How Do You Handle Friends or Acquaintances Complaining About Their Husbands?

I don't care to hang around those who trash talk their spouses. I think it is a marriage issue between a husband and wife and the other "friends' should not be included into the drama.

I admit that I look down on a wife or husband who trash talks about each other to others..... Just think about what they are saying about you...and they made no vows to you..... Just a thought.

A lot of it is drama and the person complaining just wants attention but I steer clear of it.

If these are big issues (sex life, gambling, alcohol problems) and the friend is always negative about her husband and other things, I don't think she should be sharing so much. You might advise her to speak to a counselor. But with little things, I think it's normal to complain. When others complain to me, I don't worry so much about my own husband's little quirks. It's like we are all in this together. Same goes for kids. No kid is perfect and when I hear about another mom's minor struggles, it makes me realize too that I'm not the only one who's not perfect or doesn't have perfect kids. Perhaps you should explain what kinds of complaints you are hearing--is it that he leaves the toilet seat up or that he might be having an affair? There is quite a range of complaints.

I think sometimes women just need to vent....they need an outlet and know that someone is on their side even if it is just for listening. I have a fantastic husband but there are times that I get upset or frustrated and need to let it out with someone else in order for it not to affect the sanity of my household. Unless these are serious situations, I would do just what you have been doing, listening and perhaps understanding. Agreeing with them unless they are truly wrong. If the problems persist or worsen, then advise for counseling.
P.S. I would rather talk to a friend with a face and feelings than to write on this forum about a frustration. Then again I have no serious marital problems. Good luck!

If it makes you uncomfortable you certainly have the right to either try to change the subject or just flat out say I'm just not comfortable giving advice on this subject.

However, my girlfriends and I always chit chat and vent to each other about the little annoying things our husbands do. We laugh, we exchange stories and it usually makes us feel better to know that we are not alone. For us, it's usually in good fun and not a serious marital issue. If your friend is really struggling and is truly in need of help maybe you should suggest a marriage counselor. This will either direct them to the appropriate resource or they will take a step back, realize how much they've been complaining and that you have taken it very seriously and they might stop the complaining.

Good luck,
K.

Is it healthy venting or a predictable pattern of conversations with her?

I was recently in this situation. I generally keep my comments to a minimum and very generic. Alot of listening. During the most recent situation, I asked her to tell me about her husband's good quality. It helped move the conversation from negative to positive and provided her with the nudge to consider his positive qualities. I think she got the message that she was sharing too much negative and appreciated the reframing.

I'm probably one of those people who would make you uncomfortable, because I tend to be an open book about most things.

That being said, I don't think that people would mind if you mentioned you're not comfortable with the conversation. I adjust my conversations very much based upon the people with whom I'm speaking.

Some people might just not be able to tell you're not comfortable with the conversation. However, one caveat is that it may really alienate you from friends/acquaintances who may exclude you if they want to have conversations where they can let their hair down.

My husband is wonderful, but he certainly has his flaws, as I certainly do too. My friends are my therapy - it's nice to know that the issues we deal with are common and not isolated to us. Bad mouthing your husband is one thing. Complaining that he doesn't pick-up his dirty socks is different.

Good luck.

Some people are just naturally the type of person that seem to have lots of people tell them thier problems, stories etc. Usually because they are good listeners and don't judge. It sounds like you are one of those people. What is funny is they are often the people that don't want to hear about it. :) Most women just like to vent, not have the problem solved for them. That's why we don't vent to our husbands about a lot of things, but to girlfriends instead. Men want to fix it, women are better at empathizing and listening. Unless the women actually ask you what you would do, you don't need to offer advice. And if the subject is uncomfortable for you to listen to, you can certainly tell them that particular subject is a little too personal for you, or that maybe a professional would be better help. But if it is just regular venting (I love the baking pan to change oil- what a GUY!) then just nod and listen if you are comfortable doing so. I would never point out every little thing to my husband that annoys me, it would make us both miserable. He is just being a man, and it is likely more my problem than his when he does irritating stuff. But that doesn't mean it doesn't drive me crazy and make me wish he could be more like a woman in some ways, and that is what friends are good for- to laugh and gasp over oily baking pans. :)

Like others have mentioned, I think most the time girlfriends want to vent. When I talk to my friends, I never want them to fix anything for me or intervene on my behalf or anything like that. I just want to talk about it and get it out. Usually, my friend will have similar issues and we talk together, growl, laugh, and we're done. So unless your friend(s) actually ask you to give them advice or help them fix what's wrong, I'd just listen. If you are being asked to tell them what to do or anything more than listen, tell them to seek out someone who has experience with counseling (psychologist, pastor, etc.)

I worked with someone who complained about his wife and marriage in general all the time. Then I figured it wasn't really his wife and marriage he was complaining about, he just liked complaining because it's a better story to tell at the office. To see them together you'd never seen a more happy couple before in your life. Don't believe everything you hear.

I am with you, in that marital issues should be resolved w/in the marriage. I think it is extremely disprespectful to talk negatively about your spouse to anybody other than a counselor, priest, etc... Unfortunately, it seems to be a growing trend to disrespect your spouse and complain to others about them. Personally, I choose to not hang out with women who do this to their husbands...if they are going to talk badly about someone who they vowed to love, what are they saying about their friends to others?!

A.,
I would just do what you are doing. Try to just listen, if they are asking for advice, because they think you have it, by all means, give them what worked for you:) but most of the time people just want to vent. Just make sure that you are not complaining about yours. Try to empathize with out condoning.
Some times its nice to know that your friends care about your happiness, getting their input says that. You could try to change the subject about something great their husbands did or something you have noticed they do. Or even something nice about your husband.
This is what I do with my friends... I listen and if I can related and have dealt with something similar, I then will ask, "Well I had a similar experience, would you like to know what worked for me?" or "I could give you my advice if you want it". I just leave it open so they can say yes or no. That way I know if they really want advice or just a listening ear.
I totally agree with you that spouses should not dog on each other to their friends. However, I think it is acceptable to ask a friends opinion when one is truly searching for helpful advice.
Good luck,
E.

I can tell you being the one who has complained that it is a matter of venting. Although these issues should be discussed with the husband.
But, I think as women like to have someone to confide in of reassurance that their feelings are valid.
Personally, I'm sort of selective in who I confide in. I think the best thing to do is listen because this is what the person is looking for. You could just ask the person if they have spoken to their husband about it. But I would not criticize the husband or take sides in anyway because it could come back to haunt you.

Are they ASKING for advice? It didn't seem that way from what you mentioned in your post, so maybe they are not expecting advice, but someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on, maybe have a personal anecdote to share regarding the subject, or someone nice enough to listen, sympathize and understand, without judging them or even taking sides. They want a neutral party. They obviously didn't feel comfortable enough telling someone like a co-worker, maybe they felt that unlike a co-worker or relative, you wouldn't judge. The best thing you can do is listen and say something like "wow, I am sorry, marriages can be tough, and nothing is perfect. I am sorry you feel this way". This shows empathy, the fact that you're listening, and not pointing fingers at anyone. IF they DO ask for advice, then you can just say you are not a psychotherapist and cannot offer advice, but that you have no problem listening to them if all they need to do is vent, something which is normal and healthy, rather than keeping their anger all pent up. Help them find a marriage counselor if necessary to show you care enough about them resolving their problem. Is it something major like cheating or more on the lines of "I am so sick of John, he never picks up his underwear from the floor"? Such small issues may not require a counselor, just some talking with their spouse, so maybe that's the sort of advice you can give..."Why don't you tell John how frustrated you are for having to pick up after him and ask him to please throw the dirty underwear in the hamper?"
I know I feel MUCH better after venting out, it's like I can let go of my problem and stop holding a grudge, so maybe that's all they are doing. I call my mother to vent about men as I don't like other people knowing my personal business and she will usually say something like "Well, men are hard to live with, they can be selfish, I remember when your dad did something similar...." and she will tell the story. This helps me feel like I am not alone and that she cares enough to be there for me.

Stick with the third party, neutral counselor.
Many women like to complain. About EVERYTHING.
I have learned to tell them how busy I am and that we'll talk later on, make a lunch date; but really I am just supporting their lack of focus, gratitude and excitement for life.
Sure, some husbands can be difficult to communicate with; but that's not YOUR problem.

well, im one to have friends complain about there husbands and/or family life as well i am one too. how should you handle it...you can either let them know that you really want to be your friend and listen however you dont feel comfortable hearing about their personal life OR you could be a friend and listen and give what ever advice you think is right. i dont know about your life but life IS hard and sometimes we all need someone to be there for us and give us advice that we need. in my own personal opinion, if i had a "friend" who didnt want to talk to me about there lives..good or BAD and didnt want to hear about mine..i wouldnt want to be friends with them..that to me is the meaning of friendship, being there for another person.

I agree with you. I usually respond in a generic way with some support, but keeping MY private life private by saying something like "I know what you are saying. I think lots of people feel that way sometimes....."

just say u dont feel comfortable when the bashing starts. Good friends will understand.

I have never tried it because my friends and I try not to talk bad about our husbands, but I have heard ladies say, "Oh you should talk to your husband about that." You are still listening but only giving that advice. Eventually they may take your advice or stop asking you for it.

You can attempt to work through frustrations with your spouse, and counseling is great. Some people don't have a pastor and not all marital problems are serious enough to warrant professional help...sometimes you just need to vent about annoyance! And no one understands like another wife and mother. I too wonder, do you just keep your feelings bottled up and not vent about them from time to time? That to me is unhealthier than the problem you're complaining about. It's life to talk to your friends about what's going on! And most often women don't want help or advice, just to get it off our chest and minds. A good friend just listens and sympathizes (or empathizes)!

i just listen and say something noncommital like, ohhh, or uh-huh. don't really give advice. ask what they think they should do or ask if they have talked to their spouses about what they are talking to you about and what they said about it

That is exactly what I do- LISTEN. Obviously these women feel as if they can talk to you. Continue to be a friend and let them vent . . . that's all they are wanting to do. Do you not ever need to vent about something?

I would tell your friends that you are uncomfortable with the topic. I am a very vocal husband complainer. If something is bothering me I need to talk about it, and usually with my girlfriends. I am not looking for resolution I just need to vent. If any of my friends said they felt uncomfortable I would not be upset.

I'm in a situation like this right now with a friend whom I do care about, but it makes me uncomfortable too. I've heard what sound like some very personal family dispute stories and also several private details regarding her husband's attitude, worry, and their marriage.

I want to be a good friend, and I do listen to her because I feel like she just needs to vent - but I told myself recently that if it continues on and gets any worse, I think I'll talk to her about going to see a counselor with him...

Suffice it to say, Ladies, if you are one of the women who is just out of your mind annoyed with your hubby - lean on your girlfriends for support but don't suffocate us please!

I would just be honest and say, "I am uncomfortable with this conversation because I feel like this is a private matter between you and your husband."

Our experiences can help others. If you have something to offer that might help your friend/acquaintance, then offer it. If it makes you uncomfortable, say nothing.

I think you are being the best friend when you don't offer advice, unless that advice is that they should love their husbands and honor them. You are right that it is wrong for them to do this. You might tell them that you are uncomforable because she will go home and everything will be resolved, but you still have this bad impression of the husband, which may or may not be an accurate picture of who he is. It *is* one-sided. Perhaps you can focus on what they are doing wrong in the relationship and help from that angle. If they don't want to go there, then perhaps they should drop it. : )

Unless it's something that I actually know the exact answer for, I don't say anything. I just listen and say I'm sorry or hmm or yeah. Sometimes they just want you to listen without judgment. And to not repeat what you hear of course. If they ask for an answer, I say I don't have one, but I can listen. Even if it seems awkward, sometimes just being an ear for someone can be really helpful for them. And that's what friends do. When I vent to my sister, or vice versa, there isn't an answer expected.

Lol, I am sorry , but isn't that what women do? We like to chat about the most important things in our life, husbands, children, jobs, house, car, etc. I think alot of us might do it to see how our own husbands are measuring up. If it makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should just find other friends who don't chat about things like this?? I am really not sure where you are coming from, but isn't that what girlfriends for?
P.S. I wrote this before reading the other replies. I am one of those women who loves being a woman, I guess the circle of women I know is a wide range of people and we all just try to figure men out, I don't really think it is men bashing, hmm, I guess this is a good one to try and figure out. Why do women love to talk about men?

aaaw...thats what friends are for! What would I do if I didnt have my wonderful friends to vent to? No need to give me opinions - just listening makes me feel so much better. I cant magine not having such an outlet. I am happy to listen to them - knowing that they feel better releasing their frustrations.

The best thing to do is remember not to enter in especially if it's extreme negativity. Try to swing the conversation back around to some of the things your friend really thinks is great about her husband. And be prepared to joke it off and say, "Isn't it funny how men act(think)? Hey, did you know that JC Penney's is having a huge sale?" in other words, refocus the conversation on something else. It's really easy for a woman to tear down her husband but in the eyes of her friends, she should be building him up unless he's a terrible abuser,.

Most women/men relationship books tell men that women do not want advice, they just need to talk about what's bothering them to work through it. I've definitely taken that advice into my relationships with my female friends, unless they ask otherwise. :)