Deployment Help?

Hi Marci,

First of all, God bless your husband and God bless you and your kids. Spouses and families are the unsung heros of the military. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and he has been deployed 4 times and TDY so many times I can't begin to count. When our military members serve, their families serve right along with them. So my heart and prayers go out to you and your kids and I will pray for your husband's safety.

Every deployment is different for every kid. The things you mentioned are often what we do but sometimes we have to think outside the box. I have found some links for you and I am putting them on here for you. One is to a message board for military wives that copes strictly with managing the deployment with and for your kids. I bet you'll find a mom on there who has been through just what you are going through and will have brilliant ideas. One is to military one source that gives information about counseling available to you. They even have phone consultations. I am also posting theweb address to big brothers big sisters. I would definitely give them a call and see what they can offer your kids so that you have a more consistent involvement with your kids by someone who can mentor them.

http://www.militarysos.com/forum/kids-coping-deployment/

http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/About/CounselingServ...

http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16...

If you just need to talk you can always message me. It's hard, so hard, to balance not just your life but everyone else's when a parent is deployed. I hope these are helpful.

L.

update - you are also about an hour away from Mountain Home AFB in Idaho and it might be worth a call to the Family Readiness Center to see if you can receive services there.

Do a paper chain. For each day daddy is gone you write the date and something that the kids did that day on a strip of paper and add to it every day and hang it up around the house. It will be part of the welcome home deco and it will give daddy something special to read during his down time when he comes home.

Everything you are saying the kids are doing is normal behavior for them. You need to let them express themselves no matter what-mad, sad, happy at you, at daddy at the world!! You need to give them the tools and words to express themselves and that it's ok to feel that way too.

Go to www.militaryonesource.com. They are a free service for military and full of great information from free H and R block tax filing, dealing with deployments and weight loss.

Good luck
S.
USMC Wife

We always had a box on the table that we were filling with stuff. Pictures, hand prints, rocks they liked, it really didn't matter what it was. Dad liked it, and it was something to do on a kid level to feel attached. Make that a focus, when they are thinking about what they can actually do to be connected to Dad, it is helpful.

A year is a long time, and they can't really even process time well yet anyway. Here is what I did when I had little ones trying to deal with it. I purchased a small American flag for each week Dad was supposed to be gone. We found a tree in our yard (in the back is best, you don't want to draw attention to your husband's absence) and we planted a Daddy garden. We put a yellow ribbon around the tree. Every sunday, one of my kids got to pull out a flag, and we put it into a Navy coffee mug on the mantle by his picture. They got to see the flags slowly be fewer and fewer in the yard, and more and more in the house. It made the time more tangeble to them. We would talk about Daddy when we pulled the flags, and it made Sunday afternoons special. We might go to lunch someplace Daddy liked, or put on the three stooges on TV and talk about how much Daddy would laugh (his fave) just something that made sense to them that was like there Dad. We had an excuse to have milkshakes, because Dad likes then, and so on. Sunday became our time to let it all out, and if Dad could call on Sunday, all the better. I think that the kids kind of got it out of their system for the week to come.

Don't feel guilty about being spread thin, it will pass, and the behavior is typical for deployment. We are reserves, so we don't have a community close by either, but what I did, is I carried a list of things I needed done, that I could not do myself. Like, relace a cracked pane of glass, un clog a slow drain, put in a new disposal, baby sit for a hair appointment, and when ever anybody said "if there is ever anything I can do to help..." I pulled out my list and got something checked off. Usually, people really mean it when they say this to a service person's family, and they like to feel like they have done something because of thier gratetude for your families service and sacrifice, and you won't ask when the items come up, but if you get them when they say it, they will come through and your life will be easier. Put, take my kids to the park for some good play time and undivided attention on your list, and that will help you out too. Count it up, how many times have you heard that? It really is huge.

M.

You do what you can to survive. A year is long. We were done at 9 months and I still had 4 to get through. It's tough.

Get involved in activities. Make a routine for you and the kids.
DON'T bemoan the fact that daddy is gone. Just say he comes home after Suzie's 5th birthday or something like that.
I was able to say after our second Valentine's Day. They knew that Valentine's Day was in February. But I would name the holidays and birthdays that came before it. So I would say after Christmas and Philip's next birthday then after Valentine's Day.

Have the kids give daddy a big group HI from across the room and let them be to do what they are doing. My kids didn't even talk to daddy when he called unless they had something they wanted to tell him or they answered the phone.

Relax your standards, eat pancakes for dinner and cake for breakfast.
Let them, or one of them at a time, sleep with you. Mine was 5 the first Iraq deployment and slept with me every night.

We did our countdown 100 days before. We made up a song, 100 days of deployment left over to the tune of 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. We sang that at dinner. But we sang it just unitl that days chain piece we were tearing off.

Find restaurants that have kids eat free nights and go once a month or so. It breaks up the monotony of the days.

Do you get along with his mom and dad? I went to his moms; and to my mom's. We are over 1000 miles away but it also broke up the deployment.

Hire a babysitter for Saturday afternoon and go shopping. Have one of your other deployment moms take them Chirstmas shopping and you take her kids out.

I just reread your post. It is OK to be angry. If the kids are in school, take an exercise class or go for a good long walk. And if mom is belittling you just telll her you have to go the kids need you and hang up. My mom is very antimilitary. For my sanity I have to cut our conversations short quite a bit.

And you will get through this. You will be stronger for it too. Believe in yourself.
You can be Santa, if hubby makes a stocking for you then put dog bones and toys in a stocking that you open. Or cat toys, guniea pig toys, whatever animal you have. Or if you need hand cream put some of that in. My 9 yo still thinks that Santa brought me a stocking for both Christmases hubby was gone.
Birthday parties are hard too. I didn't have any while he was deployed at the time I had four at home.
You'll make it.

I am not a military mom. I can only imagine what you are going through. The only reason I write is my mother-in-law was a military mom of three and I asked her what she did to get by, as her family was in Germany so not much of a family support system available. She said she had to find an other soldier's wife (with kids) that was deployed at the same time since they are the only ones who will ever understand what you are going through. I think this would be the same for your children. I don't know but I am sure there is a play group somewhere or you could start one that would allow you and your children to be around others who understand the sacrafice you and your family are making for this country.

I am a military wife, my husband is retired after 30 years in the Army and our Son is getting ready to head to Afghanistan in January for his 4th war zone tour. A lot of the things that you say non-military wives have suggested are the very same things that I would suggest. Skype is such a wonderful gift to the entire world!!! I used it so often when our youngest daughter was teaching overseas and we will certainly be using it when our son heads back to Afghanistan. That being said...young children react to things differently than we adults do...so maybe for your children Skype is not the blessing that it has been for our family. I wonder if you could just talk to your husband on Skype and not try to make the children be the center of the interaction? Let them be in the room, so he can see them, but don't force them to come over and talk with him on the screen...maybe they would become interested in it on their own after a while and just do it naturally? It is really very natural for them to be reacting by hiding from him or making faces at him...they don't understand why they see Daddy in that computer....lol.
Could they get involved in projects that have them doing something or making something to mail to their Daddy? Could they help you bake cookies ( even the youngest child can help with measuring and stirring...packaging) to mail to him? Does he have some favorite foods that he can't get where ever he is stationed that you could take them to the store on a shopping adventure and stock up on for him? Even something as simple as picking out which flavor of pre-sweetened kool aid to send him ( My son always asks for that to make the treated water more palatable) could be fun for them. Maybe you could take some pictures of them in everyday activities and then have them dictate a "story" to you, to go with the pictures and help them produce a "book" to send to their Dad.
I think the best thing you can do for them right now is to take care of YOU!!! I sense a lot of ( very understandable) tension and anger in your letter. Do you have some good friends with children the same ages that you could arrange to do child care swaps with? That way you could have a few hours to yourself every week to go and do what YOU want to do...recharge your batteries and come home with a fresh new energy. As you know, our children are like little sponges...they soak up our attitudes, our fears, our anxieties...if you can do something to change your outlook and make yourself feel more positive and ready to look at life as a great adventure...then they will start to feel that way too. I am not trying to tell you that you don't have a right to feel alone and frustrated and overwhelmed...you DO!!! It is hard being a military spouse while the military member is away doing their job...I remember it so very well. You say your husband is a member of a National Guard Unit...then there are other men and women in the very same situation that you are in...you just need to figure out how to connect with them. My husband served his last 17 years as a full time National Guardsman and I can tell you that there SHOULD be an organization in place to help give support and encouragement to the family members who have been left at home during the units' deployment. Call your National Guard State Headquarters and just tell them who you are and who your husband is stationed with and ask them for some names and telephone numbers or email addresses of the people who can be of the most help to you!! There used to be an organization called Army Community Support, I am sure that the name has changed since I was involved with it, but there has to be something similar to it now. If it weren't 3:00 in the morning and if my husband weren't sound asleep upstairs I would ask him for more detailed information on it. If you would like to, message me and I will talk with him tomorrow and find out exactly who you need to talk to....he will know the names of the offices that can be of assistance to you.
Is there a Big Brothers and Big Sisters organization in your area? Maybe you could look into that and see if there isn't someone who would interact with your children on a regular basis and give them that male presence in their life that they are craving right now. Do you have a church family? If so, I bet that there are men and women in your church who would love to "adopt" your children and build a relationship with them to help fill the void until Daddy comes home.
Again, I don't know how old your children are, but a lot of the fighting and acting out is probably something that would be happening even if your husband were not stationed away from home. Of course it would be easier to deal with if you had him there to help you step in and take care of things part of the time....but at least you can comfort yourself with the fact the a lot of the behavior is "normal" and really not related to Daddy being gone.
Be proud of the job that your husband is doing...less than 2% of the citizens of our country are committed enough and brave enough to join the military community and fight to keep our country safe and free!!! Please thank your husband for me for his service to our country...and please accept my thanks to YOU too...being a Military Wife/Mother is a very tough job!!!
If you ever just need to vent to someone...or just need someone who understands, to talk to...please feel free to message me...I would love to be your shoulder to cry on!!!
God Bless you Marci...and God Bless your Husband.
R. Ann

I noticed that one of the feelings you didn't mention was anger. Too often as women we don't recognize anger or understand what to do with anger. For example, depression is a by-product of supressed anger. We may think we are just sad, lazy, unmotivated, etc. when what is really going on is that we are angry.

You and your children need permission to feel the anger you have. It is not disrespectful or unsupportive or unloving. Anger is a natural, emotional reaction that, once felt, will move through. The best approach to anger is allowing yourself/your children, to feel it and express it in appropriate ways.

I have old phone books that the kids and I shred to release anger. For years, while I was working on a resevoir of repressed anger, I had large sketch books that I would poor my anger into. You do not mention the ages of your children so there would need to be a way for you to choose appropriate outlets for them. They are clearly acting out already.

As some of the moms have expressed, these are normal and typical reactions for children who have a parent that is gone often. One important factor is to accept that this is part of the process, instead of always wishing and wanting it to be different. As long as you sit in "This should be different", you will feel powerless. As soon as you move into, "This is what is, it sucks, but it is what it is"; you can then start to find resources to support you in dealing with what is. You move from stuck and frustrated to feeling feelings and having choices about how to deal with the situation at hand.

As many others have referenced, it is vital for you to resource yourself. To reach out and find ways to support yourself and your children so that you are not "spread thin". Self-care is extremely important in times like these because you cannot give from the empty cup. I have adopted the idea that I will no longer give from my cup -- I will give from the overflow. Not always easy to achieve, but understanding this concept has really allowed me to be a better mother to my children.

I'm not a military mom -- I grew up as a military kid. So I know where your kids are coming from. It SUCKS!!! to have dad gone. Add to that you are reserves -- so this isn't a normal part of life and expectations and you don't have the same kind of support system around from living on base/being full-time military and I can totally understand that you are spread thin.
Even then -- there should have been some sort of briefing for families that covered the resources available to you while he was gone. Have you looked at any of that? My dad was career military, so my mom had all the full-time military support resources -- wives' clubs, on-base living, etc.
For me, as a kid, it was hard to have no access to dad at all. Letters (this was pre-internet) and tapes were all we had. But family was important to my dad, so he recorded bedtime stories on tape and sent them to us. That way he could still "read" to us each night and feel like an active part of the family while he was gone.
Every family will be different, but it is important that you keep the relationship with dad alive. A year is a long, long time, for young ones, it feels like a lifetime. Good luck to you and your kids. I appreciate your sacrifice for our country.

So I don't know how old your kids are, my oldest are three and a half and though my husband has already been gone 6 months this year he has not been gone longer than 2 months at a time that they can remember (however, he will deploy soon). However, my best friends are military wives of course and I have been thier shoulder when they were dealing with the same thing.

Here's what I have gathered, and had to use on some shorter deployments:

I would not start the countdown calendar until the last three months or so, almost a year is too long and too overwhelming.

Sadly we won't have skype or even really phone calls when my husband is deployed as Naval Ships aren't often equiped for it. I don't know if your husband is somewhere that he can wear civilian clothes on his off time, but I would ask him to try to always be in uniform on skype, videos etc. It assures that your children know that he is working, not out having fun.

Keep to a schedule and try to always have something to look forward to every month, a visit to or from a friend, a special outing etc.

There comes a time when you have to sit down with your kids - probably each individually and just explain that this is the way life is right now, and that it won't always be that way. You need to tell them that you know that its hard to have Daddy away and that you know that they hate it. Be honest, tell them that you hate it, that Daddy hates it, but that it is the way life is. You need to tell them "Its ok for them to be sad and its ok for them to be angry, but they are responsible for how they act. If they choose to miss out on the fun things because they are angry then they are the ones who are missing out." Its very important to acknowledge thier feelings and to not force them to skype etc, I would just tell them how much fun it is for me and share my excitement. You need to tell them over and over again that Daddy loves them and that you guys have each other while he is gone and that you are there for them. I would always let them know that because Daddy can't be here he still wants to read to them, the videos are available when they are ready. Let them know that they can and should tell you how they feel about it and you need to keep explaining that Daddy is gone to protect not just our country, but to protect you and them. I also remind my kids that this is what pays for the house we live in and the food we eat, that Daddy loves us all very much but that he has to go so that he can give us these things.

I am a new military mom - My husband joined the Army this year and is currently doing his training. He has only been gone 4 months with 2 more to go - I can't imagine him gone a whole year but I know that deployment is probably in our future. I currently have 2 little boys, with another little boy due to arrive about the same time Daddy comes home. I feel like my boys are out of control and I know it is just their way of dealing with Daddy being gone but it is hard to deal with the behavior issues on a daily basis. They don't like to talk to him on the phone either - I think I have managed to get them to talk to him once each since he left...they always seem sadder after the phone calls. I understand the feelings of being spread thin...I am tired all the time and I feel like I don't give the boys all of the attention I need but I also know that it is important to take time for myself everyday. You just have to remember that you are doing the best you can - even when it doesn't feel like it! I know that I don't have any real advice but I want you to also know that you are not alone out there. I also live in Nampa - feel free to send me a private message if you would like to meet up sometime and let the kids play, as I found a change of pace from the daily routine helps a lot.

I am new military wife and haven't had this problem yet. My husband and I married in 2009 and he deployed that may to Afghanistan. I used Skype sometimes or more often I used AIM. I was pregnant after he went back from R&R and fortunately for us he didn't have to stay the year, they reduced Afghanistan by 20% that year and my husband was picked to come home after 5 months of being there. We were happy that he would be home for the birth of our son but mad because we lost all the non taxed money we were getting from his paychecks. I am sure in the future my husband will deploy when our kids are a little older. My son is 7 months and I currently pregnant with the second. We are stationed in South Korea right now and will be for the next 3 years.
If I had to give any advice I would just say let them become interested on their own. If they ask about daddy and when he's coming home maybe you can tell them age appropriately that he won't be home for a while. Sine I have no experience with this I am no good lol. I really just wanted to wish you the best of luck and if you need anything not hesitate to contact me. My email is ____@____.com (I've had the email since I was in high school lol)

good luck. :)

PM me! I am in the same boat...with 2 young kids at the beginning of a deployment...NG also. Have you found out about Our Military Kids, Inc.? They offer a program that gives a grant for an activity for each kid over 3 years old. My DD is doing gymnastics with it. I sometimes tell her that her classes are a "present" from Daddy's work since they know she misses him, but they need him right now for important work. (My DS is only 11 months, so he's clueless). DD also doesn't seem to want to talk to Dh sometimes and I know it hurts his feelings...but I think at times it upsets her. I have a few good books. We also videotaped Dh reading their favorite books out loud so when they miss him, they can hear and see him read a book to them. Haven't used that yet (he's only been gone a couple weeks).
See if there is an FRGs for his unit...even if you're not geographically close, it helps to talk to others in the same boat. Hope to hear from you soon!
Hang in there...