How Do I Deal with a Mother in Law Who Favors One Child over the Other?

First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your husband. :(

Second of all, I would absolutely talk to your MIL in as calm and non-accusing a fashion as you can. Tell yourself she is just oblivious to the fact she is doing this. I would tell her that you have noticed she is favoring your son over your daughter again and then give specific examples like the candies so that she has something specific to think about. Tell her that as your children are getting older, they are becoming aware of her favortism as well and that it is hurting your daughter's feelings. In all honesty, I'd even throw out there somehow that your husband would want to know both of his children are being loved equally by his mother/parents. Maybe knowing it is hurting your daughter and would be hurting her own son would be enough to make her give more thought to her behavior in the future.

Hugs,
L.

We have had to deal with this very same issue. Both my mom and my MIL do this. They favor our youngest children over the older ones. Because our oldest daughter (10 yrs old) told me that she feels like Grammy likes the little kids but not her, my husband spoke to his mom. His mom said that she just likes babies better because they don't talk back. My mom said she didn't realize she was doing it (but still does it).

I think that you should speak with her in a very gentle manner. Just tell her that you love her and value her relationship but that you notice that she favors your son and that you wanted to make her aware that your daughter does notice this....and that it hurts her feelings. You can say this in a very loving way and don't have to be hurtful to her.

Since we have spoken to them both, once I catch them in the act of being nicer to the little kids, I speak up right then and try to compliment the other kids to show her what she's doing.

It's an ongoing battle but if you don't get it off your chest, you will grow very angry....and moving across town will not change it! Good luck!

Can you talk to your father-in-law (assuming he is in the picture) about it? Maybe he can talk with her about it. My father-in-law was always visibly uncomfortable with thier neighbor's daughter and always paid more attention the their sons. My father-in-law was an only child and only had sons, so he was just not comfortable around girls. So when my daughter was born, I kept an eye on it to see how it would go. At first, he did things like buy her trucks, which was fine but kind of funny because it was like she was another species. Then, the next xmas he bought her a doll and I just KNOW it was my mother-in-law who gave him an earful about her being a girl and special and needed to be treated differently. He gave my son something once and my mother-in-law told me he'd had it for a long time but she wouldn't let him give it to my son until he had something of equal value/importance to give to my daughter. Did your husband have any sisters? Is it possible that it's nothing personal but your mother-in-law is more comfortable around boys? I think getting to the bottom of why this happens is important so you can decide how (and if) to handle it.

Hi D.,
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation. It may be that your son reminds her of her own son who she has lost, but it's still not acceptable to favor one sibling over another, and hurt the feelings of a little girl - and a little girl who has lost her daddy. Yet it sounds like this was always her behavior pattern/
I think you may need to be pretty direct with her about this - or if your daughter notices, your daughter can ask grandma why she favors brother, buys him things, etc. Once she realizes that your daughter is fully aware, she may realize that she needs to change her behavior
I've btdt with my own MIL when the kids were younger. She clearly favored my daughter. I think that for the most part, it was just stupidity on her part, not knowing how to treat 2 kids since she had only one, not knowing what kids were aware of at what ages. She would bring gifts over for my daughter and nothing for my son because she didn't know what to bring for a baby and didn't think he'd notice but at about 1 1/2, he did and was looking for the gift bag with his book and beanie baby, and then she felt like an idiot. She'd send my daughter $1 to go pick out a little toy or candy at the dollar store and nothing for my 2 year old - who liked toys and candy too. When I started making my daughter share the dollar, she told grandma who started sending another one. But she continued to sent it in mail addressed to my daughter (Here's $1 for you and $1 for your brother) but he was 4 then and upset that he never got his own mail. Just stupidity on her part.
Good luck with your MIL issue. Perhaps some distance will help, and if you're not really comfortable confronting her, perhaps some other relative can help you with this?

D., I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and with this type of behavior going on it has to be rough. First thing that comes to mind is that your in-laws lost their son and it's possible that they see a strong resemblence in your son to his Dad and this could be the reason why your mother-in-law treats your son differently. I would not overact with her or waste time and energy explaining your hurt because your mother-in-law is in complete denial of her actions and will plead innocent when you know in your heart she is guilty. When I went through this we moved completely out of state. My parents and my husbands parents went into complete shock because they could no longer control the situation they had all created. We had his, mine, our children and the 4 sets of grandparents involved showed and never hid their favortism. A 3yr time span job relocation for us away from home changed everything for the better for our immediate family. By the time we came back home all of our sons had bonded together without grandparents constantly interferring by giving unwanted parental advice that did not apply to us and showing above and beyond unnecessary favoritism. I would not suggest that you move cross country to prove a point that all grandchildren are equal but moving away from living right next door is a step in the right direction.
Good luck finding a new place to call home! Been there in your shoes and felt the same way about having innocent kids just trying to be themselves and be accepted. I understand how you feel completely,
Mary

This is a psych answer to the question as to why this might happen with kids or grandkids of the same gender. Typically, it is discomfort of oneself as a women or man that causes alienation. Its easier to lavish praise and nurture the opposite gender. As a mom, I would seek out other good women role models/friends. G-ma's nice, but may not be comfortable with herself.

You can say something, but at the same time your daughter has others that love her, can show her that love, and show her how to be a girl... woman. The relationship is between your daughter and her grandmother, and your MIL is the one losing out. When your daughter is older you can explain that it isn't fair, that it is not about her (daughter), and how its too bad because g-ma lost out on being close w/ an amazing girl.

Jen

When the children ARE NOT around talk to her about it. It isn't fair and it will cause bigger and bigger tention between you and her but worse between her and her grandkids. It could also cause trouble between your son and daughter and you sure don't want that can of worms opened. My kids are 9yo, 3yo and 6 months old. My MIL tends to do more with the 9yo and I have had to tell her how much the 3yo feels left out. She wasn't intentional just unaware! Happy house hunting! A.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. She is NOT a very good grandmother. The only thing that I can think of is that your son reminds her of your husband. But that is no excuse for the way she treats your daughter. I would gradually stop seeing her and when she asks you why TELL HER!Tell her that your daughter is hurting cause she is treating her differently. And that it is not fair to her. Tell her that she doesn't feel comfortable when she is around cause she is being ignored. Eventually your daughter may recent your son because he is treated better. I hope that doesn't happen. When you move stick to your guns and stop calling altogether. She has to learn that she has TWO grandchildren. And if she can't then that is her loss. Don't let her do that to your children. That is not fair.
I am going through the same situation with my mother in law only it is between my daughter and my brother in laws daughter. She is favoring mine over theirs. I do not think that is right. She is only going to turn them against each other and cause problems with my husband and his brother. Both me and husband agree but she has Alzehiemers and doesn't remember what we said. There is another baby coming in June. My brother in law and sister in law are having another baby. I just hope that she doesn't push the two away for the new baby (especially if it is a boy). I am very worried about it. But my parents are the best when it comes to my daughter. I just don't want her to be in the middle.
So I wish you the very best.

I don't think that she prefers one more than the other. Maybe bec he is a boy she sees her son in him. Don't say anything try to explain to your daughter that she loves her but she had a different way to show it. nothing negative, anyway if you move- problem solve-

good luck

My grandmother did that with me and my sister, and it always bugged me so bad. It did affect my self esteem, so I would definitely speek up and tell her that while you understand that they miss their son, Your son is not their son and they need to step up as adults and treat both kids the same. Otherwise, your daughter will grow up knowing, deep inside, that she is not as good as her brother, not as worthy, not as loved.
R.

Either say something, or write a note. If you say nothing, you condone her behavior towards your daughter, and you teach your daughter to be accept this from family, friends, anyone.

Good luck, and don't expect change.
M.

Try talking to her. She may be associating your daughter with another girl from the family in some negative way that she is not aware of, or she might simply be seeing her son in your son. Either way, her behaviour is terrible for both kids and in the long run, will destroy her relationship to them. Be kind, but clear. Good luck. I had this same conversation with my mother-in-law. She denied it outright, but did seem to improve after I told her how painful it was for both my kids, the one she favoured and the one she didn't.

Do you think your Mom favors your son because he reminds her of her own son (your husband)? Although from your post, it seems this behavior went on prior to his death. I'm so sorry you are in this difficult situation.

I just wanna say how sorry I am for your situation. I have no advice for you cause my mother in law is the same way! She lives hours away and doesnt ever see the kids but my oldest gets birthday gifts when my youngest doesnt even get a phone call for hers! My husband and I have talked about it and we both decided if it doesnt change then she will be cut off because my 4 year old knows her grandma prefers her sister and it hurts her. The problem will be making my husband carry it out! You need to protect your kids from anything that hurts them and unfortunatly that may also mean your in-laws. I wanna believe that any grandmother wouldnt hurt their grandchild on purpose so I hope something changes for you. Good luck.

S.

I would address the issue as concern for your daughter's feelings. I think you have every right to tell your MIL that she needs to treat both kids the same - if she brings a gift or snack for your son, she must bring one for your daughter too.

Perhaps you can ask your MIL why she so clearly shows preference for your son? Maybe there is something she can do JUST with your daughter - like take her to build a bear or to lunch? I would just keep it focused on your daughter and your concern for her future relationship with your MIL. Just be clear that she NEEDS to start making an effort to make your daughter feel more loved and included.

It's amazing to me that relatives are so insensitive! You have every right to control what happens in your own home. Just be advised that you may not have such controls over at her home.

Good luck

just a guess - could it be that she sees some of her son in her grandson and this is her way of holding onto your husband?

If your husband would not have allowed it to go on then neither should you. Teach your daughter that she is just as valuable as her brother.

Personally, I think you'll have enough to deal with, with packing and moving and you might even need some favors from your in-laws during this time, So I wouldn't choose this time to "rock the boat". Once you aren't next door anymore and are settled, if this is still going on, you should probably address it again.
My mil favors her boy grandsons too, It bugs me, but my daughter isn't old enough yet to care, And since my daughter seems to have a lot of my MIL's personality traits, i'm not so sure my daughter will ever care lol.
Could it be that your son more closely resembles the son they lost? And that is why they act that way? not that it really helps. Lean on your parents, kids aren't fools they know who loves them and who they can count on and your MIL will be the one to lose out. But you have to accept that that is her choice that she is making.
Hope you find a lovely house!! wayyyyy across town!

You are right that your son is probably the link to her son but not something to be tolerated. You have the right and the responsibility to stand up for your children and not tolerate such behavior. Speak up - you are the only voice your children have. Most likely she will not change her ways if she hasn't done it so far. Move away and let her know she is welcome to see them but only if she chooses to behave like a grandmother and love all the children. If not, you should not feel bad and your daughter deserves better. I dealt with this situation and my husband had a talk with his mother. He told her that he loved both her and he loved me and his children and he hoped she would not make him choose. If he had to choose, he would choose his family. She never behaved like that again - she got the point and we had a continuous good relationship for all of her life. You can try the same tactic with your mother in law. The ball is then in her court!

First of all I am sorry about your husband..secondly more so now she prob favors your son because she's sees her son...unfortunatly not all grandparents are the same. I guess for their own reasons they favor. I happen to have wonderful parents, but my in-laws suck. My husbands grandparents favored one set of grandkids while he sat there and was ignored. Your daughter is old enough to understand and there will come a day when that grandmother wants a relationship with her and when your daughter turns her away she will know how that little girl felt...she may not show it but kids are smart and they know. She has other people that love her so don't think too much into it...it's the grandmother's loss not your daughters.

I see other people said talk to her, but you said that you have...and honestly people don't change so don't waste your breath and put your kids through that! Just love your daughter...some people just suck..and she will be a better person knowing to only include the people that love her in her life...don't mean to sound harsh but that's the real world we live in.