Childhood Ex-friendships

How big was this 5 year old that he could drag your 7 year old son that hard?

What it sounds like is 2 kids that have yet to learn how to interact properly with one another. Does your son have any other underlying issues? At 7 he really should know that hitting is not okay. the 5 year old sounds like a 5 year old (not excusing his behavior..just saying).

Honestly I wish parents would learn to not put the children in the middle. Believe it or not many problems with children will work themselves out in time with age and maturity. Instead parents get all huffy and create ill will and bad feelings which them follow these kids through school. so not cool.

ETA*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_**_*_

My oldest boy who is now 21, had some aggression issues as a young guy. At the time he just had a "language, comprehension disorder". It effected every area of his life. Speech and comprehension being the largest one.

His weapon of choice wasn't hitting..it was biting. To the point that he would draw blood, mainly his little sister, but never opposed to another person when his frustration levels were high.

Now at 21 many believe including therapist (as a teen he was diagnosed bi-polar) believe that he sits on the autism spectrum. It just wasn't as known back then.

Here's the thing, no one was every the reason my son bit and on occasion hit. No amount of provoking was an acceptable excuse. The consequences were swift and immediate. Until the issue was brought under control, who he played with was severely limited.

Only parents of children I trusted were allowed played dates. Parents I knew who would have my child's best interest at heart. Parents who understood this was an issue and were willing to work with me and my son, and only kid s who were older then him and able to deal with the issues that would come up. Older kids are great in this respect, because truthfully some of the very behaviors I was dealing with in my son were 'normal' behaviors in younger kids. Just not acceptable from an older child.

I understand I really do, but you are trying to convince others that a manipulative 5 year old is the problem. He's 5 momma. That age for some kids is about learning to navigate friendships, rights and wrong, it's not about manipulation it's about learning.

Recognize that your son was a part of the problem, your reaction was part of the problem.

Your son needs some friends his own age. There is a big difference between a 5 and a 7 year old, and when you add in the fact that you clearly can't get along with the family, well, it's a no brainer.
In a perfect world we would all be friends with our neighbors but it doesn't always work out this way.
Make sure your son has playdates with friends from school, and get him involved in sports or other activities where he has a chance to make friends and work on his impulse control and social skills. The busier he is the less he will miss his "friend."

A) He needs friends his own age. While a 2 year gap is no biggie once you're older, at their age, it is a large percentage of their lifetime and A HUGE DIFFERENCE on many levels.
B) Your son has a hitting problem, and while you "get" it you are still justifying. You are not facing the fact that this is serious and that is why they now do not want to have their kid play with your son.

I'm sorry to tell you so harshly, you need to deal with this hitting issue. Not "slowly with a therapist" but now, he is not allowed to hit. period. Explain to your son that it causes friendships to break up.

Is their 5 yo so much bigger than your 7 yo that he could drag him like that? That is very surprising.

Help him find other friendships.

Hate is such a strong word for your feelings about your neighbor's. Your stomach is probably in knots because the conflict isn't resolved in your heart and living with anger and bitterness is no fun.

You deal with this by teaching your son that his hitting when frustrated is what has cost him a valuable friendship. Life is a tough teacher but when life lessons are learnt they are learnt very well.

All of the times your son hit this other child finally has come home to roost. I am sorry your son was hurt and sorry he lost a friend but this is how many learn by making mistakes and suffering the consequences. It is time for your son to move on to developing new friendships.

As for your shout fest with the parents, often times parents get involved in children's squabbles and are impacted by them way more than the kids. For your own peace of mind and settling of your own stomach, it may serve you well to apologise to that family for the shout fest, forgive them and get on with your life and livining.

Yes it will be difficult especially if you don't see where you are culpable but forgivess comes with freedom. It frees you from bitterness and anger and helps you to move on without that feeling in the pit of your stomach which is how many ulcers begin.

As much as it depends on you to live in peace do so and teach your son to do the same while teacing him other skills to handle his frustration. Understand your son and you will be tested again in this matter and handling it better the next time is important. Every interaction is a learning time or a testing time.

I know it isn't easy. My son was postively brutal at 5 but now at 18 he is a total teddy bear but can become a grizzly bear when provoked. It serves him well knowing when to be one or the other especially as a man.

I think the 5 year old is acting like a 5 year old. However, how would a 5 year old be able to drag a 7 year old across the carpet? Especially if you were standing there? I'm not saying what you wrote didn't happen, it just sounds strange. Did you take your son to the doctor?

I understand that you were upset but you had no reason to get nasty with the father. They didn't ask about your son? They might not have thought it was that serious. I think adults in the situation acted worse than the kids did. Why wouldn't the other child continue to play with the other neighbors? You have no control over that.

I'm sure the other parents have told their son to stay away from yours. Now, you will have to explain that sometimes saying I'm sorry doesn't fix everything.

I'm sorry you are feeling like you are not getting the answers you were looking for.

It sounds like, at base level, these 2 boys have personality styles that clash. This boy provoked your son. Your son would hit. This....not a good playdate does make.

Explain to your son that he and the other boy could not get along. They didn't play nicely WITH EACH OTHER and so now they can't play with each other and he needs to find friends with whom he can play nicely. You explain to him that it's tough when you are friends with someone and then you realize that the friendship is not good for each other. You know he's sad, but sometimes things don't turn out the way we'd like them to turn out.

But you're also asking the wrong questions and you're not modeling the behavior you want in your son.

You say "How do I get my son to understand that this boy is not a good friend to him." That allows your son to believe that HE is not also at fault, and that does your son a disservice. You don't get your son to understand that THIS BOY is not a good friend to HIM. You should be getting your son to understand that THEY ARE NOT BEING GOOD FRIENDS TO EACH OTHER.

You say "My son does not understand why they cannot apologize to each other and be friends again." Yet you are saying that you can never be friends with the boys parents again. Mama bear came out in you. Papa bear came out in the boy's dad. None of you have yourselves under control..... so how can you expect a 5 year old and a 7 year old to reign themselves in?

It sounds like you need to take some deep breathes and work with your son to find some friends that he can play with where it is a good situation.... maybe playgroups with more structure? Maybe sports where they are exercising. These tend to be more beneficial friendships for kids who struggle in unstructured environments or who struggle with impulse control (and/or hitting).

Lastly, I am surprised that the other parents allowed their son to play with a kid who hit him more than one time. Regardless of the developmental issues at hand with your son I wouldn't allow my child to be in any situation where he another child used aggressive violence in response (regardless of what my child did).... and certainly not if older than 2 or 3 and/or if the playdates were not going to be heavily supervised with INVOLVED (not just present) parents. When you have a kid who has violent responses..... they can't play with other kids without involved parents. It's not just going to be productive. I would have to be much more involved during the playdate to ensure that my son didn't ever hit anyone.

You are a good Mom. It is not your fault your son has hitting issues. You have given him time out consequences each and every time he hits someone, but he still struggles (not judging). I understand you are hurting for your son because he doesn't understand why they can't make up and be friends. This is hard to watch, but it IS a lesson your son needs to learn. The natural consequence of his continual hitting, is that the fighting escalated, and things went too far bad for "sorrys" to fix the friendship this time. Your son started hitting, and he ended up receiving more hurt than he inflicted. This is what can and often does happen when frustrations get physical. Ironically, the same thing happened between the adults. You started out with angry accusations towards your neighbor, and he shouted angrier and meaner things right back at you. I think you and your son have to accept that bridges have been burned with this family, and move on.

How do you deal with it? Lesson learned on both of your parts... your son has aggression issues which resulted in him losing a friend and getting hurt (physically and emotionally)... you need to deal with his issues (and your own aggressions) and supervise him very closely until the behavior is distinguised.

I'm sorry, but I simply do not believe that you stood there and watched a young child pull your child across the floor. Something else happened here. If you had been there, you would have stopped it before the rug burns happened.

Most 7 year old boys don't have a "hitting problem"- address this behavior and the others will come in line.

This other little boy, this little 5 year old boy up against your 7 year old, is not a trouble maker. I'm sorry that you think these other parents are out of line assholes but they're not. They're completely justified in being upset with you and your son. His ASD and SID aren't ever excuses for the hitting and anger issues, which you say that you "get" but I don't think that you do. You want this family to be understanding and keep on keeping on with your son when he abuses the other little boy, and not get upset or end the friendship when they've had too much... well, sweetie, they reached a breaking point.

I know how hard this is. My daughter now almost 10 years old and she's never been aggressive to other children but has taken some of the aggression out on toward me and her dad. I've gotten the brunt of it so I know what they can do. We also get the joy of meltdowns.

It sounds to me as if this family tolerated a lot from your son... far more than most children of their ages. I think you're lucky that they were so kind and tolerant, and I do think that you may want to view this from their point of view. A typically developing five year old can only "provoke" so much, you know. You have to realize that typical play "provokes" children like ours. I don't think it's fair of you to lay any blame at all on a five year old little boy for your son's behavior. This isn't that sort of situation.

I do think that the other parents were hoping you would be understanding considering that you're fully aware that your son has ASD and SID. Instead, you're defensive about it. I GET that, trust me. More than you know. But when you weren't as understanding, they stopped listening. When you assigned actual blame to their son, they stopped listening. Yes, it was completely out of line for the father to criticize your marriage and your parenting. I think you probably realize he said those stupid things out of frustration. The thing is, none of the adults in this situation behaved very well and after some cooling off time you should all talk a bit more calmly and allow the boys to be friends again.

You have gotten some very good advice here. I know its not what you wanted to hear, but I hope that you can cool down and digest some of it.

No one is innocent here, least of all the parents. The kids could have worked this out had the parents not gotten a bit too childish and yelled at each other in the front yard. Now its awkward and adults are just mad. Sounds like this has escallated way out of proportion. You seem pretty willing to overlook your son's behaviors, but unwilling to overlook behaviors of the 5 year old involved (soome of which are still pretty age appropriate). Some times that kid does not share, and sometimes your kid hits. Neither are perfect.

That is great that your son is working on his struggles and is getting therapy. You just have to keep in mind that while is is still working through how to control his behavior, stuff like this will happen. Especially when the other party is a 5 year old! Take this as an opportunity to model some good behavior for your son. Let him see you apologize to the neighbor Dad for losing your temper. Explain to him what you did wrong and why we apologize when we are wrong. Then ask him what he would want to apologize to the friend for. Now I know you are thinking "but the dad was wrong..." and that does not matter! We are only in control of our OWN behavior so regardless of how the dad acted or how he reacts to the apology, take the high road and model the behavior you want to see. It will benefit ALL parties if you decide to be the bigger adult here and work to resolve this issue.

I agree with Krista P., something doesn't add up.

That said, your neighbors have every right to protect their five-year-old son from YOUR son, who you said yourself has hitting issues. You have said that he repeatedly hits the five-year-old, but when the five-year-old retaliated, you want everyone to rally and apologize? That doesn't seem right.

Sounds like it's best to keep the boys separated unless you and the other parents can work out a way to properly supervise them while they are together.

I agree with the other posts about you needing to address your son hitting people. At 7, he really should be beyond that. A 5 year old is going to be more immature and have some of that behavior you speak of (sharing issues). It sounds like you have to intervene so much in their friendship that you can't leave them alone for a second, especially when you know it will get physical. As for the 5 year old being able to drag a 7 year old, I just want to say that my son has always been a lot bigger than kids his own age and it's not out of the realm of possibility that this could happen.
Because you and the other parents are not willing to let them play together, you have to just explain that to your son. Maybe as they mature they can become friends eventually and just play outside together.

Your post is more of a vent than anything, I think, and sometimes this is a safe place to vent.

Unhappily, I can see only two options for your question. Your son will not have that boy for his friend unless you have the parents for your friends - which means you may have to ask forgiveness for your temper, even if they do not ask forgiveness for theirs.

If that won't happen, you'll have to tell your son that *you* do not want him to play with the other boy because you and his parents are choosing not to apologize to each other and be friends again.