Divorce in the Military

Well as a recent divorcee' from someone in the military or just someone who advocates for parents rights.... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE unless you feel your child is in danger, allow his father to spend the time with him. If he wants to share custody allow him to share custody. You could have primary custody. It is vital for your son to know and spend time with his father, and that's more important than a few sniffles.

As women we so often complain about men and not spending time with their children and then there are those men who do want to spend time with their children and woman deny them because it's not on our terms. It's not fair for you to look at the negatives in your son's father and state that you don't want joint custody because your son may have those same traits. We all have good and bad traits and unless those bad traits will hurt the child, you shouldn't deny your son of their right to be in each other's lives. You had the children together so 50/50 is fair. In every decision you make think of your child and what's best for him. Your child will interact with different types of people in his life so knowing how to communicate with a noncommunicator like his father is probably an added benefit.

I share 50/50 custody with my former husband and he does not like the kids to express their feelings very much. But I didn't stop them from spending time with him, because he is their father and also has other good qualities that they need in their life. Although we have primary custody and share the kids, I did include the right to move with my children. That way if anything ever comes up later in life you have that as a back-up. But allow your future x joint custody with his son. Your son is also very young right now and your future x could be completely different with him, once your son can talk, run, and play sports.

It;s defiantely important for a child to have a good strong relationship with his father. I would promote that bond and do what you can so they can spend a lot of time together. As for 50/50 I would say no. As a mother I could never only have my child 50% of the time plus at 15mths they need their moms more. When he is older like 4 or 5 yrs old then it isn't as important. At this stage in his life he needs a mother's nurturing and patience which yes some fathers do have but most are not like a mother. Encourage a relationship with his father maybe have him take him every other weekend and one night a week but I would not let it be 50/50.

I am actually a military mom. My ex husband is a civilian and when we separated I joined the Air Force. I can completely understand where you are coming from so here's a bit of advice from the 3 year custody battle I just went through. The first thing is get joint primary custody. I do not agree that going 50/50 is a good idea. I only say that because my ex and I did that and it was very difficult getting it changed when our son became old enough to go to school. I agree that your baby needs to be with his dad, but hopefully your ex will be willing to work around the custody agreement. Just because it goes to court, does not mean you guys cannot adjust it when you want to between yourselves. There have been plenty of times when I have gone home to see family and we have switched our son between us so the other parent can get a little extra time to see him. The only thing the court order is for is if you guys are not agreeing on something - that's what you HAVE to at LEAST go by. Also, not to be discouraging, but just because he is in the military does NOT mean that he will not be allowed custody of your son. When my ex and I went to court, my ex tried to bring up that I could get deployed, etc. and the judge through it out saying that as long as I had someone taking care of our son, it was not an issue that needed to be addressed. So I do not recommend bringing that up in court. In my agreement, I had it put in that if I get deployed for a year or more, he will stay with his dad during that time and be returned back to me immediately upon my return. Also, as far as meds go, I can completely understand. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 4 years old. I tried everything under the sun as an alternative to medicine (i.e. change in diet, TV time, etc) and when it came down to it, it just did not help his behavior during school. I eventually did put him on a very low dosage of meds for his ADHD and it has worked wonders in his behavior without taking away his quirky personality. When I finally broke the news to my ex about my decision, he was thoroughly ticked. However, because I am the primary custodian, he could not do anything and has gotten used to the idea that when he is in school, he will be on meds. And since it has brought his grades up as well, it has helped convince him. Talk to your (soon to be) ex about meds and try other remedies that he suggests before resorting to them. In the end, you will need a very good divorce and custody attorney. They can get very expensive (I spent about $10k on mine - but my ex also dragged things out to make it more expensive as well) so I would recommend talking to your lawyer about some sort of payment plan. I also recommend you go to counseling before going on with the divorce. Since he is in the military, you can get it for free through the base chaplain or if you guys go to church speak to your pastor about doing it. It is true that the divorce rate is VERY high for military members, which is very sad. My divorce was not due to the military, but I have seen a lot of divorces since I have joined and I believe some of them could have been worked through with some elbow grease and counseling. :) In the end, I do recommend that you allow your son to still be with his dad when he can be. I have gotten remarried since my divorce and while my son knows who his real father is and spends time with him, he has picked up a lot of my husband's character traits. So don't worry about all of the "bad" traits his father may pass onto him because he will learn good ones from you, a possible step-dad in the future, and even his teachers when he starts school. My ex was abusive to me, but never his son and I worried about him passing on that temper to our son. However, I have yet to see that happen and as long as I instill good behavior qualities, I believe he will see how he should and should not behave (despite his father's bad qualities). Divorce is difficult on a kid, do your best not to put him in the middle of it. One thing my lawyer always said to me was to NEVER talk about the custody in front of my son. If I was on the phone with his dad or my lawyer, I needed to go to a different room. You do not want your son to see you fighting/crying about custody over him, it will mess him up mentally. Even though he is young right now, who knows how long the custody battle could last (mine took 3 yrs) so he may eventually remember or understand what is going on and starting early by keeping him away from those discussions is a good habit to start. I wish the best of luck to you during this time. It's very difficult and painful but if there is no hope in reconciling the marriage, divorce may be your best option. Good luck again!

PS - I am actually writing this on my husband's account. He saw the post and recommended that I reply back to you. Just to clear up any confusion. :)

Hello M.,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I do not know if you are close to the LORD or not but I think that you should turn to him right now and pray to him and talk to him and he will guide you all the way through this. You need to trust in the LORD with all of your heart and let him carry you right now.

I know that life is real hard right now and it seems like the whole world is crashing down around you, but just turn to GOD and trust in him.

GOD BLESS and take care.

From one mother to another.

In all fairness, you must trust that your husband has some good things about him and your son will inherit good and bad things from him. Give him a chance and do not be judgmental. Let the chips fall where they may and this will avoid anxiety.

I know what you mean about your husband not being big on meds. My sons both have asthma and my husband only wants to give them their medicine when they are sick. I try over and over to explain to him about maintenance meds, but he thinks the medicines are harmful. So frustrating. I'm not sure if he would give them their meds if I weren't around. If you and your husband can communicate about things as much as possible it will be best for your son. Obviously communication is an issue, but it won't be about you guys once you are divorced, but just about what is best for your little guy. Even if you feel like you can't afford a divorce attorney (and they are very expensive), you really should hire one b/c there are so many things that you wouldn't think about (like who gets the income tax deduction--sounds small now, but if money is tight it is an issue; having your H maintain life insurance on himself in case something happens to him, etc., whether it's ok to move out of state/changes schools, etc.) that a good attorney will discuss with you and you will have your settlement agreement/final judgment for the next 16+ years. I know several very good attorneys that handle divorce that I could recommend, if you email me privately. Hang in there!

Make an appointment with his first shirt, his job is handling family problems. With tdy,PCS and deployments I can't see a 50-50 deal.As long as your husband is in the military, your son will keep his benefits. Also check by family support you do get a portion of his retirement. It's how many years you were married while he was active duty divided by two.For men who aren't home alot. military. doctors.lawyers,police, their wives need to be self reliant.
I'm been married 31 years to a military man and it has n't been easy, I wish the had a TO for them on marriage, After a while they can't think on their own because they where to exactly what, how and when to do every thing. My son is now a Captain USAF and his wife is not too independant but knows we will assist in any way possible. Her parents are D and litterly crazy.

Dear M.,

With your ex being in the military, you will definitely have full custody. Its up to you to talk about shared or joint custody. But YOU should get full custody because there's no way of knowing when and if he gets deployed. So the floor is yours, honey! Express your concerns and wants for your child's development (health and mental development) to your attorney who will then bring that up in court and give you more backing in your case. If he's at work, where will your child go??? Duh, day care! And so it should definitely be left up to you as to where to take him. A mother knows best!

And just because he suggests the 50/50 deal with you, does not mean he doesn't have to pay you child support. No where will it say in your decree that he shouldn't pay even if it is 50/50...Sounds like he's just trying to weasel his way out of it. No offense.
But you will definitely get full custody but it is up to you and him to work out visitation days

I would say that the percentage of time that he sees his child depends on whether or not he is paying child support.
(Which I hope that you are making sure that he does) If so then usually the courts decide that they share the child every other weekend. You might get some legal advise. It is very important that the child know his father. My daughter had a similiar problem but now the child is 11 yrs old and told her that he knows that she never lies to him or talks bad about his dad, but that his father lies and talks bad about her. Children must come to their own conclusions or else they will recent you when they're older. It's a very difficult process but there are worse things that the father not communicating much or not giving him meds. Good Luck. Continue to research.......