When things beyond your control are eating at you, how do you get your mind off them? Do you have a path to happiness (or peace) that usually works? Being around my 3 sons usually gets my mind off of everything else - and I LOVE being a Mommy, but I don’t think it's fair to make them my source of happiness.
I have had to put many things I love to the wayside for now. I assume it's temporary - the kids won't be little forever - but what do I do now? I have various things I am STILL doing that often bring me joy (I write, I have joined some women's groups that I like)....but...when something is on my mind, it all sort of breaks down.
If you have little kids and can't do all of the things that used to keep you happy and keep you from dwelling on things you need to accept, what do you do now?
Note:
We attend church regularly. It helps, but I need some ideas of NEW ways to tackle this. I dwell...and dwell...when I am hurt or confused.
I do work outside my home - and I have a wonderful job but I do not really enjoy it. If my husband finds a good job, we'll switch - I will gladly do the hard work of being the at-home parent. I just love being around my kids. BUT, when and if that happens, that is NO guarantee that this wouldn’t still be a problem for me....I still couldn't do the things I used to do get my mind in "healthy” gear (paint for hours into the night, go for long solitary walks, take off on solo road trips)
Thank you for all of this wonderful advice. I especially like the reminder that dwelling is selfish!
There is so much encouragement to be "introspective" around me (at work) that I often forget that looking OUTWARD (at least for me, as I tend to be introspective) is the best way to find peace....
exercise is my outlet and makes me happy! I do workout videos at night after the kids go to bed. It's the only time of day I feel like something is MINE. But also, my kids truly make me happy as well. (as much as I complain!) They are my world and I wouldn't be able to live without them.
Peace has been an inner journey for me. I have found peace through owning my own stuff, taking 100% responsibility for my own happiness, learning to create healthy boundaries, letting go of blame, and having permission to care for myself.
I put myself first on my list. I started country dancing when my children were little so that I had at least one thing that was mine and filled me up regularly. I learned how to communicate my needs and how to make sure I was the one ultimately responsible for whether they were met or not.
I use tools like journaling to work through the crazy thoughts that can run through my head. I have done traditional, individual and group counseling to really face the traumas of my childhood. I have learned energy tools to support me in being grounded, having boundaries, clearing out my space of old energy and other peoples energies and to keep from throwing my energy at others. I use tools to become aware of my core belief systems and to question those beliefs so that I can believe new, rational beliefs. I have friends that I can vent with and that will give me the reality checks I need to really face what is happening in my head so that I can transform those things. I face my fears head on, I allow myself to feel my feelings, I acknowledge when I am beating myself up and I choose to be gentle with myself instead.
Mostly I stopped judging myself. I started listening to the viscious voice in my head and questioning what it was saying. I have chosen conciousness over denial. I have chosen to accept myself, flaws and all. I no longer "should" on myself. (I no longer buy in to the idea that I should be someone other than exactly who I am. I let go of thinking that says I should have done it differently; because I now understand that I could only do what I did for all the reasons I did. When I know better I do better.)
I keep plenty of hot chocolate on hand. I have a wonderful, soft, warm blanket to wrap myself in when I need comfort. I apologize when I am wrong. I ask for help. I take myself to the movies and dinner when there is no one else around to do it. I have plenty of trashy romance novels on hand when I just need a little escape from reality.
it's not really "fair" to put your happiness on your kids...BUT...how is it different than putting your happiness in those things you love that you've put to the wayside? at least your kids will benefit from your love and attention. find your joy, and do it, is what a lot of people say. if your joy is motherhood - there is NOTHING wrong with spending time with your kids to get over a rough period.
ideally i suppose we would all find happiness within...but if that is a struggle (like for most of us!) i see no problem with getting your joy from those little miracles. that's just me....after a terrible day of work i want nothing more than to come home and spend time with my child. that's my peace.
my only other advice is to stick with what you CAN control. do something challenging yet realistic that you can accomplish and be proud of the work you've done. it sounds kind of silly to my own ears, if you knew me lol, but i am considering taking up needlepoint myself. they have little kits that are small, contained, travel well, and for beginners. if you have three it's somewhat safe to assume they are getting big enough to help you with projects...decorate a room, work outside...
just some thoughts. hope they help. good luck.
I seem to get in those moods more and more often these days.
Usually when I'm like that my hubby is great at making me smile and helping me feel happy again.
I am a SAHM, I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 month old. So I'm busy busy haha Trying to find time for myself is hard.
What I do...If I get lucky enough to where they take a nap at the same time, I grab my ipod, my sketch book & pencils/pens/paint etc. I sit outside listen to my music and get lost in my own world as I draw.
Or when they are up, every hour or so I step outside for 5 min. I have sliding glass doors in the living room. So They are right there where I can see em. I go out, look around, take deep breaths and go back in.
Talkin to my family helps too. My closest relative is 500miles away. My siblings & I are all really close. They live in Chicago & Los Angeles. I'm lucky if I get to see them once a year. So talking to them on the phone helps me feel close to them.
Join a gym. Count your blessings. Volunteer. Embrace life. Study the gospel and carry a prayer in your heart always. I'm a Big Sister volunteer and help with things around the community. I'm also very creative, I make my art and such at nighttime or naptimes, or with my kids. You can still take long walks, perhaps it's something you can involve your family in, or even rotate, one night you go alone, the next night you go as a family. It's a balancing act. Honestly, your children deserve to be your source of happiness. Sometimes, you have to stop analyzing and start living.
It sounds like though, you are trying not to use your kids for happiness... but do some sort of other activity or living the life of a child free person to fill that void. So in essence, you are still trying to put your happiness on something. Really, neither can make you happy if you aren't happy. What you do is embrace your kids. Embrace the moment. You still have a long life ahead of you and certain things can wait. You can still enjoy your life, but you also have to remember who you are. Align your goals to fit that path, but do not go out searching for activities to make you happy. The most important thing you will ever do is be a member of a family. There is a time and a season. Just like, before I had kids and got married, I like to party and go to concerts and was huge into music, I acted in plays, I also went on solo road trips.... well all of that changed when my life priorities changed. Becoming a parent is refining and selfless. I still have fun, and girls night outs, but they aren't dwelling on my mind.
Here are a few short (like 3 mins long) videos that are extremely motivational. There are about 40 of them and I watch every one when the mood strikes. They will leave you feeling motivated, and loved!
on motherhood:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
on marriage:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
you are never alone:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
tender mercies of the Lord:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
on being hopeful of good things to come:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
on creating:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
on lifting burdens:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
on having a hard time:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
After the kids go to bed around 8p, I relax. I will have a glass of wine, take a bath, go to "bed" with my husband, read, sit on the patio and listen to th night, call my Mom, write in my journal, sketch... Whatever I want for 2 hours until I go to sleep.
About the solo road trip...every couple months, I go to my Mom and Dad's alone (about 2 hours away). I'll leave Sat. before the kids are up and come back Sun. after church and lunch. Everyone need some "ME" time!
Music is my therapy. anywhere you are, you can put some headphones on,and all my worries go away. I feel like I did when i had no responsibilities, and I also play music that may relate to a problem or mood. Sad mood sad music, angry mood, angry song, ect. I used to put headphones on and take an extremely long run, unfortunately, I don't feel safe enough to do that in my where I live now. Also, i have a journal that I keep. One that is strickly for myself, and one that is for my son when he grows up of what we did, any new milestones he hit. I can really get my feelings out in mine, and for me, it is a great form of therapy. Maybe you could try music while painting? What was your fav thing to do that calmed you when you were just "you" before all the stresses of life came along?
DRINK!!!!!!
Okay, seriously, you didn't really state what your issues are (other than you're not happy with your job). You said you had to put many things on the wayside. What kind of things? I suggest weekly yoga/meditation, weekly/biweekly/monthy girls night out (and yes, drink wine)!
Attending church does little to help me. I finally had to get real and understand that for me being in a building to worship 1 hour per week was never going to help me to be close to God or deal with life. I am so tired of being a luke-warm Christian. 6 months ago I gave up almost all tv and started listening to messages hours and hours per day on an mp3 player. I go about my day, do all the things I did before, make sure the kids have what they need, but I put God first while doing it. It's taken time but now I'm able to add back in a little tv or reading and still feel connected to God.
It's not just about me though. I'm upping my giving to causes that matter to me. With a house full of kids I barely get a shower. I certainly don't have the ability to go and donate my time. But I can donate my money so that those that do donate their time can spread good cheer, feed people, make sure that babies come into this world, and the list of possible good outlets for giving is never ending.
I am also a dweller. But dwelling on things is a very selfish thing. We do that when we are thinking of us. We do better when we are thinking about others and what we can do for them.
