Conflicted and Confused. NEED Advice.

Hm, I find it interesting that you mentioned he doesn't have a job. Is this part of the reason why you dont love him anymore? Is it possible you still love him but you don't respect him anymore and/or you feel taken advantage of b/c you're the one bringing home the bacon? Does he just sit around at home all day not even trying? There's a lot of questions i had reading your post! If your marriage can be saved at all, save it. Go to counseling. Have an honest talk with your husband about what's missing, what he needs to fix, what you may need to fix, etc. Marriage is a serious commitment and you have your daughters to think of. That being said, he has to be a willing partner in fixing your marriage or it won't work. So 1st step, go talk to him and figure out where your paths are headed. Good luck,

My pastor has always said that the simplest marriage counseling he has ever done is when the parties say "I don't love her/him anymore". Why? Because love is an action word.. not an emotion. If you want to love him again, and save your marriage, then DO loving acts for him.

You didn't say whether or not he has EVER held a job or if this is something more recent that has happened...but maybe that has something to do with all of your lack of emotions towards him. If you do the loving acts, the loving emotions will follow, providing all else is working okay.
I suggest some counseling for you both. He may be having "manly" esteem issues about not having a job and providing for his family that might be affecting his behavior towards you as well.

Good luck and remember your vows... I assume they included "for better or worse"....

Would he be at all open to some marriage counseling? Maybe if the lines of communication opened up, you guys could find your way back and it would set a good example for your daughters--At least they would know that you guys tried. Trying in silence is only going to make you resent your husband more, and build that wall a little higher. I have been married for 7 years this June and I can honestly say that there were times that I didn't love him. I love him very, very much now but there are ups and down and obstacles, Marriage isn't easy--I don't have to tell you that, obviously you know this already. I think its important to get a little outside help dealing with the problems, get a different perspective and try to see each other from the opposite point of view and maybe you all can work it out and those loving feelings will come rushing back. I hope everything works out for you and your family! Keep us posted!

E. S.
Helping Moms Work from Home
http://www.keepingmyfamilyfirst.com

Stay. Show your girls what its like to face and fix your problems not run from them. Now if it was an abusive situation that would be different.

I was in a simular situation and almost left. Then my 6 year old wrote on my mothers day card 10 things he liked about me. Number 3 was that "You love my Dad". I knew I had to stay and work it out. I did and am so happy. The problems I thought I could never face and fix I did and we are now happier than ever! Try not to focus on fixing him and his job situation - try and work on whats inside you that bothers you about this.

Good Luck - You sound like a good mom, concerned about her family! Stay strong!

You didn't say why he doesn't hold a job.
I know I'm old fashioned, but to me its a man's "job" to support his family, economically and physically and emotionally.

You should ask him why he doesn't hold a job. I didn't like working and holding a job. I'd have rather had money enough to be independently wealthy so I wouldn't have had to work. So I worked hard to become independently wealthy. I never made it, but I tried hard.

If you love your kids and want them to grow up to be good fathers and mothers and wives and husbands you have to teach them to work for what they find worthwhile. Your husband is teaching them to be sponges or leeches and they will miss out on a very fulfilling life if they follow his example. Do you love your children to give them a good life and family in adulthood? Then they will have to have TWO parents that show them how.

I wanted to have a good life and good marriage and good family. When I was dating I looked for a lady (not for any female). I wanted some one to teach my kids the value of honesty, integrity, hard work, good speech and traditional family values. To get that I opened the door (car, house, business, threatre, etc.) for my wife. I gave her hugs and flowers and compliments regularly and flowers and gifts on holidays didn't count because they were expected. I made sure my kids saw how to treat a lady. 5 of the 8 spouces of my kids have come to me in private and thanked me for teaching my kids and making them good spouces.

If that's what you want you have to get your husband going. Explain to him he has to lead by example because you don't want your kids to grow up as bums. Take away the beer or tv or anything else that makes home more comfortable than work before coming home. When he gets a job make his home coming after work each day truly remarkable.

If he doesn't like to work for some one and wants to be his "own man" buy him a packet of seeds and tell him he can start a market garden. You live in Georgia. You have a very good growing climate for most of the year. I live in Southern California. Go to the local farmers market and find out what sells well. Go to "gormet" restaurants and find out what they buy. Grow it. The library has all kinds of books on gardening. Before WWII and before the government confiscated their farms for Norton AFB the Japanese in this area had plots of ground of about 2 to 5 acres. They lived in a small house, raised their families and farmed those acres. Was it easy? No. But they accomplished it and taught their children all the same. They had chickens for eggs, goats for milk, rabbits for meat and all the vegetables they could grow and sell.

If your husband was a child molester, would you tolerate it and him? Do you love your kids? Does your husband love your kids? Act like it. He needs to go to work and support his family (including you).

Good luck to you and yours.

I am confused. You say in your profile "A little about me:
A loving mother who would do anything for my children (Well, just about anything). I work hard and love unconditionally against all odds from now until forever." Am I guessing correctly that your unconditional love now excludes your husband?

If you are sure you cannot love him anymore, you will have to find an amicable way to divorce, help your daughters understand, risk alienating them as they love him and you will be the bad guy for quitting, and get on with your life. Easier said than done. But to live a lie for the sake of your daughters, who will eventually be old enough to understand, will be to choose a withering death of your soul and spirit. Living a lie cannot help anyone in the long run.

Updated

You decided, just not determined yet. I am speaking from this perspective.

It's not about you. It's about him and what he won't do: work. What he wants is to be supported. He is a "man" in his idea of what that means, yet he is not being a man or a parent or partner by holding up his responsibilities.

It will be tough, but your girls need protection from his role model and you need to create an environment where you can be sane, self-directing and fulfilled, and provide a proper role model for them.

It sounds as if his parents might be good grandparents after the divorce, and may help supervise a healthy relationship between him and the girls.

You cannot take any of this lightly, but staying in this relationship may hurt you and your chances to raise your girls by being a good role model. You cannot lead effectively unless you can follow your own good code.

This is a life-changing decision that will affect several people you love, including you.

Only you can answer your questions. My brother and his wife stayed in a loveless marraige for the children until they were 18. Now he is married to another woman but him and his ex are best friends and they spend more time together now then they did when they were married. Funny how things change. Now they say that they could have made the marriage work if they had stuck it out a little longer.

Alysse:

You need to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him. If the answer is without - then you need to make a road map for your life and how you are going to move on.

Do you not love him anymore because he's not pulling his weight or is there something else that is happening that has taken a priority over your marriage?

Marriage is a like a garden - it needs to be tended on a daily basis - if it is not tended, weeds grow. It is what you make it. It can flourish or it can get weed infested.

Communication is key. You MUST talk to your husband - tell him how you are feeling. It won't be easy. But you might be surprised at what you find out when you talk to him.

You should NEVER stay for the kids. You are setting an example for them for what marriage should be. I would prefer my kids see parents who love each other and respect each other - yes, we argue sometimes - but we always make up.

You can't walk away without resolving the issues. If you walk away - this situation will carry on in every other relationship you have - even with your daughters. You need to figure out why you don't love him anymore. If there is someone else involved - you really need to stop seeing the other person so you can resolve the issues in your marriage FIRST.

If you aren't involved with anyone else - seriously - write a list of why you are not happy in your marriage anymore and tell your husband flat out why you are not happy. It takes two to make a marriage work - so you need to make him work it too. Even if he isn't working - he has to contribute to the family is some way. If you don't tell him what is wrong on your end - it won't just magically be fixed if you walk away.

Updated

Alysse:

You need to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him. If the answer is without - then you need to make a road map for your life and how you are going to move on.

Do you not love him anymore because he's not pulling his weight or is there something else that is happening that has taken a priority over your marriage?

Marriage is a like a garden - it needs to be tended on a daily basis - if it is not tended, weeds grow. It is what you make it. It can flourish or it can get weed infested.

Communication is key. You MUST talk to your husband - tell him how you are feeling. It won't be easy. But you might be surprised at what you find out when you talk to him.

You should NEVER stay for the kids. You are setting an example for them for what marriage should be. I would prefer my kids see parents who love each other and respect each other - yes, we argue sometimes - but we always make up.

You can't walk away without resolving the issues. If you walk away - this situation will carry on in every other relationship you have - even with your daughters. You need to figure out why you don't love him anymore. If there is someone else involved - you really need to stop seeing the other person so you can resolve the issues in your marriage FIRST.

If you aren't involved with anyone else - seriously - write a list of why you are not happy in your marriage anymore and tell your husband flat out why you are not happy. It takes two to make a marriage work - so you need to make him work it too. Even if he isn't working - he has to contribute to the family is some way. If you don't tell him what is wrong on your end - it won't just magically be fixed if you walk away.

You don't say why you don't love him. Because he's lazy? Sounds like he might be a good dad. That's something to love. I would work on finding ways to bring the "love" back. Do you remember why you loved him in the first place?

The whole "love" thing is a bit overblown and overhyped anyway. We are conditioned to expect too much emotional satisfaction from our significant other. The only people in the world that I really love unconditionally are my kids (though I "like" or am very fond of just about everybody else.)

Your daughters will be devastated. Try to make it work.

After reading below: Oh my god, moms! Don't give her advice based on your experience of "abusive" males! That does not appear to be her situation!

EDIT: MOMS, PLEASE READ KATRINA'S POST, ABOVE!!!

Keep the faith, find an attorney, not knowing more, I would look into child support regs in your state. You most likely would get custody, the court may rule him to get a job to support his children; however, if he never worked and you have been in the marriage for twelve years - he may be able to get alimony from you. Think of your future, it seems obvious he doesn't support you.

i am sorry for your situation. my aunt stayed in an unhappy marriage for years "for the kids" and i can tell you that she did more harm than good. my uncle was not as good a father as it sounds your husband is but if you are unhappy and there is that environment in the house, your kids will feel it and live and breathe it daily. although it is a no win situation, in my opinion the better option is divorce. one, it allows you to be happy and although being a mom may be your first priority, you need to take care of yourself too and be happy in your life. only a happy person can be a happy mom and a good mom. two, an environment of animosity and discontent in the house will rub off on your girls. i grew up with parents that argued constantly and it was very h*** o* me. and three, you don't want your girls to grow up seeing as their example that you weren't happy but you toughed it out for the sake of the family. personal happiness is paramount to family happiness.

good luck to you, just follow your heart and it will lead you in the right direction.

Do you "not love him anymore" or are you just having some really, really tough times? Hmmmmm...have you/could you try counseling? Does he know how you feel? Is it possible for you both to work toward some written goals and set a game plan? Is it purely a financial thing? Sorry you're going through this.

Gosh sound just like me except I made the hard choice last Nov and kicked him out of the house.... I was fed up because I was the major provider for the household income and he wasnt looking hard for a job. He just stay home and watch tv or sleep. He use our only son as an excuse for him to stay home cuz we cant afford daycare and was living from paycheck to paycheck, I realize I was doing everything, working on the job abd then coming home and cook and clean the house while he do nothing at home except yard work. I realize I was enabling him to become that way and I didnt love him anymore cuz once your husband dont respect himself then why should you? The love you had went out with respect out of the window. Since then I have been more happy and getting my finance under control. Yes my child love his Dad but realized it was for the best..it wasn't easy..we did have some rough moments. It was worth it for my sake..also I am a Christian too so it was not an easy choice but if the man can not provide for the family and it is a man's duty to provide for and to take care of them then it is better to let him go. A friend once pointed out to me if a man cant not take care of himself then how can he take care of a wife and children? It wont be easy but for your sake.. it is better to let go of him cuz I live 7 years of unhappiness, it wasn't all bad but the sadness is still there so ask yourself this... do you want to stay in this marriage until you go crazy with sadness or depression and do something stupidl like overeating or drinking or second choice is to get out and get yourself to get better healthy wise,, body and mind,

First, I don't understand why you would want your girls to constantly be reminded that this is the way that a marriage needs to be carried out. Have you talked to your husband?? I have dealt with the worst bastard around who was my husband for a short time. He gave me a lot to think about. I am not sure that I would be able to deal with a husband who did not work. I would surely talk to him about this. Remember that it takes two to make any relationship. Hugs to you!! I hope whatever you decide goes well and works best for you.

As a child of divorced parents I am sooooo glad that my parents got divorced. Yes, it was kind of rough at the beginning, but once I got older and could understand what happened, I am soo blessed that they did. See my dad abused us and I didn't understand that it wasn't normal.
If your girls see a relationship where you settled then the chances of them settling could increase. When they are older and understand adult love they might wonder why you didn't divorce him or separate at the very least.
I'm not saying jump on the gun and divorce, but you could try some sort of counciling, or try to get that spark back, then decide to divorce. I am currently a single mom who had a chance to get married to my son's dad. I considered it, but then realized I would have been miserable. I wanted so badly to give my son a steady life or not going back and forth. But what kind of life is it to watch your mom suffer?
I hope you do whats best for you, and your children will adapt.

Does your husband take care of the kids and the home and just not bring in an income or does he expect you to bring in the income AND take care of the kids and home?

I am a SAHM by choice. I have a good friend that is a SAHD by choice. His wife works and brings home the bacon, but he is prime caregiver and manages the household like I do. Things work out fine for him and his wife. She has a great job, is a great mom, and he is a great dad who does a great job taking care of things at home. While not "traditional" in some senses of the word, my friends do believe that children need to have at least one parent at home and since she has a really good job with good benefits, they decided he would be that parent. He is NOT lazy. There is nothing about him that is lazy. They make do on one income by being frugal and doing things for themselves.

Perhaps your husband is really looking for permission to be that parent? It is hard when our society labels the mom as the caregiver and the dad as the income earner. When those expectations are put on you, but they do not fit what you really want, it can cause a lot of frustration and depression, and thus a lot of heartache for the rest of the family. Maybe one thing you and your husband might try is to honestly assess what roles you both want to fulfill in the relationship and in the family. Please note, I am speaking about what you want for yourselves, NOT what one wants from the other. This may take an objective third party to help, such as a marriage counselor. You may be surprised at the outcome!

Hope this helps.

Best wishes.

K.

I wish I could offer good advice, but I can't. Only observations in cases I've seen. Hopefully you can take something from them.
I grew up with a woman who has said that she and her husband do not love each other. But she loves her life in general, and so has no intention of getting divorced. Their marriage is simply one of convenience for both of them, but they are content with that. Their kids seem fine, but I've never asked them what they think.
My own mother in law married a man who cannot hold a job. She has been telling me all of my 11 year marriage to her son how irresponsible her husband is. Twice she has left him temporarily. She recently told my husband that his brother (son of this current husband) is starting to act meanly towards her and show a lack of responsibility like his father. She is finally giving divorce consideration, but she confided that she thinks her son is already "ruined." He's 15.
A friend in highschool's parents fought all the time. But thought it was better to stay married for the kids. When they finally divorced, their son who was 13 at the time, said it was a great relief. They got along much better not living together. Their relationship was able to remain friendly, and things were certainly more peaceful. Both of them have maintained a good relationship with their boys.
A couple who lived next to my parents separated, but didn't believe in divorce. After months apart, they started dating as if they'd never been married. After a year or so they moved in together again and renewed their vows.
My husbands parents divorced when he was 6. But they have maintained a friendship. He even paid for her to go to school so she could get a good job. When we visit either of them, the other has no problem coming over to see us. It's as if they have always just been friends.

Do all you can to stay with him and make it work.

Tell him you are not happy with how things are but love him and want to make things work again. If you are feeling it, I'm sure he is as well (although men can be a bit slow on these things lol). Before you talk to him have names of counselors available so you can show him you are serious about wanting counseling. I think all marriages go through this period and the difference between a different last name from your children and weekend visits and a 50 year anniversary gift is working together and being honest about who you are and what you want out of your relationship, seeing the good side of your partner again - the one you saw when you married him and being commited to making it work. If there was no such thing as divorce you could either live with it and be miserable or do whatever it takes to figure out what can be done to make it right again.

Life is too short to be miserable so take a positive look at it and see what you can do to bring the spice back to things. It is just not the same when the father lives separate from the kids, even if you get remarried its not the same- give it all you got and keep your family together.

If you are miserable, your girls will also be miserable. It won't take long for them to realize that you and your husband don't have a good relationship. Either way you choose will be difficult for them, but if you left him, they would adjust over time. Staying with him will teach them that you don't believe you deserve to be happy. My mom stayed with my dad (who was an abusive, alcoholic cheater, not at all what you described, but still very miserable) until I was 15 because she thought it would be best for us. Every one of us were miserable. The longer they were around each other, the more they hated each other. Graduations, weddings, things like that are now incredibly uncomfortable because they don't want to be around each other.
Please don't take that as me encouraging you to go file for divorce today. If you believe there may be a chance for your marriage, I highly recommend marriage counseling if that is an option you'd both consider. It really helped my husband and I when I thought that divorce was our only option. I think divorce should be a second to last option. The last option would be to stay for the wrong reason. No decision will be easy, but like I said, your girls will be able to adjust. Chances are at least half of their friends have divorced parents, so between you and your husband, as well as their friends, they will have plenty of support and people to talk to. I wish your family the best!

There is an incredible book that I believe will answer many of your questions. I have despretly searched for my own answers on many questions for my marriage and this was the most helpful book of all i read in 10 years of reading. BOUNDRIES IN MARRIAGE- By Henry Cloud. Its truely amazing! May God Bless you and restore your marriage from the inside out!
Penny- T. Florida

I firmly believe in staying married. There are many counselors that may be able to help your situation. What I advise is to atleast seek counseling because there must have been a reason you stayed with him as long as you have. I really can't help much more than that because I do not know what you have been through, only you do.

Hi Alysse,

In reading your question and some of the answers I am struck by something. Nowhere in your question did you suggest anything that would indicate that your daughters would be better off if you were to divorce. In fact, it seems as if the opposite is true. Children with two loving parents in an intact home, and you say that your husband is a good dad, are always better off then in a broken home.

Conventional wisdom says love is something you fall in an out of. The truth is that love is a choice you make every day. It has little to do with the object of your affection and all to do with the decision you make in your own skin. You decide to love. I love the comment by the woman who said if you want to feel love you should "do loving acts" everyday. That is very true and effective.

That being said, I understand how you are feeling. 5 years ago the only thing that was keeping me in my marriage was my two daughters. Now I am so glad I stayed because once my husband and I understood the true nature of love we have a stronger marriage then ever before. More committed, loving and connected than I could have dreamed possible.

I also understand how difficult it is to respect a man who will not work and respect is such a huge component to the way a woman views her husband. I would encourage you to talk with him and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you are feeling like ending the marriage if things do not change. I also like the idea of exploring the reasons why he has not worked for 10 years. Have you tried counseling? Christian counseling helped my husband and me tremendously.

Lastly, it is so unfortunate that you are reaching the end of your rope now given the current economy. It may be hard even if he decided to get a job for him to find one. Especially considering the 10 year gap in his resume. I truly wish you the best and I hope that you find a way to keep your marriage intact. Please know that you can love you husband again and the first step is choosing to do so.

Praying for you.

Remember , YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF. Staying with him for your children will only hurt them more. For 1 they can since your un-happiness ,children are very smart like this. No 2 what message is this sending to your girls. That it is o-kay to stay with someone who will not provide for them? I am sure he does not want people to know , he is ashamed of what he is doing. If he felt this behavior was o-kay he would be proud and everyone would know. My husband and I are in our late 50's. He is my 3rd marriage. We have been married for almost 28 years. My first two were like what you have ( none workers) I went with out ,lived in dumps, and had a hard life. I know that the man I am married to now would never let
hard times fall on us if it is in his control. We have a very beautiful home, we pay cash for all our vehicles. He takes us on wonderful fun filled trips and we have a secure retirement plan. He loves his family more than he loves himself and guess what , we love him. We have fun together and we work hard together. He is not a rich man , we just work hard together in bluecollar jobs. I promise you there is someone out there who will want to work with you to have a better life. Maybe that someone is just waiting for someone like you with 2 sweet daughters to love a take care of. The one you have is not going to , he has not in 10 years and you have let him get away with it. YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF

sounds like you have a very important decision to make. I know what its like not to love someone anymore. But since i was never married to these people i just walked away. i can imagine it being very hard to make a decision like this so all i can say is this, I should your daughters since the tension and dislike that you have for their father for the rest of their time living with you? Children sense more then what we give them credit for. I do think should some counseling first to see if it can work and really put your self into it. and if it doesn't then do what is best for YOU! I don't advise keeping him from his children because as long as he's not abusive and you know he will make good decision for them when he has them, it's not a good look keeping the kids hostage. I believe in marriage and have ssen it last til death do they part but i also believe in self preservation also and if your not happy in this marriage and you have tried everything( try everything first) then it's time to go. There may be someone else that will make you happy. I hope you come to a decision. and your in my prayers.

Hi Alysse,

Are you sure that staying with him would not be hurting your girls? My highest goal is to show my children that I love their daddy...even if I fall short sometimes. If you are miserable with him, and you don't love him, it may be time to go. I don't encourage divorce, but sometimes in situations, this is the only answer. But if you're at all unsure, I would seek therapy for both of you, probably individually, and then as a couple. I went through a divorce a long time ago, and one thing I really regret is that we did not go to a counselor. It kind of made me feel like what if.....You know what I mean? I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is not an easy situation to be in, and I wish you all the best.

K.

I do not know you so all I have are some questions for you to ask yourself. Is it he CAN'T keep a job or WON'T keep a job - there is a difference.
Do you resent him for not working? Is that what caused you to have negative feelings towards him?
I agree that you can "fall out of love" with a spouse - I did with my first husband. But now I know why. I never really loved him in the first place. I was in love with the "fantasy" of being married! I feel so stupid for saying that but I am 25 years older and wiser now so it is what it is.
My second husband was the love of my life and he left me to raise our 3 children by myself. No man is better than being yoked with a useless one in my opinion.
Try some therapy for yourself and see what you discover about yourself then decide what to do.
Good luck - we only come this way once - it is your Journey!!
M. F