Friendships - Everett,WA

Hi L.,
You did not say how old you are, or what your family background is, but it just sounds like you and your friend may have different communication styles. My daughter is 22 and an Air Force wife. She has noticed many younger wives have not learned how to have "a servant's heart" in social situations and tend to move the conversation back to themselves, their point of view, their feelings. Your responsibility in the relationship is to encourage your friend to be joyful, thoughtful, and a responsible member of the community (wife, mother, Christian, friend). Sometimes that means listening, sometimes that means offering an alternative way to think about things, but always with graciousness. It takes practice to do this consistently, especially if your friend does not realize the same responsibility to encourage YOU to be YOUR best. And close friends who get past being superficial can't always do this perfectly because we're human. Know also that you are fortunate to have such a close friend; many women are isolated when they have kids. And if you don't feel you can comfortably talk with her about it, maybe you can just say you'd like to talk about something else. You can tell her, too, that you really needed her to just listen. If that doesn't go over too well, give her a little time, she'll learn your boundaries. Until then, you can lightheartedly change the subject and move ahead with the fun stuff. When she has adjusted, you can talk about more personal things again. Trust me, you'll be doing her a huge favor to show kindness and cut her slack when she needs it, and support her perfecting her social skills, assuming she's agreeable. There are a number of people who get into their 50's or 70's and still never "get it." Enjoy!

You write: "…she's just competitive and opinionated but she is the one who gets upset about me doing the same thing she does." One mama suggests you might have different communication styles. That's a possibility.

Another is that you have very similar styles. I've seen (and experienced) this as a real problem, because people generally intensely dislike, even hate, the things in others that they'd rather not find in themselves. This tendency to project onto others what we dislike in ourselves causes plenty of trouble in the world, from personal feuds to international conflict.

There are a number of "systems" of communication and understanding that have been transformative for me and others I know. Two that I especially love can be broken down into a few straighforward steps. They honor both your needs and feelings, and the needs and feelings of the people you are trying to communicate with.

If you find this possibility intriguing, look up more information at www.thework.com and http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/the-nonviolent.... I wish you kindness, good sense, and happy exploring.

By the way, I found your request by looking up your profile (after being impressed with a bit of advice you just gave another mama). Your request did not make the list of "all" requests on this site, at least as shown on my computer. This makes me wonder if you fell through the cracks on mamasource, and that's why you have received so few responses. If you're curious about this too, you might want to check out "Requests and Responses" in your overhead menu and see if your request is listed there. If you don't see it, you might wish to write the site administrators and mention the problem to them. I can't imagine why your request didn't show up.

L.,

I remember a saying that I heard while growing up that I plan on passing on to my children.

If you can't take it, don't dish it.

It sounds to me like your friend can dish out her opinion and her judgments, but can't take it in return. I don't know the whole story of her life, but she sounds to me like someone I don't want to spend much time with, unless she changes her attitude.

I would try and sit down with her and communicate that she has an opinion about everything under the sun and that she gets super defensive when called on what she says. Use the examples that you used here. i.e, : "Hey Jenny (or whatever her name is), you know when I mentioned that my MIL was going camping with us, and you made the comment about not feeling comfortable leaving the spouse at home? Well, I felt that your comments were judgmental and a little hurtful." Or some such phrasing.

At this point I don't think she realizes how irritating her behavior is. As her friend you might want to think about talking with her about all her comments and see if she's willing to change. If she's not willing, or thinks that she's doing nothing wrong, then I would consider putting some distance between the two of you.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I think a heart to heart is in order. It sounds like you really want to preserve the friendship, rather than just move on to other, less irritating, friends. And honestly, it doesn't do either of you a favor to just grow more frustrated while allowing her social dysfunction to continue. The way she is communicating is very self-centered, and because she is being so self-centered, she surely doesn't see it herself.

Sit down and tell her that you really care about her, and want to keep her as a close friend, but sometimes the way she responds to things you say make you feel like she isn't listening, and is just waiting for the opportunity to give her own opinion. Tell her that you'd love to be able to tell her things and have her express simple understanding, empathy, or support, and that you really don't usually want advice or correction unless you ask for it. Re-emphasize how much you value your friendship with her, and only express this because you spend sooo much time together and you want to make your friendship better.

If she takes this well you'll probably be closer than ever. If not, be prepared that it could make her very defensive and pull away from you. Some people just aren't humble enough to recognize their own faults and work on them. If not, then maybe it is time to put more time and effort into pursuing other friendships.

I will say that, honestly, none of my friends act this way, and if they did, I wouldn't spend much time with them.

Good luck!