Do You Ask/expect Financial Support from Your Parents?

Updated on August 14, 2015
D.M. asks from Beechmont, KY
62 answers

I would like to know if you ask your parents for money when you really don't have any other option. The reason for my asking is that I had a big fight with my mother over money issue. She works, earns much more than me. My father died, I am the only child, so she doesn't have any other family. I am 31 and been married for a couple of years. My dh and I don't make very much per month, even though we both work full-time. I had asked my mother for money in the past, but it was really when I coulnd't find any other solution. Yesterday when I asked her to help me with some money she treated me really bad, like a begger. My parents in low have always helped us financially and this money issue is staring to cause problems in my marriage. My dh always tells me how much his parents help and that my mother hasn't "lift a finger". I really don't know what to believe. All I can say is that I am really hurt by my mother's words. It's one thing to refuse and another thing to humiliate. I don't understand her really. If I had money I would gladly help my adult child. If I saw that he is working hard to provide his family I would help him if I could. Anyway, I feel really bad about this whole situation. How would you handle this?

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answers from Kansas City on

Honestly? You should be ashamed to have posted this. I'm sorry, I hate to be harsh but that's the truth. You're not doing the right thing here. STOP expecting money from either set of parents! It's WRONG.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

My parents aren't rich, but they are debt-free. When the husbeast lost his job, they offered to help out with money if we needed it. I don't ask unless we have no other option, not becuase I fear their reaction, but because I know they will not accept repayment.
That said, I have never felt that it is their responsibility to pull one cent out of their pockets for me. If they said, "No," I would not hold it against them.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Yes, as an adult I have asked my dad for a loan (money) in the past and we have always paid it back with interest, on time, regardless of the fact that we made much less than him.

4 moms found this helpful

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answers from Columbia on

Something really stuck out at me in your post. You list all these reasons why you think she should be giving you money. She works, she earns much more than you, your father died, you're an only child, she doesn't have other family, you don't make much and neither does your husband, your parents in law always help and your mom doesn't, money is causing problems in your marriage.

D., you and your husband have a real problem....and it's NOT your mom. You are not entitled to be given financial help from ANYONE. It's your entitlement mentality that stuck out at me the most in your post, and it's that mentality that is getting you into trouble. You are not entitled to spend and spend until there's nothing left and then go ask someone else. That's not budgeting. Until you and your husband stop trying to look for solutions outside of your home, and get a real budget and live within your means, you are ALWAYS going to have financial problems, and it will likely be the end of your marriage.

You say you "really feel bad about this whole situation." Well, you should. But it's not your mom's fault. Sometimes truths are hard to hear, but we need to hear them. You feel bad because you and your husband need to change how you manage your household finances.

It's time for you and your husband to learn how to stand on your own financially. If you're finding yourself with too much month at the end of your money every month, it's YOU that needs to change, not your mom that needs to help. And shame on you and your husband for using your parents in this way. You should be absolutely beyond embarrassed to be dipping into your parents' retirements and savings in this way. They might HAVE money, but that is because they've made wise financial decisions in preparation for retirement, not so they can support their adult children.

There's a LOT of great information here. I very strongly suggest that you and your husband read and apply the techniques Dave suggests in Total Money Makeover. Get off the debt cycle and start living your life without being stressed about finances.

ETA: I've been thinking on your post. I just wanted to add, if I were friends with your mom, I'd be proud of her for not falling into line with everyone else who is enabling you and your husband's poor financial habits. Good for her! Boundaries are very important. Your relationship with your mother should not be defined by "how much money can she give."

28 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

No. I would expect my adult married daughter to know how to a establish a budget and live by it.

I would not enable her inability to budget by continuing to give her money.

Emergencies (leaving husband because of dv, emergency medical expenses, weather damage) are different then the inability to budget and plan.

I don't know why you and your husband think you are entitled to your parents money, but that is how you both come across.

Learn to budget and/ or get a second job or find another way to reduce your expenses.

22 moms found this helpful


answers from Rochester on

I think you should apologize to your mom for expecting her to finance you. Your husband's words of your mom "not lifting a finger" are demeaning. Perhaps her refusal to help is based on both of your attitudes and expectations.

22 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Sorry. You are an adult now and married. Stop living beyond your means.

Take a Dave Ramsey class or a Suze Orman class - or go to the library and borrow personal finance books.

It's great that your in-laws are helping. However, they are only enabling you to continue to live outside your means. Your mom, however, is TEACHING YOU SELF CONTROL.

If you don't make enough money? Get an education or certificate in a field that will allow you to make money. Same goes for your husband.

STOP feeling like you are entitled to something you did not earn. Just because you are an only child doesn't mean you are entitled to anything as an ADULT. You are whining. You need to grow up. Sorry if that is NOT what you want to hear - but really?? YOU ARE AN ADULT - start acting like one.

Did I ask my parents for financial help? Yes. In my first marriage - when I was young, dumb and full of entitlement. The time they said NO? I was mad - and then realized - damn - I'm an adult - they are no longer responsible for me and my bad decisions. Changed my attitude, changed by buying habits and became an adult.

Good luck!

20 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I would handle it by:
-Making a budget
-Living on less than we make
-Get a second job, if needed
-Downsize house, apartment, car, cable, cell phones, extras, etc. so I WAS living within my means

I am 51. I have never asked my (single) mother for money, nor have we ever asked my in-laws. Everything we have? We WORKED for it.
We've had leaner times and abundant times. We've never borrowed money from parents.

Get your own. You're not entitled to any of hers. That's what she's telling you. Apologize to her and assure her it won't happen again.

18 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I'll start by answering your question on how I would handle this?

First, I would stop and realize I'm NOT entitled to anything from my parents.

Second, I would sit down and get a budget in place.

Third, I would apologize to my mother for being so rude and thoughtless as to approach her AGAIN and demanding money.

Have I asked my parents for financial help? I'm an adult. NO. I don't ask my parents for financial help. Tyler and I have been married over 25 years and haven't asked for help. Our parents raised us to be self-sufficient, responsible adults.

Have we had tough times? Yes. Tyler was deployed several times in his Air Force career and it was tough having 4 boys by myself, car(s) breaking down, unexpected expenses like that. We made it through.

You need to grow up. I don't understand how a grown woman can EXPECT her mother to just give her money.

Your in-laws are not helping you. They are hurting you. Every time they give you money, you KNOW you have a 'back up plan' to spend wantonly. You have no boundaries. No budget.

You guys need marriage counseling and you need financial management classes. Check your local community college for personal finance courses. I know plenty of people have used Dave Ramsey, or at least his principles for personal finance.

You need to stop asking for money and get a budget in place. Do you even know what a budget is? From the sounds of it? You and your husband are like "there's still checks in the register! So we must have more money!"

What exactly don't you understand?

What exactly makes you feel like you are entitled to HER money?

Why are you comparing what your families do for you? That that even comes up, tells me that you and your husband live in la-la land and believe you are entitled to things, money, time, etc. that, in all honesty? You are NOT entitled to.

It doesn't matter one iota if you are an only child or one of six. If ANY of my children acted as you are as an adult? I think I would bawl my eyes out because I obviously failed in teaching my child how to be accountable for his actions.

Please. Get help. You need it. Stop feeling entitled. Stop asking for money. Get a budget in place and use it. Sell stuff you already have to get cash in hand. Stop using credit cards. If you can't pay cash for it? You don't need it. If a car needs to be repaired? budget for it. Work with the place that is working on the car. Otherwise? Use public transportation.

If you aren't making enough money? Then you need to figure out what YOU can do to improve your situation. It's up to you. Not anyone else to figure that out for you.

18 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

*BOTH* of you expect money from both sets of parents? Not one of you considered a budget before you got married and I'm assuming procreated???

I'm glad your mom figured your game out...she makes a lot more money and you are any only child. Why in the world would you feel so entitled?

Plan a budget, get better jobs or a second job, go to whatever it takes to be an adult.

18 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You and your husband are way too old to be asking your parents for money, unless it's a loan and you're paying them interest.

17 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

No, we are adults and pay our own way. Barring something just crazy beyond what I can even imagine, I can't see us needing help from them. All of our parents have worked hard their entire lives and they deserve to retire and relax, not support my family. If you are both working full time, it's clear that you need to change your lifestyle to fit your income. You've asked for help from family numerous times, that's not a one time emergency, that's a pattern, and not one of a responsible 30 something. What's even more bothersome is that you both clearly feel entitled to financial assistance... Live within your means

17 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

To re-cap: you and your husband live beyond your means. You are running low on funds and hit your Mom up for money (again) and she said No and wasn't very nice about it.

Well, you and your husband are the issue NOT your Mom. She owes you NOTHING. You are an adult. Start acting like it. My suggestion:

1. Get all your bills out and sit down with your husband. Cut what is a want not a need. Cable? Is a want. Cut it. I suggest David Ramsey. You can check that out in the library. FREE.
2. Review living expenses. Is your home or apartment too much? Downsize. Did you buy a house you couldn't afford? Might have to sell it. OR get a part-time job.
3. Review your employment. If you aren't making enough, perhaps its time to look for something better.
4. You and your husband need to grow up. Financially. His parents and your mother do NOT have to give y'all money.
5. Marriage counseling

Money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. You and your husband sound entitled. "I'm an only child and my dad passed away, mom makes way more than I do", she should give me her money. Ah NO. Your Mom can piss away every cent she has. Why? Its HER money. NOT yours. Just because your mom has money doesn't mean you are entitled to it.

Helping and enabling are two different things. My in-laws have enabled my niece to a very large tune of over $65,000. They can't afford that and they even co-signed for a student loan. Guess who is paying that off? Yep, my in-laws and she didn't even graduate!! My inlaws are struggling and my niece is MIA. So, I'm sorry but I don't feel sympathy for you and hubby.

Did my parents help us? Yes. Once. I was so embarrassed to ask but it was for our daughter. She needed tutoring and we just couldn't afford it. My mother sent a check ASAP because I had NEVER asked for anything. I wasn't working because our son was ill. We had cut cable, all entertainment, I cut our grocery bill. I planned all meals, couponed, and bought generic. I would go for sale items of meat. We changed our telephone service plan and made any and all adjustments to your financial bottom line. We paid back that money a little at a time. I would go hungry before I would miss a payment.

Time for you and hubby to grow up. These are YOUR bills. Pay them yourself.

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

I've been financially independent since I moved out for college at 18. I'm the oldest child and have always been determined to go my own way.

To use hyperbole, I would rather die than ask my parents for money. I know that if I asked, they would both give me anything I wanted within their ability. But to ask would be personally humiliating to me. It would take being homeless and unable to feed my kids for that to occur. I'd insist on writing up loan terms and paying it back.

My husband's pride in his ability to provide for his family would be crushed. He'd work three jobs before resorting to asking for money from anyone.

We've had some very lean times before - debt, overdue bills, scrounging up change to buy groceries - and we overcame the issues on our own. We created the problems, so we solved the problems. There are times when my husband and I have worked both full and part time jobs, multiple part-time jobs, or some combination.

When we had young kids, we'd tag-team child care because it worked out better than paying for daycare. He'd come home from full-time daytime work and I'd leave for part-time evening work. I was also doing secretarial contract work at home for a local office for an additional weekly check, and he was working on weekends answering phones for a catalog company.

Slashing expenses whenever possible and increasing our income by taking on more jobs to pay off our debt, to catch up on bills, and to save up money for the future is how we became financially stable. We also sold some of our belongings. You don't mention if you have kids, but we did this with a baby and a toddler to care for, so it should be easier if there are only the two of you adults.

If you were 21 and in college, some parental support would be typical and reasonable. But you're 31 and married. Way past time to stand on your own feet. You should have no expectations of multiple occasions of financial support from anyone's parents at this stage of life.

You CAN do this, but first you have to start believing in yourself. You also need to be honest and keep it real - depending on your mom or his parents for financial support is not how independent adults behave. Even if your mom was hurtful, deep down you know she's right to stop being an enabler. Your husband's parents would do well to start saying No to him as well.

Frankly, I think your mother's response to your husband's comment should be to lift a finger - the middle one. His attitude is horrifically entitled. Was he raised to be like this? I ask because this is not how a grown man and hardworking provider thinks. He should be feeling shame right now, not anger. Or maybe he is angry because he does feel ashamed but doesn't want to admit it. Either way, asking for money from anyone's parents has to stop.

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Tell your husband to stop expecting your parents to help out just because his do! It's not their responsibility anymore, you're in your 30's. If you can't make ends meet without financial support from your parents, make some changes...what can you cut out of the budget. It's best to plan your life in a way that doesn't involve relying on money from family. I think your husband is probably hurting your relationship with your mother by expecting her to help pay his bills.

15 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

How would you handle this, you ask. I would handle it by having a serious talk with husband that ended with both of us vowing never to take any more money from my parents OR his parents. He is keeping score on "who is paying more to keep us afloat" and frankly you are too, and your mom fell short on that score. Score-keeping always ends with a rift because the person who is expected to meet your needs can never quite do enough to satisfy. Your mom said no, your husband says she's got a black mark against her now. What happens when his parents finally say no? Or if they die and there 's no more money coming in from them? Can you and he manage?

I do recognize that there can be tough times; there are geographic areas where people can't get decent-paying jobs no matter how hard they try; there are professions that just do not pay much; firings or layoffs can happen and are out of people's individual control. All that does happen, and does mean family members sometimes help each other out. But you do not indicate whether any of that is the case here; you do mention that you've asked your mom for money previously "when I couldn't find any other solution." Are you paying the essential bills with this money, or are there bills that you can do without by ending some extras? If the issue is your two incomes don't pay your essential bills, you need some emergency financial counseling (if you have a bank account, your bank might do some free counseling for you -- many do this for customers) and a serious revisit of where you live, where you work, and all your expenses and how to downsize them. I know that's easy for us to say and hard for you to do, and we don't know your expenses in any detail. But please realize that the post indicates two adults have a strong expectation that their parents will help them make ends meet, which is not normal for 31-year-olds.

15 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I've never borrowed or asked for money from my parents or in-laws.

Why are you not living within your means? If you regularly need to borrow money to pay for monthly bills, you really need to reduce your bills and or make more money. Maybe that means living in a smaller place, taking public transportation, eating eggs and taking on second jobs.

Honestly, I would be embarrassed to ask my widowed mother for financial assistance. Also, I hope you have a plan to pay back the money you borrowed.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I haven't read any other responses. but if you and your husband can't afford your lives something needs to change. A smaller house, smaller/no car payments, pay as you go cell phones, etc. I'm 32 and I do not now or have I ever expected my parents to pay my bills.

Fortunately my parents are in a position to help and when my husband was just unemployed for 9 months, they helped us the last 2 months or so. We owe them back for it, but we are VERY thankful to them and did not ever EXPECT it from them.

One of you or both of you needs to get a second job or you all need to cut back seriously. It's pretty unreal and annoying to me that someone my age is even posting something like this.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

I would NEVER ask my Mom for money.
She's worked hard all her life, she's scrimped and saved and she's made a comfortable retirement for herself.
No matter what MY circumstances are - I expect her to spend it all and have a ball.

Your Mom's doing you a favor telling you 'No' and your in-laws aren't doing you any favors telling you 'Yes'.
It seems that you and your husband are in a pattern of living beyond your means if you have to have anyone bail you out on a regular basis.
What needs to change is - you guys need to live WITHIN your means.
Sit down and figure out what that means.
Make a budget and keep it.
If that means eating beans 7 days a week then that's what you do.
You get rid of bills/expenses you don't need - cable, eating out, make bag lunches to take with you to work, downsizing to a more affordable house/apartment, pay down debt, not running up new debt, buying clothes at consignment stores, no going on vacations, etc.
If you ever get to a point where you have any money left over - you SAVE it until you have 6 months living expenses in the bank and then that's your emergency money for when the water heater needs replacing, etc.
Get to a library and read some David Ramsey books.

do you ask/expect financial support from your parents?

I would like to know if you ask your parents for money when you really don't have any other option. The reason for my asking is that I had a big fight with my mother over money issue. She works, earns much more than me. My father died, I am the only child, so she doesn't have any other family. I am 31 and been married for a couple of years. My dh and I don't make very much per month, even though we both work full-time. I had asked my mother for money in the past, but it was really when I coulnd't find any other solution. Yesterday when I asked her to help me with some money she treated me really bad, like a begger. My parents in low have always helped us financially and this money issue is staring to cause problems in my marriage. My dh always tells me how much his parents help and that my mother hasn't "lift a finger". I really don't know what to believe. All I can say is that I am really hurt by my mother's words. It's one thing to refuse and another thing to humiliate. I don't understand her really. If I had money I would gladly help my adult child. If I saw that he is working hard to provide his family I would help him if I could. Anyway, I feel really bad about this whole situation. How would you handle this?

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

No and No

I'll start by saying I am sorry you felt as though your mom humiliated you when you asked for money. There should be no keeping tabs on your mother's financial situation, in law's financial situation or tit for tat what they do for you and your family.

It is great if grandparents choose to babysit or help out if there is some emergency need but they should not be treated like they are the bank.

Your mother and your inlaws should be securing their own retirement with the money they have. You and your husband are adults now and should be able to manage your own money without routine bail outs.

I have NO expectations of my parents or feel that they have any obligation to help me financially.

As shitty as a childhood that I had, I am an adult.... My husband and I are personally responsible for our financial choices.

My mom and her husband are doing pretty well. My dad struggles with his own finances. I know both of them have loaned money to my brother and my brother sees it as a parental obligation vs a loan. He technically owes my parents a few thousand dollars that they will never see again because my brother's argument "it is their job to help out when needed". I disagree with that concept. My brother has asked me for money and I do not enable those who continue to choose to make poor financial choices.

My brother has a great story of how he needs money from me and can't pay bills but then I will see facebook posts of his family being at the beach, going to every college football game on season tickets, etc.

I help my dad but I do not send money. I send things he needs such as food for his freezer, coffee maker, etc.

I am fortunate to be in the situation I am in but it is because of hard work and sacrifice. We have 1 child and we strongly feel it is our obligation to get her out of college debt free and she had a college fund before she was born. She is in her 3rd year of college now with plans to go straight to MBA school which we will also cover.

Of course I would help my daughter out if she were in dire need. However, it is very important for her to understand financial responsibility and being independent.

How would I handle your situation?? I believe you and your husband should sit down with a counselor and a financial counselor. Figure out exactly what funds you have coming in and plan your spending accordingly. You cut things out that your don't "need". You both need to stop the tit for tat that your parent's do for you. If you can't be financially independent from your parents (I'm talking about regular help, not help in an ER situation) then you are risking your marriage with built up resentments, etc. It is time for you and hubby to act like responsible adults.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I'm sorry, but you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from me after your husband's remark of "not lifting a finger".

Him especially, and you to some extent, seem to feel like you deserve to be subsidized by family instead of standing on your own four feet. It's one thing to appreciate help. It's another thing to expect and demand it.

I understand that it hurts for your mother to talk badly to you. But I assume here that she is sick and tired of you two looking for handouts. She is a widow and may outlive her husband for decades. What are you thinking, expecting her to give you her money that she has to have to live on for possibly decades, when she will be too old to work???

You two need a financial counselor. Go to the library and look up Dave Ramsey. You need to pare down. You don't need cable, a smart phone, internet access (you can get that at the library.) You don't need to eat meat more than twice a week. You don't need sodas and expensive juices. You can drink water. That's just a few things you can do.

I know, I know "But we can't do without x,y,&z!!" Well, yes you can. And you better try.

It's not their job to take care of grown kids. Robbing their nest egg for retirement when age and infirmity take away the ability to work is not something you should be doing. And it's so easy for you to just SAY that you'd help your grown children. You don't have grown children. It means nothing to say this.

What do you do to handle this? You really sit down and slash, slash, slash from your budget. Your husband should be taking his lunch to work every day. He should carpool if he can or take public transportation if he can. Anything you do for entertainment should be free. Go by Dave Ramsey's advise to get out of debt. Make hard choices. And stop looking for your parents' handouts. They will need their money for many years after they are retired. For them. Not for you.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

"She works, earns much more than me. My father died, I am the only child, so she doesn't have any other family."

Entitled much? Sorry but I would lose my mind on them if any of my kids were as self centered as you appear to be. "Expect financial help"? Don't you see it? I expect this because we are too lazy to better ourselves. Mom makes more than me. I deserve this. My mom's income should be my income. Your mom deserves to retire before she dies or do you actually think your parents are supposed to work to the grave so you can keep not trying?

"If I had money I would gladly help my adult child. If I saw that he is working hard to provide his family I would help him if I could."

But you don't and you probably never will.

Tell your husband to work on improving his earning potential instead of dreaming of spending your mom's money.

Seriously I would just lose my mind on my kids if they had your attitude. So no, I expect nothing from my father. Sure he gives me some wonderful gifts but they are gifts, never expected, never demanded. My adult children expect nothing from me but are grateful for anything I do give them. I just can't even imagine my daughter saying well my fiancee's parents gave us this, where if your side. The only thing hurtful is your attitude that you mother is some cash cow.

I mean honestly I just can't even imagine how I would feel if I raised a child like you.
Ya know, I keep coming back to this because to me it is unbelievable. I know my kids could never be like you yet that any child could feel like you just floors me. See my ex is awful, wealthy but awful. I could never keep this home on what I could make without a college degree so after my divorce I went back to school. 18,16, 7 and 5 year old children, the 7 year old is autistic and I had to take 18 hours a semester while working full time and side jobs not to lose this house. So my older kids stepped up and helped me parent their younger sibs.

So that you can understand this I will say it slowly and use small words. That I earn as much as I do is the direct result of my kids helping. I actually owe them who I am professionally today! Yet my adult children would not dream, not for a moment, that I owe them a penny. They expect nothing in return other than me raising their little sibs to be the same adults they are.

I am happy to read the other answers and see my children are not unusual, you are, thank god

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

It's too bad that she made you feel bad, but you and your husband are responsible for the finances of your family, period, end of story. He should be ashamed that as a grown man he expects and accepts help from his parents on a regular basis.

If this is something you've had to do more than once, and something that you have expectations around, you're doing something wrong. Asking for help from parents should be something that you do once, if ever, due to a crisis that's out of your control - catastrophic illness, injury, divorce, job loss for an extended period of time, etc.

Sounds like you and your husband need a financial makeover - mom and your in-laws aren't your piggy bank. Check some Dave Ramsey books out of the library and start getting your own financial house in order. Time to be the responsible adults.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Shame on you!!! and your husband sounds like a real piece of work with his statement; "mother hasn't lifted a finger".

Grow up already and apologize to your mom. Instead of asking her for money, maybe you should ask her for advice on how to get out of your money problems.

And you do sound like an ungrateful, entitled beggar.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Have you paid back any of the money in the past? I prefer not to ask for help, so we have a budget and we stick to it. My mother in law helped pay off my husband's credit card debt when we were first married - not because we asked, but because she wanted us to buy a house and I wouldn't until that was taken care of. I still feel weird about it, even though she's never made it weird. Otherwise, I consider our debt, our bills, OUR problem. We spent 2 years without much in the way of extras, because we were just starting out and had to replace appliances, so we went without to pay all of our bills. Being a grown up can suck sometimes, but you need to be the grown up now. Stop expecting your parents or in-laws to subsidize your lifestyle.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

No, I left home at 17 and never asked for money after that, nor did my parents give me any, not even for college. I spent my early independent years in poverty working to survive, but by my late 20's my work was steady, and by my mid-30's I was comfortable. If my parents had helped me along the way, I probably wouldn't have taken many steps I did to earn more because I wouldn't have had to.

It's not your parent's responsibility to give you money no matter how much they have and no matter how little you have. Because your husband's parents have done it many times, you both expect it forever. I can see where your mom is frustrated. What is your plan? To stay poor forever and let your mom and in-laws supplement your low earning? You guys need a new plan. If you can't earn more, then you need to find a way to live on less.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Sorry but I think you 2 need to look at your budget. Spend less and/or earn more. Do not ask parents or in laws as that doesn't really solve the problem.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

No, I don't ask my parents for money. We don't ask my in-laws, either.

If your in-laws have 'always' helped you, then it's time to reassess how you are using your resources. No one should be constantly dependent on other adults for support. Your husband should stop *expecting* money from his mother-in-law. If his parents continue to support you, that's between them; to have that same expectation of another adult is just unfathomable to me. And you are both looking outward at the problem instead of focusing on your own parts in this. Wrong focus.

You need to stop finding justifications why you feel she 'owes' you that money and accept that it's just not happening. "She earns more"? Well, she's either put in the time through her own work or education to accomplish this. "There's no one else in the family" but you? And?... So what you are saying is that she just 'should' give you the money because she gave birth to you and there's no one else around? That also means there's no one else around to help her in her later years. You have a sense of entitlement here that she 'should' loan or give the money to you. Maybe that's what she had a problem with-- that you two are being financially dependent on others and just expect her to 'lift her finger' without consideration for her own effort in earning that money. She *knows* she cannot rely on you to pay her back. Reality: Even if you feel you would do it for your kid, she doesn't want to. That's that.

Personally, I would feel my own sense of humiliation in having to ask my parents for money. That is a feeling no one would have to make me feel. It would happen all on it's own.

Don't knock your mom-- work on improving your own lot.

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answers from Washington DC on

No, I don't ask nor expect. If I had zero other options, I might ask for a loan, but I would do anything I can do avoid it. My mom isn't responsible for my bills. I have grown family members that routinely use Bank of Parents and I think that in many cases they need to manage their own life better instead. How much more your mom makes than you isn't relevant. It's still her money.

I do not ask my mom for money. If I give money to family, it's a gift because loans never end up getting repaid. If I can't afford it, then I don't give it. I've often said no. Giving money to people can certainly be a problem. My mother's ex used to borrow from people all the time. I recall once he nudged her to ask a family friend for money and the friend said, "But I already loaned your DH $500 he didn't pay back..." It permanently damaged the friendship.

So maybe her delivery was poor, but I think you need to 1. figure out why you need to ask and 2. why you and your DH have your hands out to your families instead of being responsible adults. You're not 22. You're in your 30s. It is well time to grow up and live in a way you can afford. I will help my DD if she needs it, but not if it is habit. I have a family member whose financial irresponsibility has become a habit and it's affecting my marriage. We have bills, too. It's not his job to support 2 households and when I sweat things for my own child, then that's a problem. You can ask, but you shouldn't demand. Ever.

ETA: I have two grown stepchildren. One of whom is in college, and she's been told that the help with rent and tuition ends (and it was always a very specific amount) upon graduation or the end of 4 years, whichever comes first. It's not about her father not caring. It's about the reasonable expectation that she stand on her own feet. In my early 20s, I did things like walk to the train because I could afford $2 for the train and shuttle but not $6 parking daily. You make choices.

People make good points about retirement. I've read a number of articles about parents cashing out to support kids or to fund college tuition and every expert says it's a Very Bad Idea. She needs money to live on and if you think Social Security will cover her for the rest of her life, you need to think again. You're not asking for a loan. You're demanding a gift and I'm sure she's thinking about how you're not likely to take care of her in her old age since you can't manage your life now. I feel for her. She's a widow with no other family and her only child seems pretty selfish.

For the record, referencing a post above, no, I don't expect my family to babysit, either. And when my niece does, we pay her. So that's not a way to get out of paying for a sitter. Using family means I know she won't have a party and my kid is safe. But even if my mom could babysit (she's not local) I wouldn't expect her to just because. I always ask. People's resources are theirs to give. You can ask, but they do not have to share.

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answers from Santa Barbara on

Your mother is a widow. Most men (your husband for example) would be expected to help her and not visa versa. You asked, and this is the typical.

Your mother needs to plan for the rest of her life. The fact that she has more than you today, does not mean she wants to work when she is 70+ years old. The fact that she earns more than you does not mean you deserve any money you think is extra. The 'extra' is the money she needs to live on when she is no longer working (when she plans to retire).

I'm confused about your line that you asked her for money when you couldn't find any other solution. Then you go on to say your husband's family gives you way more than her.

Hopefully she will rethink her tone with you. It is not a good feeling when your mom makes you feel really bad.

I do know some adult children like you. Some are older than both of us. It is really creepy to hear a 50 year old complain that their mom won't buy them something. To a 15 year old, you sound very creepy.

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answers from Portland on

I find that expectations are the biggest source of disappointment in life so I try (try) not to expect people to be other than who they are.

When I was 13 I realized how much money my father made. I said "We're rich!" thinking I could get a new pair of jeans. My father corrected me and said "Correction, I am rich". I then got a babysitting job.

I guess I've always viewed financial responsibility with independence so no - I've never asked for help. I am sure it would be there if I ever really was in a position where there was no other option, but on a regular basis - no. My mother once helped me out financially when I went back to further my education so that I could get a better job. She was helping me to help myself. And she offered. I did not ask.

I imagine I'll be the same with my kids.

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answers from Jacksonville on

I stopped asking my parents for money when I stopped being a student and held a full time job. Actually, I wasn't asking for money before that, but my mom and dad would send me money on occasion (major car repair or wisdom teeth out, stuff that I had no way to afford and was too young to have built up much of a credit history). That all stopped by around age 22.

Since then? I have never asked them for a dime. Not one penny. They don't even buy our/my meals if we eat out together. I know families that operate that way, ours (my side of the family) doesn't. We're all adults.

They did help my brother out years ago, when he and his young wife got into a bind with a mortgage and home repairs that got out of hand, and a new baby. It was a tumultuous time for them and my parents helped them out. And it created issues between them forever more. I will NEVER (God willing) go that route.

I'm not really sure how old you are (I didn't go back to look at previous posts or your profile), but since you are married, it really doesn't matter, in my opinion. You are an adult. Get over the hurt feelings. Frankly, if husband's family is routinely bailing you out financially, then you guys need to do some serious reevaluation of your budget and spending habits. (unless you've got some sort of chronic medical issue that you didn't reveal here, that makes it impossible to ever get out in front of it). Making a mistake or getting laid off of a job unexpectedly, those sorts of things can throw people for a loop and it's nice to have someone who is willing to step in and throw out a rescue line. But when it becomes a habit to rely on others for that rescue line, then they aren't helping you, but enabling you. Enabling you to continue poor spending/saving/budgeting habits or reckless risky financial decisions that you need to grow up and deal with on your own.

There's a bigger problem here, is my guess. And it isn't your parents. Maybe try to see your parents from a different perspective? Tough love. That's what I see. They are trying to help you grow up and behave more responsibly and make better choices/decisions. Don't be hurt, be grateful. You and your husband need to start scheduling budgeting meetings and get a handle on your money. It won't be easy. Financial issues are a major cause of divorce. People view money differently and prioritize the spending of it differently. That happens whether you make $50,000 between you or $150,000. Sit down. Write down the numbers. And work together to figure out how to get out of whatever financial mess you're in. And don't include $ gifts from family when you do it.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but honest. You said, "If I had money I would gladly help my adult child." Now go back and read the rest of your post from start to finish, and then explain on what planet you will ever find yourself that you will have money to help your adult child in the future. You and your husband apparently are unable to even provide for YOURSELVES. Let alone any adult children. And the tone of your post indicates that you expect that status quo to continue. And what of your mother who has no other family but you? When she is old and ill, do you expect to be in a position to help her out? You don't seem to feel any obligation to do so, either, and you still view what's hers as yours. Who's looking out for her? Not you.
Same with husband's parents. They may be free spending with their money now, but in another decade or 2, who's going to help them out when they have blown through all their retirement money (giving it away to adult children) and need assistance to live? Doesn't sound like you have any kind of plan to be in a position to do that.
Grow up. Both of you. I see people like you (complaining that their parents help out siblings more than they help themselves out) all the time and it makes me ill. You're adults. Why do you feel entitled to be cared for by your parent(s)? That ended when you became an adult. You're also not entitled to cell phones, TV, internet service, or a host of other things you probably have at home. They're all nice, yes. And needed in some cases. But you are not entitled to them. No one is.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

No, I have never asked my parents for $. And the one time when they did give me $ (it was $300 for the deposit on my very first apartment after college), I was totally surprised.

And now, the reverse is true. After having raised me, I see it as my obligation to help them as much as I can now that they are getting older.

It appears to me that you and your DH need to take some kind of financial management class (some people recommend Dave Ramsey, my DH and I took a class at the local community college) to learn how to live within your means and set priorities for long term expenses. You know your washer/furnace/roof/car/etc isn't going to last forever. Replacing this stuff is something you should plan for, and you need to have the $ saved up to take care of that without asking parents for $.

Basically, you need to learn how to stand on your own 2 feet (or, with your DH, 4 feet) without a bailout from anyone.

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answers from Amarillo on

No. I never did and couldn't ask they have both left this earth before I was an adult. I could or never would ask extended family members for money as they didn't have it or they would not give it up willingly. If you got it, you had better pay it back the next payday as should you ask them in the future the answer was no.

Stop having the feeling of entitlement. No one owes you anything. When you marry, you and your husband create a new family and must learn to live within your means or do without like the rest of us did. You plan your life out and make a budget on how to do and meet those wishes and desires. Learn to live on less and with less and you will be much happier in the long run. Have you an emergency fund set up? Have you planned for your retirement so that there is money when you do retire? Have you planned for how you will support and provide for a child(ren) and college?
If the answer to any of this is NO, then you had better see a financial specialist to help you get on the ball and do it now.

Never expect anything from anyone. You are your own person and you are your own bank account. As I said earlier, no one owes you anything. It is nice when a family member might offer assistance but that should not be ongoing.

I have two grown adult children and I think I have helped them once or twice when they were in their late 20s and if I need something in an emergency state, they send to me. But again it was to do with their dad and not me spending money on something that was not needed.

the other S.

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answers from Toledo on

It's great when parents can help out financially or babysit occasionally, but I don't believe it's ok to "expect" it. My husband took longer to accept his job as a parent. I was a SAHM, and if I needed a break or to go to the doctor or to get my hair done, he always wanted my to ask my parents to watch the kids. My parents love seeng the grandkids, but it is not their responsibility to watch them all the time. They raised their kids.

It is not my parents' job to watch their grandkids, and it is not your parents' job to provide for their adult children financially. My husband needed to step up as a parent, and you and your husband need to become financially independent. Work overtime, get second job, cut back on expenses, have a garage sale. There are ways to make changes. It might not be easy, but it will give you a huge sense of accomplishment and pride.

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answers from Boston on

I'll speak to this as a mom of adult children: I have raised them to be able to live on this earth long after I'm not around. I have trained them as best as I could have including how to manage their finances. Yes I have given them loans as needed (all have been paid back) and assisted them by purchasing things given as gifts when they ran short of funds.

Here's the deal with your situation; you are always in need of money. Your inlaws and mother will not be around forever to help you. You need to figure out a budget that will allow you to live within your means and/or get second jobs to bring in more money. You can not continue to look to others to assist you on an ongoing basis. You are adults and need to figure it out.

Your mother makes more money than you and lives alone but she's older and will need her money once she stops working. Obviously she can't depend on you for financial support if she runs into problems.

Figure it out yourself and tell your hubby and money issues are something a couple solves for themselves.

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answers from Chicago on

No. I'm an adult. I haven't asked my parents for money since I was a dependent and they took a tax deduction.

We once borrowed 5k from them when we first got married. We paid it back in 4 days.

Your mother has her own retirement, etc. to worry about. I keep reading reports about how parents are giving their kids their retirement. This concerns me. As a responsible family, I have no interest in having to give more money to pay for other peoples retirement. Last I heard many baby boomers had less saved than my generation.

I'd stop asking parents for money and man up. You're not 21. You're 31. So act like it.

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answers from Atlanta on

If I desperately needed money one time, I would ask my parents. I would expect it to be a short term loan, but would be grateful if they gifted it. However, I would not ask twice. And I 100% wouldn't even think of it as an option if I hadn't paid back any previous money given.

You are independent, married adults. Neither of you should be expecting or wanting help from your parents. There should have been no fight. It's your mother's money. She can use it how she sees fit. It doesn't matter that she earns more than you. It also doesn't matter that you're the only child. How is your DH not humiliated that as a grown man he still has to run to mommy and daddy to fix his money problems?

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answers from Santa Fe on

No. Never. I put myself through college. I paid back my college loans myself. I put myself through grad school. I have never once asked for money and I hope I never do. What is going wrong that you need help so often? I would be really embarrassed if I felt like I had to ask for help. Really really embarrassed. Can you both work on degrees or certifications through online classes in the evenings for the next couple years with the goal of getting better paying jobs? I am so sorry your mom humiliated you, but you are an adult and should be self sufficient. You need to cut back on whatever you can so that you always live within your means. I had no car for many years. I shared a living space for many years. I ate the cheapest foods possible for many years. I almost never bought clothes unless I really needed something and then it was from a thrift store. I did not have a TV bill. I did not have a cell phone. I did not have many things actually. I did not eat least hardly ever. It took basically my entire 20s till about age 32 when both of us were done with grad school and my husband finished his post doc of living super frugally. You need a long term plan. Get rid of any expenses you can and work on your skills so you have whatever degree or certification or whatever you need to move up career wise. If you had an adult child and you were helping them financially on a regular basis you would be making them dependent on you. It is wrong for parents to do this. Your mom is not right to humiliate you but she is right to say no. And you are wrong to feel entitled to her money. She needs to be saving for her retirement and whatever medical bills may come up as she well as assisted living which she may need one day. You need to turn your finances around and be saving every month for your own retirement as well as to always have savings for when you suddenly have an unexpected big expense. I'm sorry that you feel bad...but your line of thinking is completely wrong. I hope you can come to see this and can come up with a plan so that you and your husband can do better financially in the future. I hope that you can turn things around for yourself.

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answers from Chicago on

Absolutely not. My parents are both gone. And I would rather work my fingers to the bone with multiple jobs than ask my in laws for money.

My question is why do you need so much money from everyone else? Do you have a lot of debt? Do you not manage your money well? Maybe you and your husband need to look at your budget or other job opportunities to improve your income.

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answers from Seattle on

If you and your husband are both working full time and not able to pay your bills then you need to do some serious cut backs.
Only because I am bored.
Minimum wage in KY is $9.15 and hour. Multiply that by 40 hour workweek (which is full time) and you are looking at $366 a week. Times 2 (since you and husband work) to $732 a week. Multiply by 4, $2928 a month.
I looked up how much rent is for a two bedroom apartment close to you. On the HIGH side they are $855 a month. (WSG included). Which leaves you with about $2,000 a month.
Where is all of your money going?
If I were your mom I would by cranky too. You are making plenty of money to support yourself and aren't.
You are constantly borrowing from your inlaws and trying to borrow from your mama.
You are grown. Now act like it.
(and, per your questions. I have never asked my parents for money. If things are tight then we cut back, find another job, or realize that we don't have the money to do some fun things and we DON'T DO THEM)

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answers from Dallas on

your husband sounds like a giant man child! He expects financial handouts from his parents and yours instead of acting like a grown up. Most people have a spending problem not an income problem. If you can't cut your spending and household expenses (most can) increase your household income.

In all fairness we accepted help from my in laws when my son had tens of thousands in uncovered medical bills and I had to leave my job to care for him full time. Luckily within a couple years I was able to return to work. The money was for my sons medical care not for our needs or wants.

Happymomof2 - we don't have any family nearby so no freeloader babysitting for us lol. I do think having family occasionally babysit is way different then asking them for money but we don't do either.

I ditto one perfectness advice

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answers from San Francisco on

I don't expect money from anyone, family included. It should not matter that she is better off than you it is her money to give or not. I'm sorry she has made you feel bad for asking but perhaps you shouldn't ask. Perhaps you and your husband should figure out a way to be able to live without having to rely on others for support. I understand that sometimes things happen and all of us do need to turn to others in times of need but it almost sounds as if you are relying on others for financial help too often. Your mom, his parents, no one else is responsible for your well-being but you. You seem to be of a different mindset than your own mother and that is fine but know that you can't expect the way you'd do things to be the way she would. Don't ask others for money or rather if you do don't expect it and you cannot be upset if they say no. The fact that your mother is humiliating you perhaps is her way of trying to get you to see your errors.

Instead of trying to figure out how to work on why/how to get your mother to not make you feel bad for asking for money try to figure out how to live within your means.

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answers from Phoenix on

I'm an only child also and don't have a father so I get your "spoiled" attitude.

However, I would NEVER ask or expect money from ANY family member or friend. Just because your mom makes good money and the 2 of you don't doesn't mean that SHE is your first choice to turn to when you can't pay the bills. I'm pretty sure she feels like this also if that is the way she responded to you.

Back in the day, 12 years ago, when property was booming, my mom sold her house and made about 200k on it. It was when we decided to move from CA to AZ and we already had been approved and had our down payment. She GAVE my now ex and I 55k to put down on our house. Not a loan, but said we could have it to help us out. Ended up we lost the house in the divorce several years later.

Then a couple years into my second marriage to a man who does pretty well, she asked ME to repay the 55k to her because she was running out of money. This really put us in a bind because both of us were in our 40's, had lost EVERYTHING in our divorce and now all of a sudden we owe her 55k and we were trying to build up some kind of retirement savings again. Yeah, there is some resentment there, even now.

So unless you want some SERIOUS issues between you and your mom, I would NOT ask her for money again. You need to figure out why you need to keep asking for money from people. Get a better paying job, cut down on your excess spending and buy things on sale.

It simply is NOT ok to just keep asking for money and frankly, it's embarrassing for you. Get it together. Good luck.

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answers from New York on

I haven't expected money from my parents since I graduated from college. I lived in some pretty crappy apartments and I remember having a weekly grocery budget of $40 for two or three years. The only time I asked for a loan was when I bought my first house and I had to demonstrate to the bank that I was being gifted money. I paid it back immediately. I suppose if I was in a real financial bind, I would ask for a loan with interest and written terms. Otherwise it's really easy to fall into a misunderstanding.

Put the shoe on the other foot. When your kids are in their 30s and you're sweating retirement in a few years, would you be pleased that they keep hitting you up for money because they can't live within their means? Retirement is an extremely expensive proposition and many older people who can't afford it can't get hired either. They're between a rock and a hard place. I can definitely empathize with your mom's point of view. She might not know how much longer she will be employed or she may have worked very hard most of her life and be looking forward to a comfortable retirement. It's not fair to take that away from her just because you can't stay within your own budget.

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answers from Chicago on

I would sooner be out on the street corner with a cup in my hand than ask for/take a dollar from my parents.
It would be held over my head, and would be considered an open door to comment on my life.

Frankly, I'm surprised tat you're even having a conversation with your husband about your parents "donating equally".
I'd be taking a look at my own finances and situation and figure out what needs to change so that you don't have to ask for help. You're to old for that.

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answers from Iowa City on

This is a bit of a sore subject with me because of my sister and what I see as her taking advantage of our parents. She and her husband have consistently borrowed money from them for years (like 12 years) to pay for basic bills. There are other factors that compound the issue: sister and children live with our parents, sister getting divorced, sister still can't pay her bills in spite of child support, state aid, etc., sister contribute nothing to the household and expects parents to raise her children. I could go on and on. But to the point of your question....

I have asked my parents for money once in my adult life. I'm 32. And I think in my situation it was acceptable to do so. In my situation we had recently purchased a new house, I had recently had a baby after being on bed rest for months, there was no job for me to return to because my boss was diagnosed with cancer and died, we had to replace a 20 year old car. We had a month of 100+ degree 80% humidity days and my air conditioner died. We could have waited a month and had the unit repaired but it was old so I asked my parents if they could lend us money to have the unit replaced. None of the factors pertaining to the situation we anything that could be helped. Weather, bed rest, cancer, these things can't be helped. They agreed. We paid them back within 4 months.

In situations like the above I think it is fine to ask for a loan. If parents say no, that is fine as well. But to ask for money because you chronically can't pay your bills is wrong. If a couple is living bare bones and still can't make ends meet and parents are wealthy/well off and they *choose* to help, that is wonderful. But if a couple has cable, gym memberships, magazine subscriptions, i-phones, goes out to eat, spends freely, etc. and then asks and expects money from others that just makes them shitty adults.

If you are consistently asking for money, you are living above your means. If you have cut out everything and are still having problems, it would be morally appropriate for your mother to give you money. However, she isn't obligated to do so.

If you spend money foolishly (you don't say if you do or not) and have to consistently ask for a loan (do you pay anybody back?), I think your mother has every right to say no and be a bit persnickety about it. She shouldn't humiliate you but it is humiliating in and of itself to ask for money when you know you should be paying your own bills.

I would handle this by telling my husband that we should no longer rely on other people to give us money. We have to try to figure something out to afford our lifestyle without depending on others. And I would seriously look at where the money is going. Is it being frittered away? Does someone have a problem reigning in pleasure purchases? Do we need to have a lower rent payment? Can we really afford going to the movies?

Don't put yourself in the position of being hurt by your mother's words again. Don't ask her for money again.

Good luck. I sincerely hope you get things figured out.

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answers from Washington DC on

in an emergency? sure. in fact, my parents had my husband build them a deck and do some other stuff to earn the down payment for our first house. and his parents made us a one-time gift to help get us in too.
i know my dad has helped my brothers when they've had occasional hard times. he also let my older son live with him rent-free for almost a year while my son was in college. it was a huge help.
but it sounds as if you go to the well on a regular basis, and your nose is out of joint because the Bank of Mom is starting to crack down.
you've asked your parents for money before. your in-laws 'always' help you, which indicates frequency.
it's time for you to grow up and get your finances in order.

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answers from Chicago on

I don't know where to start. I'm not even going to get into the fact that I could not imagine being an adult and expecting help from our parents.

According to your post you both are asking your parents for financial help. It is time to stop. It's time to start looking at the way you are living. Are you trying to live the comfortable life you lived as a child growing up? Trying to keep up with a life you were accustomed to? Are you spending money on things "because everyone else has them"? You need to take a step back and really look at what you spend your money on, based on the income the two of you make. PERIOD. Does she see you spending money on things that you clearly can't afford? It's not your mom or his parent's job to supplement your income so that you can go the the movies every week, have cable television, or a new car. It does not matter how much money your parents make, it's not YOUR money. You need to get over your sense of entitlement. Your husband needs to get over the fact that his parents are enablers and your mother is not.

Your situation is not much different than moms I know who feel their parents should babysit for them whenever they need them. There are plenty of moms on this blog, and that I know, that feel they are "entitled" to use their parents as babysitters so that they can go to work or go out for the night. There are also plenty that get mad when their parents can't or won't babysit for whatever reason. Honestly that makes me just as crazy as your sense of entitlement with money. Grandparents are not babysitters. Some do it because they want to, (but not necessarily full time like what is expected). Some do it to help out. Not much different than giving money as a handout.

I would be curious to know how many women that just judged you, use their parents as babysitters? Because they are grandparents and they SHOULD! Really, it's no different if you use your parents to babysit so you can work, go to school, or go out for the night, then it is with you asking for money. Bottom line, they are freeloading off their parents as well. Don't even get me started on the parents that "won't leave their kids with anyone but family". Big cop out (in 99.9% of that group) for not wanting to pay someone. IMO

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answers from Chicago on

No, I have never and would not. It appears you and your husband have become dependent on these handouts. Maybe you both need to get part time jobs or budget more wisely. You say they have always helped - well perhaps you've gone to the well too many times. It's not your mother's attitude that needs adjusting. It's yours. It's like when people expect their parents to babysit their kids all the time. There are limits to everything and your mom is likely coming to her senses and has reached her limit. Your resource for extra cash is your mom/in-laws. Direct your energy toward identifying a different solution to your money problems that don't include handouts from either of your families.

You and your husband need to take a look at what YOU need to change and stop asking your parents for money. It really stresses the relationships. I am happy to say I don't borrow money or lend it. If I can't afford to pay for it myself (or me and my hubby), we simply won't have it.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

I would stop asking my parents for money. I believe my parents' financial obligations ended when I finished school. It would never ever occur to me or DH to ask our parents for money. They should be saving it for their retirement or spending it on what they enjoy. We do not buy things we cannot afford. If we needed to borrow (our mortgage) we borrowed from the bank. And paid the appropriate interest. I suggest your husband not ask his parents for money either - it will only lead to problems in your marriage.

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answers from Lakeland on

I have never asked my parents for money. My father passed away when I was 17, and he left my mom when I was about 1. Neither of them had much, but they raised me to work hard and not live beyond my means.

If you and your hubby have asked before then maybe that's why she is frustrated. There comes a time when you need to be responsible for yourselves. Your parents shouldn't still be responsible to take care of your bills, you should be doing that especially since you are in your 30's.

I will also suggest finical counseling and to live within your means.

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answers from Santa Fe on

Either you find a better paying job or spend less. It looks like your mom would like you to sit down finally and do a monthly budget plan to get yourself out of your struggle

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answers from Oklahoma City on

I am 55 years old and my husband and I have been married over 20 years. I have one adult daughter from my first marriage and she has 7 children. I am raising a couple of them, my ex and his wife are raising a couple of them, two of them were adopted by their foster family, and my daughter has one with her full time.

My father in law lives on his own and he's retired military, a very good retirement income. Plus he retired from a teaching job after service too.

My husband has bad health and is disabled. He isn't able to work at all and in fact he stays in bed at least 20 hours per day now.

Our income is not great but if my hubby managed it right it would be sufficient. Again, not at the poverty level but not as much as he made when he worked.

I do without a lot of the time so they grand kids can have things they want and I get very very tired of it.

Right now I have no health coverage at all. I haven't been sick in a while and I'm very thankful for that.

I have no car insurance because somehow the check bounced in July the day after we got paid...I have no idea what happened because I'm not on my hubby's checking account and have never been on it. Checks also bounced for propane, Walmart for groceries, and another one.

Four checks bounced the day after we got his SSDI check.

So yes, sometimes we have to go ask my father in law for help. It's not very often, in fact less than one time per year. But we've had to ask for help.

We take care of my father in law and clean his house, take care of his property, and hang out with him because he's awesome. If I never had to ask him for a penny I'd be very happy.

We haven't asked him for any help during the crisis time either. We have just cut back on everything and we've made do. When we got paid this month we paid off the checks and had almost zero left. My granddaughter is out of town for another week so we can get by on luncheon meat sandwiches and water. It's very easy to eat minimally with it just being us.

This month will be a long one of course but we will make it. I'd love to have car insurance and not be worried that I'll be in an accident or get stopped but we'll have that next month.

Sometimes we just have to figure out what we're doing wrong and take responsibility and live by that choice.

It seems to me that you are expecting a lot from your extended family. You say his parents help you out frequently and he says your mom isn't helping as much.

It might be how you wrote it and left more out than you meant to but why are anyone's parents having to help you out?

I guess that's probably what most of us would want to know?

Are you living in a home that you can't afford? Do you have excessive utility bills? Need to get rid of your higher priced vehicles and get more reasonable ones? Cut spending on things you don't need to survive?

Why do they need to help you out so much?

Even if you and your hubby are both working and it's minimum wage you should be able to pay rent and utilities and have at least one vehicle between you. I imagine that both of you need to sit down and be realistic about making a budget so you can learn to live a more minimalistic lifestyle.

I have lived on less money per month and lived with more money per month that I thought I could spend. SO it's quite the let down when I'm eating food I hate but have to eat something to stay alive.

I think you sound young and have a life that you're loving. Can I just suggest that you and your hubby sit down and rework your budget and figure out where your income is going. Keep track of every penny that you spend. Even if you stop at a quarter bubble gum machine and use a quarter. Keep a log and see where your money goes.

We went to budgeting class one time and we were told to do this. I spend all my money at the convenience store on 44oz drinks. I fill the cup FULL of ice, mounded with ice, then add pop. When I'm home a 12 ounce can will barely fit in that 44 ounce cup stuffed full of ice. So even though it looks like I'm drinking a ton of pop it's really not that much and that cup will last me all day, down to the point it's empty.

Hubby was spending him money on small things and not nearly as much as me.

When we got done keeping track of our money and went back to the budgeting class each one told what they had discovered. One guy found he was spending nearly $150 per month at the convenience store on coffee, he'd stop each morning for a cup of coffee and he'd grab a pastry too. The coffee was close to $3 and the pastries made his daily stop over $5 per day. If he stopped on his way home or at lunch or on the weekends or any other time he spent more.

So many people had similar stories.

Our teacher challenged us to find a way to supply that same need but make it less expensive.

I decided to buy a case of canned pops and bought some of those larger insulated cups. The guy with the coffee addiction, his words, bought a machine and the cups that go in it. He spent a little to fix his long term problem and was able to cut his overall spending for coffee down to just 1/4 of what he had been spending. He also bought some pastries to keep at home so he didn't need to stop at the store at all. They saved a lot of money that way.

There are so many other stories where people figured out where their income was going and they were able to make changes and have more for bills.

This is obviously what you guys need to do. Getting higher paying jobs, taking on second jobs, cutting spending, etc...are all ways you can find ways to manage better.

Know that you need to figure this out before you start a family so that you aren't dependent on your families so much.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Fayetteville on

31 and you need money from your parents? Sorry, but you need some money management classes. Perhaps you can go back to school to earn a(nother) degree to help get a better job?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Asheville on

I would never, ever, ever ask my mother for money, and no, I have never expected it. I won't even take $5 from her for gas when we go somewhere together. If times were that rough, I would just get an additional part-time job, or do what I have to do to make it work. If that means getting government assistance, so be it. I'd do that before asking anyone else for money.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I would not ask my parents for money to manage every day ordinary things. I did ask my mom for money when we bought our first home together but I was single at the time. I don't ask anyone for money to manage my daily money.

It's time to grow up and handle your bills yourselves. STOP expecting parents to bail you out and bridge the gaps. You owe your mother an apology. You also need to talk with your husband. While he thinks it's fine for his parents to support you, it is really NOT. As long as he sees his parents as a safety net neither of you will grow up and be selfsufficient and supporting. Fast forward to the time when your children are adults will you be able to help them like the help you are getting or will you need them to help you?

Ultimately I believe OnePerfectOne gave you the best answer.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Re-read Mel R's post; I think she expresses a lot of wisdom. I understand that you don't feel good about asking the older generation for money and your household may need some assistance right now, however you two are in a pattern. Based on your post, this isn't the first time, the second, or the third that your in-laws or your mother have been asked to help you two cover your bills, and you have only been married a couple years. If you don't figure out how to live on your incomes, the road ahead is a rocky one. From what I understand, money is one of the most common sources of conflict in a relationship, and you two seem to need to find a better way to deal with it. Perhaps your mother's refusal will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, as it can get you and your husband to sit down and come up with a new plan for your finances?

I do understand that it's hard and scary now, not having the money to pay bills which are due now. This incident, however, should be a wakeup call to figure out how to get your income and expenses into better balance. Wishing you good luck with it!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

You need to set your lifestyle in such a manner that you and your husband can afford it without asking parents for money. It doesn't matter how much money your mother makes it is her money not yours. likewise it doesnt matter what your husbands family does to help you that should not be used as a lever against your mother. If you and your husband work and can't afford the bills you need to downsize to smaller house cheaper cars etc. As far as handling it there is nothing to handle. it is her money if she is done helping adult children who refuse to live within their means she is done. And I understand her as I have constantly been asked by my daughter to help her out. while she makes one poor financial choice after another. You will never learn to be fully self supporing if she continues to bail you out. It doesnt mean she doesn't love you and your family it means she is done supporting you and at 31 you should be self sufficient.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I don't think one should expect help, but it is nice to get it when needed.
My question would be, has this been going on for a long time in terms of you and your husband needing help? IF it has, I am wondering if mom sees the bigger picture here which is, you can give person a fish and they eat for a day or you can teach them to fish and they eat for a lifetime.. That said, in my case, it was my mom and brother who wanted money from me.. They had it in their minds that I had it to give.. NOT true.. I was just always a generous person and would forgo something in order that my mother and brother could have the money instead... What started happening (esp with mom) was that she took me for granted and was almost resentful towards me. Again, I was simply generous, truth was. I am the one who could have used more money at that time.. Maybe your mom feels taken for granted and feels she has helped enough... I think at some point there has to be a limit as to how much help a person gives.. I don't think humiliating a person is in order, but tough love might be..
Maybe this is an opportunity for you and your husband to make a list of all expenses and find places where you can cut back.. some might say, we already did that.. however, if you look closer, you might find more..
example.. is it possible to take public transportation instead of the car.. or limiting tv and getting rid of cable (that is if you have it) what about eating out, expensive phone plans.. I don't know that you haven't already done all this, but if not, might be worth looking into.. also, I know someone who used a credit counselor and that was a huge help.... they found ways to cut back even more so...
whatever happens, I wish you all the best..
you can get through this :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Huntington on

No, I would never ask my parents for money. I am trying to think of a situation where I would, and I just can't.

I am an adult, and that means I pay my own way. I am responsible for myself.

If I can't afford to pay my bills, then I have some hard choices to make, and none of them include asking someone else for money.

I am empowered, though, to take other action:
reducing my expenses
selling belongings
taking on a side job or babysitting for money

I am constantly amazed at the lengths my friends will go to in order to creatively earn money.

I truly believe that nobody is entitled to anything. Working hard to provide for your family is great and that still does not mean you get a handout. It is no longer your parents responsibility to pay your way or maintain your lifestyle.

I am sure your mom did not want to hurt your feelings but is feeling fed up and ready for you to stand on your own two feet. Go do it! You can do it and it feels sooooo good to know that you owe nobody ANYTHING, even if it means giving up a certain lifestyle.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

dh's parents would loan us money and tack on interest as well.
my parents would loan us money interest free but always suggest i go to grandpa first. grandpa is wealthy and will loan anyone in the family money whenever they need it. he expects it to be paid back but he does not care when. i borrowed a bunch from grandpa and when i went to pay him back i was about 200$ short and grandma wrote me a note saying i was paid in full and said not to worry about the rest.
so it all depends on the family and how they were raised.

2 moms found this helpful
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