Hi mammas! I have lived in the area about 6months now, and have made some pretty good friendships. There is a group of stay at home moms I typically hang out with once a week with our little ones. There is also a sweet girl in my neighborhood that I recently introduced to the "group" a couple of months ago. As of late, I have noticed that as a group we have not been getting together over the past few weeks. I started thinking something was up, and sure enough after to talking to a couple of the gals, they have informed me that they do not want to hang out with my neighborhood friend, and have not been inviting me to their last couple of "playdates" because they did not want her to come. She has apparently come across wrong, examples are, telling others children what to do/or getting on to them (in which case I feel she was only trying to help- as this particular parent was not in the room at the time); Also making certain comments: We were all hanging out and the kids were running around screaming, she made a comment about how she couldn't stand it and had to leave. I can see how these things would or could come across offensive, however, I have spent a lot more time with her than the others, and I know very well that she would never intentionally try to be rude or offensive to anyone. I'm not really sure what to do. Should I try to talk to her about this or just leave it be? I find myself worrying about the next time I hang out with the group and she finds out that she wasn't invited, it may hurt her feelings. If it were me, i would want to know so that I could try to fix it. Also of note, she is currently 5 mo pregnant and really emotional right now, so I just worry about really upsetting her at this point if I were to say anything. Anyway, thanks for reading this and any advice or suggestions you have are appreciated:)
Thanks everyone for the advice! I basically wound up telling my neighborhood friend how the other gals felt - i didn't have a choice because she saw a post on facebook about an event we were all invited to except her. She was upset of course, but handled it well. In fact she told me that was just her personality regardless of being pregnant. I now feel a bit awkward around all of them, hopefully we can all just move past this. I think I am going to lay low for a bit, and continue to get out there and meet new friends as not to limit myself to these ladies. I still feel like the other group is avoiding me somewhat, so that kind of bugs me a little. I am going to try not to worry about it or make a big deal about it- I will just not make myself quite as available. Just another reason it is difficult being female I guess. lol.. I'd love to make some friends with some gals that are as passive as myself...just have a few beers to settle our grumbles... lol..
ugh - mamma drama!!!!
If you truly like the women in this group and enjoy their company then keep going.......and if you really like this girl keep having get togethers with her. Sometimes people just don't jive with others - and that's fine. We can't like or get along with everyone!!!
Personally I would drop the momma group like a hot potato. They are far too childish for me in their response to dealing with the new friend and how they have dealt with you.
If you really like the new girl, continue to be her friend and make more friends elsewhere. I'm a grown woman and have never had the patience for this kind of treatment by women/girls. It is just unfortunate that some women never really grow up and out of this phase. I just think it is a horrible way to treat another person. What is the problem with just talking things out in a loving way?
cliques.
ugh.
i don't allow groups to dictate my friendships. i'd tell the group that i would not invite her if she's not welcome and i'd continue to attend their playgroups to some degree, but i'd also make sure i had get-togethers with the shunned girl and perhaps make those the nucleus of a new group.
no need to offend anyone. just tell the group that you understand, and accede to their wishes. if they continue to ignore you BECAUSE you're friends with the other girl, then good riddance.
khairete
S.
This is what I would do: say nothing to the new friend. There is no way this feedback is going to make her feel better. You seem to enjoy her, so do hang out with her on your own. If she asks directly, just tell her "Listen, it's a tight group of ladies and they just get weird about new people joining in." No need to throw anyone under the bus.
If you are interested in keeping up with this group, then tell them that you can see that your neighbor is just not clicking with the rest of them and that you won't be inviting her any more. I don't think you need to go into it any further. Sometimes, people aren't a good fit and then some are offended. Moms groups do seem prone to drama, too. Just my observation, anyway.
The fact that they dropped you in order to avoid your neighbor speaks volumes. They obviously have no loyalty to you what-so-ever and that is really sad. Time to rethink what kind of people you really want to associate with. Personally I would let the group go since you aren't important enough for them to be honest with you. You deserve better.
Let it go. Let your friends know you want to come to the group and you understand. You can' t unring a bell.
Haven't we all been that person at some point, the one who didn't fit in with everybody else all the time? Oh, maybe it's just me.
Your friend is a grown-up. You tried something (bringing her into the group) and it didn't work, for whatever reasons. That is okay. The "group" has a right not to add new members that they feel don't "fit". When I'm part of an intimate circle, I don't necessarily like to include newbies. Everybody doesn't have to hang out with everybody else.
Now, another grown-up approach would be to ask your friends if they could learn to speak up for themselves. Unless your friend is overbearing and boisterous, I don't understand why they couldn't just clear it up in the moment. It's usually awkward while you're feeling each other out. It takes a few times to establish boundaries and expectations. Maybe they don't want to put in that kind of work. It doesn't necessarily make them bad people.
Maybe you can tlak to them about that and talk to your friend, ask her to stifle her personality a bit until everybody's comfortable. OR you can all just decide that it didn't work and move on. If you want to hang with the circle, do it without her. If you host your own event, you can invite whom you want, and maybe they'll see your friend in a more comfortable setting and gain different perspective. Either way--pregnant or not--your friend is a grown-up who should understand that not everybody is going to enjoy her company every time.
Suz T.'s answer.
Ditto.
All concerned are grown-ups. It can't be that hard.
Let it go. Tell the other moms you want to hang out and then do. Since your friend said she "couldn't stand it and had to leave" she may not want to be invited again. If she says something, you could just say you didn't think she wanted to come.
how good are the groups friendships if they would not invite you because of another person?
I'd stink to hanging with your friend from the nieghborhood
And I thought the drama was left back in high school. Grow up momma- group-girls. They sound like they're all of a similar personality - you can decide whether or not you want to continue to hang around them or not. But if you like the other mama - keep hanging out with her. People are all different and you're not all going to get along all of the time. Some are more truthful and direct than others - she's not going to change so leave it alone.
What I found is that the people you make friends with initially in the new neighborhood are not neccessarily the ones you'll stay friends with. As your kids grow up , go to preschool and eventually elemnatry school your possey will change. let it go and consider who you really want to hang out with.
My two cents is that Being apart of a MOMS club of any kind there is conflict and personalities that don't mash together. I was apart of one for 12 years and there was the same thing going on...one mom just trying to stand in and disapline, in our case we had no choice the mom would not do it and it drove us crazy...... I think it is so sad that they are not excepting all moms and unique - ness of each person. It is" a click "and I too have been involved and witness such a thing when you get everyone together.
wth that said, it is hard to make a group except another mom in the playgroup if they are turned off by her and it may be no fair, but you have no control. Certainly you can encourage her to come and ask the other moms to give her another opportunity. If it still does not work out, then ask her about keeping her parenting to other kids to herself and just disapline her child away from bad influence of the children. Or you can spend some times with the playgroup aside from your time with the other mom. It is great you want to be a peacemaker and sometimes it it helpful to have one, but sometimes it may not help. But the best thing to do is to be honest right up front to all of them in the beginning and if there is personality conflict then you may just need to be at peace with that and let it be.
I have always found it so funny that our childrens friendships usually stem out to be our friendships. We end up having similar dramas with the fellow moms. I've had my share. The sweet girl is not going to change, pregnancy is not really an excuse to act badly and it seems like she has made her decision on the group moms already. Be honest with her and let her know you like spending time with her, but, your child is friends with the other children and there will be times that you will be hanging out with the other moms. Perhaps the sweet girl is just not of the personality that meshes well with others, is an only child and not too accustommed to the chaos, is freaking out because she's pregnant...it could be so many things....so just be honest, know yourself and what you want to do and do for you. Good luck!
With my first I really NEEDED those playgroups for companionship since we had just moved and I quit a busy sales job to stay home, so I was lonely. But some others in the group had lots of friends in town or lots of family near by and could take or leave the extra playdate. I guess it depends on how much you yourself value this group and its companionship. I did not "click" with all the moms in our group but found it great fun to socialize, even if I did not agree with all viewpoints. The fun is in hanging out together and watching the kiddos and discussing milestones, not necessarily a deep existential discussion of inner beliefs, lol! I would keep going to the group if you enjoy it, and keep meeting with your friend if you enjoy her, and leave it at that. You are not the entertainment director for either, nor are you required to include everyone in everything. If she asks straight out, then tell her the truth: that you only found out after several missed get togethers that others in the group thought there was not a good fit and therefor stopped asking her to come.
SAHMama drama. This sounds so high school. So, who's the queen bee calling the shots? Personality conflicts are a part of life and this group is not tolerable of the "new" girl. This group is not for her. I would stay out of this mess. If she were a close friend, I would tell her. No one wants to be somewhere they aren't wanted or appreciated. These ladies have too much time on their hands.
this sounds so much like elementary and highschool drama. i remember those kids who would exclude tothers. i never did care how smart, dumb, rich, poor a kid was...ok the rich kids really did get on my nerves and still do...well the people who boast or brag about there money i find to be very offensive. I just left those ppl in my dust. I still see these ppl doing this now. Dont talk to so and so. Or we dont want to be friends with so and so. I suppose I truly would still hang out with this group of people as long as they werent snotty about me hainging out with who ever I wanted too. I also would not be very supportive of them excluding me. I would feel they were using her as an excuse and didnt truly want me around. I might give them another try if I truly felt they wanted me around. But at the first sign of unwantedness I would be outta there.
Perhaps you should closely examine the "friends" you have made and be sure you want to hang out with a crowd who would disparage a pregnant woman that they barely know. Imagine what things they might be saying about you behind your back ...
