Fits and Fussiness: Please Help!

You're the change - sorry.

At the daycare, they don't tolerate tantrums. So she was a pleasant baby, and you enjoyed the fruits of the daycare firmness on tantrums. So with just a little correction, you got the same results as the daycare.

Now you are the ONLY disciplinarian. She's pushing you to see what she can get away with.

Your little girl has had some big changes recently. Other replies have covered this and they're right on.

a couple ideas: Call your daughters former caregivers, the lead teacher/caregiver she was with, if possible. Ask her if you could meet for coffee and if she could tell you what *they* were doing when tantrums and the acting up started, and how they dealt with it. Sometimes, having the continuity helps. Pay her if you need to (offer her a $25 consulting fee or something... it may be worth it.)

Second, for toddlers, I love this book :"The Science of Parenting " by Margo Sunderland. Despite the title, it's actually a pretty fun, easy read and will help you know what to expect of your daughter emotionally and how to 'meet her' in this way. Toddlers are all about the social and emotional development.

16 months may be too young for Time Outs to make a positive impact. Dr. Sears doesn't recommend them until at least 18 months. I didn't use them with my son until he was well into three. They didn't make sense for us and distracted us from getting done what we needed to do. Each child is different. I used a lot of positive guidance at this age.

Kids will divert their eyes from intense adult gaze at nearly all ages. Esp. during discipline. It is an intense experience for them. Try talking to her body parts. If her hands are grabbing: "Can I talk to your hands? Hands, I need you to let go now while I change the diaper. You can hold this (offer a toy) while we do it. Can you shake the toy? Can you show me your fingers? Can you wiggle them?" Distraction, distraction.

Less talking, more physical assisting. Kids need less talk and very simple directions. Don't worry about explanations so much at this age. Give her the direction you need to give, model it if necessary, and then help her do it after giving it once or so.

My last suggestion is to consider if you *might* have a spirited child. NOT the euphemistic bratty 'spirited child', but a child who has strong opinions and particular feelings about what needs to be done and how. Playful parenting books might help, but do also look into some materials on truly spirited kids. I've worked with several of them. They can really give us a run for our money as toddlers and preschoolers, but the ones I know have become very self-motivated, neat, exciting young people who have done well academically and are succeeding in their lives. They have a very strong sense of what is 'right' to them. I'm not saying that your daughter IS spirited, but it might be worth checking out to see if your daughter fits into this particular category and to gain some strategies for working with her personality instead of against it.

You sound like a really nice mom, not a crappy parent at all. :) We've all been there... just ask me about the time my son had a tantrum and fell into a metal stand at the grocery store and gave himself a black eye! THAT was a day!

A couple of things jumped out at me.

First, she's not at daycare anymore; she's home with mom and no kids to play with. She's probably used to some structure from being at daycare. Do you have a daily schedule that you follow so she knows what to expect? If not, I would try to implement one. Kids like consistency.

Also, I tend to agree with Dad on Purpose that she is pushing you to see where the boundaries are. You have to be consistent and firm with those boundaries. Anything less is going to create problems because she is looking for the security of the boundaries.

Finally, her illness. If she has an auto-immune problem, maybe she just doesn't feel well. I know I'm crabby when I don't feel well and just want to be left alone.

Welcome to 16 months (and 1 year, and 2 years, and 3 years).

I completely agree with everyone else, but I also think tantrums come with having children. Now you have to decide how you're going to handle the tantrums, and you need to be consistent. She is testing her boundaries, and she will continue to do this more and more over the next few years. Your response will dictate to some extent the frequency and length of the tantrums. She will also be grumpier and more likely to have tantrums if she isn't feeling well, or isn't sleeping well (like you mentioned).

A child throwing tantrums does not make you a bad mom. If that was true, we would all be awful. Hang in there, Mom. You sound like a wonderful, concerned mom that wants to help her daughter.

She is/has been sick recently – if a strep infection turns out to be part of the problem, google PANDAS – an aftereffect that changes some children's behavior (usually resulting in OCD tendencies, but could affect other behaviors as well.)

Otherwise, I think Hazel's advice is spot on. Younger kids do go through periods where they are simply not in reliable control of their emotional state. For most children, that control develops, slowly and naturally, through the toddler years and beyond.

Some children are born more spirited or intense, and others are born with or develop health challenges that make calmness and happiness more difficult. One of my sisters was never a calm or happy baby, and still isn't a calm or happy adult. As much as we all wish otherwise, she apparently can't help it – that's just her mental state. In spite of, and perhaps because of, frequent and severe punishment through her early childhood (way back in the 40's), she's never been able to develop much self-control.

Now that behavioral science has become an influence in parenting, there is more hope and help for kids who are "exceptional" in this way. Hazel's suggested book is excellent, and others may help you as well. I have especially liked Dr. Harvey Karp's practical approach in The Happiest Toddler on the Block. You can also watch a few quick videos about his approach: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He demonstrates exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language so they know he's heard the need they are expressing. This calms them and makes it easier for them to cooperate.

Wishing you the best.

I agree with Angela - Welcome to the terrible 2s which start around that age.

Like Angela said - be consistant! And make sure she gets plenty of sleep. Bed by 7:30 and naps.

Also understand that this is normal and it's not your parenting. Before you had kids, seeing a tantrum in a store made you think that your kid would never act like that. Well, welcome to being a parent - your kid will do that! :) Wait till they start smacking you around trying to exert their independance. LOL

It's a fun, wild rollercoaster and you are just starting :) Hang on!!

She's hit her Terrible Two's early, at the same time my daughter did...they lasted until she was 3.5 :( And, yes, your daughter knows what's she's doing when she diverts her eyes, it's her way of not listening to you. Gently cup her face in your hands towards you when you want her to make eye contact. She won't like it a bit, but she'll learn and know you mean business.

The best advice I can give you is be consistent, pick your discipline and stick to it, that is how she will learn. Continue with your routines and boundaries, children actually want them because they then know what to expect. If she has a fit in the grocery cart let her have it so other people see her, act distracted and patiently go over your list or clean out your purse and let her think you're not aware she's having one. When she has quieted down resume what you were doing, that way she will learn she is not in control. Do this at other times as well when she isn't cooperating.

I will pray for her that she does not have an auto-immune disorder (I have fibromyalgia and it is hard for me to deal with at times) or a pulmonary problem. And you are NOT a crappy parent, just the parent of a willful child, {{HUGS}}

Hi K.,

I feel for you, as I'm also struggling with the same thing. My youngest is 2.5, and he has been a "spirited" baby since he was about 10-11 mos old. He wants to be in control of everything, and can't handle it when I have to step in and change things up.

I think you're correct that sleep is a big factor. I know this because I have a daughter who will be turning 10 yrs old on Saturday. She has also always been quite spirited since infancy. She and my youngest have never been good sleepers. My middle child, a 6 yr old boy is pretty even-keeled and he sleeps like a log.

Perhaps whatever your daughter is ill with is effecting her sleep. I had my 2.5 yr old's adenoids checked recently because his pedi thought they might be enlarged. They are slightly enlarged. Not enough to warrant surgery, but certainly enough to make him a restless sleeper. The poor sleeping definitely effects his demeanor.

As for dealing with the behavior, I wish I had a simple answer. It's a daily struggle. I find I have a bit of success when I can offer my son a lot of choices so that he feels he has some control. I would also suggest letting her do what she enjoys as much as possible. Let some things slide around the house so you can sit at the bottom of the stairs while she goes up and down. I've let my son take things out of cabinets and make a big mess, knowing that it will be all me cleaning it up, because it made him happy. Sometimes it's easier to clean up after them, then to deal with a meltdown. Choose your battles. Save "No" for dangerous situations, or when you absolutely must end the fun to move onto to something else.

Best wishes!

My advice is to give her choices. This outfit or this one, this cereal or this one, etc. Let's her have a sense of control. For car seat trauma what works with my little one is to tell her I will give her doll or whatever, once she's strapped in.

Sometimes what works is distraction. I've been known to act like a monkey when my daughter acts up- it surprises her and she forgets what she was having a fit about.

All this being said every child is different. What you may find difficult to deal with now may be a personality trait that serves her well when she is older. Good luck.