Hello ladies...here is the deal....
SS (stepson, 18 lives w/us) moved out of his mom's house when he turned 18 (last Oct). His mom is Mormon and has A LOT of rules at her house. SS is still going to church and is doing really good in school. I thought everything was going good-well, as good as can be expected. Ex HATES my DH and they DO NOT communicate in any way. We have not heard Ex's voice in almost 6 yrs. We communicate thru e-mail and only about visitation schedules. We operate on a "to each's own" kinda basis. We don't interfere in her business w/the kids and she doesn't interfere w/ us (although the kids were told at a very young age that we are not Righteous and do not have the same values as they do...whatever!)
Last Saturday SS went to his mom's house to celebrate 2 of his brothers b-days. All of their family was there as well as a lot of their church friends, the bishop etc. Ex wife took that opportunity to talk with SS about the fact that she believes he is GAY! SS got home, opened the front door and exclaimed "I am so Pissed" and then told us what happened. He was visibly upset and horribly embarrassed. He explained to his mom that he is NOT gay. But she said she had proof and told him of some things she had learned from people at his school....such as he was wearing a pink scarf around one day, acting a fool....then that he has been seen driving his car with his legs crossed.....also that he was seen making a girl cry and that his mom believes that he has anger issues with woman? SS did where a pink scarf, he has a pink dress shirt and has never been afraid to wear the color pink. SS can not physically drive his car with his legs crossed, this is just weird? SS was consoling a friend who was having a bad day, not making her cry.
I asked some questions about their conversation and I think that she was trying to tell him that it was OK, if he was gay and that he could move back home and she would be OK with it....but I do not know. SS doesn't think this is what she was going for...because she was accusing him and she was angry while talking to him. SS is still upset and did not go to Monday family night. SS is mad that she has people spying on him and reporting back to her and also mad that she is believing others over him.
I believe she pulled him in another room to talk but SS said that everyone could easily hear her because she was loud and yelling.
We are all at a loss of what to think about why she would do this to him? We are thinking she is trying to make sense of why he moved out but SS is not gay...never appeared to be gay...not something I/we have ever thought about....this kinda blindsided us....still confused?
We will probably not ever say anything to her about this....she is a hard person to talk to, she is always right and can warp reality to the way she wants it with out missing a beat....so nothing would get accomplished by talking to her about it. BUT what is SS supposed to do? How is he supposed to interact w/ his mom knowing she feels this way about him? SS said when he left the party his mom was still under the impression that he was gay....she did not believe him when he said he wasn't.
Oh man. Well, unfortunately, you can't reason with crazy. If he is 18, he is legally an adult and has no obligation to see her or interact with her. I would take a long break and let her think what she wants. When she finally makes contact with him, maybe she'll be more apt to listen if she knows he has no desire to have a relationship with her if she is going to be that disrespectful. Poor kid!
Wow. That's tough. There is a point when kids stop being children and start being their own person. It seems like he has reached that point. He's gonna have to figure this one out for himself. With lots of support from you and dad, of course. You might see if he wants to go talk to a therapist. It might help him sort through his feelings and give him tools to deal with his other family and life in general.
So sorry for the unnecessary drama. Geesh.
Totally agree w/ those responding so far. He is 18, but still needs your love and support and sounds like he's getting it. The only thought I had was maybe you could email her and ask her if there is anything she needs you guys to do to help her with her "concern". MAYBE she'll open up about her intent??? or maybe you don't even want to go there. Keep loving him and supporting him - poor guy.
It may be that your son needs to sit down and compose an email to his mom about what was going on, she may have been upset and had just been told these things at the party and was over reacting. Knowing LDS people too I know it's a BIG thing for her to say she'd be okay with it. That tells me she really must love him. I know religion can cause a lot of issues between ex spouses. He must be a fine young man that you are proud of. Just love him and help him to keep in communication with his mom and siblings. He will miss them and will want to still visit. Your helping him to get through this hard place has the opportunity to teach him how to deal with conflict as an adult.
.
Did you ever play the game charades in school? Or telephone? What people see and/or hear is NOT always what actually happened. Its like the movies where the kids overhear the parents being sarcastic, get mad becuase they don't understand its sarcasm, and don't stick around to hear the truth.
It seems to me that that is what's happened. Some busy body friend of the mom or their kid saw things and told their mom, etc... and that the ex is SO worried about what her social circle will think, and being politically correct that she would accuse your son and not believe him. It could be that there is a spiteful girl at your son's school that is trying to make him look bad for some reason. I mean what would you do if the daughter of a church member said something happened, you asked your son, and he denied it? If you believe your son, then the church member's daughter is a liar. You can't come out and say THAT, because then it make's the church member look bad. If that church member is someone who is friend's with people who matter to your social circle, then those people will be against you because you called their friend's kid a liar.
Your son knows the truth about his life. The fact that his mom puts her social standing above the truth is a sad thing for her. All it is doing is driving him away.
Good luck
M.
Wow! What a weirdo! Wouldn't it be funny if your ss just acted gay around her, never saying anything just acting? He could cross his legs and wear pink everytime he sees her, be feminine. This woman is a wacko, controll freak, I would just stick to emails WHEN you do have to talk to her. I wouldn't talk to her about it, she's the one who looks like a nut here, and people probably do realize this.
SInce your SS is 18 it is up to him what type of interaction he has with his mother. My personal opinion is that she did this to make herself feel better, as if he moved out only to avoid this issue. I would continue to be supportive of him and remind him that he is a man now and has the right to do as he pleases. Not to say that he should ever be rude or disrespectful to his mother however he needs to know that HE is in control of his life, not her. She sounds like a real control freak to me. I feel for your SS as having a parent that is controlling can make anyone feel a bit nutty. Please remind your SS that no matter what she says the truth will always prevail. He has no need to prove he isn't gay or validate what she said. Poor kid. I send you and your family many happy thoughts!!
