Did I Overreact to This Situation with Hubby?

Wanna see my tampon??? It's full of clots! Here. LOOKIT. Look at this tampon. Wanna touch it. Here. See how squishy it is? Can you smell it? Take a big ole whiff. What??? Well FINE! I won't share my health stuff with you anymore! So don't complain when I'm in the hospital and you don't know!

DON'T SHARE STUFF WITH ME ANYMORE *******WHEN******* I ASK YOU NOT TO.

Yes, you way overreacted.... so did he.

He probably wanted to share the story b/c it bothered him too and he also needed to get it off his chest and talk about it.

The snoring thing would royally piss me off. But I wouldn't be naive enough to not delete it either. Even still, he shouldn't have shared it.

You guys need to seriously and calmly discuss these boundaries that you set in place to respect each other.

well, here's another scenario: when he asked you to share, instead of blocking him out.....you could have kindly & gently said, "I cannot cope with this right now, but if you give me the article....I promise you that I will read it & share with you later".

Pretty much, you both acted like kids.....:)

It was obviously important to him, but I also see where you're coming from.

You guys need to talk this out. It's not about the article; it's the fact that you weren't listening to him, and he wasn't listening to you.

This is the type of thing you talk about immediately, then drop it! Not worth fighting over....

wow - a screaming match over a news article? There is much more to this story than just a news story that you didn't want to hear.

While he did not respect the "NO" you stated, you said sharing stories is something you typically do so why the change?

I don't get why it was STILL an issue this morning. Yes, you BOTH over reacted. He didn't listen to your boundaries and you lit into him for not and kept it going into the next day.

If my husband would've done this to me. I would have told him that I was disappointed that he didn't respect my wishes and that we have two boys we are trying to teach "no means no" to. However, I would NOT have followed him out of the room and I wouldn't have argued with him about it the next day.

Yes you over reacted. Yes I over react to. I have gotten angry about hypothetical scenarios with my husband. I'll tell you a REALLY stupid overreacting story: He was reading a sci-fi book about people living for 300 years and there were "marriage contracts" where instead of being married for life, you could determine your term and renew or not. So for 10 years or 20 or whatever and then off you go. So I said oh is that what you'd rather we had, a contract for 10 years or 20 and then you could go get a newer model? He said no but it makes sense to think about it as people live longer and longer. I said are you freakin kidding me, so at 60 I should try and get myself on the dating market again? and what about our kids? and grandkids by then? Mind you, this was a HYPOTHETICAL scenario. And we have young kids, not even an ISSUE. Well I was screaming angry at him. To this day, it is a joke between us.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we never pushed each other's buttons? Maybe marriage would be too boring then? I don't know...

I do it all the time with my husband, usually its over something a little more simpler, like a toilet seat being left up or a dirty glass in the wrong place. I blow up. Then I simmer, and then we talk about it. I am glad my husband is a bit more even tempered to not get angry with me. He usually just tells me to pipe down and go take a breather, when I am adult enough, then come talk to him about what the problem it. I usually get more pissed about that and have to take a drive for a while with the kids of course. Then I am so tired I forget about usually. We have a sort of mild volatile relationship. We do however have lots of cultural issues to deal with as well

You both did. Obviously, you have some problems communicating your needs. This was probably petty to him and so he doesn't understand why you're so upset. You need to both appologize and then sit down and listen to each other about your needs.

It sounds like he wanted to open up to you about how this news story impacted him. Clearly he was very upset by it, and wanted to talk to his best girl and confidante to see what insight she may have. Maybe in his "guy" way, he just wanted you to commiserate and comfort him because it really upset him that bad.

When you didn't respond the way he had hoped (because we all know guys think we're mind readers and vice versa we do the same LOL!) he took it personally and may have even felt betrayed.

I don't think his reaction was about the article at all. I think it was about his disappointment that you couldn't read his mind that he wanted to connect with you about how he was feeling.

You are right to want your space etc. but to me this whole scenario points to the fact that maybe you need to take a little more time to read between the lines with your husband. He sounds like a still waters - runs deep kinda guy...where what is going on the surface isn't really what's going on.

Instead of looking at the surface, take time in the future to figure out what he's really looking for and needing. As upsetting as the article might have been, maybe, for your husband's sake, allowing yourself to be a little uncomfortable so he can "connect" with you on an emotional level might be well worth the sacrifice.

I don't think he's being a jerk. I think you both have a big misunderstanding going on. Eliminate the "article" and it's contents from this story and you will find a communication error. Maybe swallow a little pride, apologize for not letting him tell you why the article upset him so much that he wanted to talk about it, and take it from there. He simply wants to be heard too, and will probably calm down if you give him the opportunity to tell you why he thought it was THAT IMPORTANT to talk about it.

I know if something upset my husband that bad, I'd want to talk about it. I wouldn't want him going to someone else to confide things like that. This is how relationships lose out in the area of trust and openess. If we shut them down too much, they WILL go somewhere else to be heard and reaffirmed.

Be happy that he still comes to you to share intimate thoughts, concerns and feelings. Don't push him away. Be more receptive. JMO.

No. You did not over react. He was having a power trip moment and you called him on it. He was very disrespectful to you and owes you an apology. You couldn't have been more clear. Don't listen to the other responses that are making you out to be the bad guy or that it was partly your fault. You in no way over reacted!

Why did you stand there yelling at him to stop? Next time, leave the room. Calmly.

If you don't want others to hear the snoring tape, destroy it.

It sounds to me like you are allowing him to have entirely too much control over how you feel. He's playing with that control (which is disrespectful, in my opinion). Regain control of your reactions and he will stop.

It sounds like he's unhappy in other ways and the fights are not the things in front of you at the time, but something else. The "I can't have people over" was a total over-reaction to you being upset about being the butt of a joke. I would have left the room had my DH continued to read an article I did not want to hear. What was his point? He wasn't trying to be heard. He was trying to be hurtful. There are things I do not want to hear or discuss and for anybody to press the issue (when it is not necessary to be discussed) is rude and disrespectful.

The aftermath will tell you about your relationship. If you continue to fight, you need to find a better way to communicate or get to the bottom of what's really going on.

My DH and I had a tiff yesterday because I was trying to tell him about what port the HDMI cable was in without him pulling the TV apart. He was on the phone with Verizon and was dismissive and rude. Later, he asked me why I took a particular tone with him. I said that I was trying to help and since *I* had installed the cable, I knew what cable it was and where it was going (A to B) and I felt ignored and stupid. He said he was not aware I had installed it and was sorry for dismissing me. We exchanged a few more comments and it was over. We have moved on. The fact that you can't move on means there is something else going on, IMO. A news article should not create a screaming match. Further, even if he was a jerk, what was so important to go to another room and light into him instead of leaving the room in the first place? When he kept reading, another reaction could have been, "DH, I asked you to please not read me that article. I am going to leave now because you are not respecting my request."

Or you could have said, "I am not the right person to share this with. If you need to talk about it, please call a friend." My DH is a leader in our hobby group. There is always drama with these people. I tell him that I do not want to hear it. He needs to call up one of his friends to talk about those issues because all it will do is make me mad and we rarely agree (I'm in favor of kicking stupid people out...he tries to be more diplomatic).

If you and DH cannot communicate without fighting, you should seek the advice of a 3rd party, like a counselor or pastor.

If it were me, here's how I would have responded to him, I would have said: "You are not going to like my answer, so I'm getting up...now leave me alone." I wouldn't give him the time of day. I would go to my room, close the door, end of discussion. To me, it sounds like your husband wants to pick a fight. After I got out of my room, I would have asked him why he's bored and wants to pick a fight. Why would he ask you if you wanted it read to you, then you said "no", so he reads it anyways? What's that all about???

My husband can do stuff like that and it's amazingly frustrating. He'll be doing something "for me" and I will be standing there saying "please stop. Please stop I don't want it. Please stop." and he won't stop!! My mom said once he's the most stubborn person she's ever seen and that's saying a lot coming from my family. I think it's how his mind works. He gets incredibly fixated. He's an engineer so I honestly think he just operates differently. A friend was saying she thinks her engineer husband has Aspergers and I think many technically inclined men may have it to one slight degree or another. Is your husband at all technical? What I've found helps is to touch him and make him look at me and focus on what I'm saying. It kind of breaks the spell. And also ask him how he would have preferred you to handle it. What could YOU have done differently? For one, it makes him stop being defensive and two, it makes him accept responsibility bc if you do what he asks, then he can't blame you. In my book, any sane person who is being told to stop reading something to me should easily stop. No big deal. But he operates differently so try to work with him to reach a mutual agreement how to stop these situations. Agree ahead of time that if one of you says time out, the other has to abide by it. The snoring tape was obnoxious... I'm sure he did it bc he wanted a laugh. Immature and that's a whole other issue as you werent standing there at the time telling him to stop. I would apologize and say you know he wanted to share something with you and you'e glad he did but it was a bad time so can you sit down and figure out a way to handle it better next time?

Actually, you both overreacted. You should have just left the room when he started to share the story and he should have RESPECTED you in the first place. Sorry, Marie Chantal, your husband sounds like he cares more for himself than he does for you.

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That actually happens to me a lot.
My guy will start on something, sad or hapy it doesn't matter, but my mind is just not with it at the moment (usualy doing a million other things) and I just don't want to hear it. Thats when I tell him....Hey, my mind isn't here can you tell me the story later? It works for us.
I like to think of it as a kid who comes home excited from school to tell you something. And as soon as they run up to you and start talking you try to tell them not now. Some kids keep going, and some get all bummed and walk away.
So for me, I think you both over-reacted (not saying that in a mean way).

SInce you asked, I'm going to Monday morning quarterback. So easy in hindsight, right?
I think he should've stopped when you asked him to, but for some reason he thought you NEEDED to hear this. Whether it was for your safety as a warning or whatever. He may have felt his duty as daddy protector to let you know something like this could happen if you aren't vigil. All assumptions on my part, of course. But I don't think he wasn't respecting your boundaries as much as he felt your need to hear it outweighed your desire not to. Does that makes sense?
So he put it out there and you go upset. Then he walked away. A good practice when things start to get heated. That's where it could've ended. After a good nights sleep you could discuss it more calmly. I think the part where you followed him into the other room and "lit into him" was a misstep. His attempt to walk away was met with your desire to fight it out. So, titans clashed and are still clashing. I'm not judging, I would probably have done the same thing! But just to look at things objectively, I would say you bulldogged him into a fight just like he bulldogged you into hearing something you didn't want to. Neither of you had any understanding for the others feelings. Calm down, take a breath, ask him WHY he needed you to hear that story? Was it something that hit home for him or was he just in the mood to be antagonistic. If he has a real reason why he bulldozed over you, then apologize for overreacting. If not, chalk it up to a man being bullheaded and apologize for going postal and kiss and make up.

Well it seems he just likes to irk you and it is a game to him.

have you tried marriage counseling?

Next time, why don't you do the same thing to him?
Sure, maybe its childish, but then he will see how childish he is, when you rupture his privacy and wishes.

And maybe, when you tell him not to do something or tell you something, you have to actually tell him and use the words "IT IS PRIVATE." Or, "I don't want to hear your story because I am not in the mood to hear something sad."
Your Husband, obviously cannot read between the lines, so you have to tell him, in blatant words.

And just ask him "WHY DO YOU hurt my feelings, on purpose, after I tell you my wishes?"
Then look at him, and don't say anything until he comes up with an answer. And tell him "I want an answer...."

As you said, this has been going on for TEN years.
And he continues, to diss you.

This sounds just a little bit like me and my husband. He just told me an awful story a few weeks ago that I said I didn't want to hear. He just kept going and I still can't get the image out of my mind. Guys just don't get that we feel things differently, he thought I was being rude but I really just didn't need ANOTHER awful news story in my head that day.
As for the snoring, that is completely different. He is not being loyal to you. He purposely went against your wishes and mocked you to others all just for a laugh, at your expense. I think you were sensitive about his not repsecting you and so the Story incident seemed more important than it should have been. You need to talk to him about loyalty and always standing up for you in front of others. It sounds like he may be a little immature and not realize how this is making you feel.

I don't think you really overreacted at all I think you guys have communication issues.. This reminds me of a situation I had with my husband when we first started dating.. I had a REALLY bad day at work and I he called to invite me over to his place I was talking about how I couldn't wait to see him that I'd had a HORRIBLE AWFUL day, I wasn't really complaining about my day as much as just explaining and he said "My day wasn't great so if you're going to bring that over here I'd rather you not come" my jaw dropped, I was PISSED. I responded with "Do me a favor if you want to keep seeing me and don't ever tell me anything like that again" we both got pissed off at each other and it was ridiculous.. It turned out we just didn't communicate the same way, so explain to your husband that if you tell him you don't want to hear a sad story at the end of the day and you TELL him to stop that you don't want to hear it then you expect him to be a decent person and respect your boundaries. Yes, he has boundary issues but you may have to adjust the way you express yourself next time (marriage is all about compromise after all) so that he fully understands what it is you're trying to say.. and if it happens again after you talk to him about it then he's just thick. And why would he even care if you didn't want to hear this horrible story? It just seems weird that he chose that to go all out on you know?

"Well of course we got into a screaming match?" Really? And still arguing about it this morning? How old are the both of you, 3?

Yeah, definitely something wrong here that has nothing to do with that article. You need to ask yourself some tough questions like, "Why do I think it's ok for him to treat me with disrespect" and "Why do I feed this behavior?"

Good luck.

You had a bad day and it was just the final straw. You both should take time to listen to the other person but still, it's hard when you are trying to have your unwind time.

Set an appointment with him when you are both rested and can talk about the deeper issues. My boundaries are very different than my hubby's. He would never share secrets with his BFF like a woman would...they just aren't programmed that way.

I would take the opportunity to "share" something he finds embarrassing next time the work buddies come over. He may only learn by example.

Wow, think about it you had a fight that bad over him reading a newspaper article to you when you asked him not to......seems like there must be more to this than what your telling us.

When I'm not in the mood to deal with something that seems important to my husband (or anybody else, for that matter), I just say something like, "I hear that you'd like to talk that over, but this is really not a good time for me. How about (name a time)? I'll be able to give you more of my attention then."

I usually have to do this while I'm fixing dinner and everything is just coming together in the last 5 minutes. That seems to be when my DH thinks of something he needs to tell me about. I just ask him to hold it until the meal (or in the case of a difficult discussion, right after dinner). Works like a charm – he doesn't feel shut out, and I get the time I need.

No offense, but I think you were both being a bit ridiculous.
It sounds like neither of you know when to quit.
You're still fighting over a news story even today.

It sounds to me like you're in a pattern.
He does things you don't want him to do and then you light into him. And drag it out.
You both probably have unresolved resentments.
Part of the problem could be that you have at least 10 years worth of these patterns and they're not going to change over night.
Sometimes, you have to let things slide.
Seriously.
Your husband thought you were overreacting. He could have let that slide.
You were sick of him not listening to you or respecting your boundaries.
You could have let it slide when he huffed off and said he just wouldn't share things with you anymore.
What would have been wrong with stepping away from each other, taking a time out, and letting things cool down as opposed to dragging it on and on?

There is an art to talking about things when you've cooled down.
It's not about who is right and who is wrong.
That just continues the argument if someone has to "win".
It's okay not to be in sync at the exact same moment.

I might be in the minority, but as for the snoring....I wouldn't have freaked.
I snore. Now, I downright deny it because it isn't exactly dainty or anything, but I know for a fact that I do. Denying it is kind of a family joke.

My son recorded me snoring with his phone and took it to school and shared it with his friends.
Great.
Was I mad? NO.
I didn't know about it until after the fact and I did try to deny that it was even me....but I knew better.
14 year olds were laughing about my son recording me snoring.
Big deal.
They've heard it in person during a million sleepovers at my house since they were in kindergarten.
I'm lucky they didn't put it on youtube.
Okay....I would have killed him for that.
But.....

I think you both need to learn how to communicate better.
He wanted to share something.
You didn't want to listen.
He didn't want to listen to you not wanting to listen.
So...apparently a bunch of fighting and yelling ensued.
You STILL didn't listen to each other.

It doesn't have to be either/or all the time.
Compromise can take a lot of work.
Not everything that seems disrespectful is a deliberate means of betrayal.

I have mentioned this before and I learned it in therapy with my husband.
It's a listening excercise.
Each person gets 5 minutes of completely uninterrupted time to speak.
The other person cannot interject or argue.
At the end of the 5 minutes, the "listening" person repeats what they heard the other person say. Not COMMENT, but repeat.
Then, it's the other person's turn to speak, uninterrupted.
It's not as easy as it sounds, but it can be very validating and build an awareness as to how much or how little you actually listen to each other.

Give it a try.
The other rule is that you can't fight about what was said during each other's time. It's not about that. It's about expressing and being heard.
It's about LISTENING.

Just my opinion.

(*Dang, Riley. Really? Ewwwww.)

Maybe he wanted to share it with you so that he could feel sad and have you there to share his feelings?

Should he have respected your desire not to hear it - sure. But did you say, hey, can we read it in like an hour? Then I can really listen to what you are reading and we can talk about it?

Not to say that you are like this, but...

I have a friend who really can be annoying about her feelings about everything. Don't crack your knuckles around her or she will scream at you - uggg, I hate that, stop stop. It's all about her at every moment. Nannies leave her within 2 weeks. Husbands leave her too.

So my point is, sometimes, it's just not about you. And sometimes it's about compromises.