M. Asking for Money

Talk to her about not over spending her money. Tell her you love her and will always be there for her but that you can't always lend her money. She should understand and if she doesn't go over what you think her problems with money are.
GOOD LUCK.

If M.'s Social Security doesn't cover all of her expenses then she needs to either get another job or reduce spending. She can seek out low income senior housing, do her own nails, stop shopping ect.

Your M. is an adult and needs to be responsible to take care of herself. it's not your responsibility.

If she's living above her means and above yours, you have to draw a boundary line.
You are supplementing her SS with the extra 250.
My M. has quite a bit of money in her retirement account, but she hates to tap it knowing that she may live to be in her 90's. So she thinks I'm supposed to pay for stuff for her, and that my kids should buy her some new carpet and on and on.
Older people, when on a fixed income, get freaked out.
Don't support her bad habits, occasionally gift her frivilous ones wth a day out for a mani or pedi.
Don't let her take advantage of you to where you resent her.
But just remember this: She is your OLD M., some day YOU are going to be that OLD M. too! Set a good example so you will be treated with the same respect some day.... decide what you want THOSE boundaries to be, then and only then will you know what the right thing to do is.

Giving her money when she burns through it is like throwing it out the window.
And then she wants more.
Why did she quit?
She needs to go back to work 1) to earn some money and 2) while she's working she's not spending it.
She's got to live within her means.
Perhaps someone needs to take control of her money, put her on a budget and only dole out a little at a time so she doesn't blow it all in one go.

You posted a similar money question in January regarding your mother. As long as you continue to enable her this will never end. Good luck.

Based on your SWH it does not look like you are even paying her $10/ hour, which is about what baby sitters get... The only way that works out for her is if she sits for 2 hours on 3 days for 4 weeks and that comes out to $240. IF she does 3 hours on 5 days for 4 weeks it comes to $600. I am guessing that reality is somewhere in between. But I guess the point I am tryng to make is that if you are looking to pay her a reasonable about for her time then you probably do need to pay her more money.

That said, once you pay her the equivalent of what a sitter would be making, then she should not keep putting her hand out. Giving her money is a bad precedent... while I do believe that we should care for our parents as they age, I do not consider manicure a necessity.

Good luck!

Your M. needs to learn financial responsibility. You and your brother both are enabling her every time you give her money.

DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY.

I know it's tough to say no to your M.. The best thing you can do for her is give her Dave Ramsey's books or Suze Orman's financial advice book. She MUST be able to help herself, learn to budget and save as well.

It would be different in my book if this was a ONE TIME thing - however - since it's a constant issue - the more money you give her or your brother gives her - YOU BOTH are allowing her to be financially irresponsible. Therefore enabling her to continue to spend her money and not be held accountable for her actions.

Tell her you love her. Tell her that you will no longer enable her. Will she be pissed? OOH YEAH!!! because this is going to require her to have a HUGE change in her lifestyle. This is like the old saying - I have champagne tastes but a beer budget. So she needs to either do something to get HER earnings to champagne or learn to live within her means of her beer budget.

GOOD LUCK!!!

I don't think it's fair to act like you are responsible for supporting your M., or give her money for extra things, just because she did for you when you were growing up. Uh, hello! She is the PARENT! It's her JOB to make sure your needs are met during your childhood, and if she feels you deserved extra things, that was her prerogative. But you are grown up now, and have your own life and kids to take care of. It is completely your business what she is spending YOUR money on if she keeps guilting you into giving her more!

I hate to sound so harsh, but if she QUIT her job when she knew full well she couldn't survive on her SS and what you are already paying her, then her financial situation is her own fault. You shouldn't have to support your M. when she is perfectly capable of doing so herself. Now, if she was sick, her age made it too hard on her, or she had been laid off, it's a different story...

$250 a month... and she watches your child 3-5 times a week? She should get a raise.. or have a very predictable schedule so that she can go out and get another part time job. But still, her odds of finding one are very difficult.

i come from a belief that kids take care of parents. we just do. my dad retired years ago and his retirement check is a joke. my M. will retire in october. for years now, i have been giving them a set annual amount. they never asked for it. they live very simple and are not big spenders. but i don't want them to worry about their future in old age. that's why i do it. so i say if you can afford it, help her. if you don't, who will?

I would say the first thing you must do is go in for back surgery. Your backbone of warm jello needs to be replaced with a backbone of steel.

If you believe she is frivolous with her money, get her check book and find where the deposit is and where the money is being spent. If she has more bills than money then you know you judged her too harshly, unless the bills are for getting her hair done, her fingernails done, her toenails done, etc.

If she is addicted to garage sales then that is a hard habit to break. That's why you need the backbone surgery.

As for your brother telling you she's your M., . . . well, she's his mother too. He should be helping as much as you are.

I have a mother that saved and invested all her life. I have a mother in law that spent and wasted money all her life. My MIL earned more than my parents did, but my parents scrimped and saved and invested and finally paid off their home. They owned their own home for about 30 years before they died. My MIL has a drawer full of rent receipts. Guess who all the children chip in to support?

At 65, your M. is NOT too old to learn. It will require her changing her habits and may require you to change your habits. Put her on a budget. If she says she isn't going to do that, then don't help her. Uncontrolled spending is as hard to stop as cigarettes are.

If you want to make a list of income and bills and payments I'd be glad to help you. I was a finance major in college (BS degree) and a finance major in the School of Hard Knocks where I have a PHD. Another mamapedia M. had a problem with finances and we exchanged e-mails. I was able to take her from having more bills than money to being able to save about $200 per month.

Good luck to yours.

Sherry, you didn't ask for help. But the next step is to help her open a savings account. If she sells the house, invest the money in high dividend paying stocks. Look at AGNC. It pays about a 15% dividend.

I agree with ReverendRuby.

That extra money you are giving her? Is money that should be going into savings for your children, her grandchildren.

I suggest you sit down with her and go through her budget. Find out where the money is going.

If she really is out of money. Have discussion about her options. Get a job, rent out a room in her home, down size, or her stop wasting money.

As hard as it is and as guilty as you may feel..... your M. is not your responsibility... your family and children are your responsibility.

Your M. made her choices financially and now she is living with them. It is not fair for her to expect you to enable her poor spending habits. You should not be looked at as her retirement plan, you have your own retirement plan to work on.

I think it is great and fair that you do compensate her for watching your children. However, you do not "owe" her spending money, etc. What she does with her money is her choice (bad choices) and you should not put your family in financial strain to continue to bail her out.

Many grandparents would not accept money from their children and would put those funds into accounts for their grandchildren. That is the unselfish thing for your M. to do.

She needs to get a job, start being responsible for herself, maybe rent out a room in her house OR downsize, sell her things and move into a smaller place she can afford. Tough love is in order here.

Of course your M. does a lot for you.... I can tell you are grateful for that but she is using that to passive aggressively to make you feel guilty and give her more.

She needs a budget and learn to stick to it. It is not too late to learn delayed gratification.

Hang in there, stand up to her and your brother.

How much do you pay her for child care and how many days are we speaking about?

Are you and your husband strapped for money?

Did your mother raise you and your brother on her own?

Oh boy, I feel for you. And I can relate. We are in the thick of these issues. My husband's parents are completely irresponsible and clueless about money (not saying this is your M., just our situation). We know they are completely in debt. A few years ago they called on a Friday and basically said they hadn't paid their mortgage in a few months, and lawyers were calling and if they didn't have x amount of dollars paid by Monday they would be out of their house. We were so mad, of course we can't let them live on the streets, and that was no time frame to come up with a plan of action, so we took money from savings to pay it. My parents are actually responsible, but are elderly and not in great health, and they lost a TON of money they had invested due to the market crash how ever many years ago. So they live very close to broke and don't make the greatest decisions because of their age and health.

So we have been stressed about what to do. Of course we love them all and know we need to help- but how and how much is always a concern. What we always tell each other is that if we spend more than we should on them, we will eventually be the same burden to our daughter and we refuse to do that.

So long story. But I'm telling you this because it led to our eventual decision. We spent so much time saying "didn't they see these money issues coming?" and then realized we were doing the same thing. Don't we realize that if they have no forthcoming income and can't seem to make their bills, they will eventually need our help. So we started putting money aside in our savings account strictly for the purpose of helping our parents. We do not tell them about this money because then they will want it right now!

At different times,. we have told our parents we aren't able to just give them money for this or that. And we've said that if they are in need of something, they should mention it and we can apply money toward it instead of giving Christmas or birthday presents. Not fun, but it helped. His dad asked us to buy him a new tv, and we said no. I think we were lucky to set the precedent this way. If he had said they had no food or a bill or something, it would be hard to say no. But he learned that we will say no.

But we know that eventually they will need something big, and we will have to use the money. So my (long-winded) advice to you is this. If you know her situation won't change, and knowing you can't change her, then start saving a little each month in an account she doesn't know about. And in the mean time, learn to tell her 'no' as much as possible so that she relies on you less. It is so much easier said than done, I know. But you aren't doing her any favors by rescuing her. I know you know this.

Ultimately, you have to decide in advance with hubby how much you can afford to help in the long run. And figure out in advance plans to help meet her needs. What programs or non-profits offer services that will be able to help her. The more you know ahead of time, the less you'll be throwing good money after bad because you weren't prepared. And also be strong about making sure you don't sacrifice your future by spending more than you can afford.

It's so tough, I know. I never thought I would be raising kids and dealing with this at the same time. Not ready for this.... :-( Good luck to you, and know you are not alone.

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You mentioned your brother...where is he in all of this? Maybe you could tell your mother to check with him for anything extra. Set a limit on how much you can give her and that's it. Let her know that up front.

Reading other responses I say give her a raise and then offer to set up a loan for her that she can access if she really needs to borrow money but that she'll need to pay you back. It may be a little awkward, but she may tighten up if she knows she has to pay it back. Let your brother be her 'bank' if he's so ok with it ;)

If your brother wants her to live beyond her means, let HIM give her extra money. You are already paying her to watch your child even when you aren't working. So ignore your brother if he can't put his money where his mouth is.

Tell your M. that you'd like to take over paying her bills for her. The moment that SS check hits the bank account, pay the actual bills. Tell her that after the bills are paid, she has to figure out the other money.

Or, pay her bills directly with the money she earns from you. That way you know the bills get paid and she can't use it for something else.

If she doesn't get better with this, perhaps she shouldn't be able to write checks. Instead, she gets an allowance per week.

I think you need to stick to your guns on this. She chose to quit her part time job.

Dawn

Sit down with her and go over her monthly expenses and figure out what her budget should be. You may be shocked to find she should either have some money left over OR that she really is in NEED of some extra money.
Check the utilitity companys in her area, most often discounts for seniors with low income.
Help her SEE where her money is going.
There comes a time for ALL of us at one point where we have to give up "wants" over "necessities", it's a tough economy right now. Everyone needs to make their money work even if it means giving up a few things we like for pleasure. It's always worth it in the long term.

If I had not said no to my MIL I would be in the same boat you are in. She spent money she didn't have and thought hubby would bail her out.

Well she called a couple of times and hubby said M. need money. I asked for what and he couldn't or wouldn't tell me. The money was never given. Give me a reason and I will see what I can do but I just give it to give it. Another time she thought that since I had a husband I had extra money to give away. I told her that I had my own bills and didn't have any extra. She never asked again.

As much as you love her you have to look out for yourself and your family first. If there is any extra after saving then you can consider helping her. Get brother to foot the bills or tell him to shut up.

Life is hard but it is harder when you don't plan for it. You got to plan to take care of you as that is all you have. Perhaps you can up the amount a little you pay your M.. Let her know that is all you have. Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS If you don't watch out you will be her.

if you don't want to give her money then don't but it is none of your business what she wants to spend it on. We all buy frivolous things from time to time, or do things to pamper ourselves like get our nails done. I would ask you this though, how many times when you were growing up did she give you money to get your nails done? Your hair? buy you knew cloths? it is really so bad to give a little of that back if you can afford it?

there are other options for her other than mooching off of you guys. she could get a room mate, another part time job or move in with you...or your brother if either of you have the space. at 65 she can still live on her own then she should learn to budget. I would treat this like an out of control teen who is not managing her money and learning to live on what she has. As long as your bailing her out your not doing her any long term favors. If she moves in with you or your brother rent free then I would not lone her any money as social security checks would be enough mad money.

*I have tried putting her on a budget but she doesn't stick to it.* Because she has no reason to stick to it. She is aware of how much she has to spend and if she goes over SHE is responsible for it because SHE is the one who went over. Do not feel guilty but confident you are teaching her and your daughter will see this too a life skill she still needs to be adult about. So sorry your going through this. I have family that is in the same boat and I feel the same about them. If so and so would stop bailing them out they would get off there bum and get a job and support themselves thus feeling more confident they are able to take care on there own. Its really self destructive to be guilting others into fixing ones mistakes. Good luck.

Honestly, 62.50 per week is not very much pay for babysitting. Where I used to live, I used to have to pay that monthly amount you pay her PER week (full time)...and that was for a provider who had multiple children to take care of. I realize she is your M. but I would find out what the going rate is by calling a few daycares and pay her close to the going rate. Then, also offer to help her get her finances figured out. If it is too difficult to do it directly yourself, then see about some Dave Ramsey classes in your area that she could go to. I feel like there is probably a little bit of problem on both sides here...she doesn't get paid enough and maybe she also doesn't manage her money as wisely as she could. Obviously nails and shopping are not really necessary expenses but you never know what kind of bills people have.