Expectations - San Antonio,TX

I too had unrealistic expectations about my marriage (we divorced after being together 15 years, married for eight). Buy if I had it to do all over again I would have been more proactive in conversations, improvement and making the marriage at work. We were equally at fault but maybe if I had insisted on it instead of taking the easy way out we would be together instead of living less than a mile apart and parenting together every day.

"Expectations" can really either impede/hinder or promote a marriage and relationship.

If 'expectations' are UN-attainable, then well, the other person will ALWAYS be disappointed in the other person. That other person, then, is always not happy because the other Spouse is 'always' displeased with the other spouse. NO matter what the other person does to please them.
It is impossible.
It is a vicious cycle.
And, will negatively affect your marriage.

No one, can ever attain the expectations of the other person, if it is unfair or simply not possible or based on poor stereotypes of how a person 'should' act.

Some people are also, VERY inflexible. In what they 'expect' of others.
It is then OPPRESSIVE for the others.
The person who is inflexible, is then a sore thumb in the family and the others ALWAYS have to walk on egg-shells around that person.
Because, that person is always, not happy or satisfied with anyone. And the Spouse.

So, it is that person's maladjustment... that is badly affecting the relationship and marriage and family/Wife/Kids.

You need to talk about it. But people like this do NOT like to be 'criticized.'
Or you go to Counseling.
That person, has to 'learn' about other ways of being... and to do SELF-Improvement on themselves... for the whole of the family.
It is a selfish thing... when that person is negatively impacting their family/Wife... and will not, improve.

It is egocentric, to say the least.

The MAIN THING: is to NOT let, your Husband devalue you and your kids. This is HARMFUL and toxic.
Do not let him and his 'opinionated' and stiff attitudes, affect your own sense of Self, and confidence.

KNOW, that it is him... that needs to improve. And he has to realize that too.
Because, his 'habits' of his attitudes, are negatively affecting everyone's well-being.
That is when, and the signal, that someone's attitudes are harmful and not, healthy.

Being that your Husband lost his job... ALSO may mean that he is Depressed. And needs help.
Or he will continue to take it out on you and the kids.
This is NOT healthy.
Have him see a Doctor.
Or does he have too much Pride?

Also, the more he continues to be this way... he will lose his kids. Meaning, they will not trust him, nor go to him for anything, nor tell him anything about themselves or their lives... nor go to him for any problems etc. And this is, sad.
A Parent, needs to put their issues aside, to nurture their children.
Otherwise, the kids will 'learn' not to go to him for anything. And he will lose any closeness... with his family.
Because they are all walking on eggshells, around him.

Someone, has to stand up to him.
And tell him.
Otherwise, it will be an entrenched, problem the longer it goes on.
He needs, a wake-up call.

DO NOT blame yourself.
Your Husband, is a caustic Cactus, that is impeding everyone's happiness in the family. And his kids.
That is sad.
He needs to wake up.
He is harming the kids, and you. His Wife.

The longer your Husband does this, it will be, abusive.

all the best,
Susan

I'm a newlywed so not fair for me to answer this. :o) However, I am divorced also and felt this way in my first marriage. Boy did I learn alot about myself as well as my ex and what happened during our marriage to cause the END of our marriage. And I even waited until I was 30 to marry whom I thought was the "right one". Anyway, I think you should read "The Proper Care and Feedings of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger also. I don't agree with it 100% but gives great insight to men. Same thing for The Love Dare. It has saved many marriages. Good luck!

Everyone has expectations in all their relationships. Personally, I don't think a marriage free of yelling is an unreasonable expectation, but that's just me. You might find counseling helpful, to decide for yourself which of your expectations are reasonable and which need a little tweaking. And then you could talk to your husband about them. I'll pm you more on this.

Ugh - someone *seriously* suggested The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? That book is probably one of the GREATEST justifications for women to REJECT the traditional roles imposed upon us in the past, and instead to embrace the myriad of opportunities and challenges available to us now. (it is possible to have a happy marriage while working outside the home, letting your husband cook dinner, leaving the house a mess, and being too tired for sex once in awhile). I'd go so far as to say that book is actually a fabulous printed argument AGAINST the institution of marriage.

Who wouldn't want a wife like those described in that book? The problem is - who the he'll would want to be one?

Having a husband home ALL the time is more stressful than caring for 3 infants alone. Seriously. I never imagined that his being around CONSTANTLY would be the worst part of him becoming disabled. It is a stress I could not imagine and I decided not to waste one second feeling horrible for feeling this way. That would make me feel worse.

I talked to him, which he took badly. I finally made arrangements for me to do something outside of the house. I can't spend 24/7 with any one person.
I also became friends with a lonely neighbor who said I could come over anytime, but that was a mistake because she then wanted me to come over every single day and was hurt that I didn't.

My friend visited me three times one year when her husband was grumpy.
It gave them both a break.

Can you two get a break that doesn't cost money? Walks, visit a relative out of town?

I use to feel the same way! I had very high expectations. For some odd reason I thought men bought their wife flowers once a month, do things with out asking, do nice sweet gestures and life was filled with rainbows and glitter. Those stupid movies set me up! lol I really thought that was how my marriage was going to be! It was for the first 6m or so! Then reality and life happened! We love each other dearly.It just is not exactly what I thought it was~

All marriages go through that phase of expectations vs. reality, and both sides usually need to make adjustments in terms of what is realistic to expect from one another. And I'm sure the added stress of him being out of work is just making things worse.
If you go to church, meeting with a pastor or marriage support group may be helpful. I'm not sure if you need counseling (?) but I think the church programs can be very supportive and nurturing when couples are struggling.
Hang in there, MANY of us have been there and gotten through it :)

Go to counseling together. Clearly the two of you aren't on the same page, and your children will start noticing. Your husband has frustrations he needs to work on if he's yelling a lot, and you can learn how to help him with this. Please seek help.

I found/find myself unhappy as well due to my expectations. I guess I assumed I'd have what I grew up seeing in my parents - I saw the way a family was run and thought it was normal........well I learned hard and fast that not everyone grew up in the same sort of family and that everyone's expectations and normalcy are different. I struggle with it all of the time.

If you both want to work on it it can be saved....best of luck

I'm extremely happy in my marriage. That's not to say that either one of us is perfect but we both strive to make the other one happy all the time. Try focusing on the things you do love about him, not on things that bother you. If you look, you will be able to find things wrong with anybody because none of us are perfect. But there is a reason you married him in the first place, so my advice would be to try to remember those things and make sure you're taking time for eachother, still dating and such.

Sounds like he has a very controlling nature. I used to date a guy like that, always telling me what to do & how to do it...everything I did was always 'wrong', telling me who I could be friends with, etc. I was able to get out of that situation but when kids are involved, it can be a bit more difficult. Sometimes people act like that b/c they're insecure about either themselves or the relationship itself. I also like to suggest looking up his star sign...Aries, Taurus, etc. b/c while I don't really 'follow' astrology, when I looked up the different personality traits of people when they're born, it really helped me to better deal with & accept their personality & the way they act sometimes. I got lucky, me & my hubby are both Aries so we have the same personality & get along most of the time, rarely do we argue. I suggest marriage counseling but if that doesn't seem to help, sometimes separating is the best answer for everyone. Sometimes people just don't get along & there's not much that can be done if the one causing most of the issues refuses to change. There's nothing wrong about what you expect from your husband in your marriage. He should not be yelling at you or the kids nor dictating to you 'how' things "should be". Good luck!