own. I know a fantastic family lawyer in Los Gatos: Rachel Baer ###-###-####. Lawyers charge by the hour, and they are not cheap, but it sounds like you need one, especially if you think your husband is going to be unreasonable, and if there are custody issues. If you think you can agree with him on support, custody and division of property, then the two of you can make a marital settlement agreement, file the papers yourself, and save $$$ Good luck...it is an arduous process but it will feel SO GOOD when it's over !
