Could This Be So?

Y., I think it's definately possible. I also think it's common to favor the youngest child for a variety of reasons. They have needed more of our attention, perhaps we know she will be the last baby, her personality may be different, because of her age she may be more cuddly, perhaps she's more easily directed, etc.

It's also possible for others to think that you are favoring the youngest child when you're not because of their own issues. Also it may appear that you favor one child over another because that child has different needs.

You may be loving them all the same but treating each one differently for a variety of healthy reasons.

I don't know if these are the reasons your husband is concerned about,if he is,but here are some ideas.

It becomes a problem when we treat the other children unfairly. We should have the same rules, based on age appropriateness, and have consequences for all.

It's also a problem when any of the cildren feel left out or feel that you love one more than the other. But that can be remedied by consciously paying more attention to the one complaining. And by acknowledging that although you do love all of the girls in the same basic way you also sometimes show your love to each one in a different way. In otherwords spend some time with the child feeling left out of your love and talk about how you both feel.

I know that I favor my granddaughter. And I know it's because she's a girl and my first grandchild. I grew up in a house of boys and always wanted a baby girl. (my daughter was 6 when she came to live with me.) I now have a grandson whom I love just as much as my granddaughter. At first I didn't know that I was favoring my granddaughter. My daughter suggested it. And so I observed myself and yes, she was the one that I went to first. She was the one I preferred to spend lots of time with. And I let her get away with more than I did my grandson.

So I became more conscious of how I treated my grandson. He is a late talker and didn't ask for more attention. I had difficulty understanding what he wanted. He also has a different personality . He didn't initiate play at first. He held back when I came in while my granddaughter rushed to give me a hug. I think that he was feeling like the second child and different especially in not being able to talk

I sought him out when I first arrived. I made sure that I fussed over him just as I did with his sister. I looked for opportunities to be with him alone. And I became very aware of how I
was unfair to him when it came to discipline and consciously thought about what I was doing each time until I felt that I'd evened out my expectations and was more fair. And he now often beats Monet to give me a hug and will pull on my hand or do something to get my attention. I am very aware now of how much I had favored Monet in the beginning. She is still the one that I feel closest too but I definately feel closer to Chase now.

What is ironic in this situation is that I think my daughter favors her son. When the two of them misbehave it's nearly always Chase's fault in her eyes. She seems to praise him more and criticize Monet more. She expects MOnet to act more grown up than she is able to at 6 while it's OK for Chase to still act like a baby at 3 1/2.

When I suggested that she was favoring her son she didn't see it. But I did notice that she began to spend more time with MOnet who is begging for attention.

I hope this does help. M.

Hi,

Sorry i accidentally sent my response, and was not finished. I think it is important to consider all the children's needs. Mom did that to a degree. However, she always put me first. She didn't do things for herself ever. It was always abt making me happy. I had to grow out of that fast when she died. Mom was my bestfriend, but my safety net. As much as I miss her, God has provided mother figures to teach me what i did not learn. I think because i was the favorite, i am more cautious not to give my daughter everything she wants. Mom was just trying to be a great mom. Plus, she was a daddy's girl and I think she was taught how to favor w/o knowing. As long as you give all your children the most love you can, and take time for yourself as well, things will be fine. Hope this helps...

K

I have actuly read a few articles where psychiatrists suggest we DO love one child in particular more then the other children. It is some form of adaption we do not intentionaly cause.

I dont think it is "prefer" but more or less love in a different way. We love everyone differently, it would be boring if we loved the same.

Well, I do believe that it is possible, but it sounds more like you are loving her at her age appropriateness. Younger children need more than the older. We need to be there for our children but as their needs change...so do we.

I would ask him for instances and even take you aside at moments where he feels that you might be. Talk with him and have an open mind.

I have 6 children and I definitely have treated each of them better as I've learned more. Not because I love one more than the other, but I have gained experience. I hope this helps.

Happy Parenting!

Yes i am also guilty of doing this but i do try to correct myself. I try to spend time with each kid doing something special with just them so for that little while they get all the attention and feel special. I think it's only normal to want to hold on to your baby because there growing up.

I think so. It doesn't mean you love the others less but be careful because if they pick up on it, they will take it that way. Favortism has always found it's way in my family. My grandmother favored me but not my sisters. My mom favors my sisters and not me. My mother in law favors her daughters kids but not her sons (my daughter). It breeds for silent contentment that can really shape a person later in life.

My husband and always tell our daughter "I love you almost as much as Daddy...Mommy" It's a way to deflect favortism. She always knows we are boasting the love that the other parent has.

If he brought it to you attention, take it in, step back and see if you are acting this way. There is a good change he's not making up what he sees even if you are not meaning to favor one. You may not know you're doing it but now that you know it appears that way, see if you can't change at least the appearance.

Its VERY easy to do... I do it with my youngest and dont even realize it. He is at home with me all day, my oldest is at school, and I think because I know its the last year he will be at home with me, I do favor him. I have been working on trying to be more fair, but its hard when I dont even realize im doing it.