Calling Him Daddy?

No, you did not overreact. You are your child's mother and who is this man to your child? He's just a man. He has no vested interest in your child. He is in the relationship for you,not your son and if your son is being treated unkindly then I'd suggest you put your son first and send the boyfriend packing. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but if this boyfriend has so little regard to your son at 3 years old, how will he treat your son when your son is older and really able to understand? A mother's priority should always be the best interest of her child(ren). Period. Does the boyfriend not have any children of his own? I would guess he does not so other than the interaction with your son, he really has no clue how to relate to a child. If the child's father is not in the picture and never will be there is no problem with allowing a child to call your husband (not boyfriend) daddy. Do you not think this will be confusing to your son should you break up with this man? Will he call every boyfriend, "Daddy?" If it were me, I would not live with any man I was not married to and most especially if children were involved because children form attachments so easily and what understanding will he have if boyfriend, (also known as daddy) is out of the picture for good? Children need stability and calling boyfriend "daddy" when he's not his father, and especially since there is no marriage between the two of you will only cause confusion for the child later on. You would be right to re-think this relationship, kick the boyfriend out in the meantime and stop confusing your son. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I think that many women who are single moms for a long time feel they need to do anything to keep a man satisfied and not meddle. I was a single mom for 7 years so I understand. I think that it's awesome that you are putting your son first. Your son may feel confused and find things difficult because of so many factors you mentioned. Keep loving him, try speaking to him and for sure speak to your fiance about this too. I think it's very important to think about and I do NOT think you over reacted at all!
Is there a therapist you can speak to? Someone who can speak to all involved individually and then together?
Good for you being such a good mom!!!
On a side note, you may want to explain things to your fiance too. He has not been a parent and doesn't understand perhaps (immaturely so) that you don't speak to children that way. But you say you're having other problems. They don't get better after marriage, you have to fix them BEFORE getting married!

Finally your question...Yes, you overreacted. We ALL do this.
Sit down and be honest with your BF, and ask him to be the same. Your relationship is important; and so is the responsibility of raising a child.
Stressing over it does not allow you to see or feel the joy in life.
Does he want to adopt your son? Just be open and honest and agree to let love be the answer. We seem to be calling situations "challenges"; but if you change the word and feeling to "opportunity", then you will find life eases off the pressure.
Blessings, S.

Honestly, I'm on the opposite side of the situation. I have a "Step-daughter" that has been calling me "Mommy" since I moved back in with her father and the father of my daughter. She is only 2 and I have been in her life for a year, longer than her biological mother. I believe that if your boyfriend is ready and willing to accept the role of "Daddy" then he needs to step up to the plate. The only overreaction I see was kicking him out. You can have problems in your relationship, but the last thing you want to do is let your young children see those problems. You are only serving to confuse your son.

Now, my daughter's mother takes HUGE issue with the fact that her daughter calls me "Mommy" and her by her first name. But she has no say in the matter as she has no rights to the child.

I have said a number of things to my "Step-daughter" that could be taken as me not wanting her to call me "Mommy", but the truth of the matter is that I AM her mommy and nothing is going to change that. I've said things like "Oh, so I'm Mommy when you want something? I see how it is."

I think you and your FIANCE need to sit down and discuss these issues and you need to not push him away. Again, it only serves to confuse your son. I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck!

Maybe kicking him out was extreme, but I would not have just ignored this treatment of him towards your son either. Maybe he thought he was being funny, but honestly, what he did was hurtful. I know my daughter would be crying her eyes out if someone she has known and come to love as her dad says she cannot call him dad anymore, even if it's meant to be some sort of lesson in appreciation. Kids are too young to understand the whole "you call me something when you want something from me, when you don't, you ignore me" point that he was trying to make. It's hard to tell if he was serious in his tone as I was not there but like I said, he should have used his head before opening his mouth, that's what brains are for. His attitude is immature and insensitive. I would definitely have had a SERIOUS and STERN talk with him that not only did he fail to praise your son's achievement, but he basically "punished" him, even if he doesn't realize it, by saying he cannot call him dad now and pushing him away, telling him to play a game with you, which probably confused your son greatly. How would you feel if someone said to you you can call him dad sometimes but not all of the time? I would have told him that he is not allowed to verbally hurt your son, even if he thinks he's being funny or playful (because your son is too young to "get" when it's meant as a joke and when the fiance is serious), and that he is to praise and reward your son's progress if he thinks he wants to seriously marry you and become his dad. Unfortunately, because you did not mention the other issues you two are having, it's hard for me to make an educated guess of whether you overreacted or not, so maybe you were totally justified in what you did -- only you know that. If the issues are meaningful to you and he is unwilling to address them/do something about them, then maybe it is time to rethink this engagement. You don't want to deal with the whole hassle of a divorce if you're not sure of this man just because you're trying to find a father figure for your son, trust me.

Hi there, I just want to tell you that you need to take an honest look into your own heart and mind and see what's really going on here. It doesn't sound to me like you over-reacted. I think it's a very big deal that your son said so many words and if your bf wasn't overjoyed like you were, then that's very concerning. However, was your bf joking around with the kid? Maybe he didn't realize how his words could be damaging, especially when such a breakthrough was made? It's really easy for us to read your one post and come to conclusions of "you should leave him" or "you overreacted" but honestly, we don't know the entire situation. You need to take everyone's opinions into consideration, of course, but you know the most about your relationshp and about the man that you're planning on marrying. What other issues are you talking of? If there truly is reason to believe that this man is not worthy of being called "daddy" by your son, then you definitely need to get out of this BEFORE you walk down the aisle. But if he really is a good man who loves your son and who is just misguided, maybe he just needs some sensitivity training or some solid advice/counseling on dealing with a son who has delayed speech. Either way, you need to have a good long talk with him. Try to be honest with yourself and with the situation.

Your post was very hard to read and understand but based on what I think you said and asked, here's my view of the answer.

Help your child understand what a daddy is. Daddy can be his natural father if he is acting like a daddy. If not, you could refer to him as "your natural father." And daddy can also be their stepfather when and if you marry them and the guy has proven to be a good daddy to him by respecting him, loving him, wanting to protect him, play with him, guide him. You don't want someone who will just step in to discipline the child or just to help you financially raise the child. Otherwise, a guy should not get that kind of special recognition.

The first time a child calls a boyfriend or fiance "daddy," I think you should discourage it until you marry them. You could say, _______, (the boyfriend's name), isn't your daddy, sweetheart. A daddy is someone that's married to your mommy. He and I aren't married now. We may be one day, but not right now. We have to get to know each other better before we marry to make sure it is the right fit for all of us.

Secondly, I feel that you should wait a bit longer to see how he interacts with the child. Let him know your expectations and watch his reaction and really hear how he answers. But I don't think I'd even have this discussion until he asked me to marry him. You need to make darn sure that he would be a wonderful and responsible husband AND father. If not, he's not the one for both of you at all.

You certainly wouldn't want your child calling any boyfriend "daddy," only to lose his "daddy" if the relationship doesn't work out. You don't want your child thinking or saying that his "daddy doesn't love him anymore and just left." Better that "your boyfriend" and you decided that you weren't just right to become a family.

i think you over reacted because i do the same thing to my 4 yr old.i tell her to come hear and she wont then when she wants something she is bein so sweet and sayin mommy and just playing with her i will say girl i aint your mom.then we play about it. i dont think your bf was being mean about it.i think he was just playin with him.you should rethink you outcome and talk to your bf about it,but as stated below can you handle it when it does come time for punishment or time out will you be able to deal with someone else correcting you son.i know at first it will be hard to deal with as i know i was a single mom for almost 2 years then i met my husband.it about killed me when he did it for the first time. i was mad and then i look backed and what she did she needed her tv taken away.but i would talk to him but only if you in your heart of all heart know you love him.and i would talk to him also about what he thinks is a good idea about things with you son...you have to stick together on everything when your mommy and daddy....GOOD LUCK

if your kid chooses to call him dad let him do it as long as the real dad isn't in the picture but don't make any child call a step dad dad. my kid calls my other half ray my step kids call me by my name. It sounds to me like your bf was just being sarcastic and didn't mean anything by it. todays a new day move on and forget it. You need to work out the other issues or they will make an unhappy marriage. I would suggest reading men are from mars wemon are from venus. Strongly reccomend that. good luck

Hi A.,
I think you over reacted and I tell you why. I have found myself and my husband telling our children the same thing. When we call them they don't come, but when they see why we call them, or what we have that they like then they come :) I don't think your boyfriend did it as malice at the contrary he acted as a daddy. Now the only issue I have is this, aside from him getting along with your child, how much do you love him? You need to work on yourself and your confidence before you go back with him, or to any other relationship. You need to trust him or any other significant other in a future, that 'he' wants the best interest for your son and that 'he' loves him as his own. What are you going to do the day he punishes your son or spanks your son, or takes privileges away from your son? can you deal with that? If you can, then try to work things out, if not; then give yourself sometime to heal and deal with your own emotions and issues before you go into another relationship.
Best,
I.

uhh I'm a little confused about your post but I think I get it. If your fiance doesn't mind being called Daddy and your son wants to call him Daddy...then what's wrong with that? I have several friends with new husbands and their small children are confused and call them Daddy, Papa, Dad, etc. something even a little different than what they call their biological Dad.

It sounds like your fiance was simply saying that it's funny how now the little guy is going to call him Daddy to get to play the game...llike he was joking....not being mean.

I'm confused why you wanted him to move out now...if you're going to be married to this man you need to accept that your son will see him as a father figure and possibly call him Dad or some variant of that.

I think you are over reacting.

Uhhhh...if you're not married then your son shouldn't call him daddy. I think there are equally big issues here. IMO, live with your son until you find a man (maybe this O.--maybe not) who you wish to marry and be a father to your little O.. Too confusing, this moving in, moving out for a young child.

I've got to agree with Forty and Fabulous X completely on this O.. Do not find yourself with a man by default, because of "how it is" or b/c you need financial support. Be a whole woman and mom then CHOOSE wisely the man you introduce into your son's life as his stepfather.
Now I certainly don't know YOU, or your particular life. My personal belief is that there are a lot of confused kids out there that are the product of divorce and subsequent hasty relationships (I'm not judging, my parents were divorced when I was about 7 or 8). I was lucky that my mom spent MANY years dating a man until she felt it was the right thing to do to admit him to her family....I was about 16 when they started dating...many many years later they were married. He was MORE of a father to me than my own dad ever was and he was a true blessing in my life. I wish the same for your little guy. He does not need confusion at this tender age. He will be heartbroken with each new man that may come then go. So please, be an independent woman and be VERY cognizant of the steps you take and the affect it may have on your son.

I agree with April C on this one. I don't think your BF was trying to tell your son not to call him daddy. I think you overreacted. Read what April said again and follow her advice for having an open honest conversation with fiance and put this behind you.

Absolutely not, you did not over-react. When I read that statement you wrote - what he said to your child - my heart just cried for you and your child. It sounds like your gut is already telling you what to do and you're acting on it - keep it up. You said more than once that there were other issues - that's a red flag. Take a step back, make your child your priority. Although he says he di not mean it in a bad way, wrong choice of words, the fact that he was oblivious to the fact that your son spoke more words than he ever has is also a red flag. Your son is not his priority, it sounds more like HE is his own priority. Move on. Sorry to sound so harsh, guess I'm playing the role of your son's advocate. It sounds like you're doing a great job as well, just don't second guess your gut! Best wishes!

I'm suprised at how many women say you overreacted. Your child is young and has delayed speech. The fact that he said so many words IS amazing and your bf should have realized that after having been with you for so long. There is no room for off-handed, careless remarks to a delicate, developing child. I think you should not live together until you know where this relationship is going b/c after this incident it would be too confusing for your son if he moves back in.
Also, I think you need to talk to your son and make it clear that it had nothing to do with him that your bf moved out (children tend to blame themselves). Explain to him, like another mom said, that a daddy is someone who is married to mommy and is part of the family. Tell him there are all kinds of families, maybe get a picture book with that subject and go over it with him. Mention if you marry your bf, he can call him daddy.
I am so happy that you love your son so much that your first instinct is to protect him. Follow your heart and expose your son to positive role models in his life (grand parent, aunts, uncles, other mom friends you admire). I wish you all the best.

I'm confused, I can't immagine what your son is thinking. This man is not his daddy, and your son should have never been allowed to call him such. However, the damage is already done and it can't be reversed.

If bf is still living with you and you are still engaged, thenI think you and your bf need to sit down and set some clear rules as to what your son will call him, and what his role is in your son's life. Is he ready to assume the roll of daddy... it doesn't appear that way if bf won't go to your son and ask him if he wants to play the game, and if bf isn't assisting with bedtime routines. Once these rules are established, you and bf need to stick to them and be consistant.

Talk to you BF about your relationship with each other and your son. Be honest and find out what his expectations are. You may be moving too fast because you have a little boy involved. I'd live separately because of your son and move in together after you're married. Make sure your son comes first in all your decisions. Good luck to you!

Yes, you overreacted. You guys ought to be in premarital counseling before you tie the know or even he moves back in.
When you're in it for the long haul you don't ask the guy to move out because you get upset about one thing he said. You also mentioned that you had other issues (aka you were mad at him for something else) - looks to me like you just used this situation as an out... you blew up at him over some minor incident that had nothing to do with the real reason that you were mad at him.

I don't know how old you are, but the whole thing seems a bit immature to me. Not that I have never done it before, but part of growing up and part of being able to have an actual, long lasting relationship, is to THINK before reacting. You should have discussed how you felt and interpreted the situation and given your boyfriend a chance to explain himself before you showed him the door - and in having that conversation, be ready to admit, that you might have been wrong.
We all jump to conclusions every now and then, I hope you can patch it up - but in any case: premarital counseling!