For the past 5 years, I have tried to hold together a relationship with the father of my children and have recently failed. We have had many issues and of course he is not all to blame. He is taking the stance of 'all or nothing'. Well, we can't have all for the sake of my physical and emotional well-being as well as for our children. My daughter has witnessed far too much as it is and I don't want my soon-to-be-born son to think his father's actions are acceptable. So... he has now chosen to have nothing to do with me, which is fine, but also with the children. No pictures, no letters, no phone calls, no visits, nothing. I hate that my children will suffer because Mommy and Daddy can't get along but he doesn't see it that way. We has never been a financial support to us when we were together (I worked and paid for everything while my daughter went to day care and he hung out driving my car around town) but I was happy with just the emotional support and his physical presence.
Basically, I hate the whole idea of child support. I would rather him be there, or provide clothes or something directly. Heck, write the check for her school every month. But, he doesn't want to do anything more then 'escape' from us and forget. I don't know much about the whole child support thing or if there is another way around it and I know I can't force him to have visitation with his children but I am lost about where to go from here. It's possible for us to get by without him and I don't want to file for child support as a way to get back at him or something to hold on to. I don't know, I am just lost and need some advice.
Thanks so much for just listening, it makes me feel better just to rant a bit and let it out. I am so thankful for this site and for all of you who make it great!
Thanks for all of the advice, I am looking into the whole child support thing as I think it will be better in the long run. I mentioned it to her father and all of a sudden he wants to be involved again! I know it's just his way of trying to avoid the courts but we can't continue this game.
Next step, explain to my daughter where her Daddy is. Right now, when she would call him and he didn't answer she'd say he was sleeping...simple but not easy. Still makes me tear up when she says I love my daddy. I miss my daddy. Time will tell.
I would file for child support. He is responsible to help care for his children. He may buy clothes & stuff now, but that might not be the case in a year or so from now. I have been in a similar situation. Don't let him free of his responsibilities as a parent.
I'll say it to you also: Get a lawyer involved. The sooner, the better. If he all of a sudden has a change of heart and he gets a lawyer involved, you will be at the short end of the stick. Having said that, when you talk to your lawyer ask him about a program called something like 'conflict resolution' where the court assigns a mediator to the parents who will try to work with them without the case going to court. Of course, the father of your children will have to agree to do it. It's better than hashing it out in front of a judge. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
L.,
What I have to say may sound a bit harsh, so please believe me when I say that my intentions are not geared in that mannor. I have a lot of experience with this issue, so my words come from a very informed point of view.
Whith that said...
First of all, you need to stop thinking about child support as a way of "getting back at him." Remind yourself that you did not create these children alone, therefor you in no way should have to financially support them alone. File for child support and FULL CUSTODY of your children. This is only for the purpose of protecting yourself and your children. In the state of Ohio, both parents listed on the births certificate have equal rights in the courts eyes until there is deffinate custody established. That means that unless you have it on record and signed from a judge, he can come and take your children and keep them from you and there is nothing you can do about it. I have gone through this first hand, and believe me when I tell you that this is 100% true.
Second of all, you have no way to ever ensure that he will be there in the emotional sense for your kids. Asking that he be there to buy them food and clothes and whatever is only a temporary fix. Be honest with yourself. Was he ever really there for you when you lived together? From the sounds of it, I am thinking no. To be honest with you he sounds like a loser. Do you really want someone like that having a major role in the job of raising your children? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
I would suggest very strongly that you consider what is truely best for your family (you and your kids). If this realtionship is not going to work, you can not make it. And please for the love of Pete...get the ball rolling in court because it takes FOREVER to get anything established in this state.
Good luck and if you want to contact me personally, I willgladly share my entire story with you. My email is ____@____.com
J.
I agree that you should seek the advice of a lawyer asap. You can't force him to emotionally support the children, but you have a legal right to financial support from him for your children's sake. Don't get child support out of revenge...just do it to benefit the kids. What would happen if you lost your job? You'd need the money to take care of them.
I agree with what the other ladies have said, it is unfortunate, but true. It sounds to me like you still love a man who had no real concept of how to love you. Or your children. The only reason I am responding as well is to say that if it is at all possible, please, get some counseling to get through this. And be prepared that someday more likely than not your children are going to need counseling also. Abandonment (physical or emotional) by a parent takes a very tragic toll on the children. And that in no way mitigates how hard it is on the remaining parent too. My prayers are with you, May God fill your lives with all the best.
~A.
Hi L.,
I am going through a custody battle with my ex and your post revealed that we have a fair bit in common. I would like to offer my ear for support and friendship. I am new to the E-town area, and living in a rural, self-sufficient lifestyle in the forest with my 2 year old son. His father lives in Philadelphia, we are in the process of a very yucky custody battle in the court. I would love to know about where you work as I am trying to get my Montessori certification and didn't think there were any options for Montessori in the Elizabethtown area. Hope we can chat...feel free to write back!
S.
I know some how you feel; my ex kept our marriage going til our oldest was in her last year of high school and than finaly divorce the only thing was we still had one 13 yr. old but he was fine paying for one but not the other so for 2 yrs i support both children and myself. He paid child support for the youngest cause it was taken out of his check and real that was best cause I could depend on it being there; but just recently he got fired from his job so know when the youngest is going to be senior he is now not paying nothing and I am supporting her my self. I guess I am saying you should file for the support cause atleast the children will know they have something coming in from there father. Even if you use the money to pay for your daughters schooling like you said you wish he would pay for . Let me know how things go. Good luck with the new little one coming.
I feel pretty strongly about issues like this, so keep that in mind when you read my response.
His responsibility as a father to those children does not end because he just 'wants to escape'. Although this is beside the point, he doesn't get a 'do-over' on life because he didn't plan well before making babies and he wants to be free again. Imagine if mothers in this country tried to dump their children off on their father when the going gets rough! From the brief amount of information you've provided, it doesn't sound like he is going to be supportive or consistent with any type of support at all, so I highly suggest you contact a lawyer.
Your kids deserve support from their father, even if it is only financial support. I know you don't want to 'force' anything, but by simply 'hoping' that he will voluntarily provide basic needs or education expenses is not going to make it happen. While I understand that you want to be nice and not pushy toward him, you need to think of the needs of your children.
Hire a lawyer, learn more about child support, and get the help that your children need.
