Dealing with Divorce & Kids....

Don't go back to him just for the kids. They will adjust. They will see a happier, free-er mom, that might even find a healthy relationship or be happy on her own. Yes, there will be "some" get togethers where you need to be civil, but you can each have separate birthday parties, and even holidays, but the big things will have to be together - school plays, graduations, etc. As long as you don't talk bad about their father, they will respect you for that, and hopefully when they are older and able to, they will understand that this was for the best. Good luck.

As a child of divorce and having friends who came out of divorce situations so much is variable as to how the parents handle the situation and how involved they staty. BUT kids are very resiliant - and they will do fine. Here are my suggestions based on what I lived through and what I've seen (I'm 51)
1 - Kids have figured out more about the situation that you think. You may assume that they know nothing - but trust me - they have a clue. They've heard conversations in hushed tones, quiet fighting when you thought they were asleep, etc. Have a talk with your kids - keep it bery brief and on a need-to-know basis only. Tell them something like, "all people have problems in some part of their life, your dad and I have our own issues and there's been some painful things that have happened. We're going to see how things go. While there's a chance that we might get back together there's a chance that we won't. But the bottom line is tha we both love you all tremendously and we are going to try our hardest to make sure that we put you first in any decisions that we need to make."

2 - Remind your kids that they are loved and that the break up has NOTHING to do with them. Kids need to be reminded constantly of things - being told something once doesn't do it. So when you think they need to hear it say something like "you know, adults make mistakes, but there's never been anything about you that was ever a mistake - I love you dearly". I remember asking my mom if she could go back in time would she choose not to marry my father (an alcoholic and when he cleaned up at AA became a philanderer who left us for another woman) her answer showed so much love - she said "no becuase then I wouldn't have had my children - if I had married someone else you wouldn't be who you are - and I love YOU."
3 - Involved parents make for stability with kids. Kids need security and they need boundaries. They need to know someone loves them and requires that they stay inside "the circle of protection". We've told our kids since they were little that when they disobey we can't protect them - which is why we set boundaries and limits. As long as dad is still involved and mom is still involved you can both keep the "city walls" up and safe - they know that both parents are going to continue to help them stay safe.
4 - Never ever tell them when they're being rebellious or spiteful (not sure if they're teens - but it's coming - watch for it...) that they can just go and live with their dad. The message they hear is "I only love you when you're easy to get along with - when you're difficult I don't love you". Of course, that's not what you're saying - but that's what they hear. They need to know that there's unconditional love - even in their miserable teenage moments. My child's friend is going through stuff like this now - when the mom says stuff in frustration that's just devastating to him. Teenagers are so tender - even when they seem to be so h*** o* the outside.
5 - Never let the kids get in the middle -e ven when you can't stand the thought ofhaving to talk to your ex one more time about holiday arrangements, etc - you make the call - don't have your kdis be the messenger.

Finally - just love them, show some grace when they do boneheaded things. Don't tell them that they got that personality trait "from their father" - even when you really really want to! Pray that God's grace covers your mistakes pray for discernment on how to handle difficult situations. I truly believe that God cares about the tiny details of our lives and that if we're following him that all things do work together for good in the end. We go through tough stuff in our life so that one day our expereiences can help others - and make us the people we become. Your kids will come through this beautifully - they will be closer to eachother and closer to you. Expect that they will even show "protective" instincts towards you. Let them. Just keep telling them how proud you are of them. You'll do fine mama - and always give yourself some slack - you are probably handling it all better than you realize!

I agree with Lee and Theresa. It sounds like the control hasn't ended. Please be aware of that. This has the potential to become dangerous when his apple cart is upset--finally.
My father was an abusive alcoholic and I felt pure RELIEF when he finally moved out. Your kids are picking up on everything that is going on even if they are not old enough or articulate enough to express it yet.
Best of luck to you! Find YOUR voice.

Hi GS, I usually don't jump directly into the therapy push, but your last sentence speaks volumes.

1) You are STILL allowing him to CONTROL you. And
2) You are taking responsibility (blame fault) for whatever HE did, if you WEREN'T why on earth would you not be abe to tell us or 'people' you mention in your post?

Please get you and your girls some help with this. You need to STOP protecting your husband.

I speak somewhat from experience by virtue of living a near secret life with an abusive mentally ill alcoholic for years, you sound JUST like I did when I finally left, It's been a long enlightening road.

Fond Thoughts
:)

Does he have the right to tell you not to say WHY this is happening? It doesn't sound to me like he does. And if purging yourself of that information would help you work through this, or at least help other people to understand why this is happening, it will at least get them off your back.

Just a thought.

I agree with the first poster except you don't want it to get back to the kids.
I am surprised how often parents will talk in front of kids knowing one kid might go and tell the entire class what was said. It is hard enough without that.
YOUR kids need answers. Specifically they need to understand if the divorce is really going to happen, where everyone will live, how often they see everyone, what school they will attend, and such. It is about them and they need reassurance about you both loving them and that love will never end.

Have you both been to marriage counseling to sort out these issues? There are a few issues that are "dealbreakers" in my mind, but a lot of people bail out too early and then end up with a ton of other problems that were worse than the maritial issues. Your kids deserve to have you both go to counseling and work with a third party. If at that point, you decide to end the marriage, then you have explored the options. How will this affect your kids? Just read all these posts of divorced moms struggling to make ends meet and trying to divy up the holidays and dealing with ex-inlaws and visitation schedules. However, there are some situations when a divorce is in the best interest of the whole family. Good luck to you on your situation.

I'm sure the kids already know things have changed. Sounds more like the ex is doing what he can to continue to "control" you..... through the kids, be careful with that.
The kids will survive as all of us who were products of divorce do. Just love them and create a new normal, answer their questions appropriately for their age. Do your best not to fight with the ex in front of them and don't talk bad about him because he is their dad and that always hurts.
I would quit doing the "together" things with him... can't see the purpose in that really... but if it's working for you then you probably know what you are doing. ( I only say this because you are freshly split up and you dont want him to continue to control you..... some space might be necessary and then you can invite him to do some family things now and then later if you choose to and can tolerate being around him without the kids seeing anything stressy)
It does get easier, and everything will be okay.

I think you need to be more honest to yourself. He's still controlling the situation by telling you not to tell anyone; why do you think that is? He doesn't want to expose who he truly is and get the help he needs. He wants to blame you, if he loses control he loses who he is. Not that you need to tell everyone your business or justify to anyone, but maybe some of your close family so they can support YOU!
I sure hope you go to some sort of counseling and see how he's still using his control over you, that's why you feel guilty. For 10+ years he's robbed you of yourself, why wouldn't you feel guilty for letting the marriage fall apart, that's how controlling he's been to you. I'm praying for you to get your self, to find peace.
God Bless YOU!!!

It's not clear how old your kids are, but I think you need to get them into therapy. It sounds like your ex has some problems, and the kids need to know from the start that those problems weren't yours to fix, nor are they theirs to fix. The obsessing calling and texting can become problematic quickly, and they need to figure out how they're going to piece it together without feeling like they're choosing you over dad (not that you're doing anything to make them feel like that, but kids often see the world in black and white).

I wouldn't worry about them dealing with the new "lifestyle" - just take it day to day. My guess is that, at least in the long run, they will be happy that you were able to get out of that relationship and lead a healthy life.

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They will adjust. You're going about it the best way you can. If they're still a part of both of your lives... That is wonderful. My ex and I are still both very involved in our daughters life and she is doing great. We don't even talk unless it's about her... But we keep open communication when it comes to her. We have to. As long as you do that, your kids will do better than you expect them to.

Like you, the marriage with my ex could NOT go on for various reasons. If you need to talk, don't hesitate to PM me. I dealt with a LOT but pulled through like a champ. A divorce with kids CAN be worked out well as long as both parties are in agreement that the kids always come first!

every parent has their reason for divorce, whether fighting unacceptably in front of the kids, infedeltiy, what ever the reason, parents have the right to decide whats best for the kids inculding divorce. as you and your ex have decided to do. Be thankful he's still seeing them every day, my daughter would LOVE to have that, I would've loved that growing up. not every dad/child/parent gets that opportunity, my dad wasn't there at all growing up, went through countless counseling (still struggle with the memories of a fatherless childhood-fixing to celebrate my FIRST thanksgiving with DAD'S side this year and i'm 27). it's new for him just like it's new for your kids and even you. still have no memories a Christmas morning with my dad and probably never will partially because i'm grown now :( so be thankful for that part for your kids

for what ever the reason for the divorce be thankful he's keeping an active role with the kids they still need that, over time he and the kids will adjust to it and it may eventually fade it may not, but through your kids your are still tied together