Can You Honestly Go from Terrible Marriage to Great?

Yes, you can go from a terrible marriage to a great one. It won't come from 1 week-end, but that can be the start. Is 1 counseling session going to do it all? Any marriage can improve if both people are willing to put in the effort, and I'm talking a lifetime of effort.

You have nothing to lose. Maybe just improving communication skills would start you back on the right path. Good luck! I wish you the best!

I think the only way a marriage could go from very bad to really good, would be if both parties were in it for the long haul, put 110% in the marriage, agreed to not pull the divorce card and learned how to compromise AND forgive. Both have to be willing and able to change.

I wish you the best with your marriage and hope you get the answers you are seeking.

M

You know, those marriage retreats are really good for marriages. It takes you away from all the distractions and focuses you on each other and that's it. You talk to each other and re-connect. I honestly think it is a really great idea and it could really make you two re-connect your marriage like the good ol days. It may or may not fix it but it is a good idea to try because 2 complete days of focusing on just each other could be what you need to get the healing and fixing process rolling.

I've been in an increasingly bad marriage for 5 years (we had 4 good years). We'd have good stretches, where I had hope things were going to change, but for me -to date- they haven't. They've just steadily gotten worse.

I wouldn't turn down a hail mary, however.

Every marriage is different, if he agrees to the retreat what will it hurt to honestly try? Try that and then ask yourself if it's enough. You'll know.

My parents were really bad off & even were separated for a while and now they are super in love...even more than they have ever been. So, yes, it can happen. Many blessings to you & your hubby :)

The marriage retreat may make him reconsider couples counseling.

We read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book together. Also, the Love Dare /Fireproof your Marriage is a great resource for couples do together. If he refuses therapy, then at least doing something like this together can really, truly help.

And yes, our marriage was truly terrible, we only went to 2 or 3 therapy sessions, but we worked our butts off to re-date, communicate and learn to appreciate and care about each other, and how to show our love and respect in a more healthy way. Has been SOOO worth it.

Also, watch these 3 short videos together, only about 3 minutes a piece, but a real eye opener on how to treat each other and that there can be hope:

How do I love thee:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Marriage and Divorce;
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Expressions of Love, couples share their ideas on expressing love for each other:
http://lds.org/pages/expressions?lang=eng

What is good about marriage retreats, is it can be very eye opening. I have known some people who have really been kick-started by those. Terrible marriages can be turned around, it just takes a lot of work and commitment. Your husband is not willing to do that now, but a marriage retreat can really make him see the truth of the situation. It might be what he needs, to realize you need more help in getting back on track.

My husband and I are going through that. I had an emotional affair with a friend of ours, when my husband of 11 yrs found out he was crushed. I saw him do things I have never seen before like I found him on the side of the house at night, with a bottle of rum and he had tears running down his face. Everytime we tried to talk about it he said we are just better off as friends and that crushed my heart. It has been almost 3 months now and just the other day I got my first kiss from him in almost 3 months.
Anyways it hasnt been easy at all , it has been the hardest thing I have evr gone through. As I saw another mama say it CAN work if both people comit 110% you both have to want it, it isnt going to happen over night or over a weekend but it is possible. We have had to start all over in our relationship, we became friends again and now we have a ton of fun together but he still is catous about giving affection in fear of getting hurt again.
Dont give up.....

N.:

The fact that he is willing to go on a retreat is a HUGE step - take it!!

You HAVE to want it...the more you talk about "pity poor me" the worse it will get - grab the bull by the horns and start taking control...you CAN do this...find a weekend retreat and GO!! Go with an open heart and a GREAT attitude...remember - ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!!!

I can't tell you if there is hope for your marriage or not...you BOTH have to want it..marriage is NEVER easy...it MUST be tended to daily...you can think of it like a job or a garden...a job - you don't get paid for but the rewards are great....a garden - you need to tend for weeds but overall - it can be a truly beautiful sight to behold....

if you keep talking about all the negative and none of the positive - all you will get is negative. I know it is easier said than done - but it's true. Your life is what you make of it..you want it to continue to be hell? then keep on dwelling on the past and the negative stuff - focus on your future - how bright it will be and how blessed you are...keep moving forward...learn from the past but keep moving forward...

GO!!! GO!! GO!! to this retreat!!

The retreat is a great start. I think all couples and every marriage is different and you can't know right now if you'll end up great. We've been in weekly therapy for a year now and we still aren't sure how things are going to turn out, so it isn't an easy fix or a quick one. But BOTH of us are committed to trying and working on ourselves and our marriage.

There's a great book called Getting the Love You Want... A Guide For Couples; by Harville Hendrix. Again. both people have to be willing to admit there's a problem and want to save the marriage.

Good luck to you~

There is always hope, hang in there, try your best & let it be what ever it will be, at least you will know you tried all that you could regardless of the outcome.

I hear you.. Yes. It is possible. We were on the brink of divorce for many years after we got married. Probably the first 6 years! He had an anger problem and I was stubborn, it made for lots of fights. I was depressed, feeling controlled and overwhelmed. I ended up stumbling on a site called transformation.com and what I've learned about myself has made all the difference. What it comes down to is this, no matter what he does, no matter how he acts and what he says, it's about you and your life. This was the key to making marriages work back in the old days when the divorce rate was low!! Women were great at finding things that made THEM HAPPY!! They didn't depend on their men to conform or change, they did what it took to create a good life for themselves inside the marriage. If you are happy with yourself then nothing else really matters. In turn I've found that my husband has changed his ways. Not because I forced him to, because trust me, I tried.. He never went to marriage counseling either- I begged and pleaded and he'd never okay it. But what it comes down to is surrounding yourself with positive, strong women and doing what makes you most happy. Stop depending on him.. He'll come around when he's ready. And even if he doesn't, you won't be distraught or depressed because you are living a full, healthy, happy life. He'll want to be part of it thought- I have a feeling. Anyway, I know this probably isn't the answer you were looking for but it's the best advice I can give.. Disney's really screwed up our idea of marriage. There is no Prince Charming but there is a Happily Ever After, the way YOU create it to be. Best of luck my dear!! xo *R.

NEVER apologize for trying to save your marriage and yes there have been marriages that have gone to terrible to great. So many times as a couple we just lose our ability to communicate and communication is the key to any marriage.

It's definately a start! He said that's where he's at and that's what I'd take. Sometimes, you do just need to get reconnected to be ABLE to start dealing with the other stuff bit by bit. I had a hard 2 weeks where I seriously wasn't even liking my guy. But I had a heart to heart with him and showed him how his attitude had really been affecting me. He apologized and talked with me about it. He went and talked to this boss of his and dealt with some things that were causing stress (he needs an assistant in the WORST way, and is the only guy in his position with the company that doesn't have one.....he showed his boss how YES his numbers are good...because he's sacrificing everything for those numbers.....but showed how he could do so much BETTER if he wasn't wasting time with stuff the assistant could do....his boss AGREED?!?! They posted the available position yesterday morning on the website. We will get back on track and have date nights more often, and we purposely reconnected. So sometimes bad "times" can get better quickly when you get each others' attention. Will the marriage be magically saved in one weekend? Probably not. But he's telling you where he feels comfortable starting. Will you meet him there? It takes 2.

I have seen marriages go through a lot and then get better. Soooo, yes I guess marriages can go from the crapper to being really, really good. I think it takes both working hard at it though. The fact that your hubby is willing to go to a retreat is a step in the right direction.

How about you make it a point to go on dates often. Something that I found that helped me was to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages." The first book I read alone then read with my husband. It was almost like therapy just between the two of us...opened up a lot of good communication. (much cheaper than therapy too...and way cheaper than divorce!)

I wish you the best. Remember why you two married in the first place...and go from there. Rekindle that. I am pulling for you two!!