Missing My Baby

Updated on September 23, 2008
K.S. asks from Cabot, AR
79 answers

I got lots of good advice from everyone. I'm glad I have mamasource to come to. I've been back at work for about a month now, and my son seems to resent me for it. I know he's only a baby, and I'm sure it's natural. He has his granny to fall back on so he always wants his granny. I'm just bummed that he doesn't like to spend as much time with me anymore. Any ideas on how to deal with this? My feelings are hurt, but only a little. I know that I can't let my hurt feelings get in the way of trying to get him to understand that mommy's not leaving him forever or to be mean.

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L.P.

answers from Huntsville on

K.,
Might help to know when he is hitting. Is it when he's mad? Is it to somehow tell you something? Is it when he's playing?

If it's when he's mad or trying to communicate, help give him the words. When my daughter was little and mad, I'd say something like, "Oh, I know you are so mad. I'd be mad too if I wasn't able to do that." Just validates their feelings.

I'd also suggest learning some basic baby signs, like for food, drink, eat, done, more. Those really helped us.

If he's hitting at other times, see if you can see a pattern to when and/or why.

Hope that helps,
L.

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M.M.

answers from Baton Rouge on

My daughter and nephews knew about my pillows in the corner for time out. Hitting resulted in physical removal from everyone and a time out with a reminder that hitting is not acceptable. My daughter didn't hit because she didn't see that as an example fr handling her feelings, but my nephews did. However around me they knew not to do it but that it was OK to say they were angry or upset. One of them taught himself to hit a stuffed animal instead. It worked for him and kept him out of time-out or from getting popped by his mom. {:^D}

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M.B.

answers from Lafayette on

The first thing to do when he hits, is remove him from the person he is hitting. Do not speak to him as long as he is hitting, just keep removing him from the area. Another thing to try is distraction. When he starts to hit, try and get his attention on something else. Such as playing, kicking a ball, racing, something that will help him exert his energy or frustration.Distraction is what worked best for me.

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B.

answers from Jackson on

K. - I saw your request the first time and I couldn't give you an answer because my son did it and nothing seemed to work for me. He just finally outgrew it. Fortunately he was really only hitting me, so I didn't have to worry about school. I thinks it was just his way of expressing his frustration and since I am really the primary caregiver (transalation - dad is always at work or too tired) he needed me to understand him. As with all things they eventually outgrow it and move on to something that is even more irritating and so darn cute at the same time. Firmly grab his wrist and tell him 'No - it hurts Mommy', I did find that fewer words made a greater impact. Good Luck!!

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H.S.

answers from Jackson on

Dear K.,
Parenting sure can be hard at times. Sometimes we really understand the meaning of they didn't come with an instruction manual. I really don't have alot of advice to give on the subject. I just wanted you to know that you have support out here and I'm feeling for you. I got down on their level with mine looked them in the eye and gave a stern but gentle no and said that's not nice we don't hit or hurt people and that was all I had to do. I do know that sometimes it's not that easy. Anyway hope everything is going well and you got some good advice. Just wanted you to know there are people out there who care.
Sincerely,
H. S.

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C.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Your son may look like a little boy, but he's really still a baby. He needs to start learning some boundaries, but keep it simple. When he hits, remove him immediately to a "time out" place (find a secluded corner or chair, etc) and say "No HITTING" in a firm voice. Leave him for about a minute or a minute and a half with no interaction, and then tell him he can come back with again the simple warning "No hitting." You will probably have to do this many times until he connects the consistent negative consequence with his action.

The key word is consistency. Don't use a lot of verbage -- he's too young for all the explanations at this point. Many little ones go through a period of hitting/biting/pushing, so you're not alone. Just teach him the boundaries every time the behavior occurs, and this stage will pass.

This worked for me, both as a mom and a care-giver.

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K.G.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi K.,
My son started head butting and biting me around that age. I got a book for him called No Biting (a lift-the flap book by Karen Katz), I think I got it at Walmart. The book was a visual and audible reminder that those behaviors are inappropriate. I carried it in my diaper bag and used it often. The page about hitting says "No hitting Mommy!" the next page says "what can you hit?" then you lift the flap and it says "a drum!'. I like that this book gives children options and I also created my own options such as "hit a pillow" or "slap the water in the bath"! Make the the response to inappropriate hitting undesirable and create fun outlets for your child instead. I hope this helps a little!! Welcome to the OKC area!
K.

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S.W.

answers from Tulsa on

Well thankfully I have not had this trouble with my two girls, at least not yet! But, I do have friends that have boys and they have had a lot of trouble with hitting. I don't know how you feel about spanking, but hitting someone to teach them to not hit doesn't really make sense to me. What is he doing to hit, does he just walk up and hit someone or is he doing it for attention? I know they say for some it's for attention and to try to ignore it. Try time out everytime he hits and stick to it, if he gets up sit his little hiney back in the chair. If that doesn't work everytime he hits, take one of his toys and tell him that you will give it back when he can be nice. I know people don't think at 13 months they understand but they know they are being naughty! I hope this helps a little, as I said I haven't had to deal with this but just some ideas from my friends! GOOD LUCK! :)

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L.H.

answers from Enid on

K., I didn't read all of the responses (you got a lot this time!) but I noticed the latest few all addressed the hitting and if you are like me when my son was that age, you might need some other mom's to hang out with as well as advice. I had someone on mamasource recommend joining a MOPS (mother's of preschoolers) group in my area and I thought I would pass that on to you. You might have one nearby and they can be so helpful... just talking to other moms who are going through what you are going through and also having a break. The one here has daycare for the meeting times which are twice a month. Other mom friends are such a great resource! My 19 month old is still a hitter and we do time out for one minute in a special "naughty" chair. It seems to be helping but as you've heard by now, its a phase that he's going to have to outgrow. I try to stay consistent and be firm but fair. Good luck!

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L.B.

answers from Fayetteville on

Hmm. I wonder if there is a glitch in the system. I never saw this request. And several of my own questions have never been answered, either.

So, about your question. I highly recommend Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Baily (Bailey?). In fact, a friend of mine recently followed the advice in this book and is having great success with his son!

It would help to know more of the specifics of what is going on with your son. If you want, you can private message me and tell me what seems to set him off. Also, are there any changes in the home environment, caretakers, anything like that?

In general, though, for one thing, time-outs don't really work for this age. Neither does discussing feelings, or trying to reason with them. *Whenever* he's having a meltdown, you can start by saying, with empathy, "you seem really mad right now." Or even just say, "you're mad!" And reflect some of that anger in your voice, sympathetically - not in a way that makes him think that *you* are mad. He might go on for another minute, and you can repeat various versions, and mirror his actions with words. "Your arms are swinging like this. You didn't like [fill in the blank]!" He will probably start to calm down because you're in effect helping to vent his feelings. Strong feelings are just overwhelming to such young children. (That's why time-outs and punishments in the moment, or threats of them - in the moment - won't help, and really aren't ideal at any age. Time-outs used not as punishments but to regroup and have some unwind time - maybe even to cuddle together - though, are great.)

Don't isolate him and tell him to come out of his room when he's ready to be nice. This seems like great advice, teaching a child to calm down, and I used to think it made sense, but it was explained to me this way: it actually teaches children that they are loved conditionally - and, worse, it makes them suppress their feelings by force, teaches them to avoid negative emotions or issues rather than dealing with them, and *doesn't* teach them the actual skills they need in life to work through feelings and problems. It just teaches them to fake a smile/be submissive to make others happy and get along in life. By intuiting and voicing your son's feelings for him, you're teaching him to voice them for himself. This is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight - simply because children don't become adults overnight. But having that voice is what starts a child on the path of communicating and calmly working through conflicts rather than throwing fits.

Baily says that conflict is a learning opportunity, and that it is essential for children's development. Work with them through it, rather than trying to suppress it (like, "go to your room till you're ready to talk nicely").

Once he's calm, teach him how to handle the situation that made him mad enough to hit. Tell him simple things to say when he's mad, like "no like that!" Or give him something positive he can do physically: give him a soft little animal or ball that he can carry with him and throw at the floor or ground when he's mad, or allow him to jump or stomp a foot or something like that. Don't suppress yelling. He'll eventually learn to talk things out. Right now he's just too young, and yelling is actually great progress because he's moving away from hitting!

Then Bailey gives some fantastic examples for most common discipline problems, and what to say and do to get a child to want to cooperate. As she says, misbehavior is a sign that a child doesn't know how to get what s/he wants or needs in a situation (or things s/he may not even know that s/he wants or needs, like security, reassurance, routine, whatever). What you can do is try to intuit what's going on in the child's mind, and be specific about what you want from the child (don't focus on what you don't want), and to show the child how to get what s/he wants or needs, or how to compromise and accept that not everything is here and now. But the starting point is where your child is at emotionally and intellectually, rather than just getting the child to mimic the behavior that you want. The child still ends up obeying you, but is much happier about it and you don't have to fight. Her specific advice is really amazing.

Check it out from your local library, give it a good flip-through, and breathe a sigh of relief :)
Really, Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is an incredibly insightful book. Check it out from your library! It'll save you a lot of headaches!

L.

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R.T.

answers from Little Rock on

Good Morning K.,
I do not respond much, but I just went through this with my 14 month old son. He goes to daycare and apparently picked hitting up there. With him, if he hit me (he did it when he got really excited) I just looked him in the face sternly and said "no hit, mean, hurt mommy" and promptly put him down and turned my back on him. He is a momma's boy and after several times of this response, he stopped hitting! I know all children are different and this may not work for yours, but it is worth a try:)
R.

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E.N.

answers from Little Rock on

Hitting, biting, etc... are ways to get attention at that age so you have to consider the options: is he tired, is he feeling like he doesn't get enough attention from you? Try to make sure you're spending quality time with him every day and that he's still getting a good nap everyday. Tired kids are always more moody and irritable. Part of it is just the age, though, and they'll grow out of it. Those are some tips I learned in a fabulous Child Development class I took.

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C.D.

answers from Lafayette on

Sorry---Sometimes I get the chance too and sometimes not!!!
ANYWAY---
After having my very own HOME DAY CARE Center for 25 years + I've experienced a lot of everything!!!!
HITTING-----TIME OUT TIME!!!! PUT HIM SITTING DOWN AND TELL HIM IT'S WRONG. WILL HE UNDERSTAND??????? It's hitting is DONE OVER AND OVER and TIME OUT ARE FOLLOWED---GUESS WHAT....HE WILL SURELY GET THE PICTURE..........
ARE "YOU" READY TO DEAL WITH THIS????? It's in your hands now.......
Yes---I DO KNOW 13 month is YOUNG----Don't leave him there for long----10 minutes maybe----BUT---make it clear to him that IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE......
REMEMBER-----YOU'RE THE ADULT.......
BLESSINGS.......
C.
LOUISIANA

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J.L.

answers from Birmingham on

It's probably just the age. Just something he's going through. My son is almost 3 now but I remember asking the same question to myself and to friend and family. I didn't know what I was going to do. At the time, I was giving a pop on the hand for things he shouldn't do. But for that, I surely couldn't hit him and tell him not to. Seems like it would only cause confusion. Just tell him "No no" or "No hit." I would even hold his hand while telling him. So that he might can connect the two.
Keep on with him and soon he won't do it.
And remember, it's just a stage. I don't think he'll beat people up forever. hahaha
Best wishes to you.

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C.M.

answers from Oklahoma City on

does your son hit when he does not get what he wants or is just frustrated? does he hit if you take something from him? if you can see it coming, you grab his arm (softly) and tell him "no hit" if you do this continually before it even happens, he may get the picture. my son gets frustrated quickly and has thrown things down but does not hit but i can see it coming so i try to head it off. You may try also to look at the book, happiest toddler on the block. i liked that book for the most part. i am not sure a time out is age appropriate but you may also try that, sitting him down somewhere else for a minute to cool off. sorry no one has responded before.

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T.W.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I dont know if I have the answer, but what do you do when he hits? Is he hitting you and your husband, at daycare, the dog??? My son is 2 years old now and went through a small phase and all we did when he went to hit one of us was stop him from hitting us and tell him firmly "no hitting" and explain that its not nice and that he could hurt us. He was probably your son's age when he did it too. It probably took about a month or so before he quit trying to hit us. Usually we would say dont hit us hug us and give him big bear hugs and he would giggle and think it was funny and now he loves to give and get hugs frome

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L.P.

answers from Jonesboro on

I wish I could help you. I have the same problems with my three year old. I have tried to tell her she is a good girl and girls love and don't hit. I have told her to be sweet. I have said no no. Some days it works and some days it doesn't. I have tried spanking too but that seems to defeat the purpose. Honestly I don't know anyone who's kids have not hit someone at some point. So don't feel too bad and don't give up.

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E.C.

answers from Lafayette on

I know alot of people will not agree, but you hit him back!!! You MUST be consistant. My 10 month old twin got into the hitting stage early. I would hit him every time he hit his twin brother. At first it was just the act of him seeing me hit him. Then as he continued...I would hit him a little harder...for him to know.."hey, when I hit...I get hit, and it HURTS!!! It only took a few times...He has not hit his brother in several weeks. Not saying he is completely cured, but it has slowed the process down. This too helps with biting!! I have 8 cildren and I have have used this with all of my kids. PRAISE GOD...I have not had many problems withh hitting and biting outside the home, because i feel I dealt with the problem quickly enough at home. As a result, I was spared humilitation of my children being mean to other children.

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B.Y.

answers from Tulsa on

I hope I can help you. I'm going through a similar thing with my toddler, but it is more of pushing and shoving. She is almost 2, so a bit older than yours.

The teachers at her Mommy's Day Out program told me about it. I've never seen it because we are rarely around other kids together. Her teachers said they "have a talk" and the reinforce her good behavior (like sharing and being gentle) with lots and lots of praise and stickers.

My favorite parenting book, Parent Power by Rosemond, suggests the same thing. It may take some time for him to understand that hitting not acceptable, but consistency is key. Punish the bad behavior with your choice of punishment, but always always reinforce the good stuff with praise, love, and/or some type of reward. When my daughter has a good week, we get french fries from Wendy's. :)

I'm no expert, but I really hope I helped a little!

Bri

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A.J.

answers from Baton Rouge on

K., K., have you discussed this with his pediatrician??

God Bless

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S.W.

answers from Oklahoma City on

K.--I really don't have any advice for you, but my husband is sitting right here and says her does! So, here goes! Sorry no one else has responded, by the way!

He says--grab your son by the hand (the one he is hitting with); make sure you make eye contact with him and tell him "no--you don't hit" if he continues, continue to tell him "no you don't hit" at another time he does hit again, lightly slap the top of his hand and tell him "no, no you don't hit, it hurts people".....keep in mind that this is coming from a man that has raised 3 sons! Ages now, 22, 18, and 15.........do this as sternly as you feel comfortabl with--in other words, do it out of love, but also be stern about it so he knows you are serious and he knows why you have "slapped" the top of his hand. I would suggest, after slapping the top of his hand--explain to him that's why you don't hit people, becuause it hurts them. You might even conisder "time out" after scolding him; especially if he hits again.

Good luck and keep me posted. And, also, don't feel like you are the only mom with this problem...1 year olds are famous for the "hitting stage" and if you don't stop it now, it will get worse by the time he is 2, not better!

As for your husband calling you the fun killer-don't worry, sista, so does my husband and I think I'm the funnest person in the world! LOL! Again, good luck and I look forward to seeing you sucessfully helping your son to quit hitting!

God Bless,

S. Woodall

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C.O.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I bet no one responded because getting such a young baby to stop hitting can be extremely hard since they don't like to listen at that age. Heck, they have problems listening at any age. My 2 and half year old doesn't listen to me very much at all, he just tunes me out most of the time.

The best advice I could give you is just to keep discouring it. No matter what the reason just tell him that hitting is not allowed. Even if it doesn't seem like it's helping, keep doing it because as he gets older he'll start to understand more and more. In time hopefully he'll start hitting less or not at all. It's a natural reaction so it's hard to stop doing completely at any age. My son still hits occationally and we've always told him that hitting is not allowed.

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A.B.

answers from Tulsa on

Hey K. on the subject of hitting its not easy to give advice because i don't know if he's hitting out of anger or just hitting. If hes hitting out of anger you need to look him in the eye and let him know it is not okay to hit and that it hurts and to use his words instead of his hands.If he's just hitting just because it is time that you start giving him consequences for hitting such as every time he hits take a toy away and tell him he can't have it back until after nap or the next day

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J.S.

answers from Fayetteville on

Hi K.,
One possible reason for hitting could be that he is frustrated with not being able to communicate. Toddlers often have a defined idea of what they want, but don't yet have the words to express that. So it will probably take some patience, but just let him know that hitting is not ok. Right now he's also testing his boundaries, so it is very important to establish this now. If he tries to hit you, for example, catch his hand (not in a way that will hurt him though) before it makes contact, get down to his level and tell him that it's not ok to hit. Use a calm voice while doing this- toddlers really pick up on negativity and just get more worked up. It may take a while of doing this, but stick with it because I promise you'll be glad you did. I see so many 3 and 4 year olds that hit their parents and other people b/c they were allowed to from an early age. Good luck and I hope the hitting gets better!

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B.V.

answers from Enid on

Well first off you don't swat him and then say "Don't Hit". You take him EVERYTIME and set him down for time out with a firm "Hitting is not allowed". Childrens brains, under the age of about five, do not understand contractions and negatives. The non-dominant hemisphere drops the negative. You can also use words like STOP or NO. But don'ts and can'ts and shouldn'ts etc are not understood by children that young.
I was just reading on to some of the other comments - I'll say it again, don't hit him to convince him to stop hitting???
How confusing can that be to a childs developmental mind? I am not saying spare the rod - I am saying using the rod when your child takes off running down the street and you can't let them get his by a car to teach them 'pain'. That is when a swat may be effective. But not in a hitting situation.
Good Luck
B.

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L.R.

answers from Shreveport on

K., I just saw this & I am so sorry that you haven't gotten any responses. I, too, have had times that there was no responses to my question. But other times, there were tons. We didn't go through a hitting phase...we went through a biting phase, though. I would say that just persistance in telling him that hiting is not OK and reminding him that it hurts people & reminding him that he doesn't like being hit, so he should not hit others. Maybe finding a redirection when the hiting starts, like giving him something else to do or removing him from the area to be alone. I'm sorry I don't have better suggestions...

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K.R.

answers from Lawton on

Hi K.,
I have 3 children, ages 7,4, and 2. All of them have went through this stage, and the youngest is in it really badly right now. My only advice is to be patient, they will outgrow it. I believe it's an aggression situation, due to not being able to tell you exactly what they are feeling. All my children get tons of praise and affection, so this wasn't the case with them. Just keep being a caring mom, love him and enjoy him. Eventually he'll start communicating better and be able to express his feelings without the frustration of hitting. I know it's not much help, but I wanted you to know that it's nothing that you are doing wrong. If ya need to talk, just email me~ [email protected]____.com.

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B.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hitting is a phase and it will pass. Try putting him in me time, one minute for every year of life, and explain that hitting hurts and you don't like when he hits. Hitting may be the only thing he can control, and his only way of communicating with you. Take note of what's going on with him at that momment. Also, he may think your reaction is funny so he keeps doing it. good luck

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M.L.

answers from Oklahoma City on

K.,

I am a mom of an eight months old and I am still breastfeeding. He just recently started biting me and what I do, I just take my breast away from him and say strictly to him: "No, no biting!" I am not sure he understands but he looks at me wondering why I changed my tone of voice. He usually starts smiling and it's hard not to smile in response. I hope that he is going to start understand the logic--if I bite I won't get to continue to eat + my mom doesn't respond to me as usual. I think letting him know that you are serious about what is allowed and what is not is very important from a very young age, so just keep trying.

Good luck,

M.

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A.T.

answers from Tulsa on

Sorry no one has answered your question. My son is now 2 1/2, and he goes in and out of hitting stages. My husband and I tried scolding him, time out and everything at about 13 months. We finally settled on telling him "no hitting" and then saying "only tickles" and tickling him everytime he tried to hit. Now he avoids hitting most of the time (except when he is trying to karate-chop us - we have no idea where this came from), but he will try to tickle us all of the time. Boys go through these stages all of the time, and it is a natural way for them to act out. We wind up reminding our son not to hit, only "nice touches" fairly regularly. Have you read the book "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson? It is a great book and a really good resource for those of us without the Y chromosome. :) Don't feel bad, my husband is always telling me that I am no fun, and I am the fun one. Good luck.

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P.M.

answers from Birmingham on

At 13 months old, your son is old enough to understand "time outs". Each time he hits someone, put him into a time out. It's important that your husband also do the same thing.

I don't know how long you've been in this area but try to get out and make some friends. You sound a bit bitter and lonely. We pass these feelings on to our children. Our area is full of "art and music" and many activities that are free or cost very little.

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K.P.

answers from Huntsville on

There's not a whole lot you can do at that age. He's figuring things out. I have 4 kids, and EVERY single one of them hit like crazy at that age. Even my niece and nephews did. Since it's not even out of anger, you really just don't have anything to worry about. Our Dr with my 1st told us to Cry really hard (very dramatically) and have anyone else he hits do it, too, every time he hits. Hitting stuff, just tell him "no hitting" every time he does it, and eventually he'll figure it out. I'm a baby/toddler coordinator for almost 100 3-23mth olds at church, and it's a TOTALLY normal thing. They ALL do it at this age. When they're happy, sad, bored... They're just figuring themselves, things, and others out.
He's REALLY little. He's still pretty much a baby. Don't stress. My 14mth old is doing this right now for every mood and reason. All of mine have stopped this by about 15/16mths old except my oldest who still did it until 18mths old. The more they can figure things out, the smarter they get.

Hope this helps.

K.
SAHM of 4 (6,5,3 & 14mths)

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K.W.

answers from Dothan on

K., there are several things that could be causing this. Take a look at your son's environment, is there anything that promotes hitting? When he does hit, you have to catch it then and be firm in telling him "no hitting". My granddaughter has an uncle that is a wrestler-like on the WWE, not the high school team. She learned about hitting and wrestling from him and has had to learn that she can't play with other children the way she sees her uncle play with his friends. Fortunately, she was able see that when she hit other children, this action hurt them. She was able to see that when she hurts others that it isn't good.

It's hard to give advice on teaching your child not to hit because a part of discipline that is used by alot of parents is spanking or popping.....and if the parents are hitting the children, the child doesn't understand that he can't hit others. Whatever form of discipline you are using, you are going to have to discipline your child when he hits. Time out works for some children at this age....a minute per year is the suggested time.....You'll just have to work at it and condition your child not to hit. It's hard work, but be consistant and he'll get the message.

I hope that helps.

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M.R.

answers from Tulsa on

Hi K. my name is M. and i have a son that just turned a year old last week my advice is that when he does hit tell him no and if he is hitting you then you tell him that it hurts mommy when he hits and maybe it will help

maybe we can get together sometime if you like i hope it helps

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S.K.

answers from Birmingham on

If he is not hitting because he is sad or upset, then it is a good thing. Remember, he is not a baby anymore, so he now has more energy in him and maybe he is hitting people to take out that energy. You could plan some physical activities with him during the day, to get his energy out in a constructive and productive way, so he is not left with enough to amuse himself by hitting others.
Also, children at this age do go through temporary phases of sometimes hitting or biting. I would model the right behavior to him. I would proactively let them take out his energy in a planned way, that is harmless to all. I would also watch him closely and try to anticipate this behavior and quickly remove him from the situation causing it, so he does not develop a pattern. Sometimes I would ignore his behavior if he is hitting to get a reaction from you. I would also watch his diet .... avoid extra sugar, make sure he is taking his vitamins and getting at least 12 hours of sleep.

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S.A.

answers from Oklahoma City on

well, welcome to the area. first, is your boy getting enough challenges? sometimes they act out to get attention or when they are bored. have you checked out the local library? they have a great kids area and story times. this also allows you to meet other moms and your son to see other kids. it's amazing how they learn from each other. now, make it clear what hitting is and why it's not acceptable to you. believe me i have been there. talk to him not like he is 1, but as a person. it does sink in. have a consequence, such as a chair or carpet square he has to go to when he hits. sometimes just knowing that he has to stop playing will deter him. always use a firm voice to say stop hitting. gentle and calm to explain why. and you'll love this one: they do stop doing it! boredom can cause a lot of problems.

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N.L.

answers from Shreveport on

Your son is obviously too young to really talk to about his behavior. Most of the time this is just a phase they go through like biting. If you try to ignore him, it will pass. I suggest since you don't know anyone try to get into a church or find a group of mothers in your area. You can get information on groups from your local hospital or possibly the Chamber of Commerce. What about the wives of some people your husband works with? Introduce yourself to your neighbors. Good luck.

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S.M.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi, K.!

I've got a 15 month old and I completely know what you mean by not looking like a baby anymore! Anyway, a few weeks ago I was running in the rain and fell and skinned my knee (right, cause I'm 5)...my son really liked the bruise and scrape. He kept pushing on them which hurt - a lot. So of course I would react. I realized that he enjoyed my reaction even if it was bad - saying 'no' loudly or making a big 'ouch' face.

When I stopped reacting, he stopped poking. It was really hard though. I guess my advice is to stop reacting to it? Sorry that's all I've got.

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S.C.

answers from Anniston on

When my son was young he acted out - "wild" - and there were behavior problems. I had to get tough and be consistant. The mom in us wants to make everything all better and nice and smooth hurt feelings, blah blah blah. But the fact of the matter is, he has to learn to control his self even at 13 months. I'd start with a firm "we don't hit" and follow up with a time out - without toys and TV, bottle or binkie. Be it in a chair or a play pen or crib he will soon learn that when he hits he gets a form of restriction. He will probably pitch fits and carry on. Set a timer for 2 minutes. Don't back down, be firm, not only is he hitting but he is testing to see who is in control. By the way, that is supposed to be you. The one that worked best for me and my son was at age 3 he had to sit in middle of a quiet room with his hands in his lap clasped together. He HATED this!!!!! He carried on, but in the end he got his act together. Find his buttons and push them. He has them too.

Good luck!

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P.D.

answers from Tulsa on

Maybe he needs a vitamin or mineral?? You could try LIMU it is a great tasting health drink, kids love it. It has 77 vitamins and minerals in it. there are 751 scientific research studies on the brown sea weed in the limu , the brown sea weed is called fucoidan and the articles can be found on www.pubmed.com under the word fucoidan.
My grandchildren love it ,
check it out on www.discoverlimu.com/911

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B.V.

answers from Fayetteville on

Just a thought - I didn't get to read all the responses, but my doctor was very specific to be careful of over-reacting. By that I mean, at this age (my daughter is advanced, too) they are still reactive (looking for a reaction or attention) and don't understand what "hitting" is or means and may not even understand what you are saying to him/her. Even a negative reaction is a reaction to them and encourages them. So it is good to say "no" firmly, but then look away. I don't know about your little boy, but right now if I sit my daughter down somewhere, she just jumps up and goes somewhere else - she's too young for time-out (at 14 months) yet. Probably at around 18 months I can use time out, but I am learning to be aware of my reactions and how they encourage little ones in right or wrong directions (biting and pushing/grabbing are the big ones for me right now).

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C.C.

answers from Oklahoma City on

when my son or daughter hit, I would tap them back. It surprised them and they quit. Good luck. C.

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L.C.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hey K.!

My name is L., and I am a mother to a single boy as well. He is now 18 months old. When he was 13 months, he had a bit of a hitting problem too (he also liked to bite). I think a lot of it is the age, but you are right in wanting to correct the problem now. We tried everything - time out, spanking, acting like we were hurt and crying. Nothing seemed to work, but we kept doing them all (mostly the time out and fake crying) and eventually it stopped. We always made sure to tell him "no hitting" when we put him in time out or if he got a very mild spanking (usually just a strong pat on his diaper :-) ). Hopefully this helps! Just stick with it. With time it will work out if you stay on top of it.
L.

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A.C.

answers from Oklahoma City on

don't hit him back! not even spanking. put him in a time out spot for one minute, then tell him how much hitting hurts, and remind him that he needs to love, be gentle, protect, whatever your words are for being nice. go way overboard with the person or animal he hit, with a very melodramatic face, extra sympathy, hugs and kisses, while ignoring your son (before the time out). then i would take that opportunity to physically show him how to treat others, take his hand and gently pet the dog, give a friend a hug, kiss you instead of slapping you. tell him how much hitting hurts, and how sad it makes you and the person he hit. be so consistent, and never let one hitting episode go unnoticed. i don't know if you have other kids in the house, but make sure that he doesn't see violence on TV or video games, and try not to encourage being rough, "all boy", play fighting, etc. i know that isn't the popular oklahoma advice proabably, but do your best to keep him in a very nonviolent, loving environment, and he will pick it up from your nonverbal cues as well. also there is a library book called "hands are not for hitting" that you could read together. it's a board book, so you might have to ask the librarian to help you find it.

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A.J.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi K.!
I am a mom of two boys who are now eight and four years old. Hitting is really a very normal behavior at your baby's age. Of course you can't condone it, but do realize that it will pass. Here is how my husband and I handled the situation with our sons: first, realize that he probably continues to do it because it evokes a strong response from you and others. He is learning about interaction with others and he is experimenting with control. Always be sure to tell him how wonderful he is when he is being sweet. Give him big responses for doing good things. When he hits, show your displeasure in a firm way--don't reward the behavior by hugging or kissing (I saw my cousin do this--she would pick up her son when he was hitting, hug him tightly, and beg him not to hit. I don't know if he has ever stopped hitting and he is almost five now) but put him in a chair away from you for 30 seconds and don't talk to him for that thirty seconds. Use an egg timer so that he learns that there is a beginning and end to the 'time out'. He will learn not to hit. My husband and my mother and I all were very consistent with this and it worked quickly. Just do remember to give him big responses for good behaviors, and absolutely do not respond to the hitting with aggression or reward. For a 13 month old, hitting isn't an expression of aggression, but if he is met with aggression after hitting, he will learn aggression. At his age, hitting is an expression of playfulness. After he goes to 'time out' for the undesirable behavior (hitting) get him out of time out, let him know that you love him, and play, play, play in a way that teaches how to play in a way that is not offensive to others.
Good luck with this! Consistency is key.
Let us know how it turns out!
Blessed be,
A.

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H.W.

answers from Tulsa on

I don't mean to be offensive. But, it sounds to me like you probably get frustated easily ... Your child can feel your frustration, no matter what it is your frustrated about. The Center for Counseling and Education in Tulsa is a non-profit organization in Tulsa that might be able to counsel with you. I would really recommend taking a good hard look at yourself and how you act around your child....then decide how you want to act. Seek help if you need to. But, I guarantee you, a calm demeanor goes a long way. Good Luck!

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D.B.

answers from Jackson on

K., Do not panic. This is a normal stage for this age, just firmly but gently take his arm and say no! We don't hit. The next bad stage will be biting. Good Luck. I have had child care of over 100 children and four of my own.

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B.L.

answers from New Orleans on

All kids go through the phase of hitting. I have 4 kids and they all went through it. What I did was hold their hand firmly but not too tight and looked at them straight in the eye and said in a firm voice no. Hitting hurts. If you can grab his little hand as he going to hit would be best, but you don't always have the opportunity to see it coming. I would also at times depending on which child I was dealing with, touch the spot that they hit and say ouch that hurt mommy. That helped too. I discovered pretending to cry caused to become a game, so don't try that. I hope this helps.

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L.J.

answers from Tulsa on

K.,

My son is 17 months old now...so I completely understand the whole "he doesn't look or act like a baby anymore - but he's still my baby." :-)

My son hits too. I'm not sure where he learned it, but all I can do is keep teaching him that hitting is not acceptable behavior.

When he hits, I physically stop his hand/arm and give him a firm "no" then I do whatever I can to divert his attention. Usually he is hyper-stimulated when he hits, so we have some "downtime." This is usually sitting together and watching a movie or any other activity that is calming and soothing.

At this age, our sons will need to be taught by repetition...so everytime my son begins to hit, we have downtime.

I hope it works for you too.

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J.S.

answers from Tulsa on

K.- it is just a phase. My advice is to take his hands when he hits, look him in the eyes and say "no hit".
It seemed to work with my son but it has to be reinforced all the time. Hope it helps.

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M.F.

answers from Huntsville on

I am so sorry you seem disappointed in the lack of response. Honestly, I don't believe I ever saw your problem here - I travel a bit with my work and can't always access this site. As to your son hitting - is he hitting people or objects? Is he hitting you or others, including children? Is there anything going on at home that could precipitate what might be an anger issue? If this is the case, even at his young age, he can tell if there is discord and react to it. You could try removing him from the area when he hits and put him in a playpen or his crib until he calms down. Isolation is a great teaching tool. Good luck.

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P.A.

answers from Tulsa on

K.,
Hitting is a hard one to deal with. With four kids I think I have tryed everything anyone told me. But really you just have to wait it out. I found the best result was to grab their hand ( even if it was after the hit) and hold it. While telling them how that hurt and made me or the person they hit sad. And over exagerate! So they really get that its not a good thing. They would usually end up hugging the person they hurt. After a short while it stopped. I think its just something all kids go threw, you will just have to find the right solution for you and your son. Hope this is helpful.

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J.P.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Every child go through the hitting phase. With my daughter, we got ahold of both hands, looked her in the eyes and said "NO" very firmly evry time she did it. If she did it several times in a row while one of us was holding her, we simply put her in the play pen or on a pallet for a bit. Yeah, she got mad, but she figured out pretty quick that hitting meant being put down. It took a few weeks, but she finally stopped. Make sure you are firm with no hint of a smile or your son will think you are playing.
As for being in a new town, take your son to the park or see if there is a mommy and me class in your area. This would be a great way for you to meet new people. Good luck! :)
J.

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D.D.

answers from Anniston on

Check with your pediatrician. Sounds like your son has an aggressive streak. Maybe you can get him one of those plastic toys that you hammer the "bolts" down and get him to do that. Is he mad when he hits or does he just do it to get attention or does he think it is funny? He is old enough for you to discipline him with a "no!" and time him out in a play pen or something like that. Hope this helps.

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A.A.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Dear K.,
Babies tending to slap back, kick you, etc. is normal at this age. You would say they are trying you out. Even at that small age, they still test you. When your child kicks, hits, etc. just say a firm, NO! and make sure you make eye contact. You don't have to yell, just say it firm. The baby is learning first, what no means, and, that hitting is unacceptable. It will take time but you will see that he/she will get out of the phase as long as you remain consistent.

Sincerely,
A.

P.S. I felt like the fun killer too, but I realized that it's okay to have fun, but you must have discipline and structure otherwise, kaos happens. I have a 13 year old, a two year old, and a three year old. I adopted all three of my kids. My oldest was seven when I adopted her and we have been through tough times because she wasn't use to discipline or structure, but with consistency she has come a long way. My favorite saying to her is you won't always like the rules but I'm not here to always be your best friend, I'm here to love you unconditionally, to guide you on the right path, and to teach you right from wrong. And I always tell her I will always love her no matter what, and we have rules because I love her so much. And if I didn't love her I wouldn't care about teaching her right from wrong.

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L.T.

answers from Tulsa on

Yeah, that's a pretty common phase for that age. They are in that "separation/individuation" phase where they realize they are separate from you and when they hit you, it doesn't hurt them. I advise (for what it's worth) that when he hits you, make a pained face and say, "Ow, no hitting." And then, put him down, and withdraw yourself a bit. He will come at you, wanting to be picked up, probably. Refuse for a little bit, about a minute or so, saying "No, you hit Mommy." Then you can say "Okay, but NO HITTING.", and pick him up. You will have to do this consistently for a while. If he's hitting the dog, or other people, about a minute to 1 and 1/2 minutes of time out.

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H.C.

answers from Alexandria on

Hello K.

have you ever tryed taking away his fave toy when he hits and telling him he isn't getting it back till he stops...maybe you could try not giving him something or time-out....these things might work so give it a try and see if it works...i live in grant parish,,la. If you live around there....

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A.X.

answers from Tulsa on

We didn't have that problem very long with our daughter. When she would hit, I would grab her little arm, look her in the eyes and tell her "no" or "don't hit". I'd tell her it was bad manners, though I'm not sure a 1 year old understands what manners are, I think she got the "bad" part.

If she did it again, I would repeat, then sit her on the couch or somewhere I could see her, but walk away from her, and would make her sit there for a minute.

After a couple of weeks, she quit hitting. She was a stay-at-home child though, so if your son goes to a daycare, it may be more difficult.

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T.W.

answers from Enid on

Hi K.,

You didn't explain the situation with your son in enough detail for anyone to have a response, maybe.
When does he hit? What is the situation around him at that time? It is always, or only in anger?

Instead of telling your son to not hit something, or someone, ask him what made him hit. Ask him what he was feeling, and what he was thinking that made him believe that hitting was the best option he had in that moment.

You could give him scenarios of what hitting makes someone feel...both the hitter, and the one/thing being hit.

Feeling the need to hit something or someone stems from the need to be noticed, or felt, which , in my opinion is a self esteem problem. He doesn't need to be able to express those answers back to you with words. Talk to him like you would if he were older, and show him why hitting hurts him, and others, just as you would if he were older.
Just because they can't express so well at that age with words, they can understand what you take the time to really show them.
Hope that helps

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J.W.

answers from Birmingham on

When you litte boy hits what is your response? Thru past experience I have found that if you spat his hand each time he hits and get a little harder each time you will get his attention. I have a niece that didn't respond well to discipline when she was young so she was sent to her room to be by herself and she did grow out of her fits of anger. Will be in prayer for you and your family.

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K.A.

answers from Birmingham on

My 18 month old went through a hitting face around the same age. She would smile right at you and then slap you in the face. We grabbed her hand and told her no VERY FIRMLY. No laughing or smiling while we said it. If she did it a second time, she got one swat on the bottom. She doesn't do it anymore. I'll bet your son will outgrow it as well. I think it's a phase in which they are judging your reaction more than anything.

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S.E.

answers from Tulsa on

Find and read the book "Taming the Spirited Child".

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C.E.

answers from Pine Bluff on

Have you tried a "reward" system for making good choices? Maybe a toy to reward him at the end of a good week? Also have you tried alterate methods to displace the agression? Such as providing him with proper verbal skills to convey his emotions rather than him feeling like he has to hit in order to make himself feel better?
If you have punished him thus far, and it is not working I would try other approaches. My nephew went through this stage and my sister also would throw herself on the ground and cry and explain that it hurts so that he can see a direct result when he would hit. Kids don't expect this from their parents, so they these actions tend to get their attention quickly.

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L.S.

answers from Jackson on

I'm sorry you have had trouble getting answers. I have a 3 year old daughter. She hasn't done the hitting, but she has done the biting. What we did with her was give her a reward if she went for a length of time not biting or trying to bite. She was 2 when she did this. Children have a hard time expressing their anger or frustration when they are little like your son, so anything that might draw attention to positive behavior might work. You could try time out or taking away a small privilege, such as a favorite stuffed animal or toy if necessary, but I have found that positive reinforcement is usually pretty successful. Good luck!

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L.J.

answers from Birmingham on

Hey! This is the first time that I've seen your listing and wanted to respond. Some children do play rough and they are often boys. Each time you see him hitting, gently touch his hand and have him repeat what he was doing while you are moving his hand for him and say, "be easy." Talk softly too. Praise him HUGE for being "easy" and not hitting or playing rough. If you see him about to hit or do something rough, remind him to "be easy" and not hurt. You will also need to scold him if he hits because it can never be accepted. I have always told my children, "no part of hitting is playing." Especially at the young age of one, they know what NO means and you will have to use it. Then show him with your "be easy" and do his hand for him. Hope this helps!! Continue to use this website ... it is usually great for connecting with moms who have 'been there, done that' advice and suggestions.

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M.H.

answers from Birmingham on

At this age the hardest part is getting his attention and time outs don't work. What does work - as he's hitting you, wrap your arms around him so he can't move his arms and tell him firmly but calmly that we don't hit - it hurts Mommy (or whoever.) Do that each and every time and it should stop fairly soon.

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A.K.

answers from Tulsa on

K.,

Sorry to hear you had a hard time getting a response. I honestly don't have any advice for you because I'm dealing with the same thing with my 22 mon old. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Hopefully we'll both get it figured out. I know I'd like to nip it in the bud. And by the way, welcome to town. Message me anytime. I've lived here my whole life and pretty much know this place like the back of my hand.

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M.W.

answers from Little Rock on

Dear K.,
What kind of steps have you taken so far to correct his behavior?? Knowing this might help us know where to start in any advice we have to offer. My apologies for no on having responded to your initial request...

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N.M.

answers from Anniston on

Dear K., Who does your son hit? When does he hit? Does he hit you the dog other people? Does he have playmates? What is his diet like? When did this behavior start? This is just not a simple question to respond to. You will have to give a little more information. What do you do when he hits?

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A.M.

answers from Oklahoma City on

We do time-outs with an explanation at the end of the time-out that hitting is inappropriate and that if we hit we have to go to time-out. My daughter is 2 and this has been effective for us.

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J.C.

answers from Hattiesburg on

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that no one responded to your request, I had that happen to my first request and almost didn't come back to the site because of it. I don't look at this site often anymore for that reason, but there is some good advice here.
My daughter went through a hitting stage about that time and we had a really hard time with it. But we were persistent in when she did hit we would grab her hand and talk to her, tell her how it is not nice to hit, and hitting hurts people. Then we would talk to her about what emotion might of caused her to start hitting, it may seem a little over their head at this stage, but I really think the hitting is b/c they have no other way that they know of to express being upset or angry, or whatever emotion it is. We got her to quite hitting other people, but then it went to hitting herself when she was frustrated or mad. We used the same method, only she was a little older by this time and would ask her to use her words instead of hitting. Usually at that time only got a "no, no!", but it was enough to help her out.
She still hits herself when she is really, really upset, but has only hit me once or twice since then, and hasn't hit anyone else.
There is no quick fix, and it will take your patience and understanding to help him figure out another way to express himself. On another note, it could be that he is just curious, the whole cause and effect thing. My cousin's girl is like that. will scratch or bite or hit to see what happens. Depends on why your son is hitting. Watch his face and behavior when he hits and see. Either way, talking to him should help.
Hope that helped some!!!

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M.A.

answers from Birmingham on

hey K.,
i had the same problem when i posted the one and only question on this site.i dont really have a answer to your question but when my daughter states to hit i have to grab her hands and hold them until she settles down. i dont think there is a real solution for this because it is a faze they go though.i also like to talk to her about why she cant hit.mia my only be 11 months but she really does understand me when i talk to her about things. this wasnt much help but i hope you have a great day.

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K.H.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi K.,

I have a 5 year old daughter and what you're going through right now is totally normal. I think it's important to monitor him and try to figure out why he might be hitting. Children at this age can easily become frustrated because they lack the vocabulary to say how they are feeling. If you see him becoming agitated or looking flustered try discussing it with him using simple feeling words. This of course is before he gets too upset or hits. If it gets to that point in a very firm voice tell him "No Hitting" and immediately separate him from the situation. Give him a one minute time out. Anymore time than that and it won't be effective. Most child experts say one minute for each year of their age is appropriate. After the time out give him a big hug reinforce that you don't want him to hit very simply(no hitting ok) and let him go back to playing.
Also I've found that with my daughter the best way to get her to cut out her bad behavior is to always recognize and praise her good behavior. She really connects with the positive reinforcement and it really works with her....Stay consistent and it really will work...Hope that helps!

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M.H.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Cancelling my answer...I thought you said 13 years!

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P.B.

answers from Jonesboro on

My son also was a hitter. So I know where you are coming from. Just dont hit him back when he hits, this just shows that hitting is ok. Set him in time out he is not to young for this. Dont put him in a place like his highchair or at the talbe, because these places you want him to sit at. He will associate these places with time out and may resiste to sit at them. Put him somewhere like in a corner, it make take more that a few times for this to work. YOU MUST BE PERSISTANT.

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T.G.

answers from Huntsville on

I recommend to redirect his hitting with a replacement and appropriate activity. Tell and show him what hands are for-soft touches for example. TELL HIM WHAT TO DO-not what not to do. Telling a child "no" does nothing=especially if he doesn't have practice or know what he is suppose to do. Give him the tools and practice doing the right thing and praise him when he does do well. Tell your son the words to use and give him practice using them. If he is hitting for communication try to determine what he is trying to say and show him that words are more effective than hitting. Notice the time of day, activity and person involved and you may see a pattern that you can start to predict when the hitting may occur and you can step in when you see the triggers start to occur. He is very young, he just needs to learn how to communicate effectively.
Good luck,

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V.S.

answers from Shreveport on

Hi K.,

Sorry no one's answered you before now. I'm a grandmother now with a grandson that will be a year old this month. :-)

My kids are all grown now, but my oldest (my son, Josh) was a hitter as well.

Whenever he would hit me, I would gently take both his hands and hold them in my hand and say "No, hitting. It's not nice." If he pulled away and tried to hit me again, I'd repeat it, this time with my voice and hold firmer. Not, yelling just with a firmer tone of voice, and would not let him pull loose of my hold.

Sometime this would produce a struggle of wills. :-) But, he eventually got the message.

When he tried to hit someone else or the dog. I'd pick him up and follow the above routine. Then I'd show him, by holding his hand, how to pet the dog nicely. And explain to him, what was the expected behavior. "We pet Gypsy nicely. We love gypsy. We don't hit Gypsy." When I could tell that he was petting her on his own. I'd let go of his hand and praise his good behavior. If he then hit her (and he did sometimes) I'd grab his hand and say "No Hitting!" And start over.

This worked for me. Hopefully, it will work for you as well.

Don't feel bad about the lack of responses... I've posted a question and not gotten an answer. It may be the format of this message board.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes!

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M.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

When he hits, grab his hands firmly and say "NO" "Do not do that" and other things simular. You do not call him bad, but you say the behaviour is bad.
Are there reasons why he might be doing this? For attention, or a food allergy. Do you talk to/with him? Do you listen? Play baby games? This can be like naming body parts, head, nose, feet. When you take him for a walk talk about what you see. Let him feel a tree for instance. A baby is a learning machine.
Last week I saw a 6 mo baby with the oldest eyes. His mother was glued to her cell phone. I started play Hi and Wave with him and he did say "H...i" and moved his hands a little. (I just love doing this game.) Then he grabbed his toes and I said something about his toes. Then he grabbed his feet and I said feet are meant for walking ... and running ... and hopping and jumping and before I was finished he was rolled into a ball with laughter and his mother had an astonished look on her face. He already knew these words but was not sure what they meant.

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G.V.

answers from Hattiesburg on

Sorry, I read your problem before but I hadn´t time to answer but you have me hear now.
The problem of hitting seems to me is jealous. He wants more attention. It might sound strange but he might feel you love your dog more than him; so to call your attention what does he do ...

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