How Do I Tell Her I Don't Want to Be Friends Anymore?

Friendships come and go.
It's time for this one to go.
Rip that band aid off quickly and tell her it was great while it lasted but you need to move on now.
She'll be upset - there's no avoiding that - but she needs to move on too so she can try making other friends.
Freeing her now is the kind thing to do.

If you couldn't utter a "yes" when she asked you if you were dumping her, I don't know how you're going to come out with full sentences! She offered you the perfect opportunity and you let it slip away. So, now, after saying you weren't trying to dump her, you are asking us how to tell her? How about honestly and straight-forward - I feel like this is a one-sided friendship and I'm not interested in it any longer. Please don't call me again and I will do likewise. But again, if you couldn't say "yes" I don't know how you're going to say anything at all.

while i always advocate honesty, and dislike passive-aggressive solutions, the best way to end a friendship is to allow it to fade away. there are few ways to actively end a friendship without it coming across as confrontational and/or judgemental.
that being said, if she's actually showing up and asking, there's your opportunity. you just have to strike a balance that for YOU encompasses both honesty and kindness. 'elmdea, sometimes personalities just don't click. you're a lovely person, we just don't seem to fall into that friendship groove. i wish nothing but good things for you.'
close the door.
it doesn't mean she has to take it well (she probably won't) but if you can't disengage quietly, you simply have to do it.
khairete
S.

Pushovers of the World, Unite!

I suspect we all have known people like this. I've used HellOnHeels' technique of being vague, and that sometimes works. I'll share another tecnique that can work more directly.

My M. acts hurt, and even cries, at anything and everything that she doesn't like to hear from me. It worked for decades to control me. And internalizing that pattern, of buckling under when somebody acts hurt, made me an easy mark for others.

I have finally learned to stand up to that tactic. I address it by:

1. Acknowledge what the other person has asked of me. ("Lucy, I hear that you'd like me to ________.")

2. State my feelings about the request. ("I notice that I'm feeling: irritated, sad, upset, defensive, angry, doubtful, uncomfortable, shut down…".) Any real feeling.

3. Give my decision as "So, no, that does not work for me." Speak in a calm, friendly voice, and under no circumstances ever attempt to explain further or give any excuses or reasons, and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. Those will only invite wheedling, tears, or argument.

But NOBODY can sanely tell you your own authentic feelings are wrong. You've got a right to your needs, just as your acquaintance has a right to hers.

4. Practice with another friend or family member, or even in a mirror, until this feels natural.

Good luck!

I have a friend who is a little like that. I just give her vague answers. For instance, when she says, "Oh, let's get together for dinner," (which means, we go to dinner, she talks the whole time about how broke she is, after which I feel compelled to pay for dinner), I say, "Let me check my schedule and I'll let you know." And then I never do. Or when she says, "Why don't I bring my daughter over to play with your kids," (which means she will drop her child off, I will be expected to feed said child several meals, and my "friend" will go off and get a manicure and a massage - and she will never, ever reciprocate and watch my kids), I say, "My kids have been sick. I'll let you know when they're feeling better." And then I don't. After a while, she found other people to mooch off of and now I rarely hear from her.

Wow, you are much too nice. I would've sent her packing over any number of the scenarios you mentioned.

Go back to being busy and ignoring her. If she approaches you again, be honest and up front. Tell her that you don't feel the friendship is working for you, that it's totally one-sided and you're no longer interested in having her as a part of your life.

I've been in your situation whereby I confronted a long time friend and told her what was bugging me, over a course of a year or so, things never changed.. then I got smart and thought.. wait, forget about her changing, I am the one who can change.. and since, I have broken off ties with her and have focused on myself... as for your friend, since you did already try and work things out three different times, you don't seem to be afraid of confrontation, in which case, maybe you could tell her, look, this isn't working for me, I need my space and time to gather my thoughts.. I don't want to hang out at this time... I know as a friend, you understand...

In this case, sounds like you have to be as direct as possible so that she gets it..

good luck

Be honest but not mean. If you have trouble knowing what to say to her, write it out and practice on someone else. But do it in person. You should have done this when she showed up. She may have been hurt, but it would have been less cruel than the lie.

If she won't accept it, then start carving her out of your life. Unfreind her on facebook, block calls, avoid places you know she will be. After a while she will get the hint and life will go back to normal.

If you are afraid to tell her straight out, then just be too busy to entertain her when she just drops by. Seriously, if somebody just dropped by my house and tried to guilt me into "being" with her, I can't imagine that I wouldn't dismiss her with something like, "Uh, get outta here with that." If you're busy, then you're busy. She is only approaching you in that way because she knows that you will cave. Whether or not we are acting with intention, we do teach people how to treat/interact with/respond to us.

I rarely think that a proclamation needs to be made when you're shifting your friendship interests. You never know when a new season for you will come back around, as we are ever evolving. If you're busy, then the natural effect is that you won't have as much time or energy to commit to your relationship with her. If she shows up at your house, tell her that you're not interested in being all dramatic about it. Maybe you wait to hear from her again and ask her what she needs. Have an email relationship with her for a while. If her needs are specific, then address those and move on. If her needs are more general, like, doing happy hour once a week, then tell her that you don't have time for that.

Let it naturally evolve away from whatever it was by making obvious your shift in priorities. You don't need to tell her that she is awful and smells bad.

PS. We don't need to know why you don't want to be friends anymore, just that you've decided to be done. But don't burn a bridge or say something that you might need to apologize for if you should ever get back together in the future.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

It would help to know WHY you don't want to be friends anymore.
It would help to know HOW long you have been friends. There's so much more information needed in order to give an answer, so without that information - this is what you get from me:

You just tell her the truth. The friendship is not working out for you.

If she already came to your home asking if you are going to dump her - she KNOWS she's high maintenance and she knows what's coming. You either tell her the truth or learn to deal with her.

You're not really going to hurt her feelings and she doesn't really care about yours. So just cut the ties. Tell her you meant to say "yes" when she asked if you were dumping her. Do it in person, email or snail mail but do it. Honestly, she is just going to move on to someone else after you. So cut the ties now and stop feeling bad about it. Life is too short to let yourself be used like this.

People appreciate honesty.

Your afraid to hurt her because she is manipulative and a lot of that manipulation is towards you. Makes perfect sense actually.
SO,take Suz T's advice on what exactly to say. Whether it be through email, face to face, text, call,...whatever way makes you comfortable is perfectly fine. Just get it done

It doesn't sound like a friendship so just stop talking to her. Tell her you have plenty on your plate and you are just busy. When she shows up, tell her you are just busy and if she wants an all or nothing thing, then it has to be nothing. I just went thru this with someone, and it ended up being a big blow up with a lot of hurt feelings. Saying something now could save you the headache in the future. Good luck!

I had a friend like that. She didn't want me to talk to people she didn't like and tried to run my life. It got to the point that people stopped talking to me because of her. I finally had to dump her. I told her that I was busy and I was never available to her. I finally told her that I needed a break from her. I told her I can understand why she didn't have many friends. I say either tell her you need a break from her or just ignore her. That friendship is more about what you can do for her rather than what you can do for each other.

Just TELL her leave you alone!

She's a toxic Bully and you are her, "door-mat."
People like that, have to control others.
And they do NOT care, about you.
At all.
They only care about themselves.
And they know who.... they can victimize.
And if she stalks you or harasses you.... then call the Cops.
Or your Husband should.

She does NOT care, about you or your feelings, at all.

WHY do you think, she is a "friend?"
She is not.
She is a user.
That is all.
And she sticks around you because she knows, she can use, you

I'd just gradually wean her off you. Like doing every 3rd thing she wants to do. Then in a few months you can go to every other one. Introduce her to lots of people so she'll have other people to find and invite to do stuff, hopefully they'll invite her to do stuff and she'll be busy with them.

They do say the fastest way to fix a broken heart is to fill it with a new activity, friendship, special friend, etc....so help her...help her find a replacement or two or three.

This is your first question on the site...if you want good advice, you need to give a little more detail so people understand the background.

Did she do something bad to you? How long have you been friends? Why do you want to cut ties with her?

You may have to be more direct with her

Huh... interesting. Didn't we have someone several days ago where it was suggested to her that when she was asked by a friend to help that friend's child with tutoring for what would amount to a few hours all spread out, she was told to mention how much she would be paid for her professional time? Or it was used as an example.

Anyway, it sounds like this is a friendship where you're each really only interested in what you can give each other. Neither of you is interested in closeness or actually being friends or enjoying time together. It's take take take on both sides.

So tell her straight out, "I'm sorry, but I've been feeling for a long time that our friendship is broken and it's just not fixable. I think we're going to have to go our separate ways. This isn't working for either of us any longer. I wish you well."