Financially Supporting Your Parents

I think I would have a harder time with my husbands attitude than I would with covering a bill or two, etc.
His behavior/attitude is VERY passive-aggressive.
And 65 is NOT too "old" to learn new financial strategies.
Sounds like she's never been taught to handle money?

I love JB's answer also.

My childhood was rough, but it was good at the same time. My mom got into drugs when I was 16/17 kicked me out of the house, you name it. Grew up around Hell's Angels...need I say more, but my mom (also a single mom when she finally got away from my very abusive step dad) did the very best she knew how to do. It wasn't so much a question of doing more to better herself, but doing the only thing she did know. Which was chug along and make ends meet.

I would never deny my mom things she needed, we have 8 kids, bills and responsibilities, but if my mom needed something she would have it. That day hasn't come, and actually I feel bad for her cause she is supporting her household (with MUCH younger siblings in it) and helps support my sisters household. So I help her, by helping out my sister and her lazy as boyfriend ( he used to work, and then just decided to not anymore, he says he has a job in January...we'll see) my husband would never deny me helping my family. He is frustrated with my sister, but family is family and as JB said charity starts at home.

Would I buy her a coat, sure. Would I buy her a $500 coat, no. I would keep it a small budget. Maybe what you can do is set aside a small budget each month for your mom. This might make your hubby feel better about it. If you spend the whole amount one month, then that's it. if you don't, then you have more for a month that might have something else come up. I can understand the resentment he feels. But I can also understand a little on your mom's side if she has health issues. You have to determine if she is truly needy or if she is taking advantage of you. I have a relative that has several health issues and has no clue how to manage for herself. She takes advantage of another relative, tried to take advantage of me. She has been cut off but when totally necessary we will help. But it is a matter of taking her to the store for her new coat, not "here's $50, go buy a new coat"

I think if she were a great mom you would give her the world and that says it all. It says you love her and want the best for her.

It's just not the way it is or ever was. You have to live in reality.
My parents werent rich by any means but they lived within their means and it was my absolute pleasure to give to them. My H's mom was incredibly frugal most of her life but then got a prescription drug problem and went crazy. She has plenty money and terrible habits. It's disgusting.

My obligations are that she has food, shelter and clothes and is safe.
I can't make her happy. That's what you need to be evaluating. If you can get her into supplemental housing that takes a percentage of her pay that would be of value to you and her. Contact an elder care division of your state or an elder care attorney that is certified by your state.
They usual provide one meal a day. She is going to need it at some point.
Do it before you are faced with the decision of where she stays when she is hurt or can't work.
So if I were you I would make a fund but not for frivolous things. It would be a fund for an attorney to make that day go smoothly. That's going to be a significant day and if you prepare for it, your H won't be so overwhelmed when it comes.

Although I am not a fan of Dr. Phil, I am going to quote him. "You can't solve money problems with money". I understand your mom may need things but she is continuing to choose to spend her disposable income to support Jimmy Swaggert ministries. I am not saying I would not buy her a coat at Christmas time but I am with your husband on this one in that I would not be willing to provide on going financial support.
It is great that you own your own cars but I would really have hated having student loans at 33 years old. You need to get rid of that debt and start saving for your own retirement so your kids are not burdened with your care. JMO, take it for what it is worth, but be careful who you ask this question to. I have found that people are often very generous with other people's money. Additionally, for me to say I would help my mom is not the same as you helping yours since my mom is a saver and very responsible with money. Therefore, I can not imagine any circumstances where I would have to help support my mother.

That's a hard spot to be in. But you have a family that comes first. Your mom comes second. If you have a personal spending budget perhaps you can take a bit from it.

Your husband is right in this instance and you don't want to cause a riff in your marriage.

I know it is a hard place. I have seen this with my husband. HIs mom used to think we were the Bank of Mom but that stopped a long time ago. If she asked for money it had to be for a good purpose and then I would pay the bill direct. Of course she didn't like it but that was me. She also called me once when hubby was on the road (long haul trucker) and "thought" we had extra money to send her. I told her I had bills to pay and I didn't have any extra (which was true). She never called again and asked for money. I didn't make those bills and I couldn't pay them because it would cause me problems. We have sent some money for things but there had to be a reason otherwise it didn't get sent.

I know life is tough but you didn't make it this way for her. She shouldn't expect you to bail her out.

A long time ago my FIL stated that to send her money was like throwing it the ocean. You do what you can but within reason. Stop giving yourself a guilt trip.

The other S.

PS We, too, live within our means. It's just that recently we have had some hefty medical issues which drained the savings considerably.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Think of that with your mom and how she spends her money. Don't take from your pockets to support her or you will right down there with her. Sorry.

Hi S., I have the same situation as you so I will give you my opinion. My mom is 66, but I'm 45. When she was 19 she got pregnant by the boy next door, literally, and didn't marry him. I have never even met him, tho he has known how to reach me for the last 45 years. Now my mom, for being a single mom (I'm an only child too) did well financially. My grandparents raised me until she bought a house in her early 20's. Then I lived with her full time, but it was party city at our house, I basically spent my childhood in my room with my pets and toys. Fast foward. My mom has never made smart finacial choices either. Although she worked for the same company for 35 years and retired, she blew thru her money and 401k. NOW...she is after me to help her financially. I own an insurance agency and my second husband does very well selling Aflac. HOWEVER, due to our crappy divorces, our retirement funds were wiped out and we are trying to recover from that. I'm torn about giving my mom cash, because she will likely go on eBay and spend it on something stupid. I'm also afraid of just saying, mom, I'll pay your electric bill each month to help out, because then that LOCKS me into it and because we are commission only business owners, we don't know how much we will make month to month. Now, for your situation...if you mom is not asking all the time, then if I were you, I would try to help her. But I would NOT give her cash. I would by her new shoes or pay a bill here and there. My husband is like your husband. He feels bad for her, yet these were the choices and decisions that SHE made and continues to make. So yes, its tough. We also follow Dave Ramsey to a point, basically paying cash for everything. We have no debt except to the IRS, lol. So I understand what you are saying. I would talk to your husband and see if he is willing to put mom in the budget and if so, then you are good to go. But I would also ask your mom what she's going to do for the future? My mom still works, but she can't work forever, so who will pay her bills then? We are in the same boat and I hope you find something that works for you. Good luck!

I like Hazel's advice.

How about this for a compromise? Do you and your husband each give yourselves an allowance? This is like mad money that you each get to buy whatever frivolous thing you want. If you can budget for each of you to get an allowance (like $25 a week) to spend however you want, you can use whatever's yours to buy things for your mom.

This will not take away from your grocery budget, kids' college funds, or any other family funds. The only one who will feel the effects of your mom's wants and needs is you. And then you can truly decide how much you are willing to help her. Your husband can stay out of it and spend his allowance on candy :-)

First, you need to take care of your own marriage and family first. This means being on the same page with your husband in how the finances are run. I'm not saying 'he's right, you're wrong", only that you need to come to some sort of agreement.

If it were me, I'd focus on giving in ways that matter and are caring without taking responsibility for her. (Esp. if she's sending money to televangelists while on a strict budget.... you don't want to enable her.) I would do a gift certificate to the salon for the hair cut, or a gift card to the grocery store. I would not give cash, and I would stay within a reasonable amount.

It sounds like you feel very obligated toward your mother. I would encourage you to explore why that is, and how to get healthy with 'how much' obligation is reasonable. She did make some hard choices when you were young, but you are not responsible for her making those choices. Now she is making choices to send money to others and then is asking *you* for money, so I can understand your husband's frustration. So, it's likely that he'd be more in agreement with you helping her out on a Costco run than it would be if you handed her money to spend. But be sure to be in agreement with him first.

Well if that's how hubby feels then I would have to agree with him. BUT... I would make sure on her birthday, mothers day, earth day,christmas day, valentines day, Martin Luther Kings day, forth of July, ground hog day, any day that is celebrated on the Calender I would make sure she has what she needs. Just making sure she is only included on those day of course.

What your hubby needs to realize is that your mother did the best job she could. You admit she doesn't have stable mental health and she suffers with a debilitating condition.

If you can afford it, I would try to work something into the budget. No matter what has transpired in the past, she is still your mother and I can tell that you love her. Tell hubby that you've really thought about it and when you're on your death bed, you don't want to have any regrets about not helping your mother.

We both make sufficient money, but I still shop Goodwill, go to sales, do without, have elminated magazines and things I can get at the library and try to save. When it comes to his family my husband doles out money to whomever, his mother has never actually had a job since I married him eighteen years ago, but he now helps her because she takes care of father in law who is in a coma. so it would be difficult for her to work. But I am older than him and she had children young, so she is not that much older than me and I sometimes resent it. I have however realized that if I squawk about it I am only causing problems because he has moved far away from his mother and father and he feels guilty. I'm getting there. So, I told him once, twice and a couple of times and will tell you, too, that a budget or monthly 'gifts' should help because it's not resented here or missed that much as all these 'donations' and they do add up, and then she can do what she wants. I have resented it when he tossed money to his brother for school, only to find out he used hundreds of dollars on some other not good stuff and his mom went wardrobe shopping for new jeans while I wear the Goodwill ones. It is more fair to both of you if it is upfront and accounted for so I said next time to send the money to the actual school.
I wear used coats, your mom can too and despite fybromyalgia I work with a man who has that and he is at work daily and takes on extra duty also. He is medicated and functions despite his pain. And there are online classes to do things at home -perhaps check those out for her. Yes, you will be enabling her to continue to be that way so yes a budget might work but I am guessing if you find a place for her to upgrade some skills so she can live better. She is no longer the poor single mom she is a free mature woman who has the power of choice. And I'd like to add this: my mother got her bachelor's degree TWO YEARS AGO IN HER LATE SEVENTIES
And I just reread my note to make sure I don't sound insensitive. Your mother did the best she could at the time but you should not feel bad. Help her by helping her to take care of herself. You have a family, too, and you made your choices to do well. My mother (the one who got the Bachelor's Degree in her seventies-well, did I mention she also raised six children by HERSELF? It aint over til it's over. You can help her have the best possible self she can be without feeling guilty. So if you have to do some legwork, finding her a way to plan her life, that might be as helpful if not more than handing her money all the time.

Honestly, I feel your desire to be helpful. After all, that's what makes us human. I hope you and your husband can reach an agreement about a budget for helping your Mom. Perhaps this would best be done through a couple of counseling sessions, which would also help each of you fully appreciate (beyond understanding) each other's perspectives. My best explantation for helping others is to live liberally (towards others) as we live conservatively (working to be responsible for ourselves). My very best to you, as a wife, a daughter, and a child of God. Peace.

I can understand what your going thru as I had a few similar circumstances.

What would I do? (Some of these things I did do while my mother was living) First off, I would not give her any money. However, I would put aside a small amount to help her out. By helping her out, I would do things like buy her items she needs (winter coat, personal care items, food basket) for Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. It's cheaper to buy food in bulk, so buy some extra and give it to her, or shop together and split the costs. Go get your hair cut together and pick up the tab. Borrow her car and return it with a few gallons of gas.

I will agree that her age you can not expect to her to make any dramatic financial changes. However, you may be able to make a few suggestions or teach her one or two money saving techniques you've learned over the years.

Remember, the bottom line is you, hubby and your children come first. You and hubby need to be on the same page.

Good luck.

Would I buy my mom a coat? Sure. Would I buy her shoes? Sure. However, hair cut? No. She should be able to afford that. Master Cuts is inexpensive. I would help with the necessities but not supplement her income. I think that is the difference.

I have a friend who was diagnosed with fibro and RA. She is terrible some days but she still gets out of bed and does what needs to be done. Some people just aren't very strong. Your mom sounds that way.

A small budget might be okay but again, you and your husband need to agree with this. However, he needs to respect the fact that crappy mom or not she is still your mom and should get the respect of that.

I know people who have needs often have them because they don't do anything to help themselves and so you can give and give and it doesn't help them at all in the end. That is probably where you husband is coming from. We had a relative who we gave coats to and food and other things and then the house went up in flames as a result of carelessness and it was all lost. Over and over again it was like this. I think you could help out if there is a real need but there will always be needs. Is there any place you can find help for your mom's real needs? I don't where that would be but does she qualify for any kind of help or any groups that could help her out too? I mean for real needs. To just shell out to her all the time would really not help in the end probably. You could take over a casserole or something once in awhile or buy some things she might eat and little things like that too.

IMHO I do believe we have a 5th Commandment obligation to our parents, unlike other people including siblings. Now that does NOT mean to be their doormat.

I would not let her live on the street or go hungry, but I would not indulge her either. The basics, only, would be provided. And I do mean BASIC. No enabling.

I would tell my husband that we would do the same for his parents should the need arise.

Compromise. That's what you need to do with your husband. Tell him it will be impossible for you NOT to help her with the basics, but you want to respect his wishes too. Tell him you want to come to an agreement with him so that both of you feel ok with the situation.

I went thru this exact same thing with my own mother. Except my mom never worked a day in her life and lived on welfare her entire life.

I'd honestly go to a local thrift store and buy her the best coat I could find then take it to her. I'd also perhaps pay a bill so she wasn't living without heat in the winter but there would also be times that I would tell her I was broke and didn't have any money just so she'd appreciate the next time she asked when I was willing to help her.

She is old and pretty darn helpless. Perhaps she needs to downsize in to an apartment for seniors where she could be around people her own age and they'd take her rent out of her check/direct withdrawal on the day she gets it. The better option would be all bills paid too.

I am considering giving my mom a small allowance every payday. My husband won't care. My mom has poor health and lives on a fixed income. Basic needs I can help with and take her out for entertainment every so often. She has money issues occasionally. I know I can't fix them and I don't attempt to. It's not a responsibility I want to assume. I have learned to advise my mom without nagging her. You can always buy her groceries, pay a bill. There are many ways to help someone financially without actually handing over money, if that is your hubby's issue.