Do You & Your Partner Come from the Same Socioeconomic Status?

Yes, and most couples that I know that didn't, have issues concerning money, in-laws, and expectations.

But, similar socio-economic status does not equal similar beliefs and behaviors concerning money. Similar values and behaviors concerning spending/saving/charity/kids&money, I think, are more important than amount of money present.

No. My dad was an officer in the Navy and my mom was a stay at home mom. We had a comfortable life and never wanted for anything.

My husband's mom was a single mom of 3 kids and worked several jobs. My husband is 6 years older than his siblings and he often had to help take care of them. She did the best she could, but they didn't have much. However, the whole family lives on a huge plot of land, and they still do. So tons of family support and I don't think anyone ever went without anything.

I notice differences that my husband saves everything...if I see mold on a piece of bread, a grape, a block of cheese, it all goes in the trash. He cuts off the bad part and keeps the rest.

Sometimes though my husband gets those big eyes and I have to reel him in. Just because money is open on a credit card doesn't mean it needs to be spent. And no, he doesn't need a motorcycle. So sometimes I have to remind him that even though we have more than he grew up with, we have to watch it - we don't have millions and we do have debt.

Virtually identical. Same town, fathers both teachers, mothers both homemakers, then worked part-time (mine for a financial institution, his for the county).

Somewhat. I'd say my family was more middle class while his was upper middle class. My dad was a lineman for the phone company and my mom was a nurse. They did OK financially and were able to send us to Catholic school, but we didn't take vacations and they worked a lot of hours to provide for us. They never hired anyone to do anything they (or we) could do ourselves.

My husband grew up in a family where his dad was a senior executive who traveled a lot and his mom was mostly a SAHM who took a clerical job when that got boring. They vacationed a lot, had a boat, a very large house for a small family, had a cleaning lady, didn't do their own taxes, etc.

It took my husband a long time to realize that our socio-economic status is more similar to my family than his. This is due largely to the fact that he has chosen to work in a field that doesn't pay well, to a degree that I vastly out-earn him. If we made the same income, our status would be more inline with what he grew up with. It's taken him a long time to understand that when something breaks, you try to fix it (yourself!) before replacing it or even calling a repair person. You don't hire someone to rake your leaves or clean up the yard in the spring, or open or close the pool, or clean your house, or file your taxes when those items don't fit in the budget and you can do them yourself.

My next step is to break him of the habit of taking money from my in-laws. A grown man shouldn't rely on daddy slipping him $5K every now and again to make up for his own earnings shortfall. I don't mind my in-laws saving for college for the kids or joining us on vacation for a day or two and picking up the bill for dinner or an excursion or paying for a long-term activity like piano lessons that is out of our budget, but really as grown ups we need to live within our budget and either cut spending or make more. That's a lesson that my husband didn't grow up learning and it has caused us a lot of issues.

Yes! I totally get you!

I grew up upper middle class (dad was a doctor) and my husband was first generation American with parents who were uneducated but were not poor. They never wanted anything (his dad worked HARD - 2 jobs so mom could stay home) but did nothing lavish. Their kids went to college. My husband runs a successful business. They were all about family. Family every Sunday. All day, every Sunday. My family, nope!

Now, we have our differences. I like to toss stuff out. My husband would be a hoarder if I let him. He is used to a stay at home mom who would cook all of his meals and scrub his clothes clean (into his 30s, I might add). So when he sits down to dinner, he never gets up again until he is done and then often leaves his plates on the table. He doesn't cook, grocery shop, shop for any of his own clothes or do any shopping at all or do his own laundry. This is how he grew up.

I like the finer things in life. I like fresh coats of paint and a tidy house and new clothes and bags and shoes. He'd wear his sneakers until they fell apart if I wasn't around.

So, yes, we have cultural and socioeconomic differences. BUT, we have very similar morals and values and lots of love and respect. So in the end, I might do the dishes - but I also buy that purse!

Yes an No.

My parents are considered upper-middle class. My mom was a SAHM. We did well.

My husband's parents? My mother-in-law grew up an only child. Her father was VP of Johnson & Johnson WWWAAAAYY back when - she had a nanny/governess, etc. They were considered, what is now called, the 1%....several cars, summer house, boat, etc. My father-in-law? Oh dear Lord - her parents offered him $25K CASH to leave their daughter...he was a Russian immigrant - a Buchenwald Concentration Camp survivor...DEFINITELY wrong side of the tracks, in their opinion...

My husband was raised "blue blood" and could be a snob sometimes.....when my Mother-In-Law met me - I couldn't show my lineage back to the Mayflower...so I was "okay" - not perfect....but what she saw? She saw that her son - her ONLY SON - was HAPPY, not fake happy - but genuinely happy....so she, in time, let up. Overall - she was a great W.. I could call her with problems. We had fun together.

It would help if we knew what kind of problems you are having with your in-laws...I admit - I have not gone back to look over your previous posts to get more insight - sorry.

What I do know? You and your husband MUST be on the same page or at least in the same CHAPTER of the book of life. He needs to be able to find the balance of his love and respect for you and his love and respect for his parents. IF they came from or are rich and you guys are NOT accepting their money - it could upset them - but I totally respect your not taking the money/help if that's the case - because you don't want the strings that are attached with that.

If it's the other way around - YOU are doing well and they are struggling and wondering why you aren't helping them? I don't know what kind of advice to give you.

I hope this helps!

Too difficult to answer. Not sure the angle you are going for.

Our parents were pretty same on the socioeconomic ladder...but spent money differently. That is where the differences come in and the challenges can occur. A person can be "wealthier" on 50k a year than a person living on 250k a year if the second person is debt up to their eyeballs. It is all about quality of life...not the quality and quantity of your "stuff".

Not sure why you would mention being snobby. Now I am really intrigued. Please come back later when you have more time. Then we can spend time really helping out.

I really don't understand how you and your husband have problems with your in-laws now as adults, because of the socio economic status you both grew up in.

Is it that you like nicer things but your husband is happy with saving money and buying less expensive stuff? Is it that your in-laws don't have money,never have, and now they are a financial burden to you?

Sort of.

Neither of our families had much money growing up....

BUT, his family handled their finances better than mine did. I never learned how to really budget and save until pretty recently. He's been a frugal person his whole life.

So....it's not necessarily the socioeconomic status that makes a big difference, but how you view money and value saving. That outlook CAN be changed and improved.

I think family can cause experiences that affect a marriage directly regardless of socioeconomic status. They see things through their own lenses and can have a hard time understanding that this new family is a blend of customs, traditions, and parenting styles. You and your husband need to talk about whatever the issues are and find a common ground and stand on it together.

No, different "socioecnomic" statuses...

I was middle class, hard working dad and a stay at home mom. We were never without, my mom was frugal (no name brand items but nice functional ones), we took family vacations, school was very important, our home was up kept, and for a few years my mom did splurge to have someone come help clean once a week. My parents paid for my college up to bachelors. They got me a very used car for my 16th birthday. It was a very very nice home life.

My husband grew up in a trailer park on the bad side of town. There wasn't always enough of everything to go around. His saving grace was his grandparents would pay for he and his sister to fly across country to spend the summers with them. They lived very very much like my parents.

My husband figured that the only way to "win" over his upbringing was to provide a nice life for his future wife and children.

We live very similarly to the way I was raised.

No, not in the least.

My husband's parents both came from rather affluent families. His folks weren't handed a lot, necessarily, but I know my husband grew up to be very comfortable if he was visiting a country club with one grandpa and the other grandparents paid for his college up through his bachelor's degree. (He also did ROTC to support himself and later served as an officer). Now my in-laws are fairly comfortable in terms of means and standards of living.

My family is another story entirely. My mom's line was poor as far back as I've heard of, my dad's is another story entirely. His folks are very dour salt of the earth folks who didn't believe that 'book learning' helped too much. Thus, when I grew up, it was nearly always without enough money, food, medical care, no extracurriculars (aside from a couple plays which were free to participate in), no braces, etc. And no expectations for the kids, either. College or even future jobs were never mentioned, other than McDonalds. I was born to serve fries, I suppose, but was fortunate enough to want a bit more. :)

We complement each other well, my husband and I. He's a bit more liberal financially (and we can afford it), I'm fairly frugal and so we balance each other out well.

In answer to your question about problems, specifically, I guess I would say that this hasn't been an issue for us. I'm more of a 'do we have money for that?' sort of person (he isn't fiscally irresponsible, it's just that 30 years of living on limited resources makes me very vigilant about spending). Where it's a problem for me, actually, is that I put off getting a haircut or clothes shopping sometimes because I think "oh, I'll wait until we can afford it" and we actually can... and then I get frustrated if he buys something and wonder "why didn't I do/get X if we are doing okay..." That's my stuff, though, not his.

No. My husband's dad died when he was 8 years old. He grew up in the Philippines and was very poor. When they moved to the US when he was 12, they lived with his mom's sister and her family in their 1 bedroom basement (he was 1 of 3 kids). They all shared a bed he grew up thinking that was normal. After 2 years his mom bought a house on the same street. SHe is still struggling 20 years later.

My parents are very well off and always have been. They always owned their own home and paid full cash for it. Never had a house payment. My dad owned his own business and made millions. My parents sent all 3 of us kids to private school.

I grew up near Laguna Beach, CA and sometimes if I need to buy something and he tells me to go to a thrift store and I look at him like he has 2 heads and he will say "oh that's right, your from the OC". Other than that, we do pretty good. We are very strict with our budget and use the envelope system. I do not buy anything extra from actual needs and he is the same. We are currently saving up to buy our first home in the next couple years.

My husband grew up in an academic family...maybe upper middle class. His dad has multiple PhDs, and a Dr. of Veterinary Medicine. His dad's work was that of doing research in his field at different universities. His dad was a workaholic and very, very frugal. His parents paid for his college (an expensive one) but for nothing extra. He grew up better off than me, but with a crazy frugal father, so they did not buy things, make an renovations to their house, and were constantly saving. I grew up with a single mom who was a realtor. I'd say we were middle class, but my mom desperately wanted to be upper middle class. She had good years and bad years, so some times we were struggling financially and other years we were fine. She always over-spent with money bc she wanted us to have nice things. She was frugal on things for us kids (like clothes), but over-spent on her car, our house, house decorations/furnishings. Everything around us needed to look nice. My husband and I are different now with money and it bothers me at times. He has a very good paying job and he pretty much buys the things he wants/ needs. In my opinion he is not good at saving, or doing without. He does not worry about money and thus spends too much on things we do not need at times. He did not get any of his father's frugality! We do live within our means, but it drives me crazy when he buys something on a whim and then we rarely use it. I always am trying to get us to save more, rarely eat out, and only buy what we need when it is on sale. He'd be fine eating lunches out all the time or getting fancy coffee drinks. Your question is confusing bc I'm guessing it is about differences in opinion on how to manage money. But I'm not sure. I see now that his family strongly values getting a PhD in life and being successful and academic. Success in your field is quite important. They have very high expectations. Even now in our 40s, my husband's dad will grill him or debate him on scientific subjects trying to get him to think and prove himself. In my family getting a graduate degree is like an extra bonus but not expected. Many people do more hands-on work (like carpentry) in my family and this kind of work is not looked down on. Conversations in my family at dinnertime I honestly now see as kind of shallow...my mom will talk about her tv shows, neighbor gossip, etc. My husband's family will all talk about worldly subjects, politics, and details of scientific research. When you get my mom with my husband's parents the differences in them are glaring. But my husband and I fit together well despite our slight differences in how to handle finances.

When a spouse comes from a monied family that perhaps had someone come in a clean a couple of times per week, went on wonderful vacations a couple times per year, had what ever shoes they wanted plus what ever clothes were in fashion, etc....then it's hard when that spouse marries a person who perhaps grew up poor.

The house would be more "lived in" look, less spotlessness, resale shops and thrift stores for new clothes, hand me downs from siblings to younger siblings, Hamburger Helper 3-5 times per week with the cheap hamburger meat, Tuna Helper at least once per week, and pinching every penny to see if there's another behind it.

This couple is going in to a marriage with such different ideals about what a family is like and what they do with their money and their traditions.

They will argue over money because one spouse will want to have security and know they won't go without food and will be able to pay all the bills each month, have a good size cushion.

The other spouse is going to want to plan those vacations and see the world with their family alongside them. They'll want to have a nice home that has an elegant style while the other one is going to want to spend less and is probably not going to understand why the other spouse would want to give away that much money for 4 walls and a few things inside...

So you can see that this could be a totally impossible situation.

In these times we do have a lot more ability to see how the other half lives and find ways to compromise on things. They should find ways to address some of these issues before they set the date though.

Sitting down and listing some things they want over the years, such as how many children, what about one staying home with the kids, if both have always dreamed of working in a career and planned for their education to be that person it may be hard to stay at home. I hate staying at home. My house is cleaner and life is so much easier when we both work. I can't stand not working in my chosen career.

If the spouses both went to all that trouble to go to college and study a topic They should be able to work if they want to. If the one spouse who feels there should be someone home with the kids and the other is adamant they want to also work then they have to come to a compromise.

Almost all of my friends don't want their kids to work during high school. They want them to go to church, go to school, make good grades, have some fun, and be mature enough to handle going off to college and not end up an alcoholic and pregnant or something.

All in all they have a lot to discuss and it's good if they write it down so they can look back and see if they still feel like this a few weeks later.
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My husband grew up with a dad that was career Navy. So my hubby lived in California, Bermuda, Kansas City and Salt Lake City while dad was in Antarctica, Washington DC, and more.

His mom always worked so she'd have something to do with her time. My hubby basically raised himself, doing his own laundry, fixing his own meals, putting himself to bed, cleaning up after himself, etc....

I grew up on the south side of OKC and went to public school. My mom stayed home and dad worked a menial job. He made enough to support us but we didn't have vacations and new stuff all the time.

So we've had issues. He's pretty much come down to my level. It's h*** o* him to not live like he did as a child, rather like a nomad. He misses traveling and other extra things like that. But we are still together after 20 years.

Nope. DH was well off, my family was dirt poor. Only issue was cc debt when we first got married - now we're both savers. And on a budget.

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My husband and I both grew up in very middle class homes, but our families handled finances very differently. Both of my husbands parents worked, my mom stayed at home. His parents spent more money and my parents saved more money. His parents spent more on toys and clothes for him, my parents helped with college and a car. His parents bought what they wanted when they wanted, my parents saved up for things. My husband doesn't seem to appreciate the things he has, and always seems to want more, which does lead to problems for us.

I dated a guy who was a carpenter (smart as a whip but no degree) and during the dating phase he was charming and willing to spend time with me. Once I moved in with him I was his "old lady" (at all of 24) and he spent time with his work crew in the pub almost every day after work, and on boats and motorbikes with his male friends almost every weekend. Needless to say it did not last long after that. I think having similar outlook for the future and some shared interests is more important than the place you came from. Differences like saving before you buy versus wanting everything now on credit, and something I never considered since we are both night owls, but being a morning person versus being a night owl can cause trouble in a relationship. My carpenter boyfriend and I really had very little interests or life outlook in common except for sex and that simply is not enough for the long term.

Err really, that is all you are going to give us? Makes it kind of hard to answer.

Social norms are very different from where we live and where my husband grew up. I have always lived in St Louis by the way. Different worlds, really different. Most of the time I accept Troy as an expert on Pontiac Il. and most of the time he accepts me as an expert on St Louis.

I say most of the time because sometimes it is so obvious he is wrong I will ask my sister in law. He sometimes consults his coworkers about my assessment.

I hope this is what you are going for because this is the only difference I have found because of coming from two different worlds.

My in-laws and my parents are complete opposites in so many ways
college degrees and doctorate degrees vs. some post high school
SAHM with some medical issues and a nanny vs. divorced mom working 3 jobs
very religious, church every week vs. celebrating major Christian holidays
world travelers vs. traveling thru a few regions of US

I've had a few issues with the in-laws and it's well know that they didn't expect my marriage to last. However, hubby and I have always remained strong as team. Our families have had a large influence on our decisions and choices throughout the years, however, we have always remained strong as a couple and not let our families make decisions for us.

Yes and no. DH did not grow up rich. But his family was better off than mine was growing up. We see very similarly about money and get along with each other's parents.

I'm rather curious about your actual question here.

Yes, my husbands family had what they needed or wanted, while I grew up with 3 siblings and my mother was most often single.

But, when I met my husband, I had a condo and he had a roommate in a rental. I had a kid with credit card debt, he didn't even have a bank account. He had 2 repos on his record and I was just paying the bills.

What recently made a difference in the way we were raised in my recent visit to my elderly aunt. She seemed to think my daughter was a monster. I tried and tried to explain to her that my husband shares the responsibility in raising her and she nor he were raised the way we were. She just told me to stop making up excuses and quit blaming my husband. It wasn't money based but it had everything to do with the different worlds we were raised in.

No.
My husband's family is dirt poor. Live in another country with no running water, no power, no cable, no roof over their head, never enough food.
I grew up American poor. Still able to eat, my own room, a small apartment.
How have we handled it? I don't understand the question.
We love each other. We have great families. His family is a bit better off, mine is a LOT better off but it had nothing to do with us!
So I am going to need a bit more to answer your question.
L.

Our backgrounds are different. My husband's mother's family is rich. As in, huge trust funds, 1%ers, rich. His father's family had been sharecroppers in the Deep South, so they were beyond poor. However, my husband grew up with all of the advantages that extreme wealth could buy.

I grew up in a lower middle-class family. My dad was an electrician, my mom was a teacher. They owned their own home, but it was a small home, nothing fancy. They scrimped and saved to be able to send me to private schools. My mom made all of my clothes and grew a garden (which supplied us with food whenever money was too scarce to go to the grocery store).

For my husband and I, the differences in our young adulthood were the attitudes our families held toward education. My parents knew, and imparted to me at a young age, that education would be the key that would allow me to climb out of the lower middle class. My husband grew up knowing that no matter what he did, he had a trust fund. I learned early on to be responsible and manage my money carefully. My husband never needed to know that. He has learned it over time, but I think he went through a lot of heartache learning it. I wish his parents had been better about ensuring he had a good education, and that he appreciated the nice things he had. In any case, I'm grateful every day that we have had these experiences from such different backgrounds, because we complement each other.

Oh yes we do. I grew up with two highly educated parents, both with very good jobs and my sisters and I never had to want for anything. Now we weren't given all the brand new stuff or anything like that, my parents could afford it, but we were taught how to budget at a young age, and how to spend wisely and all of that. We were taught to be normal instead of throwing money away on whatever. My dad grew up extremely poor, so everything he has today he is thankful for and no one in my family has a snobby attitude towards others or what we do have. It's not something we talk about-the money.

My husband is one of 4 kids, mom was a bartender and his dad was a maintenance man at a nursing home. They lived paycheck to paycheck and was also on welfare for a long time.

My inlaws are weary around my parents. Oh they accept me, but my parents are in a status above them, and they often treat them that way, when my parents have never done anything to have them be treated that way.

When we have money and we're ahead my husband has been known to buy things for his parents-VERY EXPENSIVE THINGS or loan them money, only for me to find out later that it wasn't a loan. I'm not talking about a hundred dollars here or there, more like several or more. His reasoning is that his parents were always there for him and he wants to show his gratitude. I understand that. But we have a family too, with a baby on the way and money is already tight for us, even through we are doing better than most of his family (and most of them are receiving some kind of government help).

But it has caused some issues between us. My husband lovingly calls me a Money Nazi. I reply back with "At least we have money in the bank" because if I wasn't there, he would be broke and he knows this.

The money or status was never an issue between me and my husband but it is for his family and his friends. I remember his friends being really cool when we were dating and then they found out where I lived and various other things and then they treated me completely different. I've just taken it all in stride. I am who I am. I don't flaunt it. I know that if I ever need help (and I've needed it before) my parents are there to help us out.

I wish my in-laws and my parents would get a long. We go home for holidays and we still have to do 2 Christmas Dinners, 2 Easters etc. Because his parents won't have a joint holiday dinner with mine, and it makes it hard at times. My parents also take it in stride but it really hurts my dad.